I got angry when husband bared his white pot belly in front of me

[ArdeaCandidissima]

The subject sounds like a joke, but I'm quite serious. My husband has packed on 30-40 lbs more than he needs, and he has gotten quite potbellied. Like he swallowed a honeydew melon. Just last night, he was pulling off his sweatshirt in front of me in the kitchen, and pulled his T-shirt off his stomach at the same time. His white, hairy belly was gleaming in the overhead light, just a few feet in front of me at my eye level. (I was seated.) It seemed to take forever for him to pull his T-shirt back down, which itself barely concealed this belly.

 

I felt shocked at the suddenness of this bulging belly gleaming, and disgusted by its repulsiveness. The thought quickly came to me that he would not bare his hideous belly in front of a woman that he was trying to impress. He seemed quite unconscious of my feelings. I didn't say anything.

 

The rare times we (attempt to) have sex, I feel repelled by the belly bouncing off me. It looks and feels quite repellent.

 

I have considered sex with strangers, and have had Loveshackers warn me off it, largely because it would hurt and demean me. Perhaps. Yet (attempted) sex with my depressed, scowling, effectively impotent husband is already demeaning. I get turned off thinking about being close to him.

 

I'm not looking for solutions because I doubt there are any. Can you just give me a few words of comfort? And thanks already, just for giving me a place to air my taboo feelings.

[CostumeSmile]

I have considered sex with strangers, and have had Loveshackers warn me off it, largely because it would hurt and demean me. Perhaps. Yet (attempted) sex with my depressed, scowling, effectively impotent husband is already demeaning. I get turned off thinking about being close to him.

 

Sex with strangers? Get a divorce first. Honestly it doesn't even sound like you love this man, why stay?

 

This can't be doing any of you any good, have you tried expressing to him that his weight gain bothers you? Give the man a chance to change.

[moimeme]

The thought quickly came to me that he would not bare his hideous belly in front of a woman that he was trying to impress.

 

Well, I guess maybe he thinks you love him and that you are not actively repulsed by him

 

Really, Ardea, I think you should just divorce this guy. I heard you just talk about you and your feelings and nothing about how he might feel, particularly if he knew he 'repulsed' you. How more crushing a feeling could anybody have?

 

Do this man a favour and divorce him.

[cindy0039]

Wow....did you not take wedding vows that said, "for better or for worse"?

 

Have you and your husband tried marriage counseling?

[midori]

Ardea, my understanding of your situation is that this has been a problem for a long long time -- your husband's depression and lack of sex drive, and your own frustration and alienation from him.

 

I'm not sure what is keeping you in the marriage, but whatever it is I think you need to scrutinize the situation so that you can get out of the unhappy place you're in. I agree with those who have suggested that the indifference, and now repulsion, you feel towards your husband is cancerous. It will not improve with time. If counseling and various treatments for your husband's depression haven't helped your marital situation, it may be time to consider ending the marriage. If you haven't tried counseling yet, you really should think about it. If your husband refuses, there's nothing you can do to save the marriage single-handedly. There are no gold stars given to people who stay in a marriage that's rotten at its core and allow themselves to deteriorate into ugliness and hate -- which is where it sounds like you're headed.

[Arabess]

[color=red]........Arabess gives Ardea a great big hug and a pat on the head in complete sympathy........[/color]

 

I was in a marriage where when he pulled up in the yard....I got nauseated. It took some years before he finally left the marriage. It was the BEST day of my life!

 

I really am sorry for you....I hope circumstances change so you can get out of the hell hole eventually.

[ArdeaCandidissima]

Yes, we said our vows in a church. They are part of what has kept me here.

 

Why else do I stay? Don't want to be poor, don't want to give our kids a broken home, inertia, fear of the unknown.

 

Should I ask him if he would consider divorce a favor? He is quite depressed right now, and also unemployed.

 

We have tried counselling, and it did seem helpful, but it was very expensive.

 

Is it really that bad just to get a little sexual release elsewhere, with a man who has a halfway decent-looking body? This would be strictly NSA. When I started hunting men on the Internet, my mood improved a lot, to the point where even my husband noticed. Go ahead, beat me up, I'm a masochist.

 

You know, lots of people tell Loveshack their crappy, crummy thoughts and desires. I sure don't expect a medal for mine. I have kept them hidden all these years because I know how people will respond to me, the unloving wife. The weird thing is that my husband will tell anybody who asks that he's crazy about me...

[dyermaker]

I think we can both feel sorry for you, and realize that you'd be doing something wrong if you go outside the marriage.

[moimeme]

The weird thing is that my husband will tell anybody who asks that he's crazy about me...

 

Which means he'd be crushed were you to cheat on him, likely. And the problem with affairs is that you can never guarantee they won't be found out. NEVER.

[Arabess]

Sure....an affair is not a good thing.....but you can't spend your whole life miserable with no affection. If he loves Ardea enough....he'll lose some weight so he can hump without a bump.....and be attractive to her. Sometimes, you just can't get out of a marriage.

 

I wish I had the internet when I was in my crummy mess. Then again, I WAS a preacher's wife....guess I couldn't have done THAT either without God striking me down in a bolt of lightening!!!

 

(Sorry Ardea...didn't mean to speak of you in the third person!)

[jenny]

did you talk to him about the possibility of an open marriage?

 

and, if inertia is a problem, it seems like having a secret affair would bejust so much trouble and work.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Is it really that bad just to get a little sexual release elsewhere, with a man who has a halfway decent-looking body? This would be strictly NSA.

 

I think sexual release with an attractive partner might serve its purpose ... but only if you were truly free from the actual problems you were trying to escape. I think I would ask myself: "Would my life truly be happier? Would it help me to deal with my husband's depression? Would it solve my financial problems and make my husband appear more attractive to me?"

 

I've never stepped outside of a relationship myself, so I can only imagine that it might only escalate my unhappiness. To tease myself with only a taste of momentary joy, only to realize later that I am not free to explore and enjoy this facet of my life entirely. It would be like the devastating crash after an amazing high.

 

I would never advocate divorce unless it was the absolute last resort, only after every other avenue has been tried, and every stone turned. My only wish is that people would realize just how strong they actually are, and how much control they really have over their own well-being. None of us are 'trapped' in our unhappiness. We are not victims of circumstance or bad choices. We each have the power within ourselves to choose our own destinies and change our lives and our future for the better. The problem is, it requires hard work and courage, so most people just surrender and remain unhappy casualties of their own negative thinking...fooling themselves that they have no other alternative.

 

And nothing could be further from the truth.

 

You are stronger than you think, Ardea!

[penguinluv]

I can see why it would be gross to see that, but isnt love more than skin deep? Why did you mary him anyway? You said your afraid of your children growing up in broken home, well, arent they alreadY?

[steveb]

Have you told him how you feel?

 

At least give him the oportunity to know you are repulsed, so that he can attept to address it.

 

Women keep too many secrets. (generalization)

[PG4ever]

A lot of men (myself included at one time) consider what they do for a living as an extention of themselves, especially if they are the family breadwinner. In some cases, no job means no self-worth, low self-esteem, and depression. This situation might all base off that. If he doesn't care about himself, it would be hard for him to care about anyone or anything else.

[quankanne]

The weird thing is that my husband will tell anybody who asks that he's crazy about me...

 

he loves you, all right. But I think maybe you've gone from the girl he actively chased to the one he caught (or he was caught) and it's settled into a less overtly romantic relationship, right? and that sucks.

 

you've got some options: quietly (or loudly, whatever works) encourage him to clean up. My favorite phrase with my husband is "honey, when you clean up, you clean up VERY nicely!" and I'll give him a big kiss. It's easy to just slip into slob mode and stay there.

 

look into counseling. if not together, then alone. Most church leaders are willing to talk to someone who needs to talk, without charging an arm and a leg.

 

use humor to defuse the situation. thanks to some heavy duty drugs he's been prescribed, my husband has developed an excessive sweet-tooth and now looks like he's 4-5 months pregnant. And we've turned that into an inside joke, even getting "Jr." to kick every once in awhile. Okay, so it's not the prettiest sight, but hell, we can laugh about it, and that's much better than being upset.

 

another thing is to get him to go for a complete physical -- if he's older, he could be going through a stage where his "boy hormones" are low or depleted (andropause) and that could be affecting his sex drive, which in turn affect affects his mental state.

 

you've got a lot of options to take with him before completely throwing in the towel, and I think if you present your case to him in a way that is as non-threatening as possible, he just may respond positively. The last thing we want to be to the person we love most is undesirable ...

 

good luck,

quank

[FreeMe]

I'm wondering - what is he doing about his depression? Is he on medication? Depression is a phsychological and physical illness. If he was able to get medication and get out of his depression chances are he would become more active, just because he'd start feeling good. I know this from experience. I think that's the first issue to address. Then the issue of his unhealthy (and of course unattractive) big fat gut.

 

I can understand you being repulsed by it. How many men have I heard of that lost interest in their wives because of weight gain. I would feel the same way. But I think the first problem to tackle is his depression. If you suggested now, while he's depressed, that he should shape up and lose some weight, I'm sure it wouldn't help him or you. If he was able to overcome the depression, it would change his whole attitude and it might change yours as well. When someone is feeling good about him or herself, it's infective. It also might help him with a job search and interviews, though you didn't say if he's looking or why he's out of work.

[ca]

Love is skin deep, i sure do beleive it , and the foundation to a good marraige is effective communication.

Maybe you both need to speak to each other about one another's problems and reservations. and see if theres a chance for you guys to hit a compromise somewhere!

But honestly, if you are just not interested in him as a person, maybe divorce is the best option out! no point u gettin frustrated in the marriage , and well, spare him the insult of being repulsive to you too!!

U need to figure out if u could live with your husband, if he were to lose weight.. if that was the ONLY problem you had with him.....

[doniker]

I can relate to this.

 

My wife of 9 years has gained a ton of weight and is now well over 300 pounds.

 

We have sex maybe once about every 6 weeks and it isn't much good anymore.

 

In the beginning of our relationship we had wild sex quite often but she was thinner.

 

I long for sex with a normal sized woman but what can I do?

 

It would be selfish to leave my daughter and give up everything I have worked for to get a divorce so I could have sex with someone else. Plus I am 40 years old....odds are I am not going to find anyone without alot of issues and baggage that I don't need to deal with.

 

So I just suffer in my miserable life.

[AllyKat]

I think when you take a vow of marriage you need to realize sometimes looks change. I mean if you marry someone just because of what they look like, you are heading for diseaster!

 

Have you tried to exercise with him? Have you tried to cook differently for him?

 

Im not trying to be mean to you...but what makes you think you are the spring chicken you used to be? Just a reality check to think about, is he still attracted to you the same? Maybe you both need to talk, to get things out in the open.

 

Sleeping with someone else solves your problem for night, but then opens another can of worms. Marriage is for better or worse, not until someones looks fades.

 

I urge you to help your husband out, not abandon him now. It seems he may need you now more than ever.

[jenny]

AllyKat,

i'm not sure if you're familiar with ardea's entire story. physical appearance is only the tip of the iceberg in this case; read back through her posts if you'd like, it's quite a complex story.

[coldheart]

Glad he doesn't have cancer or something, with support like that he wouldn't last long. "All you do is lay around in the bed puking all the time. You've shriveled away to nothing. I'm sick of looking at your bald head. Maybe i'll go sleep with a man with eyebrows, then i'll be happy."

[moimeme]

I agree, coldheart. Living with a chronically ill mate is exactly what the 'for worse' you promise is supposed to be about. Might as just well take it out of the vows. Change to 'for better ONLY'.

[bark]

'm not looking for solutions because I doubt there are any. Can you just give me a few words of comfort? And thanks already, just for giving me a place to air my taboo feelings.

 

I just want to acknowledge coldheart (aptly named) and moineme for the wonderful "words of comfort" they gave this poster, Andrea. I'm sure she appreciates these tender words:

 

Glad he doesn't have cancer or something, with support like that he wouldn't last long. "All you do is lay around in the bed puking all the time. You've shriveled away to nothing. I'm sick of looking at your bald head. Maybe i'll go sleep with a man with eyebrows, then i'll be happy."

 

 

I agree, coldheart. Living with a chronically ill mate is exactly what the 'for worse' you promise is supposed to be about. Might as just well take it out of the vows. Change to 'for better ONLY'.

 

Now, Andrea, don't you feel so much better.

[bark]

I apologize for my sloppy misspelling of the threadstarter's name: it's Ardea, not Andrea.