MW Therapy, what to expect?

[friend]

Some people tell me to tell her husband and some people tell me to not tell him. ugh

[ladydesigner]

Some people tell me to tell her husband and some people tell me to not tell him. ugh

 

Well if this child ends up being yours he WILL know about you. I would bring up the paternity test to her and tell her you want to know if it is yours. If the baby is her H's are you going to still sleep with her knowing that what is inside her belly is HIS. That would make me want to

 

I would take a step back for 7 months.

[silverplanets]

It has been very difficult to read this thread for me because I went through very similar with my OW about 15 years ago now.

 

She got somehow "pregnant" in a marriage that was over, where she was in separate rooms etc etc etc

 

She didn't tell me until much later, so at least you know I suppose ...

 

It was one of the worst times of my life, not least because I couldn't get myself to see what was right in front of me even when I knew it. She wasn't raped, she wasn't forced, she lay underneath him willingly and made love with him as husband and wife - and on more than one occasion.

 

I really feel for you ... and my only advice is to distance yourself from the whole thing and start to work on yourself to understand why you even got involved in their mess.

 

It really hurts to even begin to acknowledge that you were just a side part in their drama ... and it hurts even more if you've taken it seriously ...

 

PLease look after YOU from now on.

[silverplanets]

I have to agree with this having been a MOW. My xOM was exactly that, a distraction and a fantasy, it was a fantasy that I fell in love with. I also loved my H. It was not as new and exciting as my A was but whose marriage is after 13 years. Things at home for me were bad but not enough for me to leave for my xOM. She is lying to you. She does want both, hell I wanted both. I was your typical cake eater.

 

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Stay in counseling and work your feelings out. Get stronger and start preparing yourself to let go of her. It really would be the best thing you could do for her and especially for yourself.

 

This is, I believe, the honest answer to this whole thread.

 

A very open and honest post - and food for thought for anyone involved with a MW I think.

 

Thank you ld.

[Samantha0905]

This is, I believe, the honest answer to this whole thread.

 

A very open and honest post - and food for thought for anyone involved with a MW I think.

 

Thank you ld.

 

Yes, and I feel the same way. I fell in love with my AP, but if I were really in love he asked -- why didn't I leave my marriage? I could never make myself do that, so in effect I was married and had my OM -- a cake eater. I loved being with my AP. I loved making love to him. I did not want to end my marriage. Eventually one has to choose and, of course, a new relationship (the affair) is the one with all the exciting "we're so in love" feelings attached to it, along with the "this sex is so great" feelings.

 

The affair damages the marriage, breaks the heart of the OP and breaks the heart of the CS. It's a bad situation.

[Brokenlady]

She is going to be 11 weeks pregnant and shes been sick since the last week of december. Thats when i saw her throw up.

 

Again, this is a timeline according to her, and you already know she's a liar. She may be three months for all you know - there's a reason she wants you to think the baby is her H's. And it's probably because she was having enough sex with both of you that she really doesn't know, but she doesn't have the guts to tell you the truth.

 

Reading everything here is making me mad, i was believing everything she told me, that she was trying to leave him, that she wanted to be with me, i cant take it anymore, if she really loved me as much as she says why couldnt she just be with me. Now look what has happened. ugh i just dont know what to do. I feel the ressentment coming through though, part of me is mad as hell and part me me is just so sad.

 

I know the feeling well, as do many people here. Hold on to the anger for as long as you need to, but stay away from this woman.

 

I've thought about this before, maybe shes just a habitual cheater, i dont know, i know she has problems (dad issues) and im sure its messed her up in some ways.

 

Lots of people have daddy issues. Hell, I have daddy issues. But none of that excuses her behavior now - she's an adult, and a rather slimy one at that.

 

Anyways, what should my next step be? Just make her choose one of us and if she chooses him i should leave and try to be strong and not contact her? Im just so weak when it comes to her

 

Sweetie, she already chose. In the face of the ambiguity of having sex wtih both of you she could have said many things - the most honest being that she isn't sure, but no, she tells you she's "sure" the baby is her H's. She made her choice. But please know that it says nothing about you and everything about her.

[Confused4Now]

Some people tell me to tell her husband and some people tell me to not tell him. ugh

Don't it doesn't change nothing....Just walk away. Just reading this update makes me sick to my stomach cause I was there too....ugh. I almost lost my job....I was going to therapy for a year. I was on ambien and zoloft. YOU need to get a grip and real fast!!!!!!

 

Trust me you are going to lose it.....I almost did.

[White Flower]

Hello all,

 

I am currently the OM, have been for about 1 1/2 years. My MW has been seeing a therapist to help her leave her husband for about 4 months now. She tells me she doesnt love him and wants out but that she needed help on how to break things off since they have been married for 4 years.

 

Recently there was a community service event that i really wanted to go to and i asked her if she could go but said she couldnt get out of the house. Today i found out that she went...but with her husband. I am very upset at this. Could it be that she is seeing the therapist to make things better with her husband and leaving me in the dark? How am i supposed to know that she is seeing the therapist to leave him? in the 4 months i really havent seen any changes with her marriage. She still lives with him, goes home to him, goes home after work at the same time, etc. Wouldnt a therapist try to get her to distance herself from him by now? Do therapist give them steps and things to do to try to leave a marriage? like leave the house more on the weekends etc? I am just confused and not sure what to do.

 

Any help or info would be great. Thank you very much.

Yes, a therapist can help a MP learn how to take the steps to leave any R. I have seen it happen with an engaged couple who live down the street from me. He is in his 60s and she is in her 40s.

 

You and I are in similar situations. My MM is in therapy now because he is trying to get to the bottom of why he hedged on D-day and didn't leave like he thought he would, planned on doing. His therapist is attacking this from all directions and he tells me in great detail about his sessions. He calls me directly after each session to give me the run down so that he doesn't forget anything. He too needs help with leaving a controlling partner.

 

He has given the counselor his ok for me to see her and to talk about him. At first she was apprehensive due to the fact she 'knows' his W; however, she believes now that I am his true love and is opening her mind to a visit with me. I am sure if I made an appointment in my name and showed up and started talking about him she wouldn't turn me away.

 

Visiting with her once would give me a sense of what they speak about and prove to me that what he is telling me is the truth. But since I know when he is lying (he hasn't pulled that with me in years) I pretty much know what is going on anyway.

 

I'm not saying that I'll go just yet, but I wanted you to know that anything is possible if you ask enough questions and make her ask questions of her counselor that satisfy you. Your life is on hold because of her waffling and you deserve to know what direction you should take. I would ask her if it's ok to visit her counselor at least once just to get a feel if she really is in there doing what she says she is doing. Keep in mind that her therapist is 'on her side' and may not divulge anything to you but if she brings you in with her for a visit or gives some kind of permission to speak about her then you know in the very least her motives and reports are true.

 

You're only in by 1 and 1/2 years. You probably can't tell when she's lying.

 

I think it is worth a try.

[White Flower]

Well if this child ends up being yours he WILL know about you. I would bring up the paternity test to her and tell her you want to know if it is yours. If the baby is her H's are you going to still sleep with her knowing that what is inside her belly is HIS. That would make me want to

 

I would take a step back for 7 months.

Good advice!

[whichwayisup]

IF you decide to tell, just be prepared for all the consquences. Face up and own your part in the affair. Answer her H's questions honestly. If you tell you can't pick and choose what to tell him and what not to tell him.

 

Be prepared for her to HATE you. Be prepared for more drama in your life.

 

Or, walk away, like the other poster above me said, walk away for 7 months.

 

If this baby is infact yours, her H will find out the truth anyway.

 

This woman is broken. Has been for a while. She's flirted and done things online with other men, so you're not her first in that sense, maybe 1st in the sense of taking it offline and making an affair happen. Either way, THAT behaviour of hers has been on going for a long time.

[Confused4Now]

IF you decide to tell, just be prepared for all the consquences. Face up and own your part in the affair. Answer her H's questions honestly. If you tell you can't pick and choose what to tell him and what not to tell him.

 

Be prepared for her to HATE you. Be prepared for more drama in your life.

 

Or, walk away, like the other poster above me said, walk away for 7 months.

 

If this baby is infact yours, her H will find out the truth anyway.

 

This woman is broken. Has been for a while. She's flirted and done things online with other men, so you're not her first in that sense, maybe 1st in the sense of taking it offline and making an affair happen. Either way, THAT behaviour of hers has been on going for a long time.

Please listen to WWIU I wish I'd had listen to the advice that was given. It would have saved me a lot of pain and grief.

[silverplanets]

Yes, and I feel the same way. I fell in love with my AP, but if I were really in love he asked -- why didn't I leave my marriage? I could never make myself do that, so in effect I was married and had my OM -- a cake eater. I loved being with my AP. I loved making love to him. I did not want to end my marriage. Eventually one has to choose and, of course, a new relationship (the affair) is the one with all the exciting "we're so in love" feelings attached to it, along with the "this sex is so great" feelings.

 

The affair damages the marriage, breaks the heart of the OP and breaks the heart of the CS. It's a bad situation.

 

Samantha - again the honesty here is brilliant for anyone involved (especially with a MW) to read.

 

I could never make myself really believe that my MW thought this way but the reality is her actions clearly showed that she did.

 

In a crazy way, at times I used to feel like I was actually HELPING keep their marriage going ... we went through NC many many times (5 years at one point) .. and the reality was that she would always chase me down eventually ready to leave "right then" but as soon as I was back in her life then she didn't feel as empty and was therefore content to remain where she was - with the best of both worlds.

 

It doens't make her bad, but it did mean that if I stayed with her I'd be giving up the chance of meeting someone who WOULD commit to a full relationship with me.

 

We played out our dance for almost 15 years and only last year have I drawn the absolute line. I never wanted to be a hidden A partner. So i've said once and for all, unless she has papers in hand then we have no future together.

 

OP - difficult though it is you NEED to shake of this view of her as a poor little lost soul needing rescuing from her bad marriage ... she has CHOSEN to make babies with him (or if its yours she has chosen that she would prefer him to be the father) ...

 

She's not weak, she's strong deep down - she's managed to not let you influence her and keep hold of exactly what was most important to her.

 

It doesn't make her bad but it should be all you need to know.

 

I know what it's like to realise you've been a nice distraction for someone .. it sucks (big time !!) but, hard though it is, you need to laugh at yourself (in a nice way), give yourself a big hug (and a playful slap for getting sucked in ) and just move on ...

 

Be safe

 

Chris

[friend]

 

In a crazy way, at times I used to feel like I was actually HELPING keep their marriage going ...

 

Chris

 

I've thought about this. And i think i did, she was feeling alone and neglected in her marriage, by me being there for her for 2 years she found what was missing in me and thus helping her stay in her marriage. If i left her before she got pregnant who knows what would of happened, maybe she would of chased me and left her husband. That is something i will always wonder and never forgive myself for not doing. Now it is too late, i know her, if the baby is his, even if shes unhappy and feels that the marriage is over she will stay in it just for the baby.

[friend]

Don't it doesn't change nothing....Just walk away. Just reading this update makes me sick to my stomach cause I was there too....ugh. I almost lost my job....I was going to therapy for a year. I was on ambien and zoloft. YOU need to get a grip and real fast!!!!!!

 

Trust me you are going to lose it.....I almost did.

 

 

I almost lost my job also, ive been so out of it, i dont feel like doing anything, i've missed time from work, my performance is down, Boss already spoke to me about it. Somehow i need to find the strength to pick myself up. My therapist already asked me how i felt about medication, but ive heard so many horror stories with depression medication, im not sure i could bring myself to take some.

[friend]

I feel bad for saying this but I think she's already made her choice. I know you love her deeply, but you need to start loving yourself too. You need to start finding yourself again, the self that you were without her, and begin to grieve her.

 

i would demand a paternity test after the birth and try to have little to no contact. Maybe just in terms of the child if you are interested in it being yours.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this and hurting so much. You deserve someone to love you as much as you love them and not have to lie and deceive about it.

 

 

I do need to find myself again, i put everything on the line for her. In the 2 years i barely ever went out, i've lost contact with about 95% of my friends and i've noticed ive changed alot, with this i've lost confidence in myself and i am a mess.

 

Her husband and I are both different races so we'd know whose baby it is when its born probably, i guess we will have to see what happens in 7 months.

[whichwayisup]

Start working out and do yoga if you don't want to take meds. Letting her ruin your life, both personally and professionally is NOT a good thing.

 

Her husband and I are both different races so we'd know whose baby it is when its born probably, i guess we will have to see what happens in 7 months.

 

With that said, then she's got to be sure it's his.

[Confused4Now]

Start working out and do yoga if you don't want to take meds. Letting her ruin your life, both personally and professionally is NOT a good thing.

 

Great advice!!! I can tell you it's helped me a lot. Depression medication sucked bigtime...I'll never want to go there again that's for sure. Fine other outlets.....

 

Another thing....There are 3 things in a relationship...there is the Do's, the Dont's and the Nevers.....only focus on the Do's when you are with her. Don't discuss your hopes and dreams and never go on her promises. After awhile you'll see things different and you won't be spiraling down on her words. Establish those boundaries NOW!!!!

[lkjh]

I do need to find myself again, i put everything on the line for her. In the 2 years i barely ever went out, i've lost contact with about 95% of my friends and i've noticed ive changed alot, with this i've lost confidence in myself and i am a mess.

 

Her husband and I are both different races so we'd know whose baby it is when its born probably, i guess we will have to see what happens in 7 months.

 

 

You never know, unless the races are completely different you may have trouble telling at a very young age. Either way you should still tell her H whats been going on

[Confused4Now]

I do need to find myself again, i put everything on the line for her. In the 2 years i barely ever went out, i've lost contact with about 95% of my friends and i've noticed ive changed alot, with this i've lost confidence in myself and i am a mess.

 

Her husband and I are both different races so we'd know whose baby it is when its born probably, i guess we will have to see what happens in 7 months.

Dood!!!! I'm dead serious....You really need to back way off cause trust me you will do something stupid and it's not worth it. I knocked on my MW's door 11/08 and look where it got me. Stampdaddy and I can totally relate to what you're going through. You sound like a great guy but you can't rescue her....you need to rescue yourself first.

 

Just read this thread.....and you might understand what you're dealing with.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t166043/

[friend]

You never know, unless the races are completely different you may have trouble telling at a very young age. Either way you should still tell her H whats been going on

 

I've been thinking about it alot, and i am not sure if i could knowingly ruin her marriage, if the child is her husband's how could i break up a family. I love her so much and even though she has put me in a very bad and sad place i dont think i could do that to her. Her husband would leave her, she would hate me, her family would be disappointed with her and she would have to raise the child on her own. I just cant bring myself to do that to her, i will always love her and in the end i just want her to be happy. I can only hope the child changes her husband to stop emotionally abusing her and they can just be happy, hurts so much just to type that ugh.

[friend]

Start working out and do yoga if you don't want to take meds. Letting her ruin your life, both personally and professionally is NOT a good thing.

 

 

 

With that said, then she's got to be sure it's his.

 

 

i am actually using my friends guest pass this coming week to see if i like the gym he goes to, i will be working out everyday after work to pass time, i am also looking into going back to school to keep me busy. I need to get my life back on track. I know my time with her is limited and i need to leave, i am getting myself ready.

[friend]

Dood!!!! I'm dead serious....You really need to back way off cause trust me you will do something stupid and it's not worth it. I knocked on my MW's door 11/08 and look where it got me. Stampdaddy and I can totally relate to what you're going through. You sound like a great guy but you can't rescue her....you need to rescue yourself first.

 

Just read this thread.....and you might understand what you're dealing with.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t166043/

 

 

Thanks for the thread, i read it. My MW gave me empty promises of christmas also. As well as saying she would be mine by my birthday, well that birthday was over a year ago and here we are in the same situation.

 

I tried everything i could to rescue her, she says i am her best friend, we spend a couple hours after work in the car or at the coffee shop just talking about everything thats going on in our lives, we spend so much time together i think she spends more time with me then her husband. Leaving her will be the hardest thing ive ever had to do but i know that day is coming and its something i have to do. My next therapy session is next wednesday and i think i will ask her how i should do it, i think its time for me to move on with my life. I let her choose and she chose him yet here i am still being there for her, it needs to stop and hopefully i can find a way to make it stop.

[bentnotbroken]

Thanks for the thread, i read it. My MW gave me empty promises of christmas also. As well as saying she would be mine by my birthday, well that birthday was over a year ago and here we are in the same situation.

 

I tried everything i could to rescue her, she says i am her best friend, we spend a couple hours after work in the car or at the coffee shop just talking about everything thats going on in our lives, we spend so much time together i think she spends more time with me then her husband. Leaving her will be the hardest thing ive ever had to do but i know that day is coming and its something i have to do. My next therapy session is next wednesday and i think i will ask her how i should do it, i think its time for me to move on with my life. I let her choose and she chose him yet here i am still being there for her, it needs to stop and hopefully i can find a way to make it stop.

 

 

How do you rescue someone from themselves?:confused:She is where she wants to be and you are willing ride the roller coaster of torture. Do you like the drama?

[lkjh]

I've been thinking about it alot, and i am not sure if i could knowingly ruin her marriage, if the child is her husband's how could i break up a family. I love her so much and even though she has put me in a very bad and sad place i dont think i could do that to her. Her husband would leave her, she would hate me, her family would be disappointed with her and she would have to raise the child on her own. I just cant bring myself to do that to her, i will always love her and in the end i just want her to be happy. I can only hope the child changes her husband to stop emotionally abusing her and they can just be happy, hurts so much just to type that ugh.

 

What if the H gets stuck raising your child? This is your only chance to do something right in this whole mess. This is your one chance to man up

[lkjh]

telling him wouldn't ruin there marriage, cheating does that. You willingly slept with his wife and now you are worried about their marriage?