newyork82 Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 i have been dating this guy for two years, he is twenty eight, i am twenty seven. about four months into the relationship, i decided to ask him if he had plans of getting married anytime soon say in two years, he told me that marriage was not in his plans for now, that he had a lot to accomplish before that. i now decided to push further by asking him, if he ever felt i would be that person when the time finally came, and he said he did not know. I continued dating him, and after our first year anniversary, i brought up the marriage issue again,. This time, he told me he loved me with his whole soul and mind, but did not know if he wanted to marry me. i decided to call it quits and he said it was okay, that he would be selfish by keeping me back, when he knew he had no plans for me for the future. unfortunately, i started believing in my head that maybe if we dated longer, he would one day decide to love me more and decide he wants to marry me. so i begged him that we should come back, which we did, and its two years now. i decided to bring it up again, and he says the same thing. That he knows i would make a good wife for him, but he is not ready to make that decision, he doesnt know when he would be ready to, and that he feels very selfish that he has been dating me all this while. But he does not want to break up with me, he just wants me to know where he stands. mHe only wants a relationship, nothing more. I feel very bad, i decided to call it quits after he said all that, but deep inside me, i still love him. that tiny voive is still tellig me to go back, i am confused. I dont want to waste more time on someone who doesnt feel i am good enough. one part of me is hoping that the break up would make him realise how much he needs me, another part wants to keep dating him till i meet someone else, but we are so close that i would never have the time to go on dates. What kind of person loves a girl so much but wants her to marry someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
Author newyork82 Posted November 19, 2009 Author Share Posted November 19, 2009 Also, did i do wrong by asking? would it have changed the way things turned out if i just kept quiet? i love this man. i cant do without him. He has introduced me to his family, and i am even supposed to go and spend christmas with them. should i go back and pray and hope that things work out/he realises what he is missing? Link to post Share on other sites
BellaLeigh Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 I know its not want you to want to here but it doesn look like here is much hope. He has clearly said that he doesnt want to marry you which isnt fair to you. Its not a question of when its a question of if and he has pretty much made it clear that its not gonna happen. I know its hard but you have to love yourself more than you love him and move on with your life before you waste more time. You deserve better than that. you would be better of doing it and moving on asap rather than letting him string you along longer only to leave you in the same situation. He may be a good person and you may love him but he clearly loves himself far more than he loves you and you need to do the same. i dont see this guy changing and since he has told you how he feels you can only blame yourself if you put up with it. I know its hard but you have to take care of you first. Link to post Share on other sites
jerseyboy Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 "What kind of person loves a girl so much but wants her to marry someone else? " Thats your issue. He doesnt love you. He has feelings for you Im sure. He may like a lot fo things about you and your relationship. But it isnt love. Love isnt a feeling. Its an annoying practice for people to constantly ascribe the word to describe their feelings. On the other hand hes been brutally honest with you about his intentions. I respect that in him Link to post Share on other sites
Author newyork82 Posted November 19, 2009 Author Share Posted November 19, 2009 thought i should ad here that he says he wants to get married in two to three years time. but is not yet sure if its me Link to post Share on other sites
BellaLeigh Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 thought i should ad here that he says he wants to get married in two to three years time. but is not yet sure if its me that really raises a red flag that hes not sure if its you! you may love him but he doesnt love you or at least enough to make you his wife. again, love yourself more than you love him. you should be running away as fast as you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newyork82 Posted November 19, 2009 Author Share Posted November 19, 2009 thought i should ad here that he says he wants to get married in two to three years time. but is not yet sure if its me Link to post Share on other sites
O'Malley Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 What is more essential to your happiness -- a non marital relationship with your boyfriend, or a relationship with someone else that would lead to marriage? No amount of 'breaks' will disguise the fact that you and your bf have come to a crossroads. If you can't find happiness in your relationship unless marriage is involved, then its time for this relationship to end. Should i go back and pray and hope that things work out/he realises what he is missing? He has the best of you now, so it isn't a matter of him realizing what he is missing. It's also not merely a matter of a time period, "I need to be in a relationship for X amount of years, before I would be ready to marry." If you can't end the relationship with this man now, at the very least give yourself an internal deadline. If your boyfriend is still on the fence about marriage at that point in time, then you should completely walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 one part of me is hoping that the break up would make him realise how much he needs me, another part wants to keep dating him till i meet someone else That last part of you is a little troubling. It makes you sound like you can't stand the thought of not being in a relationship with somebody or anybody. Have you asked yourself why it is that you want to get married? Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 I continued dating him, and after our first year anniversary, i brought up the marriage issue again, You truly sound desperate to get married... did you know that? Marriage is NOT something to be taken lightly, and I believe that most reasonable people do not head straight into marriage after a year of dating. There's nothing wrong with him. It's normal to be uncertain. It's normal to not want to marry yet, especially after just two years! Link to post Share on other sites
Author newyork82 Posted November 19, 2009 Author Share Posted November 19, 2009 That's part of my problem. I find it hard to break up. I want to get married to him because I love him and I feel hi is the one for me Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 He doesn't want to marry you, sorry to say. If you are okay with that, then go back to him but it doesn't sound like you are. I'd say that you are smart to break up with him but do NOT keep going back. That will only reinforce the fact that he can just use you. There is someone out there that would jump at the chance to marry you, this guy just isn't him. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 That's part of my problem. I find it hard to break up. I want to get married to him because I love him and I feel hi is the one for me BUT, you aren't the one for him.. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 19, 2009 Share Posted November 19, 2009 Be thankful he is being honest with you now. I knew a lady who hung around 12 years waiting on a guy to marry her. He also told her all along he didn't know if he would marry her. Well they broke up and he got engaged to the next girl in 9 months and was married to her within a year and a half after he met her. So, don't waste your time when he has already told you what he has told you. He would know by now if you were the one. Move on and find happiness elsewhere. If you get hurt at this point you can't blame it on him. Link to post Share on other sites
JustLooking123 Posted November 20, 2009 Share Posted November 20, 2009 It sucks and it's hard, but at least he was consistent and honest with you. If marriage is what you want, then move on. If you are okay being with him without marriage, then and only then should you even consider getting back with him. But it sounds like he does not see you as a long-term partner :-(. Link to post Share on other sites
brianacarol Posted November 20, 2009 Share Posted November 20, 2009 May be he is using u and want to flirting with u so you should ask him clearly that he loves you or not and want to marry with u ? Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted November 20, 2009 Share Posted November 20, 2009 You have to decide what is more important - him, or marriage. Like everyone has said, he does not sound like he is in love with you in the way he wants to spend his life with you. I also think 2 years together isn't necessarily that long to wait to get married. If you are too afraid to be alone then you need to seek counselling. You can never be healthy in a relationship if you are co-dependant. You need to happy on your own, with yourself before you can properly be in a relationship. There is a difference between lonlieness and fear. Link to post Share on other sites
Author newyork82 Posted November 20, 2009 Author Share Posted November 20, 2009 Thanks everyone. I am breaking up. Hope you guys don't mind if I keep posting my progress here. I am codependent and have been trying to work on myself. I have told him not to call me and I am not taking his calls. I want the breakup to work this time unlike the last six times Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted November 20, 2009 Share Posted November 20, 2009 Thanks everyone. I am breaking up. Hope you guys don't mind if I keep posting my progress here. I am codependent and have been trying to work on myself. I have told him not to call me and I am not taking his calls. I want the breakup to work this time unlike the last six times Good luck and check out the breaking up section for support if you feel like you are caving. Link to post Share on other sites
mem11363 Posted November 20, 2009 Share Posted November 20, 2009 It is NOT possible to date someone this long and be unsure if you want to marry them. He does not want to marry you. He is happy to stay with you for convenience until he meets the right woman and then he will end it. Better for you to do it and date others. Thanks everyone. I am breaking up. Hope you guys don't mind if I keep posting my progress here. I am codependent and have been trying to work on myself. I have told him not to call me and I am not taking his calls. I want the breakup to work this time unlike the last six times Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted November 20, 2009 Share Posted November 20, 2009 Thanks everyone. I am breaking up. Hope you guys don't mind if I keep posting my progress here. I am codependent and have been trying to work on myself. I have told him not to call me and I am not taking his calls. I want the breakup to work this time unlike the last six times Good for you. Everytime you feel like you want to go back to him just remember that he doesn't want to marry you and that you deserve someone who loves you and would jump at the chance to marry you. Say that to yourself over and over again if you have to. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 20, 2009 Share Posted November 20, 2009 Yes good for you. Do not take him back unless he shows up with a ring and a set date for your wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
serialgf Posted November 20, 2009 Share Posted November 20, 2009 hi new york i'm sorry for your tough situation. i was in exactly the same situation for the 6 years i dated my ex. you are making the right choice by breaking up and sticking with it. if you need support LS is great for that! just post here instead of contacting him. also, to address one of your initial questions... there is a slight chance he may realize what he's lost but he actually needs to LOSE you first.. coming back to him obviously prevents that from happening... see how it goes with breaking up and sticking with it. i think you'll find, as i did, that while you wait to see if he is realizing what he lost you will become a stronger more independent person and will stop caring what he thinks.... be strong lady! Link to post Share on other sites
Author newyork82 Posted November 20, 2009 Author Share Posted November 20, 2009 Thank you serialgf. I am hoping to find out who LS is, soon enough. I preay I have the strength. I haven't called him today, and I refused to pic his call I am going into NC Link to post Share on other sites
jerseyboy Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 You broke up 6 times before? You or him? LOL I had a gf do that to me. And she wanted to get married. I dont know if it was 6 but likely close to it. Always only for a day or a couple of days, usually after an argument. Then she wants to know why I dont want to marry her., THATS WHY!!! Youd have to be nuts to marry someone who keeps ending the relationship even before you get married lol Link to post Share on other sites
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