dun07 Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Hi everyone. I need adivice before I drain my head thinking of too many thoughts. I got married sort of fast, thought she was the one. At most times she still feels that way. When we fight - not so much.. but thats normal right? We both have our things we need to work on or can do better.. but theres another side to her. Shes the type of girl that need the constant feedback of how good she looks, and what I'm noticing now is that when the compliments are coming from other places, shes a sucker for it over time. I've kind of known this, but not to this extent. She got a new VP boss in the middle of the year and she used to tell me hes very friendly, border line flirty ever since they met. I told her to watch out. She would keep me up to date on how he would act towards her, nothing out of the normal guy realm of being around a pretty girl. But i've been noticing stuff and had recently caught her slipping on the computer. She left some windows open and low and behold, a fake email address with flirty emails back and forth with this boss guy. Stuff like, I wish you were here, I wish I was there.. Ill see you soon.. etc. I dont know how long this has been going on. Or how far its gone. Hes married, has kids.. And this is not the first time of such fake emails I've found. The first one sounded like she was shy but stalkerish to meet some guy in person at work but just liked chatting with him. I dont know if they ever met. I've found ways to keep a monitor on the email.. I'm sure you guys know what Im talking about. I havent read anything too concrete to really bring something solid to her face yet. But I have a feeling with the boss, something will come about in time. Heres the kicker - before me, she got caught up with a guy who she didnt know was married. She got so hurt by that and now shes doing it herself being married and flirting with a married guy. I'm really confused.. should I confront her now, wait for more hard evidence. I found his wifes facebook account. Been thinking of contacting her. It kills, literally torturing myself keeping an eye out for something. Or should I stop it now, confront the guy, beat his ass, tell his wife so she can beat his ass too and divorce mine? Or try to work it out, go to counseling, ask her to quit and find another job.. i dunno i dunno..
FarFetched Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 I can't really offer much advice except keep a watchful eye on this situation. My wife started getting flirty advances from a guy at work, and soon they were exchanging texts all day and night, going to mexico together, exchanging love notes, going out on dates, and god knows what else behind my back. She's gotten so caught up in the mess that I'm afraid it's time I drop her unfaithful ass. Like I said, keep a close eye on it. I hope everything works out.
Ronni_W Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 and low and behold, a fake email address with flirty emails back and forth with this boss guy. Stuff like, I wish you were here, I wish I was there.. Ill see you soon.. etc. Er. That is not a "fake" email address. It is one she set-up so that their flirty emails would be private! Those are REAL flirty emails, the genuine thing...to a secret email address. I'm not getting why you would not ask her about them now(?) Watcha doing? Waiting for them to have sex BEFORE you take charge of your marriage? This is really not the time to give in to any "conflict avoidance" issues you may have. Tell her what you found and tell her it needs to stop TODAY. Then make an appointment with a marriage counselor, give her the day, time and place, and tell her that you'll be there with or without her. Your marriage is in crisis. I don't get why you wouldn't discuss that with your wife.
Navin_R_Johnson Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 My advice: Get your head straight with the situation, get all the facts, confront your wife, and contact the guy AND his wife. Hit her hard and fast with the exposure of the EA. Be prepared for the consequences as it could go either way. It will either scare her enough to jolt her back to reality, or piss her off really bad. The biggest mistake I made was covering for my ex during her affair.
mark982 Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 confront your wife with pages printed out,plus show om's wife and om's higher ups at work. nip this in the bud before it goes further.
hopesndreams Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 You are doomed to be in so much hurt with this woman, your W. She has already shown her true colors and you have been married how long? This is just the tip of the iceberg. If you don't DO something now to get her IN LINE, yes, IN LINE, she will continue with her devious schemes and make your life a living h*ll. What more facts do you need to confront? Those emails are not EA, they are PA. Is she worth the trouble? You don't have kids with her....yet. Drop her like a hot potato. She ain't worth it.
jerseyboy Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Er. That is not a "fake" email address. It is one she set-up so that their flirty emails would be private! Those are REAL flirty emails, the genuine thing...to a secret email address. I'm not getting why you would not ask her about them now(?) Watcha doing? Waiting for them to have sex BEFORE you take charge of your marriage? This is really not the time to give in to any "conflict avoidance" issues you may have. Tell her what you found and tell her it needs to stop TODAY. Then make an appointment with a marriage counselor, give her the day, time and place, and tell her that you'll be there with or without her. Your marriage is in crisis. I don't get why you wouldn't discuss that with your wife. LMAO Well put. Though I think the barn door is already open on that whole has she had sex thing.
seibert253 Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 My advice: Get your head straight with the situation, get all the facts, confront your wife, and contact the guy AND his wife. Hit her hard and fast with the exposure of the EA. Be prepared for the consequences as it could go either way. It will either scare her enough to jolt her back to reality, or piss her off really bad. The biggest mistake I made was covering for my ex during her affair. Do this right now. Do not wait any longer. You wife is involved in an EA with her boss You need to confront her with what you know and give her a choice, knock it off and start looking for a new job, or you will D her. The bosses wife also deserves to know what's going on. I guarentee you when she finds out, the boss will throw your wife under the bus. Nothing kills an A quicker than exposure, nothing!
curiou Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 listen to seibert! that's solid advice! don't worry about the fallout from exposure. In fact, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED. You need them to freaking wake up, embarrass the crap out of them. DO NOT let your wife make you feel guilty for causing a ruckus. Always remember that SHE and the boss started this crap. I REPEAT: DO NOT LET ANYONE make you feel guilty about exposing this situation. Be defiant. Be strong. and then I would add, that if you successfully quash the affair, you should go to couples counseling. There are deep rooted problems that allow a marriage partner to open up to the idea of having an affair.
mem11363 Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 She is not going to change. If you do not have children cut your losses. She is clearly trolling for an upgrade.... Hi everyone. I need adivice before I drain my head thinking of too many thoughts. I got married sort of fast, thought she was the one. At most times she still feels that way. When we fight - not so much.. but thats normal right? We both have our things we need to work on or can do better.. but theres another side to her. Shes the type of girl that need the constant feedback of how good she looks, and what I'm noticing now is that when the compliments are coming from other places, shes a sucker for it over time. I've kind of known this, but not to this extent. She got a new VP boss in the middle of the year and she used to tell me hes very friendly, border line flirty ever since they met. I told her to watch out. She would keep me up to date on how he would act towards her, nothing out of the normal guy realm of being around a pretty girl. But i've been noticing stuff and had recently caught her slipping on the computer. She left some windows open and low and behold, a fake email address with flirty emails back and forth with this boss guy. Stuff like, I wish you were here, I wish I was there.. Ill see you soon.. etc. I dont know how long this has been going on. Or how far its gone. Hes married, has kids.. And this is not the first time of such fake emails I've found. The first one sounded like she was shy but stalkerish to meet some guy in person at work but just liked chatting with him. I dont know if they ever met. I've found ways to keep a monitor on the email.. I'm sure you guys know what Im talking about. I havent read anything too concrete to really bring something solid to her face yet. But I have a feeling with the boss, something will come about in time. Heres the kicker - before me, she got caught up with a guy who she didnt know was married. She got so hurt by that and now shes doing it herself being married and flirting with a married guy. I'm really confused.. should I confront her now, wait for more hard evidence. I found his wifes facebook account. Been thinking of contacting her. It kills, literally torturing myself keeping an eye out for something. Or should I stop it now, confront the guy, beat his ass, tell his wife so she can beat his ass too and divorce mine? Or try to work it out, go to counseling, ask her to quit and find another job.. i dunno i dunno..
Ronni_W Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 (edited) I havent read anything too concrete to really bring something solid to her face yet. But I have a feeling with the boss, something will come about in time. The flirty emails are more than enough. Unlike some of the other posters, I can't say for sure if she's already started a physical/sexual affair with this boss of hers. But I think it might be a really good idea to have a man-to-man with him -- again, you'll need to fight through any normal tendencies you may have to avoid conflict at any cost. (And tell him you will expose ALL the emails if he fires her, or gets her fired.) Yes, of course you can - probably ought to - ask that she start looking for another job immediately. To me, the problem with rushing to expose is that she could lose her job BEFORE it may be in your best interests. Cos, if you would consider divorcing, or are planning to divorce her and she has no/limited income...then YOU could find yourself on the hook for more alimony. I mean...just cover those bases before you expose, if exposing is what you ultimately will want to do. Maybe paying a divorce lawyer for an hour of his time will prove to be cost-effiective? You don't have any "easy" options, so you may just want to go with the smart ones. Sorry this is happening to you. Hugs. Edited November 19, 2009 by Ronni_W added something
phineas Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 (edited) If she isn't sleeping with him now she soon will be. She knows what she is doing is wrong yet does it. I was in your shoes. Your trying to justify your lack of evidence for sex as not cheating. I wish I would of booted my wife the second I found her chat log telling om she loved him & missed him & the sex talk. It would of saved me a whole lot of heart ache & money. Instead I convinced myself it was just dirty talk over the computer. I was a fool. Edited November 19, 2009 by phineas
Author dun07 Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 The flirty emails are more than enough. Unlike some of the other posters, I can't say for sure if she's already started a physical/sexual affair with this boss of hers. But I think it might be a really good idea to have a man-to-man with him -- again, you'll need to fight through any normal tendencies you may have to avoid conflict at any cost. (And tell him you will expose ALL the emails if he fires her, or gets her fired.) Yes, of course you can - probably ought to - ask that she start looking for another job immediately. To me, the problem with rushing to expose is that she could lose her job BEFORE it may be in your best interests. Cos, if you would consider divorcing, or are planning to divorce her and she has no/limited income...then YOU could find yourself on the hook for more alimony. I mean...just cover those bases before you expose, if exposing is what you ultimately will want to do. Maybe paying a divorce lawyer for an hour of his time will prove to be cost-effiective? You don't have any "easy" options, so you may just want to go with the smart ones. Sorry this is happening to you. Hugs. Firstly, Thank you all for your replies and support. I really have no one to talk to about this and I dont want to stir uncessary drama with my or her family to complicate our private situation. I used to do that but learned quickly that it adds to fuel to the fire. I like having this non biased forum to vent and gain some insightful advice and experiences. I especially appreciate the point blank, non sugar coated replies and suggestions. Youve all said great things and my biggest debate was trying to salvage the relationship or end it hard and fast with divorce papers in hand the day I bring it all to light. In the proof I have, I know theres not been any sexual contact *yet*, but the proof points to that direction soon. Theres no question about me confronting the situaion, but as Ronni_W stated, I need to plan accordingly when and how I do it. Theres a lot of variables I havent mentioned and the finances are a big one to consider. Once I bring this to light, it will cause other things to snowball, such as her job, which affects the finances, which affect the house, etc etc... (we have no kids, married 3 years) I've already made the first step to contact the OM wife. Just waiting for her reply so we can start the dialouge. As for the OM, I will confront him. I've had all these thoughts of how I'm going to beat him silly, but rather maybe handle it at the office. The bruises and black eyes will heal.. I want to stick it to him for the long run. Does anyone know if I can contact their HR dept and let them know whats going on? Id like to have it on record before I confront him and he does what Ronni_W mentioned about jeopardizing my wifes job. Not that I care at this point. I just dont want him to get over clean with his actions and continue to do it. I was thinking of going to the office with his wife if she is willing and an HR person, have my outs with him then let the jackles (his wife and HR) loose on whats left over. As for my wife, I may do the same at her office with the proof I have along with either the divorce papers or a counseling appointment. I'm not sure yet. What do you guys think?
Ronni_W Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 dun, yes you CAN contact their HR. The thing is, the company may have a vested interest in protecting their VP regardless of how he conducts his personal life. Similarly, his wife may have her own reasons for ignoring the situation, or forgiving him for it. In the end, I'd suggest your best steps and overall course of action will be what YOU feel is necessary for your own long-term mental, emotional, physical and spiritual well-being. I wouldn't count on others reacting the way you expect or would prefer...people (and corporations) have a way of surprising, and not always pleasantly. Best of luck.
Author dun07 Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 dun, yes you CAN contact their HR. The thing is, the company may have a vested interest in protecting their VP regardless of how he conducts his personal life. Similarly, his wife may have her own reasons for ignoring the situation, or forgiving him for it. In the end, I'd suggest your best steps and overall course of action will be what YOU feel is necessary for your own long-term mental, emotional, physical and spiritual well-being. I wouldn't count on others reacting the way you expect or would prefer...people (and corporations) have a way of surprising, and not always pleasantly. Best of luck. Your right about the vested interest part, and surprising course of direction companies take. This is an all too familar road I'm seeing first hand at my own job place. I will still reach out to their HR to see what they can and cant do and do a little more forward planning before I react. I just had a call with the wife before lunch and casually asked her if the boss is still flirting with her, she said no and that theres a new girl he may be hitting on now, but thats all a bunch of bull*ish.. what a freakin liar. She said hes out of town right now, which is true, verified by an out of office email reply in my proof. But then again I didnt really expect her to fess up then and there with a "yes he is and so am I". Trying to play it cool for now. Other thing is, I cant monitor her work email and she cant access it from home so I have limited proof (which is enough) on the secret email account. I think that email addy is not as heavily used.. darn it. This is part of my torture wondering what kinda of emails they exchange through work...
Author dun07 Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 update: contacted HR, they will start an investigation. contacted wife, she knows as soon she reads her email, waiting for reply. wish me luck.
jerseyboy Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I dotn get the whole HR thing You want them both fired?
mark982 Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 dun, good luck buddy, alot of folks might say you jumpeed the gun with the HR thing. but i admire you for not taking no more crap.
GoodDad Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 When I found out about the affair in my first marriage I always wanted to contact the OM's wife or work about it since they worked together and never did. I just let it go and wrote her and the whole sordid mess off. I always wondered what if... now in my current situation with the spouse since it appeared to have died down I didn't confront him either as I feel it was mostly my wife's poor choices and either I forgive her and try to make the marriage work or write it off. Marriage shouldn't be this complicated. It should be work, 2 people working on making it a success, but not this complicated. Ill be interested to hear what happens in your situation. Take care. GD
Author dun07 Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 I dotn get the whole HR thing You want them both fired? The HR thing is for me. Forward planning for what *could happen. Hes a big dawg, VP. If I walk in there and punch his lights out or just plain have a man to man with him and doesnt like the situation. Worse case, he can find a way through the corporate system to terminate her, thus leaving us with one income (mine) which leads to all sorts of other problems im not ready for. By contacting HR and making them aware, they can at least think twice about her name coming across the desk for termination. I've already confirmed this with their HR. So, one, I dont want him thinking his power trip can get him off easy, and two it buys me time to figure out what my next move will be without worrying about finances just yet. I know if we ultimately D, I can plan for it. If we decide to work on it, then we are good still too.. win win. Im a calculated risk type of person. Also, just spoke to OM wife. Shes on board with me.. who knows maybe we'll make a surprise appearance together at their office?
Ronni_W Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Well done, dun! You're a model of how to keep thinking straight even when everything else is in chaos and going to hell in a handbasket. (Instead of just 'freezing' and ignoring, or 'fighting' without the proper plan or tools, I mean.) You coulda got pissed but you got smart, instead Wishing you ultimately positive outcomes, and much happiness in the future.
mark982 Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 dun, gotta admit for a new guy here,you got a set of brass one.
Author dun07 Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 dun, gotta admit for a new guy here,you got a set of brass one. Thanks..took me a minute to find them in the beginning. *hit will hit the fan soon!
Navin_R_Johnson Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Wow, you're handling this just the way I wish I had. Good luck.
Author dun07 Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 The cat is out of the bag. Now comes the even harder part... trying to live past all this. We decided to go to counseling but just the past few days that has past has been hard already. Trust is gone. I've been down this road before and its tough. HR handled things at the office end. Everything played out as expected. Many times I felt guilt coming on with how I meddled with work and OM wife into the picture.. but at those times I remember someones post on here to not let anything that happens make me feel guilty.. and that helped... A LOT. So thank you for that. Wish me luck guys. And again, thanks for all the support and replies. I hope my story gives someone the strength and clear head to do the same. Dont take no crap, and take control of the situation early. Listen and think about all the "shoulda's and the woulda's" to give you strength to not let you ever utter those words.
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