I love my ex's best friend, but its more complicated than that..

[guiltridden]

Hello for anyone who reads this (and thank you because it's a long one)

 

I was accepted to UH manoa in Hawaii so I moved here in July. When I first came out, in May, to visit Hawaii, I found out I had an old childhood friend, Simon, lived in Honolulu (we went to elementary, middle, and high school together; we were in different groups but we were always nice to each other). So, we met up the first day of my trip and he invited me over his apartment and asked me kindly to stay with him for the rest of my stay there so that I wouldn't have to pay for a really ****ty hostel. Right off the bat, I thought wow this guy is so sweet, funny, and kinda cute; he outgrew his awkwardness in high school. By the end of the week, anyone could tell that there was a connection there. Nothing happened but we both started liking each other.

I went back to SD and packed my things and tied up any loose ends before I left for Hawaii and during that month and a half before I left SD, Simon and I would talk and we became closer.

We met up back at our hometown in Pennsylvania for a week to see our families (he was set to be deployed for September, and I was saying bye before I left for Hawaii) and we had a great time together. It was the first time we kissed after talking for a month and a half. We both decided we wanted to know where this could go. He said I could stay with him and his roommate until school started, and I did.

When July 14th came, I was living in his apartment and we started a small relationship. He introduced me to his friends and I hung out with all his friends. But when he introduced me to Jacob, I immediately felt a strong attraction towards him. (jacob and simon were college roommates and were in boot camp togther. they've known each other for 7 years). Regardless I pushed it aside because of how great I thought Simon was.

He never let me pay for anything, he was a gentleman, he took care of me. But, as the month progressed I started realizing who he really was and I was not completely thrilled. But I liked him, I knew that but the connection was not all there for me. I was also weary because I knew he was leaving for Iraq. We would fight all the time, and I would tell him how i really felt and that I thought something was missing. (Regardless, I stayed with him thinking that what I felt could get stronger) He didn't want to hear it. He asked me if I could commit to him after a year of him not being there, and I told him flat out " I don't know, I'm not ready, I can't answer that, I need to concentrate on me because I'm 25 and I have not graduated yet!" So what does he do, he showers me with presents, he let me borrow his things so that i wouldn't have to buy furnishings for my apartment. He bought me over $1500 dollars worth of appliances... and I got angry. I voiced what I felt but he called me ungrateful. I was grateful, but it just seemed too much, too fast, and I felt panicked because he was already planning for "us" after he got back from Iraq. I tried to talk to him about it but he would shrug it off and just expected me to do what he wanted, and stay with him... so I kept it going. I also wasn't planning on being serious in any relationship because I wanted to graduate and not get distracted. So, I continued the relationship.

At the end of August, school started and I missed the first week and a half so that I could spend it with Simon until his deployment. He left early in September and he said to hang out with his friends, and to call Jacob anytime I wanted or needed help with anything.

So I did. I didn't know anyone else, I was limited to really only hanging out with Simon so I didn't really have any other friends.

The first week of his deployment, I thought, okay now I can concentrate on school. I asked Simon if he could help me with my books (400) and that i would pay him back as soon as my Financial Aid came in. the next day, without me knowing it, he wired me $1000. I got upset again, and said that it wasn't necessary. He said he wanted to be part of my life as much as he can and that doing things like sending me money was the only way. The second week, I finally realized that he was getting too much. He would always keep me on the computer to talk to him even though I told him I needed to study for all the classes I missed. He was extremely needy, and I was getting really busy. I told him I needed to slow things down and i needed to put my attention on school. So, he backed off, but by the third week, I was committing my weekend days to talk to him. He would get jealous every freakin time I went out with his friends. He would make me feel guilty that he has helped me and all he wanted was my time, and to feel some compassion because he was in Iraq.

So, I broke it off. I couldn't handle it. I knew I couldn't commit all my time to him especially in a long freaking distance relationship. I EXPLAINED all this to him, and I was honest about it. I even said "i will pay you back the thousand." and he said "no, i don't care about the money."

 

 

So, here's the problem. I started hanging out with Simon's friends, particularly Rachael, and Jacob (the latter two are roommates). A week after my break up with Simon, Rach and Jacob invited me to go out for the night with a group of people. They knew about the breakup but still decided to be friends with me. Jacob was being nice and bought me drinks and said "Simon told me to take care of you.." I got mad about that because, I can take care of myself!!! At the end of the night, we all got pretty drunk and somehow all of us were on the dance floor and the only one left from that nights group dancing was Jacob and I. I had no intentions of trying to get him to like me because I knew he was off limits; He is Simon's best friend!! But we ended up dancing... dancing like we were making love.

I knew right then and there, we liked each other. We didn't do anything that night, we just had fun. I went home and Jacob went home, and that was it.

The following weekend, I was invited to go to watch college football at a bar with the same people. For some reason the 6 people who were supposed to go ended up bailing out and the only one left to go watch the games were me and Jacob. There was tension there. We couldn't look at each other. I was so attracted to him but knew I couldn't do anything in respect of Simon. Plus I knew he wouldnt do anything with me either for the same reason, and because he is gorgeous and I felt i wasn't attractive enough for him. After 4 hours of drinking adn talking, we ended up having so much fun. He said he was meeting up with people at a different bar at 9pm and invited me to go. So i said yes. but it was only 6:30 at that point so we bought a 32 case of beer and drank it at his apartment.

We sat on opposite ends on his couch and watched True Blood (my favorite show) and we kept flirting the entire time. I would kick him, tease him, and he would push me and tickle me. 9pm rolls by and he and I are on the center of the couch... caressing each other but not in areas where he and i would get into trouble. By 11pm we had drank all the beer and by 12:00 I fell asleep on the couch with him. I woke up, realized he was next to me and shot up off the couch to his balcony (i was sweating so much from his leather couch).

He said I could stay in his air conditioned room, if i didn't mind staying and he could stay on the couch. I said okay...

He led me to his room and he stayed on the couch... except I told him that he shouldn't stay on the sweaty couch and that he could sleep on his own queen sized bed, as long as we were far apart from each other.

He agreed.

We were touching the entire time. I was on top of him at one point, jumped off and said "this isnt right," then he was on top of me the second time, and he jumped off and said, "we shouldn't do this." By the third time, he kissed me.... and it was all over. We both caved in.

What we shared that night was a really intimate, insane connection, and I knew I liked him more than what I thought. More than I EVER liked Simon.

After we had sex, i asked him he did this often to Simon's ex's. He said "no, of course not."

We ended up cuddling the rest of the night, and in the morning, he gave me a kiss good bye before he left for his race in a triathlon.

I snuck out of his apartment an hour after that because i didn't want Rachael to hear me.

I was so happy, and depressed at the same time. I knew this would hurt Simon. But I didn't want to jump to any conclusions because i didn't know waht Jacob felt. I was torn... I hadn't been that happy in such a long, long time and I couldn't be with Jacob for moral reasons. It tore me up. I felt so awful, confused, sick to my stomach but elated, happy, and i kept re-living that night over and over again in my head. I was walking around in as an emotional ball of mess, but yet all i could think about was waht Jacob was thinking and feeling.

Two days pass and I get a message from Jacob saying "i need to talk to you. i don't know who else to talk to without being looked at like an evil snake so please, will you meet with me tomorrow. We can go somewhere public if that would make you more comfortable." I said yes, of course adn met up with him the next day.

We met downstairs of my apartment complex, where I was doing my laundry. I told him we didn't need to go anywhere and that i was comfortable, jsut as long as he was.

I was soooooo nervous. He was too. He couldn't stop rocking back and forth from his right foot to his left. He was dressed to go "running" so I thought he was going to make the conversation quick.

What I thought he wanted to tell me was "i'm sorry, i regret what happened, if you want to tell simon, go for it, just know that I did not mean for us to sleep together, I was drunk."

But no, he said (after 3 hours of him talking in nervous gibberish, and not making sense) "I really like you. I've been in a state of depression and euphoria for the last few days and I don't know what to do. i don't know waht you are thinking. If you think I'm an *******, if you hate me and if you don't want to see me again, then tell me so I can go run and leave you alone, but i want to be with you."

I was elated!!! i told him how i felt too. We've been together ever since. And I am in love with him, and he is in love with me. I've asked him several times if this was worth losing a 7 year friendship over and he said "yes, even if we don't end up together." We talked about the consequences and about how we needed to tell Simon.

 

It's been a month and a half now that we have been together. Rachael knows what's going on because I've been over there apartment for the last month, Jacob adn I have been inseparable. She said she wouldn't say anything to Simon, but I didn't want her being in the middle since she has also been friends with Simon. i didnt want to tell simon yet about what was going on because i wanted him to heal.

Simon in the other hand, has been kind of suspicious. I stopped talking to him after we broke up, and he kept trying to speak to me and was getting upset that I wasn't talking to him online. I just didn't want to lead him on and it just isn't right talking to him when we are broken up, people always need time to heal. He said he was over it but kept saying how much I wasn't going to find someone as nice and giving as he is. So, it was time to tell him, especially because Jacob and I have established that we do want to be together.

Jacob told him last night about what has been going on via e-mail (he can't call him since he's in Iraq) and Simon flipped out. But he gave me more hell than he did Jacob.

Simon hates me. He said I used him and took his friends and that without him, I would have had nothing in Hawaii. He said I put him in a deeper depression for a second time and that he wants me to put his things in storage and give him his money back by the end of this month. I told him I was sorry, and that I didn't do this to hurt him. Simon, who i was with for only a month and half, said he was in love with me, and that I was a mistake and a whore for lying to him. I didn't lie to him, i just didn't tell him right away because I didn't want to hurt him.

Now, my problem is I am really sad that I hurt him. I cried and took all his painful words because to me, it was worth it for Justin and because I felt it was the least I could do for Simon to hear him out.

Now simon is threatening to call my mother and my sister to make sure I pay him by the end of the month. I'm a student, I don't work because I don't want school to be second and I don't know how to get rid of this guilt. I'm sad because I lost him as a friend. I'm sad because he's telling everyone that I used him and took his money... and he's telling people who don't even know my side of the story. He's making it seem like I cheated on him and betrayed him and some of the people I used to talk to, don't talk to me anymore because of him.

I was honest, I was upfront, and so was Jacob. Now Rachael is upset with me because of how heartbroken Simon is. I didnt know how severely heartbroken Simon is about this. Our mutual friends from PA think im a bitch and used him too, but i know that isn't the case...

but did im starting to question.. did i really use him? am i really a horrible person? Nobody cares to hear what happened in my end, and for some reason I'm getting more of the heat than Jacob is... why? I thought I did everything right.. It wasn't there for me for Simon and yes I fell in love with his best friend... am I really a whore? I planned a sunday event with all the friends i've been hanging out with and now that everyone knows about Jacob and me, they seem to be not as adamant about going to my early thanksgiving event. I hate that people are not looking to the entire story. All they see is me, breaking up with a wonderful guy, hurting him, using him, and then f*cking his best friend. It hurts.... I'm trying to be strong, and I stand by my choice of being with Jacob but I have a feeling that people who were talking to me before will now pretend that they're "cool" with me when they really are not.

I feel guilty for hurting him, but i followed my heart... but then why do I still feel so horrible like I really did mess everything up?

 

thank you for reading this long, very long thread....