Question for OW from BW

[herenow]

I have read here many times that the MM stays for the sake of the kids because he is such a great father and a "good guy". Let's say you found out that the BW is really the one who is staying for the kids. Would you think she is a great mother and person? Would you think she was doing the right thing?

 

What if it was "your" MM and the BW really didn't love him, she just took him back for the sake of the kids?

 

Just wondering if it works both ways?

[mybrowneyedgirl]

(although i recently heard a rumor that they may be divorcing)

 

i firmly believe that his wife stayed because of the kids and the lifestyle. from what hes told me she will probably never be happy again after this. i feel for her. to live in a marriage forever tortured by what her husband (and i) have done.

 

i view this differently from him staying for the kids. for him its a matter of not feeling guilty if the kids some day blame him for leaving his wife (even though he wasnt in love). for him its also financial. hes greedy.

 

for me, during my A i wasnt sure i was still in love with my H. but i would never consider leaving, because of my kids. my H and i could be happy together, he was in love with me. i would rather my children grow up in an intact, happy, loving family then a destroyed divorced life. for me it was almost a sacrifice. i would gladly go the rest of my life not really being happy or in love if it meant keeping my family together.

[2sure]

See, it cant work both ways.

 

To an OW or OM who has been told by their affair partner that

"I must stay for the kids"...the mere idea that it is the BS who would end the marriage if they could , NOT the MM/MW....

 

If they believed that they would not be able to justify the affair, the affair partner would not be a hero, and they would realize they were just another option, and that what they were told is the same lie told to every OW/OM, they just thought theirs for some reason was different.

[herenow]

(although i recently heard a rumor that they may be divorcing)

 

i firmly believe that his wife stayed because of the kids and the lifestyle. from what hes told me she will probably never be happy again after this. i feel for her. to live in a marriage forever tortured by what her husband (and i) have done.

 

So are you saying that he was happy staying with his wife who is only staying for the kids? Why is she "being tortured"? She has made the decision to stay with a man she doesn't love for the sake of her kids. Doesn't that make her a great mother and a selfless good person?

[Lizzie60]

I have read here many times that the MM stays for the sake of the kids because he is such a great father and a "good guy". Let's say you found out that the BW is really the one who is staying for the kids. Would you think she is a great mother and person? Would you think she was doing the right thing?

 

What if it was "your" MM and the BW really didn't love him, she just took him back for the sake of the kids?

 

Just wondering if it works both ways?

 

Of course it works both ways.. I am absolutely convinced that a lot of MMs do cheat and stay because of the kids.. only for the kids.. they don't have much in common with their W.. or simply fell out of love with her.. and the same goes for the BW.. she might close her eyes on the affair cause she wants to keep the family together.. or she might close her eyes cause she doesn't give a hoot anymore and don't want to split the family.

 

Yes.. it goes both ways.

[herenow]

Of course it works both ways.. I am absolutely convinced that a lot of MMs do cheat and stay because of the kids.. only for the kids.. they don't have much in common with their W.. or simply fell out of love with her.. and the same goes for the BW.. she might close her eyes on the affair cause she wants to keep the family together.. or she might close her eyes cause she doesn't give a hoot anymore and don't want to split the family.

 

Yes.. it goes both ways.

 

I think in this case, there is a good chance that both spouses will get involved in affairs. IMO, the cycle breaks if one of them actually falls in love with an affair partner. IMO, that is when one of them will leave the marriage.

Edited November 18, 2009 by herenow

[Lucky_One]

I know marriages who have lived through infidelity (and thrived afterwards). it isn't easy and it takes time, effort and honestly, but these people laugh, love, have fun together and have moved past the affair(s). Probably feels tortured now, but in a few years, doubtful she still feels that way.

 

I think that either parent who says they are staying for the children is an ok person, but I don't think "staying" equals being a good parent.

 

I could stay in a marriage (I think) where I didn't feel great passion or deep love, if there was caring, mutual respect, and happiness - simply because of the children.

[herenow]

I think that either parent who says they are staying for the children is an ok person, but I don't think "staying" equals being a good parent.

 

Personally I think people who stay because of the kids put a large burden on the kids. If the kids knew that mom and dad were staying in an unhappy marriage for their (the kids) sake, how much guilt do you think those kids would feel?

 

I was just wondering how the OW who feel that MM who say they stay for the sake of the kids are such great fathers and good guys, feel about the BW who only stay for the sake of the kids? I would think in the eyes of these OW who feel that way, the BW's are also great mothers and good people.

[PhoenixRise]

Personally I think people who stay because of the kids put a large burden on the kids. If the kids knew that mom and dad were staying in an unhappy marriage for their (the kids) sake, how much guilt do you think those kids would feel?

 

I was just wondering how the OW who feel that MM who say they stay for the sake of the kids are such great fathers and good guys, feel about the BW who only stay for the sake of the kids? I would think in the eyes of these OW who feel that way, the BW's are also great mothers and good people.

 

 

 

Herenow

 

Based on what I read here and other places, AP's rarely if ever say a BW is staying for the children.

 

Usually there is a more disdainful comment regarding the wife staying for the "lifestyle"

 

Giving a more selfish connotation than what is afforded the noble MM who stays for the kids.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

So are you saying that he was happy staying with his wife who is only staying for the kids? Why is she "being tortured"? She has made the decision to stay with a man she doesn't love for the sake of her kids. Doesn't that make her a great mother and a selfless good person?

 

the torture im referring to is the pain that she feels each day knowing what he did to her. its been described here countless times, the aching, the struggling to trust again, the constant reminders of what hes done. it is torture.

 

and yes, my xMM is happy staying with her for the kids. hes said countless times hes not concerned with if hes truly happy or in love with her or not. its her choice, he wronged her, if she wants to stay and keep the family together for the kids then he owes her that much after what hes done.

 

im not sure if it makes her a good mother and selfless good person. during my affair i stayed for my kids, but im not sure that makes me a good mother. afterall, i put their happy life at risk by having the affair in the first place.

 

my H has a different view on this entire situation. he grew up with parents who obviously cant stand each other. although he never witnessed them fight it was (and still is) obvious that theyre not in love. he said its more painful than anything ive ever put him through. his mom is a good mom, his parents gave them the world. but they knew their parents werent in love. my H and i gave ourself a time limit. if we cannot get back to the happy in love couple that we used to be then we will divorce, even though we have the ability to live together and respect each other, he wants are kids to remember their parents "in love" together or not at all.

[herenow]

Herenow

 

Based on what I read here and other places, AP's rarely if ever say a BW is staying for the children.

 

Usually there is a more disdainful comment regarding the wife staying for the "lifestyle"

 

Giving a more selfish connotation than what is afforded the noble MM who stays for the kids.

 

You are probably right.

 

I'm more open to believe that a mother who didn't have an affair is more likely to stay with her H (who did have an affair), for the sake of the kids. As opposed to the MM who has an affair. I don't think a father who cares enough about his kids to stay with a woman that he doesn't love is going to have an affair in the first place. IMO, that type of person doesn't risk the pain that an affair would cause his family. It makes no sense for a parent to say that they love their kids enough to stay married for them and then do something that could cause them pain, like have an affair.

 

I think the MM who say that they stay for the sake of the kids are using their kids as a excuse to not leave their wives for whatever reason. If they really loved and wanted to be with the OW, they would be.

 

The BW (who doesn't have affairs), however may have always had their kids best interest in mind and I would believe it if she said she stays for the sake of the kids. And, yes I would feel the same about the H whose wife has an affair and stays with his W because of his love for his kids.

 

Hope that makes sense.

[herenow]

the torture im referring to is the pain that she feels each day knowing what he did to her. its been described here countless times, the aching, the struggling to trust again, the constant reminders of what hes done. it is torture.

 

and yes, my xMM is happy staying with her for the kids. hes said countless times hes not concerned with if hes truly happy or in love with her or not. its her choice, he wronged her, if she wants to stay and keep the family together for the kids then he owes her that much after what hes done.

 

How do you know she feels pain every day? What makes you so sure she isn't as happy as he is? What makes you think she isn't pleased as pie that she is just doing what she needs to do to keep her family together? From what I have read here, most BW who feel "tortured" kick their H's to the curb. The ones who choose to stay eventually make peace with their decision.

 

BTW, if she is just staying for the kids, why would she care about trust or what he has done?

[PhoenixRise]

You are probably right.

 

I'm more open to believe that a mother who didn't have an affair is more likely to stay with her H (who did have an affair), for the sake of the kids. As opposed to the MM who has an affair. I don't think a father who cares enough about his kids to stay with a woman that he doesn't love is going to have an affair in the first place. IMO, that type of person doesn't risk the pain that an affair would cause his family. It makes no sense for a parent to say that they love their kids enough to stay married for them and then do something that could cause them pain, like have an affair.

 

I think the MM who say that they stay for the sake of the kids are using their kids as a excuse to not leave their wives for whatever reason. If they really loved and wanted to be with the OW, they would be.

 

The BW (who doesn't have affairs), however may have always had their kids best interest in mind and I would believe it if she said she stays for the sake of the kids. And, yes I would feel the same about the H whose wife has an affair and stays with his W because of his love for his kids.

 

Hope that makes sense.

 

It makes perfect sense and I 100% agree.

 

I think that people who are so "selfless" that they are willing to consign themselves to a loveless marriage till death do they part, don't risk having an affair will cause the Kids lives to be turned upside down and could result in the family being torn apart anyway.

 

I think that most often, MM use the kids as an excuse to stay in the marriage that they don't want to leave.

 

I just think it is interesting that MM are seen as great guys when they say they are sacrificing their happiness for the kids but BW are just seen as being after a certain "lifestyle"

 

This was a great question to ask Herenow.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

How do you know she feels pain every day? What makes you so sure she isn't as happy as he is? What makes you think she isn't pleased as pie that she is just doing what she needs to do to keep her family together? From what I have read here, most BW who feel "tortured" kick their H's to the curb. The ones who choose to stay eventually make peace with their decision.

 

BTW, if she is just staying for the kids, why would she care about trust or what he has done?

 

because staying for the kids doesnt mean you dont care or that it doesnt hurt. the kids are the reason for staying, but the other factors fall in behind that. its like saying that the affair was unforgivable, it would end immediately, but there are kids involved and so you stay. if there werent kids. it would be over.

 

i know that his wife is tortured. i know her (only after the affiar). i know her personality, i know from a friend of hers that she is tortured. and he isnt happy at all - hes made that clear. and youre right, after a certain point if she cant stop feeling tortured they will probably end it. but while working on it with the goal of fixing the M, they both feel tortured.

[herenow]

It makes perfect sense and I 100% agree.

 

I think that people who are so "selfless" that they are willing to consign themselves to a loveless marriage till death do they part, don't risk having an affair will cause the Kids lives to be turned upside down and could result in the family being torn apart anyway.

 

I think that most often, MM use the kids as an excuse to stay in the marriage that they don't want to leave.

 

I just think it is interesting that MM are seen as great guys when they say they are sacrificing their happiness for the kids but BW are just seen as being after a certain "lifestyle"

 

This was a great question to ask Herenow.

 

IMO, it's more often the case that the MM begs the wife to take him back and if anyone is staying for the sake of the kids, it's the BW.

 

I think couples should only stay together for the sake of each other. I don't think staying married for the kids is healthy. JMO.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

and i dont think lifestyle is always meant to be negative.

 

i want the lifestyle of an intact family. i like the lifestyle of not having to split my kids up and share holidays and weekends. i like the lifestyle of having a husband. sure i would have more money with us together, but i wouldnt have to change my "lifestyle" in the typical sense if we divorced.

 

my xmm is wealthy. she doesnt work. hes cheated and in our state she would most likely get 60% if not more. she could live forever on that 60%, never work again, put the kids through college and not change her financial lifestyle one bit. but it would change their social lifestyle, the kids lifestyle etc.

 

dont think thats a negative thing.

[Brokenlady]

Personally I don't think it's a good reason for anyone to stay "just for the kids". It's a sort of martyrdom that almost never pays off (there are so many people who as adults wished their parents had just divorced instead of staying together for them). I think kids are very perceptive and it's hard to fake real love. I think it's sets them up to recreate the same kind of unfulfilling relationship in their adult lives. I mean, would anyone want their kids to exist in a loveless marriage? So why set them up to do just that?

[herenow]

because staying for the kids doesnt mean you dont care or that it doesnt hurt. the kids are the reason for staying, but the other factors fall in behind that. its like saying that the affair was unforgivable, it would end immediately, but there are kids involved and so you stay. if there werent kids. it would be over.

 

i know that his wife is tortured. i know her (only after the affiar). i know her personality, i know from a friend of hers that she is tortured. and he isnt happy at all - hes made that clear. and youre right, after a certain point if she cant stop feeling tortured they will probably end it. but while working on it with the goal of fixing the M, they both feel tortured.

 

Why are they trying to fix the marriage if they have already agreed to stay for the sake of the kids?

 

The fact that you are having conversations with him and her friend about her feeling tortured is sick, JMO

 

BTW, that is no friend of hers.

[Brokenlady]

IMO, it's more often the case that the MM begs the wife to take him back and if anyone is staying for the sake of the kids, it's the BW.

 

I think couples should only stay together for the sake of each other. I don't think staying married for the kids is healthy. JMO.

 

Wait a minute here. You have been telling OW that they MM's stay because they "want to" and for no other reason. Why should we believe any differently about a BS? I think they stay because they "want to" as well. As far as what the players involved tell everyone else, who knows, but I believe it comes down to you do exactly what you want to do.

[herenow]

Wait a minute here. You have been telling OW that they MM's stay because they "want to" and for no other reason. Why should we believe any differently about a BS? I think they stay because they "want to" as well. As far as what the players involved tell everyone else, who knows, but I believe it comes down to you do exactly what you want to do.

 

I agree, but I'm asking about the "sake of the kids" idea because that is why many OW on this board say the MM stays. Or at least that is what the MM tells the OW or the OW believes to be true.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

 

The fact that you are having conversations with him and her friend about her feeling tortured is sick, JMO

 

BTW, that is no friend of hers.

 

i didnt have any such conversation with him. i was confronted by one of her friends two days ago. we saw each other out. she started talking to me about it. trust me, this wasnt an attempt to be nice to me at all. it was more pointing out what my part of the affair had done to her. this friend asked me if the affair was still going on (its not) because he is miserable and she questioned as to if i knew why.

[herenow]

Wait a minute here. You have been telling OW that they MM's stay because they "want to" and for no other reason. Why should we believe any differently about a BS? I think they stay because they "want to" as well. As far as what the players involved tell everyone else, who knows, but I believe it comes down to you do exactly what you want to do.

 

I would be more inclined to believe that a BW would stay for the sake of the kids than a MM who cheats on his wife. I don't think either is a reasonable option. I do think that, for the most part, people do things because it is what they want to do.

[herenow]

i didnt have any such conversation with him. i was confronted by one of her friends two days ago. we saw each other out. she started talking to me about it. trust me, this wasnt an attempt to be nice to me at all. it was more pointing out what my part of the affair had done to her. this friend asked me if the affair was still going on (its not) because he is miserable and she questioned as to if i knew why.

 

Well, I guess it's just something that this husband and wife will have to deal with. Sounds like they have both made the choice to try and work it out.

 

Talking about kids, I'm off to pick mine up. Have a great day all!

[Brokenlady]

I would be more inclined to believe that a BW would stay for the sake of the kids than a MM who cheats on his wife. I don't think either is a reasonable option. I do think that, for the most part, people do things because it is what they want to do.

 

Oh I don't think that's neccessarily so, only because cheating as a way to be happier staying in an unfilfilling marriage isn't on the BS's radar. She will be locking herself in without a parachute. Who would want to volunteer for guaranteed emptiness? On the other hand, the MM already knows he can have it both ways, and after being busted once, he can cover his tracks better the second time, and the third. So he can say he's staying for the kids, and he might be - he just isn't giving anything up to do it wheras the BS would actually be making a sacrifice.

[PhoenixRise]

IMO, it's more often the case that the MM begs the wife to take him back and if anyone is staying for the sake of the kids, it's the BW.

 

I think couples should only stay together for the sake of each other. I don't think staying married for the kids is healthy. JMO.

 

 

I know I would never want my H to be with me just because of our child. I think that would be a horrible burden to place on a child and I think children do best when they grow up in truly loving homes. AND those homes don't necessarily need to have the parent's married to each other.