exposed via eavesdropping

[midori]

This has not been a good week for me.

 

The thing I particularly need to vent about has to do with this site specifically. I was briefly seeing someone a couple of months ago, a very nice guy who I like enormously as a person. I was rather surprised when he asked me out, as we'd been hanging out as friends for a while, and there was really no sign of physical chemistry between us -- none that I could discern, anyway. I had my doubts about starting to date him, because I was really afraid that the friendship would be adversely affected if things didn't work out. He assured me that he thought we could handle it maturely...

 

And as it happens it didn't work out. We're just not compatible in certain ways. We stopped seeing each other romantically more than a month ago, and I thought we were fine with each other as friends.

 

I posted some things about my experiences with this guy in response to another member's query about her own situation; there were some specific parallels that were quite relevant to the problem she was facing. Obviously I didn't go into great detail about my own situation, and I certainly didn't reveal anything about who I am, or who the guy in question was. The beauty of this site is its anonymity.

 

My identity on this site recently became known to this guy (a mistake that was entirely my own fault), and he came here and looked through my recent posts. He read what I'd written about our relationship in response to the other poster, and disliked what he read. He didn't tell me he had done this until I asked him why he was being so terse with me. He just fessed up to reading the post -- purely by accident, he claims, saying that he didn't know who "midori" at LoveShack was until he read that one post. I find that impossible to believe, frankly, but that's almost beside the point. He's ending our friendship on the basis of what he read, which was incidentally not at all an accurate description of how I see him overall, but simply what was relevant to the situation I was posting a reply to. The post wasn't about him, or my experience with him. My post was primarily about the woman who started the thread, with my experience with this guy thrown in as an example so she could see where I was coming from.

 

I don't expect anyone to have any answers. I've already let him know that I feel badly that he's been hurt, and that I am angry to have had my privacy violated like this. He was basically eavesdropping, not to mention taking something I said very much out of context. I will say that I rather feel that he has taken this opportunity to have a "vaild" reason for being upset with me -- so much for handling things maturely. I guess I'm sharing this with the community simply to express my outrage. Few people I know in real life know about my participation on this site. I'll have to think twice now before posting anything that pertains to my own life -- although to be honest if this guy continues to read my posts (which he claims he is not doing) it's not like he'll learn anything interesting about me.

 

It's hard to express just how upset I am about this. Man. It's also a little bit weird to think that someone would bother to look up my posts.

[Arabess]

Midori,

I don't know if you said anything real personal since I don't know what post you are referring to, but I sure can understand you being upset over it.

 

Then again, it's a relationship forum where you speak your piece. (no pun intended...LOL) If you have to tip-toe around what you are feeling at the time of the post.....then you wouldn't feel like you had the chance to share your feelings honestly or get them off of your chest.

 

I, on purpose, DON'T mention the name of this site to anyone I know for this same reason. IF they find it, and I even have my pic posted, well....what the hell???

 

I hope it doesn't injure your relationship with him. At least he DID care enough to read your stuff.....LOL!

 

Arabess

[midori]

Originally posted by Arabess

I hope it doesn't injure your relationship with him. At least he DID care enough to read your stuff.....LOL!

 

Unfortunately I think it has, although we could take this opportunity to discuss what went on (which we never did really) and perhaps come out of it with a better understanding, and I would hop appreciation, of each other. And you're right -- at least he did care enough to read the posts.

[jenny]

i would find this intolerable. it's possible i over-value privacy, but his actions would easily be grounds enough for me to amputate him. i think you are handling this remarkably well - this is one of the few things that would make me furious

[Arabess]

I don't know Jenny. If I was dating a guy and found out where he was posting....it would be IMPOSSIBLE for me not to check it out.

 

Midori accidentally let it slip....and he found this forum which happens to be public. He didn't go thru her computer searching to catch her in some big secret nor did he have to hack a pass word.

 

If anything, he's guilty of being nosey. Doesn't make him a bad guy....just kinda normal.

 

I know you feel strongly about the whole privacy thing Jenny....and I FEAR for the man who ever tries to jump into yours. LOL!!!!!

[midori]

You're right Arabess, it was my fault for letting it slip, and for failing to foresee that he would a) be curious enough to check out the site, and my posts in particular, and b) that he would read the one particular post that mentioned some things pertaining to our relationship. And I can understand the impulse. I believe there's a saying to the effect that "an eavesdropper hears no good of himself." And moreover, what I particularly object to is having something I said in a particular context held against me unfairly.

 

Well, I've put it to him that we can either discuss the things we never did and which have been raised by this episode, or we can let the friendship die because of it. It's up to him.

[Tony T]

I, too, and shocked, dismayed and angered. Of course, the ONLY way he could have ever discovered you here would have been for your to have given him the URL of the site. He could figure things out from there.

 

On the other hand, I think you are an outstanding lady of exceptional qualities and you deserve a man who is far more open-minded and understanding. I can't believe in a thousand years that you would want to have anything to do with a man who would give you grief from what he read on an Internet message board. If he hasn't got the depth of understanding and the plasticity of mind to be OK with your private expressions of whatever, then he not only doesn't deserve you but displays a clear incompatibility with your own basic philosophy.

 

I hear about negative things all the time that people say about me, yet I remain their friend. I even bring it up to them and laugh with them. I have learned that part of the human experience is having people...even your closest friends...talk meaningless shxt about you from time to time. I have learned also that if the wrong people get ahold of the wrong information, they will make a big deal of it where none is called for. They are NOT your friends and NOT worthy of your time and caring.

 

I understand exactly how you feel but I hope that you will grab yourself and ultimately breathe in a sigh of relief that you found out early that this guy, no matter how fond you are of him, is not of the mental or emotional calibre you would want in your life. If he had achieved your maturity, he would have reacted differently. I have to think this incident was of divine providence and that it was meant to happen. I think that's the case with all of these kinds of situations.

 

Being totally aware that you may have had strong feelings for this guy and those hard sometimes hard to shed regardless of the facts, I do know that in time you will see this was a good thing to happen. Mature people cut slack and overlook trivia. Your average Joe who's looking for problems and who hasn't achieved a more keen understanding of the dynamics of life will react just as he did.

 

Oh, well, maybe if you do get to talk to him about this...if he has the insight he will grow from it. However, it has been my experience in life that when people want to be angry, upset or pissed at somebody that's what they're going to do and they don't want it taken away from them. This guy was looking for something to get pissed about, I think.

[midori]

I won't go into exactly how I revealed my identity but it was absolutely inadvertent and did not entail giving him the URL to the site.

 

It's a tough situation but ultimately you're right: he can make this a big issue if he wants to, but only if he wants to. It's up to him.

[moimeme]

Midori

 

I totally, TOTALLY agree with Tony. I recall thinking that you've lately been posting more details than usual about your situation but nobody should hold what you say on an anonymous forum against you.

 

You said:

You're right Arabess, it was my fault for letting it slip, and for failing to foresee that he would a) be curious enough to check out the site, and my posts in particular, and b) that he would read the one particular post that mentioned some things pertaining to our relationship.

 

You were not at fault. You probably like him, trust him, and believe him to be reasonable and fair. To cut you off without allowing you to explain is neither reasonable nor fair. It would be a shame were you to lose a friendship you valued. He, of course, may have some deeper issues and what he read struck some chord - but even were that the case, he ought to give you the benefit of the doubt and discuss it with you without just cutting you off.