my mom wants only the worst for me

[xoxo88]

My mom and i never really got along. She never cared about what i wanted, it always was more important to her what her friends thought or what she wanted. Ever since i was little she just killed my every single dream or little wish, starting with my dream of starting a certain sport and ending with weekends when there was something important on tv and she took me in a stupid family gettaway instead where we pretended to be a happy family. I'm 20 now and she keeps controlling my life as is i was a kid. About 6 months ago she forced me to go in a family weekend and made a tremendous scandal because i didn't want to go and i finally went. Ever since i secretely despise her and it's so hard to me to even look at her without repulsing her. I don't have a job and i can't afford to move out, but living with my parents is like living in a prison. I don't know what to tell her to make her realize i will never forgive her for what she did that weekend and i don't want her meddling in my life anymore. She's just a burden. I'm thinking she's either the most selfish person in this world or she has a mental illnes which keeps her from seeing the truth: I'm not a kid!!! Any suggestions?

[Ronni_W]

Hugs.

It's very difficult to transform our relationships with our parents from "child-parent" to "adult-adult".

 

Here are a few books that may be of interest/help. I'd suggest that you check the customer reviews at amazon.com, and then decide how well the books fit with what you need/want to learn; then you could get those that look most promising from the library.

 

~ 'Trapped In The Mirror' by Elan Golomb (dealing with anger and resentment towards a narcissistic mother)

~ 'Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin; How to Recognize and Set Healthy Boundaries' by Anne Katherine

~ 'Where To Draw The Line: How To Set Healthy Boundaries Everyday' also by Anne Katherine

 

There are tons of different books, those are just the ones with which I am most familiar.

Best of luck.

[Sweetcheripie]

Ronni made some good suggestions on books to read.

 

I would also suggest pounding the pavement and finding a job. Truly believe you must get out on your own to change the parent/child dynamic. One of my son's friends starting making this awesome banana bread and handing it out to the boys after football practice. (1) She is adorable (2) football boys after practice think any food is the BEST food they ever had.... Turned it in to a business - she is doing great! Started selling at the games, then local stores....

 

There is a lot of seasonal help being hired right now too.

 

So find something anything and pay your way out of home. Independence and relying on yourself will definitely help you.

[Devil Inside]

You are experiencing something that everybody struggles with...transforming your child parent relationship into an adult child parent relationship. There are going to be some growing pains.

 

I understand the dynamic well. I am a family therapist and a son of a guilt inducing mother and domineering father. He too used to make me go to things I didn't want to go to.

 

A couple of things jump out at me. Where is your father in this? Can you talk to him and let you know how you. Maybe he can support you in setting some boundaries with your mother. Of course sounds like she may not have anyone setting boundaries on her if she is so reactive.

 

Either way you are going to have to set some boundaries with her. We can't change other people, but we can change how we react to them.

 

I also agree with cheri that it would benefit you to look for a job. Start focusing on the tasks that will allow you to be independent of your parents. As long as you live under her roof and she supports you there will be these invisible strings of obligations. You can't changer her behavior, but you can put yourself in a situation where you don't have to depends on her...and having your own place would be a much more effective way of getting space and allow you to set boundaries.

 

Good luck...keep us posted.