I love my girlfriend but not attracted to her, should i tell her this?

[mtz]

I love her, i think she is amazing in many ways. She is fun, entertaining, great personality. i think she is cute but i just dont have that attraction towards her. There are other small things here and there that are not so appealing but they dont bother me much at all.

 

Does anybody have any advice? Is there anything I can do to make myself feel more attracted to her? Should I tell her about this?

 

girls, how would you take it if your boyfriend tells you this?

 

ps. she is athletic and in great shape, just so you dont suggest that i ask her to work out together or anything along those lines.

Edited November 19, 2009 by mtz

[norajane]

I'd rather know so I don't have to get deeper into the relationship and develop even more feelings before finding out. I don't want to be dating someone who isn't attracted to me - that's friendship, not passion.

 

Eventually, she will find out, like when you become attracted to someone else and dump your gf then. So you should tell her now so she can move on and be free to find someone who is attracted to her.

[jerseyboy]

Yeah

 

You have to say something and break it off before both of you get any further along,

 

Although what about her do you find unattractive?

 

Same thing happened to me once. It was f'ing tragic. It wasnt that she wasnt pretty to me. I wouldnt of even gone out with her if she wasnt. Just I wasnt sexualy attracted to her as I would later learn aftere the fact

 

And other wise she was perfect. It couldnt be better. Wanted to stay with her so bad it hurt.

 

Good luck there bro.

 

I will say I dont know that you have to be brutally honest with her. No sense screwing with her head if youre going ton be breaking up anyway. Just blame it on yorusewlf, make you the ahole, and let her go on blissfully ignorant.

[horrorgirl]

As a woman who has been in many relationships where the guys really liked me, but would inevitably start criticizing my appearance or making comments about my shape, I would say that it is better to end the relationship (for whatever reason you choose--just so long as she understands that there is nothing she can do to change your mind---that is the tricky part) rather than string her along. Because eventually, something will happen, and she will get the idea of why you don't like her.

 

Don't force what isn't there.

 

I once dated a guy whom I loved very much and we had such a great time together---but there was no chemistry. He eventually stopped wanting intimacy and eventually dumped me with the lamest excuse ever---and I knew all along why, but it would have helped me much better afterwards if he had been honest----I was left with it unresolved for a long, long time. Deep down in my heart it made me feel like I was just to unattractive, and not what he wanted to be serious with.

[mtz]

norajane, jerseyboy, horrorgirl thanks to you for your kind responses. They are helping me to evaluate the situation a little bit better, even though it is not leaning towards the way i want to. Horrorgirl your story kinda hit the spot.

 

There is not a certain thing that i dont find attractive about her, I dont find her unattractive, just along the lines of neutral.

 

I never chriticize her appearance, she doesn't really need to change anything. i love the person she is, but as i said something is missing.

 

I dont want to admit to it but is sounds like it is kinda inevitable to hide this from her.

 

I'm open to more advice.

[dwindrup]

if im not attracted to someone I will not date them! You marry who you date. Can you overlook that your not attracted to her? You should do her a favor and allow her the opportunity to be with someone who does not feel that way about her.

 

But depending on your beliefs...if you believe in unconditonal love you can overlook that your not attracted to her.

 

Me....I haven't gotten to that point. Looks are very important to me plus the whole package..personality ect.

[harmfulsweetz]

I'm afraid there's not much left to say. I get it, I'm there now too. So I feel a little rich giving you advice I know I should take. It's hard when they are perfect everywhere else, there's nothing you find definitively unattractive, but she doesn't push your buttons. She's attractive, but you're not attracted to her. Am I right?

 

See, we all have that. There are men and women (many if not most) who find Angelina Jolie very attractive, but not all of them are attracted to her. There'll be a girl at work, school, college etc whom most will say is attractive, but some will not be attracted to. If she doesn't push your buttons, this isn't your fault, isn't her fault, it's one of those chemical things we can't explain. Rarely can we define what it is about someone that does it for us, there's just this thing. This elusive thing, which subconsciously we know but ask us it? not a clue. Likewise, with someone we aren't attracted to, we may not know why. I wish we could put our fingers on it, because if we could, we may be able to fix it, or explain it better.

 

It's best that you think of a plausible, firm reason to not be with her i.e. it's not the right time, you aren't right for her, or simply, it isn't working for you. I'd go with it isn't working for you. Please, don't do what I've done. Get to three years later and be utterly screwed. I'm at the point where we've been together so long (not long compared to some, but this is my first really long term thing) it seems ridiculous that I'm not attracted to him. She'll figure it out soon enough, when the intimacy dies out, you stop being affectionate, and showing you care. It'll show even if you don't want it to because these things can't be forced, much as I wish they could.

 

It's always hard giving up on something that is so great everywhere else, but if there's no passion, no spark, no attraction, you're friends. And nothing more. Tell her now, and make it easier on both of you.

 

Good luck. Keep us posted.

[harmfulsweetz]

I'm afraid there's not much left to say. I get it, I'm there now too. So I feel a little rich giving you advice I know I should take. It's hard when they are perfect everywhere else, there's nothing you find definitively unattractive, but she doesn't push your buttons. She's attractive, but you're not attracted to her. Am I right?

 

See, we all have that. There are men and women (many if not most) who find Angelina Jolie very attractive, but not all of them are attracted to her. There'll be a girl at work, school, college etc whom most will say is attractive, but some will not be attracted to. If she doesn't push your buttons, this isn't your fault, isn't her fault, it's one of those chemical things we can't explain. Rarely can we define what it is about someone that does it for us, there's just this thing. This elusive thing, which subconsciously we know but ask us it? not a clue. Likewise, with someone we aren't attracted to, we may not know why. I wish we could put our fingers on it, because if we could, we may be able to fix it, or explain it better.

 

It's best that you think of a plausible, firm reason to not be with her i.e. it's not the right time, you aren't right for her, or simply, it isn't working for you. I'd go with it isn't working for you. Please, don't do what I've done. Get to three years later and be utterly screwed. I'm at the point where we've been together so long (not long compared to some, but this is my first really long term thing) it seems ridiculous that I'm not attracted to him. She'll figure it out soon enough, when the intimacy dies out, you stop being affectionate, and showing you care. It'll show even if you don't want it to because these things can't be forced, much as I wish they could.

 

It's always hard giving up on something that is so great everywhere else, but if there's no passion, no spark, no attraction, you're friends. And nothing more. Tell her now, and make it easier on both of you.

 

Good luck. Keep us posted.

[jerseyboy]

I'm afraid there's not much left to say. I get it, I'm there now too. So I feel a little rich giving you advice I know I should take. It's hard when they are perfect everywhere else, there's nothing you find definitively unattractive, but she doesn't push your buttons. She's attractive, but you're not attracted to her. Am I right?

 

See, we all have that. There are men and women (many if not most) who find Angelina Jolie very attractive, but not all of them are attracted to her. There'll be a girl at work, school, college etc whom most will say is attractive, but some will not be attracted to. If she doesn't push your buttons, this isn't your fault, isn't her fault, it's one of those chemical things we can't explain. Rarely can we define what it is about someone that does it for us, there's just this thing. This elusive thing, which subconsciously we know but ask us it? not a clue. Likewise, with someone we aren't attracted to, we may not know why. I wish we could put our fingers on it, because if we could, we may be able to fix it, or explain it better.

 

It's best that you think of a plausible, firm reason to not be with her i.e. it's not the right time, you aren't right for her, or simply, it isn't working for you. I'd go with it isn't working for you. Please, don't do what I've done. Get to three years later and be utterly screwed. I'm at the point where we've been together so long (not long compared to some, but this is my first really long term thing) it seems ridiculous that I'm not attracted to him. She'll figure it out soon enough, when the intimacy dies out, you stop being affectionate, and showing you care. It'll show even if you don't want it to because these things can't be forced, much as I wish they could.

 

It's always hard giving up on something that is so great everywhere else, but if there's no passion, no spark, no attraction, you're friends. And nothing more. Tell her now, and make it easier on both of you.

 

Good luck. Keep us posted.

 

 

How do you do it? Are you guys not intimate? I cant tell by your pic but you look young , so maybe you can get away with not doing anything.

 

I suppose its easier to fake it for girls as well.

 

Honestly, I would of given up sex to be with her. It didnt matter. Not in a masochistic kind of way. Just by comparison being with her was far more rewarding and pleasurable, and up until then I was always a very passionate person and wouldnt have imagined I could have felt that way.

 

Im an adult, and I have to say it was the most adult relationship I have ever been in. My family adored her, I adored hers. Everything that had always been an issue in any other relationship...there was none of it. She wasnt jealous, not even a bit. Not in an Im faking it cause I dont want you to know how mental I am kind of way. Just genuinely trusting. She loved what she did for a living, so she was always happy and not looking for someone else to make up for a miserable work day.Even when we did have a disagreement, and once or twice with her genunely upset and in tears. It was handled like an adult. No harsh words, no lingering resentment, no raised voices. Just talked through it and it actually got resolved!!! OMFG

 

Liked the same music, the same food, not that such is a major thing, but just that much less irritation in a relationship. Loved being with her, talking to her, always laughing with the same twisted sense of humors. She could make me laugh as well, which no offense, but most women have no inate sense of humor, They can appreciate it, but dont have one themselves, at least not so youd want to listen to it. And not selfish and at the same able to tell you what she needed if that makes any sense. As a guy you are accustomed to doing those nice things for women, surprising them, an unexpected gift , something to show you are thinking of them, they mean a lot to you, and how much you care. Was totaly shocking after my prior relationship to be surprised when she did the same. Not in a tit for tat way, just from the heart. I was never that happy with someone in my life, or felt I was in as healthy and mutually nurturing a relationship.

 

And then we would get to the bedroom. Uggh.

 

And it was nothing that she could change. Nothing that you could say if I just worked on this..... She was passionate, energetic, initiated it all the time. I mean wanted to please, wasnt selfish at all, or frigid or "I dont want to do that" She was a wonderful person.

 

But she had this naturally full Irish pale skin, freckled (not ridiculously so like some people, but I guess enough.) I dont know what they do, but most girls seem to have smooth silky skin, hers was different somehow. Not harsh, just less so if that makes sense. And she had this annoying tattoo, not big or tasteless, it just seemed out of place with her. Like why the f'k is that thing there. And she was one of those girls that didnt enjoy having oral sex done to her.Which was always kind of a big deal for me I guess, something I really enjoy doing, and turns me on. But she would climb on me, and start going at it. And it was really easy for her to get off, over and over again, almost form the get go. She would just go on and on. It was loud, which I dont mind at all, but somehow seemed weird when she did it. It was like she was in her own little world lol. Like at that point during it I didnt feel like an involved or interested part to what was going on, more like some inanimate device she was using. Not in a hurtful way, just whatever. And when it was done shed want to do other things, and want me to get off, it was just so awkward with her internally, forced and unpleasurable. Not so that she noticed, I faked it through it all. And solmething about her scent. Not a foul or I havent bathed kind of scent. Just somethinbg natural to her, even if she came out of the shower. Not horrible or anything, more like my minds response was this isnt the right person for you. I dont know iof that makes any sense

 

Holy **** I go on forever lol

 

Sorry

[harmfulsweetz]

I go on forever too.

 

I am young you could say, 22, (I don't look it I look younger haha I was ID'd for a fifteen cert film the other month!) I guess we don't do it as often as he'd like, we did last night, and I couldn't wait for it to be done. We're great most other places, ok, we used to be great most other places. That's the thing-once you lose it, you've lost it. It's hard then to keep everything else tip top, because there's this underlying imbalance, a problem, a crack which won't go away with glue. The fact is, not many people realize that even though everything else is great, there's just not that thing. And if there isn't that thing, you are no more than friends. You can love someone and not fancy them, but that's not being in love with them. I blame myself for the decline in my R, it's entirely my fault. I could always try harder, do more to work through it, but I suppose if it isn't there, it isn't there. I go by what you put in, you get out, but you can't put it in, if you haven't go it to put in.

 

It's not healthy to stay with someone who doesn't do it for you, it only leads to resentment on both parts. That's what's happening now. Once one crack forms, others form too. Soon, it's just one cracked wall and a whole loada glue. I'm not suggesting that it isn't workable, it is I guess. People do it right? it's just more susceptible to happen again. There's nothing in particular about him that is unattractive to me, he's attractive, but I guess I'm not attracted. There's many things he does to turn me off, but they are natural to him, and it's sad its gone this way, because I once thought he was the One. idealistic I know. I'm going to be Samantha from Sex and the City, I've decided. 50, fabulous and single. lol. I don't think it's a good idea to stay, but I'm one to talk. I'm just trying to find any way around it I can. three years is a long time, and it comes and goes right?

[grampi]

As a woman who has been in many relationships where the guys really liked me, but would inevitably start criticizing my appearance or making comments about my shape, I would say that it is better to end the relationship (for whatever reason you choose--just so long as she understands that there is nothing she can do to change your mind---that is the tricky part) rather than string her along. Because eventually, something will happen, and she will get the idea of why you don't like her.

 

Don't force what isn't there.

 

I once dated a guy whom I loved very much and we had such a great time together---but there was no chemistry. He eventually stopped wanting intimacy and eventually dumped me with the lamest excuse ever---and I knew all along why, but it would have helped me much better afterwards if he had been honest----I was left with it unresolved for a long, long time. Deep down in my heart it made me feel like I was just to unattractive, and not what he wanted to be serious with.

 

When someone criticizes me for my shape, I just tell them round is a shape.

[JL911]

Heres my advice...

 

I was in a relationship for 3.5 years with a girl who I seemed to be always on the fence with...We had sex, I enjoyed it, I enjoyed her company, I thought she was attractive, and yes I did love her...But she had a lot of other issues as far as trying to control me and always nagging me when we were together that I think always kept me from getting too involved and invested. Yet I stuck it out for all this time...I know I'm an idiot...

 

Something was always missing. At the beginning things were new and fun and great but I never missed her....Ever....We would go days without having sex in the inital startup...We would go weeks sometimes without seeing each other and it never really bothered me (even early on)...When we did get together it was exciting for her because she was deeply in love with me, but I never found myself at that point, but I was simply happy having a person care so much for me and thought maybe thats what true love is...Comfortable and boring...She eventually caught on to me just going through the motions and just doing enough to keep things going and ended things...I was kinda upset when it all went down, I did love her, It did hurt a lot...she was one of my best friends and we no longer speak...

 

Months after our breakup and dating a few other people I met my current lady. I at times do reflect back on the previous relationship and honestly dont know why I wasted so much of my own and this girls time. When I see my current gf...I cannot wait to tear her clothes off and get busy...We have an excellent sexual relationship...She is so sexually appealing to me, and at the same time is really one of my best friends...When we are apart I think about her a lot, and I do miss her...and she makes sad faces at me when I have to leave...lol

 

So really what Im saying is, I know where you are at...I think very honestly there may be someone better out there for you who can match your desires with their own...It is really hard to let go of someone you truely do care for and cares for you as well..

[jerseyboy]

I go on forever too.

 

I am young you could say, 22, (I don't look it I look younger haha I was ID'd for a fifteen cert film the other month!) I guess we don't do it as often as he'd like, we did last night, and I couldn't wait for it to be done. We're great most other places, ok, we used to be great most other places. That's the thing-once you lose it, you've lost it. It's hard then to keep everything else tip top, because there's this underlying imbalance, a problem, a crack which won't go away with glue. The fact is, not many people realize that even though everything else is great, there's just not that thing. And if there isn't that thing, you are no more than friends. You can love someone and not fancy them, but that's not being in love with them. I blame myself for the decline in my R, it's entirely my fault. I could always try harder, do more to work through it, but I suppose if it isn't there, it isn't there. I go by what you put in, you get out, but you can't put it in, if you haven't go it to put in.

 

It's not healthy to stay with someone who doesn't do it for you, it only leads to resentment on both parts. That's what's happening now. Once one crack forms, others form too. Soon, it's just one cracked wall and a whole loada glue. I'm not suggesting that it isn't workable, it is I guess. People do it right? it's just more susceptible to happen again. There's nothing in particular about him that is unattractive to me, he's attractive, but I guess I'm not attracted. There's many things he does to turn me off, but they are natural to him, and it's sad its gone this way, because I once thought he was the One. idealistic I know. I'm going to be Samantha from Sex and the City, I've decided. 50, fabulous and single. lol. I don't think it's a good idea to stay, but I'm one to talk. I'm just trying to find any way around it I can. three years is a long time, and it comes and goes right?

 

 

Yeah plus youre still a baby really, so its even harder. You are way too young to even be considering something like that at this point in your life. Those kind of compromises should come much later, with real life concerns playing a part, and after life has beat you up some more.

[dreamergrl]

What you feel is a bond of friendship. It's not fair to you or her (especially her, since you know this and she doesn't) to keep this going on as a relationship.

 

You can't force yourself to be attracted to her. You'll end up resenting one another in the long run.

 

There's no such thing as compromising when it comes to attraction. You can't give it up. It will not end well.