Best Friends and Blow Jobs

[AppleGirl]

I have been friends with my very best friend for 26 years, since we were little kids.

 

She has recently been having a lot of marital troubles and has been coming over to my house waaaay more than she ever has. The problem is her husband won't put out anymore, is distant, they fight alot and he spends a lot of time on the computer and away from the home.

 

I think he's having an affair and have said as much, but she thinks that I'm wrong.

 

My problem is with my boyfriend. He has told me on numerous occasions that my friend is "attractive" or "cute". Okay, fine.

 

Whenever my friend comes over, he makes it a point to hang around the entire time. He makes conversation, plays with her 6 month old baby, flirts, etc.

 

Last night, my best friend made a comment to him about how I have recently got braces put on my teeth and how could I still give him a blowjob and he went on in detail to tell her how he liked his c@ck sucked. I just sat there like someone sucker punched me.

 

I mean, SHE is supposed to be my best friend and HE is supposed to be my boyfriend.

 

After she left, we got into a huge fight. He thinks he did nothing wrong by answering her question. I am furious at her for even asking and furious at him for providing so much detail.

 

I would never have such disrespect towards him to talk about how I like my twat licked with his best friend. It just seems so disrespectful and I half wonder if anything is going on between the two of them.

 

He said I am just being totally insecure.

 

Am I?

[Malenfant]

can i just say, your use of the word 'twat' in its context was rather amusing. i'm guessing you're british?

 

anyway, i think the real issue here isn't with the blow job talk, but rather that you're somewhat annoyed that your BF likes her.

 

The convo in itself is probably harmless, i have had candid conversations about such things as I assume lots of people do, but if he had been discussing it with someone you know he didnt like, it probably wouldnt have annoyed you half as much.

 

because your friend is unhappy with her relationship ATM, she's probably finding the male attentionfrom your BF rather attractive. not an indication that there is anything going on the necessarily.

 

However, the longer she is unhappy, there is a chance (albeit a small one) that she may make some sort of pass at your guy at some point. maybe when drunk or something like that, probably just for some attention.

I suppose it depends on whether you trust her or not.

 

you did say you are very best friends, but the fact that you are even considering that there is something going on makes me think that maybe you dont trust her 100%

[EarthGirl]

hey AppleGirl,

 

I have to say I am appalled at this story..I can't believe your so called friend and boyfriend would talk about that right in front of you...that is definitely "unacceptable" as the Supernanny would say. were they at all drunk at the time? not that that is an excuse at all...but well I don't drink but I heard that it can severely impare judgement and although some people say that's when the true feelings come out many others say that they do and say things that they don't even mean at all or even the exact opposite of what they mean and things just happen when your body and mind are compromised and not in their true state.

 

well I will give you a summary of my own story or a small part of it pertaining to this post if it means anything to your own situation....

 

My ex was friends with this guy...well it's a long story, I actually knew this friend existed before I knew he did...I had met him just a few times through my sister when she danced (she's a prof dancer) at a theater that he did plays at (an actor in his spare time besides going to college part time)..but really this was some random person to my sis and me, although I went to see one play he was in, and I was very impressed..and I have to admit I thought he was very cute...but so did all the other girls in the audience, he had quite a few "groupies" in this small theater group. Then later I met and fell in love with my ex and only like a year later found out that my ex was best buds with this theater guy..small world.

 

well the first time i met him (the friend) I admit I was kind of nervous and thought he was very attractive for a few minutes...however as we all chatted more I got more and more relaxed....not in the you're getting to know someone you have a crush on way so your more relaxed...but in the way that if you really have real feeling for someone or even just a crush you tend to get more and more butterflies as you talk more while at the same time becoming more relaxed and open. But with him I just felt more relaxed and it was not like I was not wowed by him as a person or artist anymore, I was, but I was not as wowed as I was expecting in a personal way.

 

Basically i discovered that I was just star struck for a few moments, which was natural I've gotten these "talent" crushes on people my whole life (ever seen the old Conan O'briens about that)..I swear even relatives that I obviously have no sexual/romantic feelings for (including my bro and sis who I admire very much) and in fact many women even though I am a straight and I do admit "bi-curious" woman, I have gotten these "talent" crushes on attractive and usually artistically talented (although sometimes it is talented in another way like smart academically or whatever) on women who are not really the type of women I would be "curious" about even if they are very beautiful, and I actually have more of quite plain old platonic feelings of friendship or familial type feelings for them, but on another level I have been a little star struck and admiring of their beauty, talent, etc.

 

...this goes back to when I was a kid, and has not always been really actors on stage or anything...But I have always seemed to be surrounded by talented people (kind of frustrating when I myself have always wanted to be an artist of some sort and have struggled very much with getting out of my shell, hurtful sometimes, but all in all a great blessing ),wether it be relatives or people in my circle of friends or my sister's or brothers or mom's...not necessarily world renowned names (but perhaps, but I won't name drop, lol), maybe starving artists but that are talented enough to get some recognition if they were lucky and put their mind to it. ; ) (the wink is in reference to my earlier post today in another thread)

 

so anyway to continue the story...It's also that I just honestly have not spent that much time around "cute guys' in my life...I've been such a wallflower and isolated that I get nervous for a moment even if the guy albeit cute, is not really my "type" at all physically or emotionally. Anyway one night which was after I met this guy and found him to be a great guy but was not really attracted to him at all like I honestly had worried I might be...he IMed me online ...well it just so happens that like many a night, this particular night, my ex had said some really really horrible things to me and I was completely devastated.

 

I know it was so wrong to do this, but I flirted with him for oh, a half hour or so, talking back and forth...And truly I KNEW in my heart and actually a little more conciously than that, that I was only doing it to make my ex jealous...because I knew he would find out and i knew that it would hurt him even more if I was flirting with someone that was a really good friend of his.

 

I also got the sneaky suspicion that the friend was also playing the same game...either trying to make some girl that meant a lot more to him than me jealous, or possibly trying to hurt my ex. He can be kind of abrasive at times, though it's possible that although I am still very hurt that I could admit that most of the time he has good intentions..but nevertheless he can hurt people easily and badly, even people that are really important to him supposedly. With these guys it's like one minute they are best buds, "brothers" closer than blood ones they swear, and the next you know actors can be dramatic and someone hurts someone and then someone has to get back and someone before they finally get it out of their system and go back to being friends forever, no woman and no anything can ever come between them kind of thing. I have no idea what happened between them, it's possibly my ex didn't even do anything wrong and he wasn't the problem, but for some reason the friend thought it a good idea to hit on me relentlessly.

[Ody]

It sounds like he might be fantasizing about a threesome. Not trying to be flippant. Since it sounds like a clearly unwelcome suggestion on his part, it's not really appropriate.

 

Not sure how your argument went. You should probably tell him again, calmly and very careful to not have an argument, that this is making you uncomfortable and ask him to stop. If he's classy he'll stop. You might need to give a little time to let the argument touchiness wear off. Good luck.

[Ms. Joolie]

It sounds like heavy flirting to me. For your GF talking about blowjobs, and your boyfriend to be more than ready to add to that.... tells me just how seriously they are flirting with each other.

 

And a boyfriend talking about how he likes his blowjobs? I can't imagine a decent man talking about blowjobs like that to anyone but his GF, and on a need to know basis.

 

You were right to get angry. There is something weird going on. I don't think you should invite your GF over for a while, and just see how that goes. See how they react, then address it from there.

 

Or tell her right out your concern, she is your friend, right? Address this with her and listen to what she has to say about it.

[EarthGirl]

so to finish the story...talked to him for about a half hour...well maybe a little more, no more than an hour and I made up an excuse to get offline..and that was the first and last time that happened...All I really felt was kind of deflated because I met my ex online (well no that's not true, in person first, the "love at first site" legendary meeting, bla bla bla...but fell in love and really got to knw eachother online, primarly IMing) and I started getting flashbacks to that time and the good feelings..and in comparison this chatting just felt...empty...I think because we just don't have that kind of connection...Honestly I do really like the friend as a person but I think we have more of a platonic (I was hoping if it worked out with my ex more of a bro/sis connection like they have a brother like connection, but since it didn't work out and honestly this guy (the friend-not my ex) kinda ended up pissing me off, I'm not sure that'll ever happen) connection, so it just felt kinda wrong, incestuous maybe..but mostly just , yeah ..empty. I think it we had just talked as friends and not done all the flirting and hinting that was obviously coming from a place of falseness, we might have gotten along in the end a lot better and it would have been much more pleasant and fulfilling conversation...but oh well.

 

Anyway this is getting long...the way it ties into your situation is that I later on met this girl who was involved with singing for one of my sis's dance shows and also knew the friend through the theater group. Actually and this is an even smaller world, I had heard her sing at shows a few times before and was incredibly impressed. Well one day oh a few months after the empty conversation a rumor got back to me that those two (the singer and the friend of my ex) were involved at one time and they were on and off...well around the time I talked to him...I had of course absolutely no way of knowing or finding out if they had been offically "on" on the night I talked to him.

 

I felt pretty bad about it because I felt a kind of kinship to her before that and then even more because I realized that maybe he was kind of treating her badly the way my ex had been treating me and it hurts to love someone that much and for them to just dismiss your worth in all those little and big ways... And he was actually USING ME to do that...so I felt bad about it.

 

But you know in the end it was not really that big a deal...I certainly never would have slept with him or even kissed him if we were in the same room in real life talking...even if I had not known about her and him, I just don't do that with anybody I don't have very strong feelings for, I'm just not even capable of it, and besides the initial star struckness and cuteness, it just...would never have happened in any universe in a million years. But certainly AFTER I found out about them,I never would even think about it.

 

Thinking about it after reading your post...I really should email her..I've had her email for like the past year..we had just started to get to know eacother, and it was the kind of thing that happens especially with women I think when you just seem to "click" and you could see this person being a sister like figure to you and best friend, but you don't want to push too fast or jinx it..But then we lost touch and i may have contacted her again except I heard about those two being involved and I felt bad about the one night of stupid IMing.

 

I just...i had this issue with my ex about the friend and actually a few other friends...being that I had seen them in a few plays when i visited my sis in NYC and I actually you know, knew these people existed before I knew HE existed (at least in my conscious mind, once upon a dream, yadda yadda withstanding, if you believe in that sort of thing)..I did not KNOW them personally ...just admired the talent from afar like I have admired so many people that are my faves, but it's quite a long, extensive list by now, although I am somewhat picky...but it's like..he could not understand from his own perspective which was different being that he had been friends with them for like 20 years and it was a huge betrayal yadda yadda...he could not understand that i might have a DIFFERENT perspective that when I became a little groupie for a whole month a few years ago and admired some people for their talent and even their attractiveness, I had NO idea WHATSOEVER at the time that someday just a few years later I would meet and fall head over heels with a guy equally attractive (more so actually to me) that was like a part of the 3 (or 4 or whatever) musketeers with them.

 

And it's the same with this girl who maybe could have become a close friend to me...she is an extremely smart girl, but I don't think she coud understand coming from an emotional place(she did write to me a few times about the whole thing and then went silent) that I have a different perspective that I did not see this small world thing coming and was just you know being a girl like everybody else. And flirting for a half hour one night by instant message to get back at someone who hurt me very badly (I admit though that it was totally wrong and a bad decision ANYWAY) before I even KNEW that they were an item..is a long way from sleeping with the guy she loves..And being an groupie of a small off broadway theater company for a month and admiring some cute, charming and talented guys..is a long long way from having real feelings for someone that make your heart beat deeper and give you those much desired butterflies that last for more than five minutes. And I think that is where the problem lies that she was hurt, but hopefully I can make her understand and ask her to extend me the same courtesy I asked of my ex (not that he granted that to me but he did not grant me a lot of things) of looking at things from a different perspective.

 

Yeah so thank you for posing this post cause it made me think, and I know my posts have been incredibly long and no one here probably cares much, but I'll copy and paste a few sections to send her in the email so I don't have to do this all over again.

Edited November 20, 2009 by EarthGirl

[EarthGirl]

I mean....butterflies when it's true love or even just a "crush" ..you tend to get more and more of them or at least they continue steadily. I mean after 10 years or so they say the "spark" can go out or at least dim..but the point is I think this guy used my little 5 minute and then deflated butterflies against his girl ....I do wholeheartedly believe that if he had any butterflies for me they were even less remarkable, but I hate to say it but I saw some of the same kind of game playing in him that I have seen in my ex...I felt...I don't know how to explain it, but I could see it...that all the emails he wrote me (which I all deleted and have stopped a while ago, but when he wrote the shakespeare esque sonnets, I could tell that although quite poetic they were not from the heart, and the ones that were, that seemed more "special" (i am a poet myself-so I can just tell) seemed not to be directed at ME, but somehow at someone else).

 

And I kind of believe he used that moment I just gave him a compliment when I met him, and then later the ill advised IMing..and me being a somewhat attractive woman (if I do say so myself) as just a kind of random thing to grab on to hurt the woman he actually cared about in a much deeper and different way. He knew she would hear about it and be jealous and hurt even though there was nothing to be jealous about..but he of course did not want her to know that part. I know it sounds counterintuitive, but most of us know that men actually do do these things..they may not even know why themselves.

 

As much as there are books out like "he's just not that into you" and bla bla bla ..come on we have had enough experiences that we have shared with our sisters, our friends, our mothers, our aunts (and we don't tend to exaggerate quite as much as men, lol)...not to be a misandrist, AND not to sound that I am so conceited that any guy I love just has to have a psychological problem if he decides he does not love me as much or chooses someone else or insults me or lies to me or treats me badly... I SWEAR I'm not that...I LOVE men and I think they are just as wonderful human beings as women..different but equal, and all is fair in love and war, and there is no real evil "boys will be boys" inherently in men in general (except for the rapists, murderes etc. maybe)..But there really is an inherent..confusion...sometimes that does not effect women quite as often (some though it does)..yeah, we have our own kinds of confusion.

[jerseyboy]

I kind of agree with Malenfant about your friends motivation.

 

I dont think anything has transpired between them physically either as of that meeting. If there were she likely wouldnt have broached that kind of topic around you the way she did.

 

But she certainly knows she was being flirty with him, and right in front of you to add insult to injury.

 

I also find misery loves company. It might be eating at her knowing youre happy and she isnt.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I believe that there are far too many variables in this for us outsiders to be able to offer a fair critique of what was wrong in this picture.

 

 

It would almost take a psychological life-summary for each of you for a true outsider to clearly understand from where this little scenario evolved.

 

 

Beyond that, it would have probably been the best move, on your part, to have completely ignored the exchange from the moment it was finally, and mercifully over.

 

Hopefully the fact that they were so anything-but-hush-hush about such an inappropriate topic, assures you that the two of them aren't doing-it with one another.

 

Once you've established that, most of the rest doesn't matter as much.

[StalledGirl]

Call me old fashioned but if my partner started talking about how he likes to be sucked with my best friend i'd be livid!

I do have two questions though. Why did you allow the conversation to become so graphic?

The longer you sat there , the more they probably felt like it was ok.

Did you feel slightly turned on or something?

I remember feeling awful when my then boyf made a remark about his female friend's bum in front of me , and that was just a joke! If she would have discussed his blow job preferences I would have been tempted to throw spam at her and twist his balls.

Just flip/reverse it and ask him how he'd feel if you had the same conversation with his male friend/brother/colleague

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I would have been tempted to throw spam at her

 

That is so hot!

 

 

(and I'm guessing it isn't the kind that always mentions 'viagra' either)

[JerseyShortie]

Well, they both clearly crossed your personal boundries. I think you should tell your best friend clearly what your personal boundries are so that another situation doesn't occur. And I think you also need to tell your man, what you told us. How would he feel if you went into detail about how you like oral to his best friend. Put in that perspective, he might have a different view on it.

[freestyle]

I think your friend was extremely out of line to even bring up the topic

of bj's with your bf. I don't like that way she started it by insinuating

that you might not be able to perform because of your braces.

 

the subtext says that you're inadequate, but she isn't. Almost as if she's

competing with you......................

 

And your bf took the bait.........and escalated everything with his response.

 

 

I would keep my eyes wide open for a long time.I hate to say it, but affairs between spouses or SO's, and the best friend of the partner are rather common. Hopefully that's not the case here, I'd recommend keeping your guard up all the same.

 

If this happened with my bf, and my best friend, I would have read them both the Riot Act.

[Devil Inside]

Well, they both clearly crossed your personal boundries. I think you should tell your best friend clearly what your personal boundries are so that another situation doesn't occur. And I think you also need to tell your man, what you told us. How would he feel if you went into detail about how you like oral to his best friend. Put in that perspective, he might have a different view on it.

 

Exactly. What we think is appropriate or not is not the issue...it's about what you are ok with. Let both of them know you were not ok with this. If it continues...then you have a real problem.

[AppleGirl]

Unfortunately, I did ask my bf how he would feel if the roles were reversed and he said he saw no problem with it. He is not bothered by a lot and is pretty secure in the fact that I am not going to leave him. He and I come from VERY different backgrounds and sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to accept the differences.

 

He has lived a rock and roll life and has hung around with some pretty unsavory characters. We're talking drugs, drinking, guitars, tattoos, piercings, heavy metal, touring, strip clubs, porn...kind of an "anything goes" type of crowd. He has been in a band since he was in high school and his life has just been very different than mine.

 

I remember him telling me a story about this one friend of his that had a photo album on his coffee table of naked pictures of his wife...for everyone to just "look at".

 

I have been appalled more than once at different stories he has told me.

 

So, to him, this conversation with my best friend was "no big deal" but to me it meant something much more.

 

I really agree with the poster who said that it was almost like my friend was insinuating that I was incapable now that I had braces but that she was quite able. She has made other "put down" remarks about me in front of him before too.

 

I don't know if it's an attempt to boost her self esteem since she is having marital troubles or if she actually wants my boyfriend.

 

I do know that I am still pissed and haven't spoken to her since. I felt it was out of line. I can't even imagine saying such a thing to any of my friend's boyfriends. It's just so inappropriate.

[EarthGirl]

yeah that is pretty awful Apple...I just don't think that that behavior falls under the heading of "friend"..This is not something I could EVER think of doing to a friend of mine or really anyone else for that matter. And I am not a saint I have made my mistakes for sure and not always been nice , but we're just talking basic humanity and courtesy and respect here.

 

Being a person who has come from emotionally abusive parents where the whole name of the game is "putting down" ..making to feel "less than"...etc. That's basically the only goal, real simple..Friends are not like parents in that you actually get to CHOOSE them and ideally they should build you up , not try to bring you down (although we can't be perfect 100% of the time). I personally worship all of my friends and try to let them know how awesome I really think they are, nor do I go around offering blow jobs to their boyfriends...that's pretty low.

[Ms. Joolie]

I do know that I am still pissed and haven't spoken to her since. I felt it was out of line. I can't even imagine saying such a thing to any of my friend's boyfriends. It's just so inappropriate.

 

Have you spoken to her yet?? If you don't, it can only get worse from there.

[ADF]

You are not being insecure. Your BF is clearly hitting on your friend. Their behavior is totally inappropriate.