Maintaining a friendship after being rejected?

[LonelyGuy85]

I have been thinking about asking out one of my 'friends' recently, but the problem is that if she says no (I don't mind, i would be gutted, but i would regret it forever if i didn't at least try) the last thing i want to do is destroy the friendship. I would much rather have her as just a friend than not have her around at all.

 

So realistically, can a friendship be maintained if one person tries to advance the relationship but gets shot down? If there is a chance then i don't want to really risk it.

[boogieboy]

Depends on the people. First of all, this isnt a friendship, you reduced it to lustful aquaintance. Because if you make a move on her and she rejects you, one of you isnt going to be able to handle it.

 

if she could care less about you, she could carry on no problem. Then it depends on if you can still look at her after that.

 

BTW since you dont know if she is into you, you havent worked enough on attracting her to you. She hasnt flirted with you enough, and she doesnt see you that way, so you surely will be rejected. You have to make her WANT to be attracted to you first before making that sort of move.

 

Obviously if she is just a "friend", then you have been too nice to her, maybe exposing yourself to her too much, and she hasnt seen other women lusting after you. You have to establish all that before getting her to like you now.

 

If she is in your social circle, thaats like shyttin where you eat. You might not want to go there.

 

So whats goin on here, do you talk alot?

How long have you two known each other?

How often does she call you?

Do you see ANY hint of flirting from her?

Is she in your social circle?

[LonelyGuy85]

Thanks for the reply,

 

I don't really have a social circle, so she is definitely not in it. The truth is that I haven't known her that long, maybe 4 months, but in that time we have become quite close. I first met her when i started a new job. She always meets me for lunch at work and even after we had to switch to different teams she keeps sending me e-mails all the time. So she is definitely going out of her way to talk to communicate with me.

 

In terms of flirting. I am useless. Seriously useless. You would have a better chance of asking a blindman to win a game of guess who than me picking up on when someone is flirting with me, but i have noticed she touches my arm sometimes when i make her laugh.

 

I would say outside of work i have been out with her and a few of a mates a few times, but i think this is the area where i have missed out on the biggest opportunities. I have gotten on really well with her friends, but in doing so i think i have neglected her more than i would have liked to have done.

 

I am really bad at making a move on a woman; i have really low self esteem and always think to myself why would she be with me when there are much better guys out there. This usually shakes my confidence, and ends with me not saying anything and losing out, again.

 

Another problem for me is that i just don't know how to act like i am interested in her compared to acting like i am just friends with her. I pay her a lot more attention than i do other women, and constantly joke around with her, but i am missing the skills to make that into a flirtatous joke.

 

Man, i am going to die alone.

[Edward10]

Ask her out (I always vote for jumping off the cliff in life). Sitting on the sidelines is not my cup of tea.

 

 

But just tell her that regardless of the outcome - you need the friendship. None of the 'I hate you" stuff if it doesn't work out.

 

Depending on her maturity and the background you two have - she will likely agree.

 

 

Friendship isn't one way you know.

[artchick88]

If I were friends with a guy and I didnt feel romantic toward him and he asked me out this is how I would like him to go about it so that we could remain friends.

I would like him to express that he is glad we are friends and tell me that he is attracted to me.

He should ask if I should ever want to go out with him, he'd love to take me out. But that otherwise he's just happy that we are such good friends.

To do it in a flirtatious confident way is key.

Also do not just make a move as this may really make her uncomfortable around you.

Have you ever considered hanging out in a romantic setting (going out for drinks, going dancing, going to the movies) and see if anything happens naturally? I would imagine if she were interested in you something would be able to happen naturally like this.

Some guys are under the impression that if something hasnt happened with a girl its because you havent asked her out yet but actually this rule really only seems to apply to incredibly shy or conservative individuals. Most of us are just as willing to let something happen without a formal date as most men are.

just a tip. good luck!

[LonelyGuy85]

Two completely opposite views. I like it, although it does make me slightly more confused about the best course of action.

 

Edward10, i like the idea of jumping in feet first, completely oblivious to any negative outcomes. It's not in my personally to be that forward and abrupt. I think it's a good strategy if you have the personality to do it though.

 

Artchick88, I really like your suggestion. I am quite a conservative person, so i always find it incredibly hard to show my feelings towards people. In fact, as cliched as this sounds, i always think of myself kind of like the sad clown; happy and carefree on the outside, but inside i am reserved and lack self confidence. This plays really negatively towards me as i just don't have the abiltiy to flirt with a girl, so find it hard to make myself clear. I like to think there is something between us, but i can't be 100% sure that there is. However, i really like your suggestion of letting her know that i feel something towards her and if wants to go out something then that would be great, but if she wants to remain just friends then thats ok to.

 

I have a question though, is there a point where a guy should stop making a girl laugh? I recently spoke to a friend of mine and she was saying that once i come out of my shell that i am really funn. In terms of friendships that is great but as a tool to attract a girl is that a good thing? Do women find funny guys attractive or just good as a friend?

[Cornholio12]

I think it can be maintained if you do get rejected, because the majority of the time, it doesn't have anything to do with you.

[LonelyGuy85]

What do you mean when you say that the majoirty of the time it doesn't have to do with you? In what way?

[carhill]

Her feelings of attraction or not are within her, and have nothing to do with you personally. IOW, if she's not attracted to you, it doesn't lessen your intrinsic value or attractiveness.

 

As far as maintaining a friendship, a good indicator would be, if you can give her a warm hug and then shake hands with her new boyfriend and chat each other up on mutual interests, I'd say that road might be a worthy one to travel. If not, no. The same would apply for her. Good luck

[LonelyGuy85]

Carhill, that is an interesting thought. I honestly don't know if i could be ok with meeting her boyfriend and shaking his hand, but i would because I know it's my own fault in not letting her know prior to their getting together. I wouldn't make someone else feel uncomfortable because of my own hang up's. so i would let him know how lucky he his, not in a 'I have feelings for her' kind of way, but in a way that let's him know he is a lucky guy. If i am honest, i lack the confidence.

[Cornholio12]

What do you mean when you say that the majoirty of the time it doesn't have to do with you? In what way?

 

Exactly what I say I mean. Rejection sometimes has more to do with the individual that it does the person they have rejected, or at least, this is the same thing I've been told-

[Jerry18]

I think you should really consider how you'll be able to handle it. I've always ceased friendships with those who rejected me...

 

The conflict of interest is too great to maintain a simple friendship.

[Jordanjames]

I agree with some of the other posters I think you need to distance yourself from this individual. In order for you to truly move on from this woman you need to let it go. I know it is going to be hard. Do you have friends? Why not go to a bar or movie or something or a club? Why not join a group? You need to meet single available women and spend time with them.

[LonelyGuy85]

That's another point, the truth is that i just don't have many, if any, friends. So the idea of destroying this friendship is something i don't want to do, but at the same time in the last few weeks i am constantly thinking about her.

 

I am torn. On the one hand i want to remain her friend and the idea of that going away is scary, but on the other hand the idea of not being with her kills me.

[Jordanjames]

I also don't have a lot of friends and I clung on to a guy for dear life after a romantic relationship ended last year because I had strong feelings for him. I thought if I was just his friend that I could compromise. I realized thought compromising is not worth my mental health and happiness. Of course I miss him sometimes but I feel I am getting stronger and more confident. I feel I am having more perspective and I deserve love and happiness. I don't want to be second fiddle to nobody.

 

I also realize my happiness is my responsibility and not someone elses. I had a strong feelings for a guy we were friends for seven years we slept together and dated. It did not workout. However, I realized I can't be JUST friend and I deserve more and better. I haven't spoken to him or communicated with him since late October 2009. It is not the end of the world I have good days and bad days. But I realize my happiness is up to me not up to someone else. No one is going to make you happy you have to make yourself happy.

 

I suggest that you look within yourself and realize you are worthy of love. You don't deserve to be second fiddle to anyone. I also suggest that you realize you do deserve happiness and you will find love again.

 

However, hanging on this woman is NOT going to help you. Being this woman's friend when you have strong feelings for her when she already has a boyfriend is unrequited love and dangerous. Unrequited love is very sad because it means your affection is not returned. '

 

You will meet someone but this girl is getting off on the fact that you shower her with affection. May I suggest to you that you meet someone else?

I also don't have a lot of friends but can I suggest something why don't you go to www.meetup.com this website is really good. This website is for people that want to make new friends. If you have an interest there probably is a group on meetup.com. I went to my first meetup.com movie last week I was nervous but I eventually got over my nervousness and had a good time. There are also dating clubs on meetup.com. You will meet someone else I promise you. I don't know the time of course when you will meet a new woman. However, you are not going to move on with your life and be happy if you continue to cling on to this woman. Think about your own happiness and mental health. You deserve better.

Edited December 4, 2009 by Jordanjames