MW Therapy, what to expect?

[friend]

Hello all,

 

I am currently the OM, have been for about 1 1/2 years. My MW has been seeing a therapist to help her leave her husband for about 4 months now. She tells me she doesnt love him and wants out but that she needed help on how to break things off since they have been married for 4 years.

 

Recently there was a community service event that i really wanted to go to and i asked her if she could go but said she couldnt get out of the house. Today i found out that she went...but with her husband. I am very upset at this. Could it be that she is seeing the therapist to make things better with her husband and leaving me in the dark? How am i supposed to know that she is seeing the therapist to leave him? in the 4 months i really havent seen any changes with her marriage. She still lives with him, goes home to him, goes home after work at the same time, etc. Wouldnt a therapist try to get her to distance herself from him by now? Do therapist give them steps and things to do to try to leave a marriage? like leave the house more on the weekends etc? I am just confused and not sure what to do.

 

Any help or info would be great. Thank you very much.

[jennie-jennie]

I am just reading a book about therapy for people in affairs. It talks about how therapy is for helping the MP get in touch with their own emotions and voicing them. Perhaps there are issues your MW needs to face first before she can decide whether she wants to leave her marriage or not.

 

I am a little concerned about how honest your communication is. Why did your MW lie to you instead of simply telling you she was going to the event with her husband? If I were you, I would talk to her about this.

 

Unfortunately it seems like it is long time work for the MP to see a therapist. It is not as simple as deciding which person to be with. You probably need to give your MW time. I can tell you, I would be overjoyed if my MM was going to therapy at all. That is a big step in itself.

[Snowflower]

Wouldnt a therapist try to get her to distance herself from him by now? Do therapist give them steps and things to do to try to leave a marriage? like leave the house more on the weekends etc? I am just confused and not sure what to do.

 

Any help or info would be great. Thank you very much.

 

A competent therapist is simply an objective sounding board for their patient. They do not recommend plans of action like you mention above such as steps to leave the marriage or whatever. Those decisions are up to the patient and then the therapist will give objective feedback while not telling their patient WHAT to do.

[whichwayisup]

in the 4 months i really havent seen any changes with her marriage

 

Hate to say it, but the chances of her really leaving are slim to none. My wild guess is, she wants to leave, in some form, but hasn't got the nerve to, has gotten used to having two men in her life to fulfill all her needs.. She will continue the A with you, if you allow it and stay married because she doesn't want to give up what she has - A husband, the house, the life they live, their friends, family, inlaws, her daily routine. She's comfortable and happy enough with the status quo.

 

Do some reading in this section, you'll see how similar your situation is to others.

 

For your own sanity, back off and live your life without her in it. Rely on others, spend time with family and friends. Stop having sex with her, stop the A. Completely. Let her know that you no longer want to 'wait it out' and that you are going to live your life since she is doing the same with her husband. Why should you sit and wait, meanwhile she goes along as she pleases.

 

Anyway, I highly doubt she's doing therapy to help her end her marriage and be with you. How do you know she's really doing counselling? Did she tell you this? do you have proof? It could be they are doing counselling to fix their marriage, but she neglected to tell you that..

[friend]

indeed, i am very happy that she decided to go see a therapist and get help. I think its a step in the right direction. I am just scared that its doing her marriage more help then our relationship, you just never know.

 

I am planning on talking to her about the situation later today after work. It was very hard on me when i found out, makes me feel like she picked him over me and i don't think i will ever forget it. I already know what she will say, she will tell me she didnt tell me because she didnt want to hurt me. She knows i don't like when she does things with him. They never do anything on the weekends, Her husband is a home body and never wants to go out. They are always at home. It was just a huge shock for me.

 

what is the name of the book you are reading? i wouldnt mind reading something like that myself. Thank you.

[whichwayisup]

I have a friend that has been in a bad marriage for years now. Her husband is a pretty intimidating guy and she has felt alone in her marriage for a long time. She realizes her marriage has been over for a long time but is scared to talk to her husband and ask for a divorce.

 

They have been to marriage counseling about 3 times in the 3 years they have been married and she is pretty burned out, she has tried everything to make it work but the problem is, shes the only one trying, he wont change anything. She needs help getting the nerve to leave him, she is scared of how to even start the conversation and needs something to build her courage.

 

 

I have been trying to help her but i am no expert, i have told her to get a professional and she has an appointment next week. However i am trying to buy her a book to read over the weekend that could help her. Does anyone have any recommendations? A girlfriend of mine suggested "Stop Being the String Along: A Relationship Guide to Being THE ONE"

 

She is LYING to you. She isn't really in an abusive marriage. If she was, she wouldn't be out and about with him.

 

Remember, youre only hearing ONE side things. Her side and since shes' lying to her husband, betraying him, she probably is omitting truths to you as well.

 

I know you probably won't believe that, you probably think she wouldn't lie to you, but don't let your heart and emotions fool you into believing she isn't capable of it..Selfishly she IS doing this to her H, the man she said vows to, so why wouldn't she lie/omit truths from you?

 

Stop trying to help her. Cut her OUT of your life. If she is going to leave her marriage, she needs to do it without you in her life, at all. Which means going no contact.

 

If she divorces, then think about 'casually' dating her. Don't be her side man through this process, that is IF what she is telling you is true.

[Ronni_W]

Recently there was a community service event that i really wanted to go to and i asked her if she could go but said she couldnt get out of the house. Today i found out that she went...but with her husband. I am very upset at this.

I take it that you mean you're upset that she lied to you, not that she is attending social events with her husband?

The way you've explained her home life, she is acting like a wife and doing things with/for her husband as any wife would do. This is normal, and part of why it sucks-hurts to be involved with a married person. But you CANNOT request/expect/demand that she does not do things with her husband!

 

As Snowflower said, therapy outcomes are left to the client...and are not always what the client had initially intended or expected. A competent therapist will be helping her to examine both the pros and cons of leaving...and of staying.

 

Have you considered therapy for yourself, to help you deal with your own hurts, upsets and frustrations, and maybe find some clarity/peace within yourself?

 

Hugs. It's difficult.

[friend]

Hate to say it, but the chances of her really leaving are slim to none. My wild guess is, she wants to leave, in some form, but hasn't got the nerve to, has gotten used to having two men in her life to fulfill all her needs.. She will continue the A with you, if you allow it and stay married because she doesn't want to give up what she has - A husband, the house, the life they live, their friends, family, inlaws, her daily routine. She's comfortable and happy enough with the status quo.

 

Do some reading in this section, you'll see how similar your situation is to others.

 

For your own sanity, back off and live your life without her in it. Rely on others, spend time with family and friends. Stop having sex with her, stop the A. Completely. Let her know that you no longer want to 'wait it out' and that you are going to live your life since she is doing the same with her husband. Why should you sit and wait, meanwhile she goes along as she pleases.

 

Anyway, I highly doubt she's doing therapy to help her end her marriage and be with you. How do you know she's really doing counselling? Did she tell you this? do you have proof? It could be they are doing counselling to fix their marriage, but she neglected to tell you that..

 

She is a very nice woman, to nice. She is not used to saying no to people. In the back of my mind i know her leaving him will be extremely hard. I know she is not happy in the marriage but lacks the backbone (couldnt think of another word) to leave him. That is why i was happy she is going to counseling. I know for a fact that she is going. The dr's office is right by my Job and i see her there afterwards, i get there a bit early and see her coming out of the building. I can only hope that it is to help her leave him, there is no way for me to know for sure. But, one reason i think it might be is because she and her husband have done marriage counseling before, about 3 times and she is keeping this therapy a secret from her husband. (she leaves work early to go)

[friend]

I take it that you mean you're upset that she lied to you, not that she is attending social events with her husband?

The way you've explained her home life, she is acting like a wife and doing things with/for her husband as any wife would do. This is normal, and part of why it sucks-hurts to be involved with a married person. But you CANNOT request/expect/demand that she does not do things with her husband!

 

As Snowflower said, therapy outcomes are left to the client...and are not always what the client had initially intended or expected. A competent therapist will be helping her to examine both the pros and cons of leaving...and of staying.

 

Have you considered therapy for yourself, to help you deal with your own hurts, upsets and frustrations, and maybe find some clarity/peace within yourself?

 

Hugs. It's difficult.

 

Hi Ronnie, Yes its difficult. I know i am not in a situation where i can demand her to not do things. The community service situation was just alot harder for me since i had asked her to do the exact same thing. We went to it together last year. And i just dont understand why she would go with her husband this year. Her husband knew nothing about it, so that would mean that she asked him to go. Which makes me think she picked him over me. That is why its hurtful. However, i am just speculating, i dont know what happened. I will hear what she has to say about it when i ask her later tonight.

 

I am actually looking for a therapist now, I have been with her for almost 2 years now. I need help, i need someone to talk to and give me advice. I was thinking of going to the same therapist she is seeing, do you guys think that is a good idea? That we both see the same therapist?

[Ronni_W]

I was thinking of going to the same therapist she is seeing, do you guys think that is a good idea? That we both see the same therapist?

No, of course not! But you already know that, I'm strongly suspecting . In any case, you won't be able to influence or manipulate what goes on in their sessions, even if you do end up paying someone just so that you can have the opportunity to try to do that. It will not work.

 

You do need your own therapist...someone you can trust to offer you the very best guidance and support. You deserve no less than that.

[friend]

No, of course not! But you already know that, I'm strongly suspecting . In any case, you won't be able to influence or manipulate what goes on in their sessions, even if you do end up paying someone just so that you can have the opportunity to try to do that. It will not work.

 

You do need your own therapist...someone you can trust to offer you the very best guidance and support. You deserve no less than that.

 

 

ah, i wasnt really thinking about it in a way for me to try to influence the therapist. more of that the therapist knows all the background info already and figured it would be better. I know couples that see the same therapist but have seperate sessions so i just wasnt sure what would be best. So i should just find my own then?

[Fallen Angel]

She is LYING to you. She isn't really in an abusive marriage. If she was, she wouldn't be out and about with him.

 

That is not an absolute fact. I was in an extremely abusive marriage but often went 'out and about' with my abusive husband. It was not something I wanted to do, but I did it to try to keep him happy. (Him happy and maintaining the appearance of 'happy family' in front of his friends and family *even though they almost all knew the truth* meant less bruises and physical pain for me.)

 

He took me the places he wanted to maintain his image of "loving family man", and left me at home when he wanted to go out and "be himself" and would often come home from his time alone drunk and even more aggressive towards me. So I went everywhere he wanted me to go, simply because it was safer for me to go with him. His anger at my refusal would have led to me being taught yet another "lesson" as to what my role as wife included.

[Brokenlady]

what does she tell you about her therapy sessions? With my MM, he started therapy about 6 months before leaving his W. I knew that was the goal because I attended a few of the sessions with him. Could you perhaps ask her if you can attend a session with her? It might actually help her therapist get a better picture of whats going on as well.

 

It is quite possible that although she's telling you she's leaving that she isn't truly all that set on that course of action. She may be trying to decide or she may even be trying to figure out how to end things with you. You just don't know if she totally walls off her therapy from you. If she wants you to wait around for her, she ought to keep you in the loop so you can decide if you want to keep waiting or not.

[whichwayisup]

That is not an absolute fact.

 

It is in this case.

 

Recently there was a community service event that i really wanted to go to and i asked her if she could go but said she couldnt get out of the house. Today i found out that she went...but with her husband.

 

She's making it seem like she does nothing with her H, when infact, she is doing stuff with him.

 

I was thinking of going to the same therapist she is seeing, do you guys think that is a good idea? That we both see the same therapist?

 

No, find your own. Her therapist is hers and honestly, I don't know if you think the T will side with you, maybe help push you two together, either way, it's a bad idea. You can find someone else.

[Spark1111]

I think the best therapists help you explore your own feelings in an effort to make confident life choices; those that you can look back and have no regret that you were confused, or losing perspective, or being over-emotional.

 

But they will not make a choice for you. The client has to own their choices with confidence.

 

And another rule of thumb, is if you are thinking of making a life altering decision such as leaving your husband, is to wait one year from the date you started therapy. If you still feel that way strongly, then you should.

 

So what are you going to do with you while she figures out her confusion?

 

I agree with the posters who tell you to still be her friend, but back away from the affair.

 

When she's made a choice, you will be sure to know. And if she doesn't choose you, what then?

 

 

Go live your life.

[jennie-jennie]

Friend,

I am kind of simultaneously reading two books by therapist Emily Brown:

 

"Patterns of Infidelity and Their Treatment" (written as a resource for marriage and family therapists and other professionals)

and

"Affairs" (written for the people in the triangle)

 

She talks about different kinds of affairs. Self Split affairs is the one I identify our relationship with. For this kind of affairs she does say that the chance of ending up with the MP is small, but she also says that the prognosis for the marriage in these cases is poor. So the thing to do is to get therapy, preferably for both the MP and the OP. Which you two are doing!

[jennie-jennie]

If your MP is going to a good therapist, why not ask if it is okay for him/her that you go there as well. The therapist must be able to advice you whether or not it is a good idea that the two of you have the same therapist.

 

What I have heard is that you should shop around until you find someone you like.

 

I don't think it is necessary to end the affair before going to individual counseling. It is necessary to end the affair before going to marital counseling however.

Edited November 20, 2009 by jennie-jennie

[Ronni_W]

more of that the therapist knows all the background info already and figured it would be better.

Yes, that's right...find your own. Because and in any case, the therapist only knows HER (your MW's) side of HER story. You would still have to tell YOUR whole story in YOUR own way; from your own perspective, experiences, filters, feelings, etc.

 

Couples counseling is a bit different -- a therapist may see each person individually but the focus will still be the relationship, and the individual sessions will be short-term.

My individual therapist is an excellent couples counselor as well. He is OUR couples counselor, and would have seen my b/f for a FEW private sessions, but he made it clear that ethically he cannot take-on my b/f as a client for individual/personal therapy...unless I was willing to give him up as my individual/personal therapist. (Otherwise, conflict of interest.)

As he put it, in couples therapy, his client is "the relationship" not either one of the individuals.

Edited November 20, 2009 by Ronni_W

[friend]

what does she tell you about her therapy sessions? With my MM, he started therapy about 6 months before leaving his W. I knew that was the goal because I attended a few of the sessions with him. Could you perhaps ask her if you can attend a session with her? It might actually help her therapist get a better picture of whats going on as well.

 

It is quite possible that although she's telling you she's leaving that she isn't truly all that set on that course of action. She may be trying to decide or she may even be trying to figure out how to end things with you. You just don't know if she totally walls off her therapy from you. If she wants you to wait around for her, she ought to keep you in the loop so you can decide if you want to keep waiting or not.

 

 

She doesnt tell me much really, i've asked her a couple times about it. She tells me the therapist is talking to her about her feelings and emotions, about her childhood (abusive father), about things that are going on but never really gives me an specifics. There were a few times in the beginning where she was pretty emotional when she left the therapist and i didnt press it.

[candoit]

its tough letting some one you love go , but i think you should let her go for now until she figures out what she wants , then go n/c .. if she truly loves you she will make a decision sooner than she would if you are waiting around for her ...on the other hand one and half years is a little too much time to be waiting around

[jennie-jennie]

its tough letting some one you love go , but i think you should let her go for now until she figures out what she wants , then go n/c .. if she truly loves you she will make a decision sooner than she would if you are waiting around for her ...on the other hand one and half years is a little too much time to be waiting around

 

Errr, "tough", in my opinion it is hell. Have you tried doing it yourself, candoit?

[friend]

its tough letting some one you love go , but i think you should let her go for now until she figures out what she wants , then go n/c .. if she truly loves you she will make a decision sooner than she would if you are waiting around for her ...on the other hand one and half years is a little too much time to be waiting around

 

 

I know its been a while. When we were together for about 6 months, her husband found a card i had given her. They went to marriage counseling and then she did a few individual sessions with that therapist and she told her not to see me anymore. She told me she had to not see me for 6 months and do No contact and that after the 6 months she would come back to me free and we could start our relationship. But the no contact lasted about 2 days, she came to me saying she couldnt be away from me and as hard as she tried she couldnt be without me. That happened about a year ago.

 

A little more info, we see each other every day, we work at the same place, we meet for breakfast, go out for lunch, spend time after work, sometimes we meet on the weekends at the mall, Talk on the phone on the way home, she pings me on her blackberry most of the night since her and her husband are always in seperate rooms (hes always on the computer or playing video games). It isnt easy to just "drop her". I love her and i really do want a relationship with her, i have been through so much and lately i have felt very down and alone at times, i realize its not healthy and that is why i will find myself a therapist as soon as possible.

[friend]

If your MP is going to a good therapist, why not ask if it is okay for him/her that you go there as well. The therapist must be able to advice you whether or not it is a good idea that the two of you have the same therapist.

 

What I have heard is that you should shop around until you find someone you like.

 

I don't think it is necessary to end the affair before going to individual counseling. It is necessary to end the affair before going to marital counseling however.

 

 

I will ask her to ask her therapist if that is a good idea. If not, if her therapist can recommend me another therapist to see. I feel like i really do need to talk about what i am going through. Its hard to just keep everything to myself, i cant talk to anyone and its taking its toll on me. TY

[friend]

Yes, that's right...find your own. Because and in any case, the therapist only knows HER (your MW's) side of HER story. You would still have to tell YOUR whole story in YOUR own way; from your own perspective, experiences, filters, feelings, etc.

 

Couples counseling is a bit different -- a therapist may see each person individually but the focus will still be the relationship, and the individual sessions will be short-term.

My individual therapist is an excellent couples counselor as well. He is OUR couples counselor, and would have seen my b/f for a FEW private sessions, but he made it clear that ethically he cannot take-on my b/f as a client for individual/personal therapy...unless I was willing to give him up as my individual/personal therapist. (Otherwise, conflict of interest.)

As he put it, in couples therapy, his client is "the relationship" not either one of the individuals.

 

 

ok ty ronnie, i will try to find my own therapist. Maybe ask my MW if her therapist can recommend one for me.

[friend]

Errr, "tough", in my opinion it is hell. Have you tried doing it yourself, candoit?

 

 

tell me about it, i really dont think i could do it. She would have to leave me. I know this situation isnt good for me, i know it is hurting me, i have those bad nights where i feel so down at night sometimes, it is hard to stay positive, especially after so long, but all i can do is hope.