Disloyal birth family

[HurtDaughter&Sister]

My problem is that my birth family has no sense of loyalty. My mother is unusually hung up with HER sister - my aunt. This aunt's husband has been verbally and emotionally VERY, VERY abusive towards me. I'm not boasting, but I did fairly well for myself - have a good education, a decent job and am independent. His own daughters - my cousins - have flunked out of high school, never held a job and still live off their parents. This probably motivated his jealous and abusive treatment of me. My aunt and mother would never intervene whenever he abused me even publicly. One time, I got laid off and was temporarily unemployed. He told me I am dependent on other people for my food! Gee...what about your own daughters, you SOB? My aunt was around and she laughed as though her husband had cracked a big joke. So I gave him a piece of my mind - and that didn't go well with his family. They cut me out! In the beginning, I was so hurt that I actually apologized to my aunt and cousin for STANDING UP FOR MYSELF. I told them that their husband/father was right and that I was an idiot for not taking his cr@p. But they wouldn't accept my apology. Some time later, I realized that it was a LUCKY DAY for me to to be finally rid of the DYSFUNCTIONAL lot.

 

Fastforward to a couple of years later: My brother announces his wedding. My cousin hitches with a guy that will provide very well for her. I am not invited to her wedding. My entire family - i.e my parents and my siblings and future SIL - are. They attend the wedding and then LIE TO ME ABOUT NOT HAVING DONE SO. My future SIL bust the con they pulled on me. I called my parents and siblings on it. They say that MY misunderstanding with my aunt's family has nothing to do with them. They want to still be family and basically, told me that my aunt and her jerk husband and kids are more important to them than me. Naturally I was hurt and told them that since they didn't care how hurt I was, that I wasn't gonna care about them or their feelings and to NEVER contact me again.

 

My parents and siblings have since sent me a gadzillion e-mails, demanding that I answer my phone/respond to their e-mails/write to them etc etc etc. They accuse me of being an ungrateful daughter/sister, whereas I think THEY have been disloyal to me. Aren't families supposed to be "packaged deals"? Please tell me if I should forget about the years of verbal abuse and just lump it and be there for faaaaaaaaaamily or if, for my own sanity, cut them out and live my own life?

[Arabess]

It does sound as though you have quite the dysfuntional family there! I think everyone feels that way about their families to some degree though. You aren't alone in wondering what the hell is wrong with yours. LOL!

 

There IS a difference in cutting yourself off from them.....and distancing yourself from them. Maybe avoiding some of the contact would be a better first step than deciding you no longer want to be a part of them. No matter how bad they are.....they are still the only family you have.

 

Maybe you could see a therapist....someone to help you heal your own heart first. Then slowly incoporate them back into your life in a limited capacity.

 

Good luck....I know this must be a tough time for you.

[Errol]

Don't bow down to their pressure. Just tell them that you have been hurt by them for too long and that you would love to be part of the family, but you won't tolerate their abuse. If they want to keep you in the "loop" then they need to respect you and your feelings and when they are ready for that you will be open to them. Then stop initiating contact with them.

 

Be the person you want to be, don't ever try to be the person someone else wants you to be.

 

The only ones losing out are them. We choose our friends but not our family and sometimes we have to let the family go -- why spend time with someone who will treat you bad or make you feel bad. They say blood is thicker than water but all that means is your kidneys may be a match!

 

There are several members of my family that I don't see or have anything to do with. If one of them called and said they needed a kidney I would still have to think long and hard about donating one of mine, just as I would if they were a stranger.

 

Surround yourself with people of your choosing - because you enjoy their company and have some feelings for them and if your family doesn't fit that mold let them go. But think carefully about your own feelings and what is right or wrong for YOU.