Upholding marital vows in an abusive marriage

[Divadove]

Hello Everyone, I have been married to my husband for 10 years. As soon as we got married he became verbally abusive towards me. He would constantly insult me about any and everything such as my career choice as a elementary teacher. He said it didn't pay enough. He would complain about my weight gain and our sex life during the pregnancies. He would complain that i didn't cook enough or clean enough or plant flowers outside. Nothing I did was good enough for him. It use to hurt my feelings but after a while I built up a resistance to it and it didn’t bother me. I knew that I was not fat, lazy, stupid, or any of those things. Once he could no longer upset me with verbal attacks, he became physically abusive towards me. It has happened three times within the last two years. The first time he pulled me by the hair and threw me on the floor. I called the police and he was taken to jail and made to attend 26 hours of anger management. He was very remorseful. He said he was disgusted with himself and begged me to take him back. One year later, he got upset because I was going out with my sister so he kicked me in the back as I was walking out the door. Once again he apologized and was very remorseful. The third time occurred earlier this month. He blamed me for not caring about the fact that he had lost his job and for not looking at his resume that he emailed me. It must have filtered into my junk mail because I never got it. Anyway, he took his frustrations out on me by hitting me in the face and head. He tried to smother me by pushing my face into the couch. He choked me until my neck was swollen. For some reason, he snapped out of it and stopped choking me. He left the house and went to spend the night in a hotel. He hasn’t been back since. I told him that if he tried to come back I would call the police. I told him I wanted a divorce. He is very remorseful and saying all the things he said before. My whole family is pressuring me to uphold my marital vows. They want me to give him another chance. They want me to stick by his side and allow him to get some help. My grandmother said that she wish she wasn’t around to witness this, she wish she was dead. My aunt says that if jesus had to suffer, who are we to complain? My mom says that we don't forgive, how can we expect jesus to forgive us. I am confused. I miss him too but I shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells in my own home. Home is supposed to be a safe place. I should not have to fight my husband. I have lost respect for him. This time apart has made me realize how much of a jerk he is. I don’t know what I ever saw in him in the first place. My kids are very sad and they miss him terribly. He has been a good father to our children and I hope he continues to be. I have made arrangements for them to see him on the weekends and they talk to him everyday. I told him i forgive him. But I can't forget. I think we should get a divorce. I don't know what else to do.

[Malenfant]

i cant believe your family want you to stay with this man.

it makes me so angry that a family who supposedly cares about you cares more about your 'vows' than about your own wellbeing and safety.

 

Pardon me saying this but your family are twisted and obviously dont live in the real world.

 

why on earth should a person put up with such behaviour?

 

What about your husband upholding his vows to honour and care for you?

 

I appreciate that vows are important, but your husband is a nasty piece of work, he obviously needs help but you have already given that to him, and he just continues to make your life a misery.

 

dont allow your decision to be swayed by your family. if you are living in fear then you must go.

 

It just makes me so angry to hear that a woman is being expected to put up with this total lack of respect from not just her husband but her family as well.

 

Your husband has had his chances. every time he is sorry..blah blah.

 

you know as well as I do that he will do it again, and it seems like each time it is worse than the time before.

 

a marriage does mean going through ups and downs together, but its just that..together.

you are suffering this on your own with no support from your family or your husband.

 

anyone who says that a person should stay with an abusive partner because of vows needs their head read.

vows are only valid as long as both parties still have love and respect for each other.

 

He is showing you no repsect, and its not just the violence, the mental abuse you suffered from the beginning is total justification for leaving on its own.

 

i really am so truely sorry that you are going through this, i wish i could help but all I can offer is my opinion.

*hugs*

[ADF]

Abusive people forfeit their right to ask you to honor your promises. Get out of this terrible relationship asap.

[LucreziaBorgia]

What kind of vows did your husband take? It doesn't sound like he is upholding any sort of reasonable ones. I can't believe that your family is like this. It makes me sad for you. I hope you get yourself away from him and the group of enablers that call themselves 'family'.

[deux ex machina]

It's a good thing you can now see the pattern.

 

No one lives your life, but you.

 

Get out. This will never get better.

[mem11363]

Your family is not taking your safety into consideration. Ever hear of 3 strikes and you are out? That was his 3rd strike.

 

 

Hello Everyone, I have been married to my husband for 10 years. As soon as we got married he became verbally abusive towards me. He would constantly insult me about any and everything such as my career choice as a elementary teacher. He said it didn't pay enough. He would complain about my weight gain and our sex life during the pregnancies. He would complain that i didn't cook enough or clean enough or plant flowers outside. Nothing I did was good enough for him. It use to hurt my feelings but after a while I built up a resistance to it and it didn’t bother me. I knew that I was not fat, lazy, stupid, or any of those things. Once he could no longer upset me with verbal attacks, he became physically abusive towards me. It has happened three times within the last two years. The first time he pulled me by the hair and threw me on the floor. I called the police and he was taken to jail and made to attend 26 hours of anger management. He was very remorseful. He said he was disgusted with himself and begged me to take him back. One year later, he got upset because I was going out with my sister so he kicked me in the back as I was walking out the door. Once again he apologized and was very remorseful. The third time occurred earlier this month. He blamed me for not caring about the fact that he had lost his job and for not looking at his resume that he emailed me. It must have filtered into my junk mail because I never got it. Anyway, he took his frustrations out on me by hitting me in the face and head. He tried to smother me by pushing my face into the couch. He choked me until my neck was swollen. For some reason, he snapped out of it and stopped choking me. He left the house and went to spend the night in a hotel. He hasn’t been back since. I told him that if he tried to come back I would call the police. I told him I wanted a divorce. He is very remorseful and saying all the things he said before. My whole family is pressuring me to uphold my marital vows. They want me to give him another chance. They want me to stick by his side and allow him to get some help. My grandmother said that she wish she wasn’t around to witness this, she wish she was dead. My aunt says that if jesus had to suffer, who are we to complain? My mom says that we don't forgive, how can we expect jesus to forgive us. I am confused. I miss him too but I shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells in my own home. Home is supposed to be a safe place. I should not have to fight my husband. I have lost respect for him. This time apart has made me realize how much of a jerk he is. I don’t know what I ever saw in him in the first place. My kids are very sad and they miss him terribly. He has been a good father to our children and I hope he continues to be. I have made arrangements for them to see him on the weekends and they talk to him everyday. I told him i forgive him. But I can't forget. I think we should get a divorce. I don't know what else to do.

[dashing daisy]

Your family wants you to stick by his side until he kills you? I'm sorry your family thinks this way, I honestly can't understand why they are pressuring you to put yourself in an extremely dangerous situation. Do not let them sway you into letting him back in your life.

 

He choked you until your neck was swollen. I'm glad that he somehow made himself stop, but he could have killed you. Your family's opinions (wrong as they may be) is not worth risking your life. Staying with him would be risking your life. He apologizes every time, seems sincere, but next time he hurts you worse.

 

Get the divorce, and make sure you stay safe. Follow through on your threat of calling the police if he comes back. He's dangerous.

[saams]

Woaw.. Sorry to say but your family really fails at every single level of supporting you.

 

What you should do is hire someone to kick hes ass really bad, he'll think twice before trying **** like that with you again.

i know people in here will disagree but it will work

[stillafool]

You might remind your family that the bible says if your right eye offends you pluck it out. Don't listen to your family. They sound like they love him more than you. You did the right thing by moving you and your kids away from him.

[quankanne]

ideally, yeah, you'd want to stick it out, but realistically, the violence against you is escalating, and you – thank God in heaven for this – understand that you must get out before it becomes fatal.

 

as for breaking your marriage vows? In this kind of a situation, your safety (and the kids') is paramount, not living up to expectations of people who are NOT living out your particular situation.

 

I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself, because I know how difficult it is for a woman in an abusive situation to walk away on her own volition. Many choose to stay because they don't believe they can live outside a marriage; this is deadly thinking, IMO, because statistics say that one out of every seven individuals in an abusive relationship gets out via a bodybag.

 

if your family isn't giving you the support you need or want, keep them out of the loop and start talking with folks who can offer you that support. They're out there and are willing to help.

 

hugs,

q

[theBrokenMuse]

I'm sorry your family has allowed religious rhetoric to cloud their judgment. You can forgive from a distance but forgiveness does not mean allowing someone to continuously harm you. Does your family realize that he might just kill you next time? Do they really think it's good to tell someone to place themselves in a dangerous situation where they are at the mercy of a violent person in order to make the Church happy? I am sorry but even having a very religious family myself I still can't grasp this toxic level of blind obedience to dogma. Its quite sick.

[sugarmomma]

You have to know that you do not deserve to be abused. He is a very unstable person and I would not allow him to be around my children. It is only a matter of time before he is taking out his anger on them. Pleas eget help. Nowhere in the bible does it say a woman has to stay with an abuseive man.

[klienepueppchen]

honey, I am in a marriage with an abusive partner. unfortunately, i cannot get out. I have lots of twisted reasons. but the last time he choked me, i thought i was going to die. my little daughter was there crying and she did not know what was happening. and while the monster was choking me, i was only yearning that she should be ok. there will not be a next time for me, i have ensured that. as for you, i can only tell, that when you die (at his hands) then your family will mourn of you.. and your children would be devatated. So may be they will be sad that you left their father, but they will be devastated when you wont be there anymore. it will be your loss, and your children's loss. As much as i want to tell you that he will change, he will not. and as much as you think that he will not kill you, if he could have held that temper, you wouldnt be writing.

[Lishy]

yes you can get out Kli and you can never guarantee that he will never do it again! Your advice was totally contradictary ... you should practise what you preach!

 

And OP, get the hell away! Your family are selfish and self indulgent and you need to get you and the kids away and fast!

[Eve]

Please get support in real life to make a plan to leave/protect yourself. Your kids are your family now. I wish I could have come around and sorted this guy out for you. I would have kicked him in his balls.

 

As for the Christian thing.. methinks the vow thing is binding to those who are actually following Christ, not actively beating their wives. So, I do believe that people can work through things in many circumstances but not if you are a punching bag.

 

He is not even trying!

 

*Hugs*

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Des]

Wow. I really can't even begin to understand how you could miss or have any feelings for someone who tried to choke you out. It sounds like he's getting worse about it, not better. He sounds very dangerous, and I wouldn't put it past him killing you one day if this keeps up.

 

It's easy for everyone else to tell you to tough it out, but for your own physical and psychological well being, I think you should leave. Forgive him, and then get the hell away from him!

[WalkInThePark]

Anyway, he took his frustrations out on me by hitting me in the face and head. He tried to smother me by pushing my face into the couch. He choked me until my neck was swollen. For some reason, he snapped out of it and stopped choking me. He left the house and went to spend the night in a hotel. He hasn’t been back since. I told him that if he tried to come back I would call the police.

 

You should already have gone to the police after he tried choking you. I mean, that is attempted murder. But I understand that there comes a point where you are so numb and afraid that you don't have the energy to do that.

 

Please do not listen to the religious crap of your family. Vows need to be respected by both parties. If he beats you up, then the vows have no meaning anymore. Your family probably thinks this is somehow your fault. It is not!!!

 

Read: "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. That book explains you exactly what these guys are thinking.

[Xochitl]

I've been in your situation myself. It's incredible how people can blame the woman when she's beaten up by boyfriend/husband. I not only didn't get support from my family but also had his sister calling me a slut and "friends" telling me I should have known better and that there was something wrong with me to begin with because I chose him.

I chose to end the relationship (only after getting beaten up several times though, however in my experience, once it's happened, it will only get worse, nevermind tearful apologies the next day and the earlier you can leave him the better for your health and that of your children too). Now, five years later, I am happy and relieved that I had the courage to take action and in fact I'm not sure if I'd be alive today, had I not done so.

I don't know if you agree or not but I at least totally understand how one would love a man who beats you. It's because that is not what he's like 95% of the time. At least my partner was super-loving and told me I was the best thing ever, most of the time. However, when I wasn't, I was stupid (I hadnt been to university and he had), slutty (because some guy looked at me, I was slutty! Yeah that makes sense...), crazy (because I dared to yell and cry when he hit me!) etc etc etc. You've just got to love yourself better. After all, you are God's creation too, and Christianity says he loves you. Who would want you to stay with someone who endangers your life if they loved you?

By the way, I don't know about your situation that much, but judging from my experience, keep your contact with your ex to a minimum and apply for divorce as soon as you can, to get it over with and to move on. Make sure he can't follow you around or ideally doesn't know where you live (I'm sure he can meet your children somewhere neutral and doesn't have to know that, so if at all possible, i'd say you should move house). My ex at least continued to get violent afterwards, even more so to punish me for leaving him. Please take good care of yourself!

Also, what happened to me at least was that after a while I started getting really lonely and miss him and it was a battle to stay clear of him, but then meeting him was both agonising and dangerous.

Best of luck!