MW Therapy, what to expect?

[whichwayisup]

You have no choice now BUT to walk away. This married woman is going to have a baby with her husband. It isn't up to you to tell him about the affair. And yes, she WILL hate you for it, infact, chances are high that she'll throw you under the bus and make it seem like you were the one chasing her all along, make it seem like you were/are crazy, obsessed with her.

 

She loves him, enough to continue to have sex with him. She wasn't ever going to leave him, she just liked having you on the side and got used to having TWO men need all her selfish needs.

 

You say you're heartbroken, in an unhealthy situation..Do something to change that by telling her goodbye. She can't have it both ways and YOU can't continue on this way.

[2sure]

She is in counseling to work on her marriage. If she was seriously considering leaving, guilt or not, she would have seen an attorney.

She or she and her husband have decided to have a baby. Maybe this decision was reached as a way to reconnect the marriage . Maybe the pregnancy was unexpected, a surprise - but either way decisions were and are being made. Just not by you.

 

Her marriage is not over. They go places together, they are intimate. They have decided to have a baby.

 

This woman IS making decisions. Just bad ones. Her choices are affecting everyone around her more than herself.

 

Stop letting her drive this car.

[ladydesigner]

Wow you are in a tough situation and I wouldn't be positive on the baby being solely her husband's, but maybe. The only way anyone will know is with a paternity test.

 

I was a MOW and I was in love with my xOM. I don't think I would have left for him. It would not have been in my best interest or my children's. I had no business starting an A with him. We were both guilty, we both pursued each other. I am sure your MW loves you but it doesn't seem enough to where she is going to leave her M for you or she already would have.

 

Her being pregnant adds a new dynamic. If the baby is her H's do you want to continue this type of relationship where you know they are still bonding and having sex together. On the flip side if the baby is yours... well some big decisions are going to have to made.

 

You are in a tough position and i really feel for you. I would maybe take a step back from this right now and try to distance yourself. Are you in any type of counseling? That might help a bit.

[friend]

She said it wasnt expected, they werent trying. She said they barely ever had sex she would tell him shes tired, didnt feel well etc, but that he insisted and she had no choice sometimes, that they barely ever had sex and it just so happens that she got pregnant.

[whichwayisup]

She said it wasnt expected, they werent trying. She said they barely ever had sex she would tell him shes tired, didnt feel well etc, but that he insisted and she had no choice sometimes, that they barely ever had sex and it just so happens that she got pregnant.

 

Please tell me you don't believe this..

 

This woman is having her cake and eating it too. I know your heart and emotions cannot 'see' that she is doing this, but knowing FULL WELL firsthand how she IS very capable of lying, betraying, deceiving her husband, the man she said vows to - Don't you think she could do the same to you? Omit truths, bend the truth to suit her better?

 

Do you think she is actually going to tell you that she still has sex with her H and she enjoys it? WHAT good would that do, right? SO ofcourse she's telling you one thing, to keep you happier and not to hurt you.

 

Also means they don't use protection.

[friend]

Wow you are in a tough situation and I wouldn't be positive on the baby being solely her husband's, but maybe. The only way anyone will know is with a paternity test.

 

I was a MOW and I was in love with my xOM. I don't think I would have left for him. It would not have been in my best interest or my children's. I had no business starting an A with him. We were both guilty, we both pursued each other. I am sure your MW loves you but it doesn't seem enough to where she is going to leave her M for you or she already would have.

 

Her being pregnant adds a new dynamic. If the baby is her H's do you want to continue this type of relationship where you know they are still bonding and having sex together. On the flip side if the baby is yours... well some big decisions are going to have to made.

 

You are in a tough position and i really feel for you. I would maybe take a step back from this right now and try to distance yourself. Are you in any type of counseling? That might help a bit.

 

I am in counseling, i have gone to two session and have my 3rd tomorrow. I am hoping it will help me. She was so close to leaving him so many times but could never pull the trigger. It could be mine, you never know. I dont understand why she would even think about having this child we are not in a situation to have one, if its mine i dont want to miss everything, i dont want to miss my child being born.

[friend]

Please tell me you don't believe this..

 

This woman is having her cake and eating it too. I know your heart and emotions cannot 'see' that she is doing this, but knowing FULL WELL firsthand how she IS very capable of lying, betraying, deceiving her husband, the man she said vows to - Don't you think she could do the same to you? Omit truths, bend the truth to suit her better?

 

Do you think she is actually going to tell you that she still has sex with her H and she enjoys it? WHAT good would that do, right? SO ofcourse she's telling you one thing, to keep you happier and not to hurt you.

 

Also means they don't use protection.

 

 

We didnt use protection either, we used withdrawl. And i know she could be lying to me to not hurt my feelings. I just dont know what else to do.

[ladydesigner]

I am in counseling, i have gone to two session and have my 3rd tomorrow. I am hoping it will help me. She was so close to leaving him so many times but could never pull the trigger. It could be mine, you never know. I dont understand why she would even think about having this child we are not in a situation to have one, if its mine i dont want to miss everything, i dont want to miss my child being born.

 

I am assuming it is early on in the decision making. Does she think there is a chance it could be yours? Either way it is great you are in counseling, it will help if you have a good one. I would still try to distance myself if I were you from the situation. If it is the H's baby I would definitely move on and go NC. If it is yours well you will have a responsibility in financially providing.

[whichwayisup]

Fact that she hasn't used protection with her husband and you just shows where her head is at!

 

Keep going to counselling, it'll only help you in the long run.

 

If there's a chance this baby is yours, then get a lawyer so when the baby is born you can have a paternity test. Why not mention this to her too.. Watch how she reacts!

[ladydesigner]

If there's a chance this baby is yours, then get a lawyer so when the baby is born you can have a paternity test. Why not mention this to her too.. Watch how she reacts!

 

I agree with this.

[jwi71]

I was still seeing my MW and last week she told me she is pregnant. Going back and looking at the conceived date the baby will be from her husband. There was a 2 1/2 week period where we did not have sex because we were both so busy with work and her conceived date is right in the middle of that period.

 

Huh. Thats one mighty ACCURATE test they have...TOO accurate in fact.

The ONLY way the child's paternity will be known will be through a DNA test. 2 1/2 weeks is TOO narrow to know WHO is the father w/o DNA testing.

 

I don't know what to do, i ask her what she wants to do and she says she doesn't know that she loves me but she cant leave him either. Neither of us can make any type of decision. We still see each other everyday but i am so sad.

You don't NEED her decision. Only YOURS.

 

 

I know i should leave her, i know its not healthy for me, but its just so heartbreaking, and i cant see my life without her in it

She OBVIOUSLY has NO problem living w/o YOU.

We know this because she has unprotected sex with her H.

Here we go and straight to the point...she might love you but she doesn't love you ENOUGH. Not enough to leave. Not enough to make you "legitimate" and not enough to say "no" to her H.

 

Now either ACCEPT it or LEAVE. Its gonna hurt either way...but one path has the hurt ENDING. I'll leave it to you to figure which path that is.

 

If i just would of been strong enough to leave her before i think it would of pushed her to leave her husband and come back to me.

Dude, wake up. She doesn't WANT to LEAVE her H.

She wants an A, not a D. Know how I know? She HASN'T left.

Go on and tell her H...I bet her REACTION will be priceless...and I'm equally sure you'll excuse it away. Again.

She depends on me for everything, we spend most of the day together at work, eat breakfast/lunch together. We spend 2 hours after work together, i have been a big part of her life for the past 2 years.

Denial. Pure and simple...

 

I've thought about just telling the husband everything, if shes not strong enough to leave him i figure that would be the only way. But then i know she would probably hate me for it, but at least i'd be able to help her get out of it and maybe some day she would forgive me.

She'd hate you alright...because she WANTS AN AFFAIR, NOT A DIVORCE.

And telling her H, who she has been lying and gaslighting for years, would certainly mess up her perfect little world.

 

And she would certainly NOT forgive you for "outing her"....

 

I'm sorry you're hurting. I am.

I understand you love her. I understand you THINK you know what's best for her. That you are her knight in shining armor.

 

You're not. You're a distraction. An escape. A fantasy.

 

Things aren't THAT bad at home for her...she's LYING.

 

You can leave now...endure the pain, heal and move on...

 

Or

 

You can hang on, and hope and wish and wonder and suffer...

 

The power to end this is in YOU...no one else...

[ladydesigner]

You're not. You're a distraction. An escape. A fantasy.

 

Things aren't THAT bad at home for her...she's LYING.

I have to agree with this having been a MOW. My xOM was exactly that, a distraction and a fantasy, it was a fantasy that I fell in love with. I also loved my H. It was not as new and exciting as my A was but whose marriage is after 13 years. Things at home for me were bad but not enough for me to leave for my xOM. She is lying to you. She does want both, hell I wanted both. I was your typical cake eater.

 

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Stay in counseling and work your feelings out. Get stronger and start preparing yourself to let go of her. It really would be the best thing you could do for her and especially for yourself.

[Brokenlady]

She said it wasnt expected, they werent trying. She said they barely ever had sex she would tell him shes tired, didnt feel well etc, but that he insisted and she had no choice sometimes, that they barely ever had sex and it just so happens that she got pregnant.

 

Oh sweetie. Surely you don't believe this. She's essentially claiming he's raping her, yet she not only doesn't want to leave, but didn't have the brains to assure birth control. It sounds like perhaps she and her husband were trying for a baby, unbeknownst to you (she certainly wasn't trying NOT to have a baby) and now she has a conveinient excuse to end the relationship with you and stay with her H. A really special kind of slimy, IMO.

 

Insist on a paternity test, I wouldn't take her word for any of this. And fight for custody if the baby is yours. It's quite likely her H won't want to raise another man's child anyway.

 

Otheriwse, stay away from her. This woman is poison.

[lkjh]

Dude, you are delusional. She is trying to lose you not him. She probably isn't even pregnant but just picked days so you would think she has to stay with the H. SHE IS LYING TO YOU.

 

Tell the H

[friend]

Oh sweetie. Surely you don't believe this. She's essentially claiming he's raping her, yet she not only doesn't want to leave, but didn't have the brains to assure birth control. It sounds like perhaps she and her husband were trying for a baby, unbeknownst to you (she certainly wasn't trying NOT to have a baby) and now she has a conveinient excuse to end the relationship with you and stay with her H. A really special kind of slimy, IMO.

 

Insist on a paternity test, I wouldn't take her word for any of this. And fight for custody if the baby is yours. It's quite likely her H won't want to raise another man's child anyway.

 

Otheriwse, stay away from her. This woman is poison.

 

 

I knew they were sleeping together, i knew she couldnt stop him for 2 years, but i also believed her when she told me she was trying to avoid it, she would tell me he'd get mad at her, ask her why shes so distant, why she didnt sleep with him anymore etc.

 

I will tell her i want a paternity test, do you get that before the baby is born or after?

[friend]

Dude, you are delusional. She is trying to lose you not him. She probably isn't even pregnant but just picked days so you would think she has to stay with the H. SHE IS LYING TO YOU.

 

Tell the H

 

 

She is pregnant, shes been nauseous and has thrown up a couple times.

[lkjh]

Ok if you honestly believe everything this woman is telling you then why don't you save her by telling her H about you two?

[Brokenlady]

I knew they were sleeping together, i knew she couldnt stop him for 2 years, but i also believed her when she told me she was trying to avoid it, she would tell me he'd get mad at her, ask her why shes so distant, why she didnt sleep with him anymore etc.

 

Having been on the receiving end of this same line of nonsense, I know that you wanted to believe her. She certainly could have refused to have sex for two years if she had wanted to leave as she claimed. She obviously really wanted to keep her H, and that includes having sex with him. It's an awful revelation when that happens. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

 

I will tell her i want a paternity test, do you get that before the baby is born or after?

 

Usually it's done after birth. I don't trust her conveinient timeline. Women generally don't get sick until they're at least 8-11 weeks along (has to do with hormone levels). I tend to think she's pretending to be sure it's her H's because that will prevent you from disrupting her marital fantasy land.

 

She's bull-sh*tting you to make sure she can sweep this under the rug. It's twofold - you get upset that she's pregant with her H's child and go away so she never has to face the music about the affair AND she can more easily pass off your child as her H's because you will not fight her because you believe her lies that it's his. Don't buy it. Get a test done when you can.

[bentnotbroken]

Wow you are in a tough situation and I wouldn't be positive on the baby being solely her husband's, but maybe. The only way anyone will know is with a paternity test.

 

I was a MOW and I was in love with my xOM. I don't think I would have left for him. It would not have been in my best interest or my children's. I had no business starting an A with him. We were both guilty, we both pursued each other. I am sure your MW loves you but it doesn't seem enough to where she is going to leave her M for you or she already would have.

 

Her being pregnant adds a new dynamic. If the baby is her H's do you want to continue this type of relationship where you know they are still bonding and having sex together. On the flip side if the baby is yours... well some big decisions are going to have to made.

 

You are in a tough position and i really feel for you. I would maybe take a step back from this right now and try to distance yourself. Are you in any type of counseling? That might help a bit.

 

 

 

Exactly! Her H shouldn't be made to pay for a child that may or may not be his. She knows exactly what she is doing.... and you are on your way out of the picture.

[LucreziaBorgia]

The chances of her being sexless with him, having sex one time and happening to get pregnant are very, very low. It is more likely that they were either having sex multiple times (ie: trying to get pregnant), or the baby is yours if you and she had a fair amount of sex during that month.

 

I would definitely insist on a paternity test. You need to know, and so does her husband.

[Mini-Me]

Maury Povich Show

 

http://www.mauryshow.com/story/dna-results/he-called-maury-from-the-hospi.php

[pureinheart]

Sigh, Just wanted to give an update.

 

I was still seeing my MW and last week she told me she is pregnant. Going back and looking at the conceived date the baby will be from her husband. There was a 2 1/2 week period where we did not have sex because we were both so busy with work and her conceived date is right in the middle of that period.

 

I am heartbroken and have not slept in a week. I have stressed myself out to the point where i developed rashes on my body, i barely eat, nothing motivates me and i just lay in bed wondering why this had to happen to me. I don't know what to do, i ask her what she wants to do and she says she doesn't know that she loves me but she cant leave him either. Neither of us can make any type of decision. We still see each other everyday but i am so sad.

 

I know i should leave her, i know its not healthy for me, but its just so heartbreaking, and i cant see my life without her in it. I'm just so lost.

 

I blame myself for not listening before. If i just would of been strong enough to leave her before i think it would of pushed her to leave her husband and come back to me. She depends on me for everything, we spend most of the day together at work, eat breakfast/lunch together. We spend 2 hours after work together, i have been a big part of her life for the past 2 years. Now i feel like it's the beginning of the end. With a baby in the picture i see her staying in her bad marriage for the sake of the child. ugh im going insane.

 

I've thought about just telling the husband everything, if shes not strong enough to leave him i figure that would be the only way. But then i know she would probably hate me for it, but at least i'd be able to help her get out of it and maybe some day she would forgive me. Im just scared how he would react also, i dont want him to hurt her i just dont know what to do. I just have so many things running in my mind right now.

 

I totally understand the resentment and hurt, although this type of disclosure could be vindictive....meaning looking at the motive behind the motive....not meaning this statement to be uncool.

 

I don't want to spark anger, just want you to know that I have been there (not exact circumstances), when one feel like they have been deceived, normal reaction is to retaliate directly or indirectly....oh man, I wanted to tell exMM's W sooooo many times and my R with him was not as involved, meaning there were no sexual relations, nor any promises of a future together....just imo manipulation, carrots being dangled, nothing to substanciate anything...ohhhhh that was a horrible feeling.

 

I go back and forth between forgiveness (which I know to be best for all involved) and anger as to what I feel happened to me. I want to have understanding and be objective, not angry....angry IS part of the grieving process, not an entire way of life.

 

Judging from your post, this has gone on along time, just like my sitch...maybe we are just coming to certain realizations, although we should be way past some of this stuff...we know what the real truth is...

 

IMO, the real truth, IS that there are no guarantees like with a washing machine...these are people, with free wills and can change their minds at any given time, and they DO have the right to do this...so with that said we must understand that what we want for the future with them may or may not come to pass and accept the circumstances for what they are...either accept that they are M (or in my case choose to stay single) and decide what WE can handle and accept...

 

Man, do I understand the anguish you are going through, the wondering, the lack of knowledge concerning the future....that is why I HAD to take my power back and let the chips fall where they may...letting go basically and this is a hard thing to do....it is important to let MW be MW, if that what SHE chooses then it needs to be respected (even though you may have been deceived) and work through your issues...and find a lady who will appreciate you....sure it hurts, but one thing that helped me is understanding that in my case exMM/SO (maybe) has his own hurt and stuff to deal with that I DIDNOT create....meaning try not to take too much personal if it was not meant to be...and I know I may get nailed for this, although to realise that people will be people and may not intentionally set out to hurt actually does help the healing.

[pureinheart]

In re-reading my reply, I know I'll get nailed...just to explain "IMO", based on what I have seen...yes there is lying, deceit, all of the above per sey...yet what I am finding is that people react to past hurts, hurts they at times do not realise exist...behaviors that they are so used to that it has become a way of life...it is intentional, yet not at the same time...you just happened to get in the way (or me, whatever).

 

Now there are the severe cases that DO intentionally set out to hurt....in small ways I saw this as behavior concerning exMM/SO(still contemplating)...such as he felt a deptment store screwed him over, so he set out to "get them back" and if he needed "parts" from one appliance or item would buy it, take the parts needed and return it...I told him, that he is hurting everyone, the honest customers that would inturn buy this stuff with parts missing, then have to take it back themselves, loosing time and money...

 

This is JMO....people are just hurting everywhere....

[friend]

Having been on the receiving end of this same line of nonsense, I know that you wanted to believe her. She certainly could have refused to have sex for two years if she had wanted to leave as she claimed. She obviously really wanted to keep her H, and that includes having sex with him. It's an awful revelation when that happens. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

 

 

 

Usually it's done after birth. I don't trust her conveinient timeline. Women generally don't get sick until they're at least 8-11 weeks along (has to do with hormone levels). I tend to think she's pretending to be sure it's her H's because that will prevent you from disrupting her marital fantasy land.

 

She's bull-sh*tting you to make sure she can sweep this under the rug. It's twofold - you get upset that she's pregant with her H's child and go away so she never has to face the music about the affair AND she can more easily pass off your child as her H's because you will not fight her because you believe her lies that it's his. Don't buy it. Get a test done when you can.

 

I think you are right, i think she was tired of trying to make 2 men happy and this pregnancy is the only thing that would of stopped this. She wasnt strong enough to leave her Husband and wasnt strong enough to let me go.

 

She is going to be 11 weeks pregnant and shes been sick since the last week of december. Thats when i saw her throw up.

 

Reading everything here is making me mad, i was believing everything she told me, that she was trying to leave him, that she wanted to be with me, i cant take it anymore, if she really loved me as much as she says why couldnt she just be with me. Now look what has happened. ugh i just dont know what to do. I feel the ressentment coming through though, part of me is mad as hell and part me me is just so sad.

 

I actually saw a AIM log when i first started seeing her that was dated 8 months before we met, i saw it on her computer one day that she spent the night. ( yes i went digging, it was deep in the trillian folder she probably doesnt even know it exsists but logs get saved,she doesnt know i saw it) I asked her if she had ever done this with anyone else and she didnt hide it from me, she told me she had been flirting with another man before she met me but that i was the first person she fell in love with and wanted more. I've thought about this also. She feels so lonely in her marriage that she tries to find a way to make herself happy. ( husband neglects her, always playing video games, they never go out or do anything) I've thought about this before, maybe shes just a habitual cheater, i dont know, i know she has problems (dad issues) and im sure its messed her up in some ways.

 

Anyways, what should my next step be? Just make her choose one of us and if she chooses him i should leave and try to be strong and not contact her? Im just so weak when it comes to her

[ladydesigner]

Anyways, what should my next step be? Just make her choose one of us and if she chooses him i should leave and try to be strong and not contact her? Im just so weak when it comes to her

 

I feel bad for saying this but I think she's already made her choice. I know you love her deeply, but you need to start loving yourself too. You need to start finding yourself again, the self that you were without her, and begin to grieve her.

 

i would demand a paternity test after the birth and try to have little to no contact. Maybe just in terms of the child if you are interested in it being yours.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this and hurting so much. You deserve someone to love you as much as you love them and not have to lie and deceive about it.