UGH...a big fat ugh

[HeavenOrHell]

It's a good letter, the only bits I would leave out are;

 

>I know im supposed to look to my future but I want you in it. Sorry but thats true.

 

I know we can't but...well...i have to try. I have to. My heart hurts so much.<

 

And I would leave out the 'I'm sorry' after you say 'I want to try and make something new.'

 

I think you have nothing to lose by saying it.

I sent a long letter to my ex a few weeks after we split, not saying I wanted him back as that would have made him feel pressured, I just wanted to apologise and get across what he meant to me, mostly because he said he thought I'd be over him in 2 weeks. He was really touched by it.

 

 

 

ive written this email. someone tell me not to send it and why. it comes off needy right?

[McGrupp]

i have not been NC since the beginning. pretty much anything but. lets see breakup was beginning of sept. called her a week later and said happy bday, called her a week after that to meet up. she said she needed time. i blew up 10 days later. then apologized. she said she appreciated my apologies.

 

didnt talk for 25 days.broke NC and told her how i was. this is when she said she had to find herself.

 

then sent an email saying i was moving on. she sent back an email saying what we had was special and appreciates. then i sent a drunk text. talked to her on the phone on 15 days ago. apologized again. she said fine, whatever.

 

seemed like she was just getting tired of me. i should just move on. the hole is too deep. and im embarrassing myself

[HeavenOrHell]

If you're going to send it or say it, I would do it asap and get it done with, so that you know once and for all.

 

 

 

im thinking i send it after NYE. let the holidays ride without me in her life.

 

idk though. i believe i know her final answer but it would be nice to know and stop living on these breadcrumbs.

[stillafool]

I wouldn't send it if I were you. She has already told you (how many times?) that it is over and BTW, you have already gone your 'separate ways'. She may not even read the letter at this point. I'm saying that because that how I was when enough was enough already. I think the only thing you can do is move on and maybe in time the two of you may be able to talk.

[HeavenOrHell]

Which would you regret more, sending it or not sending it?

 

I know that if I had been pushing my ex and getting angry with since we split that it would push him further away I sent one angry text and even that pushed him away a bit.

 

 

i have not been NC since the beginning. pretty much anything but. lets see breakup was beginning of sept. called her a week later and said happy bday, called her a week after that to meet up. she said she needed time. i blew up 10 days later. then apologized. she said she appreciated my apologies.

 

didnt talk for 25 days.broke NC and told her how i was. this is when she said she had to find herself.

 

then sent an email saying i was moving on. she sent back an email saying what we had was special and appreciates. then i sent a drunk text. talked to her on the phone on 15 days ago. apologized again. she said fine, whatever.

 

seemed like she was just getting tired of me. i should just move on. the hole is too deep. and im embarrassing myself

[Edward10]

To be honest the letter is not going to go over well. Women don't respect men who write love letters (if they are broken up).

 

He needs right now to apologize to her. He wants to apologize and he won't rest until he does. It is just the way he is built. Fine.

 

I think there is some use to explaining to her the problems in the relationship (re communication) so that both work on fixing those in future relationships - if you are going to insist on doing the apology.

 

Plus he wants a last kick at the can. Here comes the ouch...

 

I think he needs to do this in person or over the phone. Letter is guaranteed failure (as a woman I guarantee it) it just becomes a trophy they show all their friends. Sorry, but true.

 

In person, he finds her beautiful, and it turns into a sh-tstorm every time he tries to talk serious with her - she shuts himi down.

 

Which goes back to their communication issues.

 

So here is the problem:

letter looks weak, trophy shown to friends

in person - she shuts him down always

on phone - can't see her face, but maybe the best of several crappy options

[McGrupp]

the whole thing is stupid.

 

really i have to just grow some balls, accept, and move on.

[Edward10]

the whole thing is stupid.

 

really i have to just grow some balls, accept, and move on.

 

 

 

yup

 

 

sorry

[GrayClouds]

McGrupp, ready for your slap? Tighten up those face muscles, here we go...

on one hand it boosts my confidence VS though inside im miserable.

on the other i dont really like her at all. i mean at all and I feel like she is stunting my moving forward, however thats probably all in my head.

 

 

How can someone who is depressed and only reminds you of an EX, who no longer wants to be with you, boosts your confidence? Why does it take a chick to build your confidence, is that not your job? And when this one walks away where does your confidence goes?

 

and really she just (bored and unfufilled)

Who does this remind you of? And how best to overcome this "syndrome"? Hanging out with some to distract you from it OR keep trying new things that interest you and work toward goals that will untimate find fulfilling?

 

yeah were are using each other. someone is going to get hurt.

And that person is? If it is you, where does that put you in your healing process? If it is her, how is that going to make you feel. confident, mature?

 

idk, my co-dependence is showing

"Ding Ding Ding, this man wins the prize!"

 

"What does he winnnnnnnnnn?"

 

"A fabulous set of rock hard balls that will give he the courage to stop doing unproductive, selfish, and ultimately hurtful things to himself and those around him. These vintage styled chestnuts comes from the strong but sensitive man collection and used Paul Newman in"Cool Hand Luke" and rumored to be used by Viggo Mortenson on "History of Violence". With proper care and polishing they will last a lifetime!

 

.

[Ms. Joolie]

i have not been NC since the beginning. pretty much anything but. lets see breakup was beginning of sept. called her a week later and said happy bday, called her a week after that to meet up. she said she needed time. i blew up 10 days later. then apologized. she said she appreciated my apologies.

 

didnt talk for 25 days.broke NC and told her how i was. this is when she said she had to find herself.

 

then sent an email saying i was moving on. she sent back an email saying what we had was special and appreciates. then i sent a drunk text. talked to her on the phone on 15 days ago. apologized again. she said fine, whatever.

 

seemed like she was just getting tired of me. i should just move on. the hole is too deep. and im embarrassing myself

 

How you have reacted seems completely normal considering you did not have an actual break up.

 

You deserve some answers. You are missing that conclusion, or that communication on her part. You need this. It would be for your sanity, and it would be the mature thing to address.

 

She seems so distant, or perhaps really not interested, or totally lacking respect in concluding this relationship or maybe terrible with communication. I don't know. But it just seems like you are trying to make up something that she is not giving you, something you need her to do.

 

She needs to turn around and address this with you, because you are having a hard time about it all. I'm sorry that it's come to this, and that you are embarrassing yourself over it. I see it as her fault that she has not addressed anything with you. Somehow you need to get your answer.

[HeavenOrHell]

My ex didn't show anyone the letter I sent him, it was far too personal and he's not that type of person, I wouldn't have been with him if he was. So I don't think you can judge what McGrupp's ex might do with the letter.

But yes talking to her might be the best thing anyway.

 

 

To be honest the letter is not going to go over well. Women don't respect men who write love letters (if they are broken up).

 

He needs right now to apologize to her. He wants to apologize and he won't rest until he does. It is just the way he is built. Fine.

 

I think there is some use to explaining to her the problems in the relationship (re communication) so that both work on fixing those in future relationships - if you are going to insist on doing the apology.

 

Plus he wants a last kick at the can. Here comes the ouch...

 

I think he needs to do this in person or over the phone. Letter is guaranteed failure (as a woman I guarantee it) it just becomes a trophy they show all their friends. Sorry, but true.

 

In person, he finds her beautiful, and it turns into a sh-tstorm every time he tries to talk serious with her - she shuts himi down.

 

Which goes back to their communication issues.

 

So here is the problem:

letter looks weak, trophy shown to friends

in person - she shuts him down always

on phone - can't see her face, but maybe the best of several crappy options

[sean1970]

 

 

"What does he winnnnnnnnnn?"

 

"A fabulous set of rock hard balls that will give he the courage to stop doing unproductive, selfish, and ultimately hurtful things to himself and those around him. These vintage styled chestnuts comes from the strong but sensitive man collection and used Paul Newman in"Cool Hand Luke" and rumored to be used by Viggo Mortenson on "History of Violence". With proper care and polishing they will last a lifetime!

 

Off the chart funny Gray... Please send that to neo as well...

[sean1970]

She needs to turn around and address this with you, because you are having a hard time about it all. I'm sorry that it's come to this, and that you are embarrassing yourself over it. I see it as her fault that she has not addressed anything with you. Somehow you need to get your answer.

 

I disagree. Our ex, doesn't owe us anything. It might be better to get but there is no breakup law that says they are required to do or say anything. If they are doing what they should be doing, what we should be doing, they are not wanting us to interfere in their life.

 

How many received this reply back:

 

"Please don't contact me anymore"

 

You ready for that?

[Ms. Joolie]

I disagree. Our ex, doesn't owe us anything. It might be better to get but there is no breakup law that says they are required to do or say anything. If they are doing what they should be doing, what we should be doing, they are not wanting us to interfere in their life.

 

You are right to point out that no one owes us anything. However, we should expect mature adult behavior from those around us. When that doesn't happen, we have to excuse it as immature and deal with that.

 

So my saying that she needs to address this with him, I say that she needs to do that as a mature adult.

 

 

How many received this reply back:

 

"Please don't contact me anymore"

 

You ready for that?

 

It would be rejection. And although a negative one, that would be more on an answer than what he has right now.

[sean1970]

 

However, we should expect mature adult behavior from those around us.

....

So my saying that she needs to address this with him, I say that she needs to do that as a mature adult.

 

Reminds me of what my Grandfather used to tell me:

 

'Wish' (expect in this case) in one hand, and sh*it in the other. Come back and tell me which one gets filled up first.'

[McGrupp]

almost want to call her, apologize and then ask strait up is there another chance for us?

 

but really if she wanted too she would be online/calling whatever.

 

not that i have given her any reason to besides acting like a vagina

[jlr]

I'd say if you feel you need to do it, then go ahead.

 

But be prepared. It could be brutal. Or just a big circle of nothing.

 

My experience:

 

I wrote my ex a letter early after we broke up apologizing and saying the same things you are. She cried. Thought it was the most touching thing I'd ever written to her, etc. So then, for like 6 months she was in a state of confusion, where I got used. We had sex, acted like a couple at times when we weren't, she said she still loved me. But she couldn't decide, and she spiraled into ****. When she couldn't decide what to do, she ran to someone else. We stopped talking.

 

Then, after a month or two, I wrote her a different kind of letter. I'd realized through all this that alot of the things she pinned on me, were problems she was having with herself. She was putting everything on me. I was allowing it. I called her out on lots of things she did wrong that she never could cop to, while I had taken all the blame, even for things that I know now weren't my fault.

 

Again, the letter hit her. She ended up calling. Her life was falling apart. She said I was right. She said she messed up. We spent weeks where she sounded like maybe she was realizing things. Then, she took the "nice person mask off" and is back to the same ****. The only thing that changed is that now when she wants me for emotional support, she knows how to lure me in by SAYING alot of ****. The only problem, well a BIG one, is that she doesn't DO anything about it. It's like she's gotten so comfortable in confusion, chaos, and using me, that she doesn't want to step out of it. Now I'm hurt all over again.

 

Ok, so that's the long version. My point is that it could even work, but it could also just be temporary. And then you could be back to square one.

 

Proceed with caution.

 

However, there's a few things I noticed in what you said that you need to work on. I did the same things, so I've been there. You don't need her to boost your confidence or complete you. You need to feel whole with you first. I'm working on that myself. And also, you want to apologize for alot of things. Some of them I'm sure are deserved, but watch out. In your sadness and lonliness you may be shooting apologies out in hopes to lure her back. When in reality, there's a good chunk of it that SHE needs to apologize for too.

 

Good luck buddy.

[McGrupp]

ugh, why cant i move on. ive been on here for 2+ months talking about the same ****.

 

NC anybody

[McGrupp]

i did send her a letter when it first went down. she said it made her sad and to give her some time.

 

i didnt. and then i blew up at her. and then well the door slammed shut imo.

 

suckx.

[GrayClouds]

almost want to call her, apologize and then ask strait up is there another chance for us?

 

but really if she wanted too she would be online/calling whatever.

 

not that i have given her any reason to besides acting like a vagina

 

And even if she said yes, how would things be different?

 

Because you have felt the pain of loss? Well the fact is once that pain subsided you be back to your old self because you have not really done anything to change. And pining for her does not count.

 

I will make you a deal. Stop pining, get on some anti-depressants, work at finding how to make you self-dependent for your happiness. Once completed, I will climb into a bi-wing Grumman Ag Cat ( I am from the midwest we use the plane for crop dusting. I know were to find one) fly to her house a spell out in smoke your unrelenting vows of love, if your still wanting to get back with her.

 

Shell we shake?

[McGrupp]

yes you're right.

 

im not healed. im not self-sufficient or happy with myself (as exemplified by using another)

 

i havent gotten over anything. and well, ....thats it

[Edward10]

And also, you want to apologize for alot of things. Some of them I'm sure are deserved, but watch out. In your sadness and lonliness you may be shooting apologies out in hopes to lure her back. When in reality, there's a good chunk of it that SHE needs to apologize for too.

 

Good luck buddy.

 

The way his engine is built he is taking 100% responsibility for failure of the relationship. Which he is trying to fix by apologizing for his 'failure".

 

It is all about self-hate. That is why you aren't healing.

 

If only you had been different in the relationship, then it all would have worked out. That is why you are on the merry-go-round.

 

If you loved yourself you would say, well I did my best (which was pretty damn good) and she isn't here beside me right now, so to hell with her.

 

The self-hate is what has you thinking just keep trying again, keep trying again, keep trying again.

 

Bottom line is - she left the building.

 

Love yourself, start moving foward. Success builds on success. That is the path to your salvation.

 

You are trapped in self-hate.

 

I'm no therapist, but it just seems so obvious to me.

[Ms. Joolie]

almost want to call her, apologize and then ask strait up is there another chance for us?

 

 

Exactly what you need to do, imo. Although you don't have to apologize like it's all your fault. Tell her that her "break" made you crazy. And you miss her, would like to see her again. "Is there another chance for us?"

[Ms. Joolie]

yes you're right.

 

im not healed. im not self-sufficient or happy with myself (as exemplified by using another)

 

i havent gotten over anything. and well, ....thats it

 

Don't feel bad about where you are at right now. You can still have a relationship, so long as you are working to improve yourself and keep your relationship in mind.

 

Don't ever tell yourself you are not good enough, or else you won't be good enough. None of us are good enough. lol. We just do the best we can.

[McGrupp]

Exactly what you need to do, imo. Although you don't have to apologize like it's all your fault. Tell her that her "break" made you crazy. And you miss her, would like to see her again. "Is there another chance for us?"

 

not sure about that.

 

could call her today (at 5 she drives from work to her rents about 2 hours away) and say hey, listen ive cleared my head. i made a lot of mistakes. we both did. you say your not sure about us but i need to know NOW if there is anything here waiting around for because i still do care.

 

i think this would help me. i think. although maybe im just buying into it because it gives me a shot of hope.

 

hmmm...

 

???

Edited November 20, 2009 by McGrupp