2.50 a gallon Posted November 20, 2009 Share Posted November 20, 2009 (edited) I am hoping some on this board can lend some insight to this problem From the day she was born my GF was the prime care giver for her Grandaughter (GD). The child's mother is the demon druggie daughter (ddd) of my GF. The ddd was totally into drugs, partying etc, The ddd has hardly worked a day in her life, and got by on dealing drugs, prostituting and manipulating. She even had the state supplying her drugs. The ddd saw the GD simply as her meal ticket: welfare, food stamps. And being the birth mother knew all of her rights. We, the family and others saw the abuse and repeatedly tried to report the ddd to Child Welfare Services (CWS) We know that from about age 5 on the GD witnessed the ddd (she is bi) having sex numerous times. The ddd would then whip the GD. When CWS finally began to ask some questions, the ddd counter attacked and began accusing all she could think of as being child abusers and child molesters. The list is long, neighbors, boyfriends, ddd got mad at one of her girl friends and accused her 8 year old son, the ddd's father, the other grand parents, and my GF and I. Sadly CWS believed the ddd and never listened to anybody else. They shut us out completely and even refused to take reports from us. Even though we had inciminating police reports (note plural) of the ddd pulling a gun and threatening to kill everybody including the GD. There was even a drug deal that went bad with shots fired in the presence of the GD. Yes we kept a log and can document a lot of what went down. Eighteen months ago the truth came out, the ddd had been molested by the step grand father from age 10 - 12 in the most terrible way. He got a life time sentence. And the ddd and her BF were also molesting the GD. Their case is still in the courts system, though the BF has plead guilty. CWS has totally shut off all of the family from the GD and is trying to adopt her out. At first the GD's father, who is fighting for custody was allowed a few visits, so we know a few bits and pieces of what's been going down. CWS has contracted a child psychologist (CP) to work with the GD. But the CP is only getting her facts from CWS. For example they have told the CP that the GD's family consists of only my GF and another set of grand parents. And that we are all child molesters and have abandoned the child. The CP does not know that the GD's family also includes two living great grand parents, 3 great aunts, 2 great uncles and about a dozen cousins. In about three and half years the GD will be free to contact us again. We know one of her first acts after being taken by CWS was to run away and try to contact my GF, her grandmother. She got caught and was threatened to being sent to juvenile prison if she tried to contact her grand mother again. She was only 12 at that time. Question: What is going to happen to the GD's psyche when she finds out all the BS that she has been fed of the past 6 years is a lie. What kind of emotions is she going to experience when she finds out that she is not an abandoned child, and that it was CWS has put her in a prison from those who really loved and cared for her? What is she going to experience when she finds out that her great grand parents, whom she spent her first 10 Christmas's with have only just passed away in the past couple of years? I could go on but I think I have made my point. Edited November 20, 2009 by 2.50 a gallon Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted November 20, 2009 Share Posted November 20, 2009 Oh my God. What an absolutely horrific story. I hope first and foremost, you and your GF will take care of yourself. What YOU and her have been through is ALSO a trauma on several levels. I was molested starting as an infant by a family friend, then by a cousin, and thirdly a grandfather had tried. I can tell you, that I saw my parents go through a lot of the same patterns I did when finding out about my abuse as I did DEALING with the abuse. Finding out a child or a loved one has been sexually abused is a trauma. I think counselling will help you two to process and sort through and cope with the trauma you have been through with this. Secondly, that poor child. I imagine she is going to have a lot of anger and resentment by the time she is let out of the system. She may be very self destructive and hide herself under a layer that could mean anything from angry, hostile, vidictive behavior to passive, quiet, isolated. I know I kept myself "hidden" for many years. It doesn't feel "safe" to let the world see our vulnerable selves. I hope you are able to re unite with her and once again I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through. All of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2.50 a gallon Posted November 30, 2009 Author Share Posted November 30, 2009 h2h Thank you for your reply. We have a fantastic loving relationship. I am doing my best to find out what I can for a future reunion. Something I can say to give her hope when she gets down in the dumps. Unfortunately conseling was a total bust, and only made matters worse. She has so much raw anger towards her daughter, that it used to scare me should the two of the meet. She wanted to maim her ddd. She knew this was not right and sought out counseling as she wanted to find a way to work through this anger. The first counseler flat warned my GF not to tell her how deep the anger was as she would have to report my GF to the proper authorities if she felt my GF presented a danger to her ddd. My GF basically told her "Help me, I am so angry with my ddd that I am afraid that I might maim her." And the counselor told her to say no more, or else she would be required to report my GF to the police. AFter a couple of sessions my GF gave it up. I talked her into trying a second counselor, where she got the same response. A total dead end, that only made matters worse. That is why I am looking for any tidbit to give my GF hope. For the past year her only release on her dark days is to clean house until she is exhausted. Odd, as with me, she has a loving man who does wash dishes and clean the bathroom, but I have to back off and leave her things to do. Though I do wash all of the dishes, but when it comes time to do the floors and the bathroom, I do not do a thorough job, because I love her. Link to post Share on other sites
deux ex machina Posted November 30, 2009 Share Posted November 30, 2009 I might be able to shed some light: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2507047&postcount=21 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2401631#post2401631 To let you know I have been through similar. It's not an easy thing to reveal, and something I am only now coming to terms with. However, there are distinct differences between what happened there, and what is happening to GD. She has you, and she will not be left on the streets to fend for herself...there are so many differences, the only real similarity is that both of us were in the system. She has you. She just does not know that yet. ---------- I don't understand something, though - how could services adopt her out? They couldn't when I was there, not without the parent(s) explicitly signing away their 'rights'. Mine never did, so I had to stay in the system. What type of facility is she in? Link to post Share on other sites
deux ex machina Posted November 30, 2009 Share Posted November 30, 2009 (edited) ... In about three and half years the GD will be free to contact us again. We know one of her first acts after being taken by CWS was to run away and try to contact my GF, her grandmother. She got caught and was threatened to being sent to juvenile prison if she tried to contact her grand mother again. She was only 12 at that time. Question: What is going to happen to the GD's psyche when she finds out all the BS that she has been fed of the past 6 years is a lie. What kind of emotions is she going to experience when she finds out that she is not an abandoned child, and that it was CWS has put her in a prison from those who really loved and cared for her? What is she going to experience when she finds out that her great grand parents, whom she spent her first 10 Christmas's with have only just passed away in the past couple of years? I could go on but I think I have made my point. ...That is why I am looking for any tidbit to give my GF hope. For the past year her only release on her dark days is to clean house until she is exhausted. Odd, as with me, she has a loving man who does wash dishes and clean the bathroom, but I have to back off and leave her things to do. Though I do wash all of the dishes, but when it comes time to do the floors and the bathroom, I do not do a thorough job, because I love her. She will have a lot to work through, no doubt about it - however she will have your support. That is wonderful. There is every reason to have hope. H2H has it right, in that there is a need to hide and not be vulnerable. Safety will be important, and make an big effort to try not to make her feel shame, different, or stigmatized. Any triggers like that. That could come up with her, and make her bury everything. If she has a sweet side to her personality like I do, she might be VERY sensitive to the fact that if she tells anything, and it is painful to your GF to hear, she could shut down to protect your GF and feel really bad about it...so it is important that your GF not freak out when she hears the GD say anything. It's possible she will need to hear the truth again and again, and tell the truth again and again. She will need to know you won't give up on her. There is a lot you can do to help this girl. Edited November 30, 2009 by deux ex machina Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted November 30, 2009 Share Posted November 30, 2009 I am hoping some on this board can lend some insight to this problem Question: What is going to happen to the GD's psyche when she finds out all the BS that she has been fed of the past 6 years is a lie. What kind of emotions is she going to experience when she finds out that she is not an abandoned child, and that it was CWS has put her in a prison from those who really loved and cared for her? What is she going to experience when she finds out that her great grand parents, whom she spent her first 10 Christmas's with have only just passed away in the past couple of years? I could go on but I think I have made my point. Sadly I would say that there is a high probability that this child could end up leading a criminal lifestyle/have severely fractured relationships if she is not helped to secure a stable environment. The biggest factors will be her temperment and how you present yourselves to the legal world. As hard as it is, dont get involved in the stories that are going about and present the fact that you can offer a drama free environment. With play therapy and lots of support at home and school, she can make it through all of this. Most definately! The old saying love conquers all is true. Thinking about you all, Eve xx Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2.50 a gallon Posted December 7, 2009 Author Share Posted December 7, 2009 Again I thank you for your replies. They were as I feared. Unfortunately from about age 9 on she has had limited contact with us. The ddd moved in with her BF, and he is a total control freak. He would not let the ddd and the GD see any of their family. About the only time the GD got out of the apartment was when she went to school, then she had to come straight home and stay in the apartment. She was not allowed out to play even during summer vacation. This went on for over 2 years, even the school made a report with us to CWS but they never investigated. Usually around Christmas, the ddd would let us take her out to look at the lights, and come over to make cookies, thought the last Christmas, I mixed up the dough here, and the GF took it and the cutters and icing of to their place. And once we were able to take her to a family get together with her great grand parents, great uncle & aunts and cousins. Other than that the child did not get to celebrate Christmas. The last year the jerk tried to totally cut her off from Christmas, with only a couple of days to spare the ddd let my GF bring over a tree and some decorations and her presents. About the only other times we got to see her was when the ddd and her BF would get into a fight, and then we would go and get them, but that only lasted at the most a day. The ddd's BF would not even let the GD's real father see her, for a couple of years. This is making it harder on his attempt to get custody as the state is claiming that he had abandoned her. As to the abuse, it was terrible, we have read the police reports, where the scum admitted and told the police all of the details. Rumour has it scum did not last more than a year in prison before the other prisoners got to him. As to the adoption, the state is claiming that the real father abandoned her, and the ddd who is in jail awaiting trial did sign over her rights to the state. She was a loving child, at one time was interested in everything, we have her cat, hopefully she will remember him. And hopefully she will remember the times we took out to see Santa, and Christmas lights, and the times we planted flowers. The scary part is while the molestation was going on, she did have a few chances to talk to us alone and could have said something. Yes I kind of know why she didn't, but I am worried that those same reasons, might make her hestitate to contact us when she is able to Link to post Share on other sites
deux ex machina Posted December 9, 2009 Share Posted December 9, 2009 ...Usually around Christmas, the ddd would let us take her out to look at the lights, and come over to make cookies, thought the last Christmas, I mixed up the dough here, and the GF took it and the cutters and icing of to their place. And once we were able to take her to a family get together with her great grand parents, great uncle & aunts and cousins. Other than that the child did not get to celebrate Christmas. The last year the jerk tried to totally cut her off from Christmas, with only a couple of days to spare the ddd let my GF bring over a tree and some decorations and her presents. (((hugs))) ...She was a loving child, at one time was interested in everything, we have her cat, hopefully she will remember him. And hopefully she will remember the times we took out to see Santa, and Christmas lights, and the times we planted flowers. She will remember. She won't forget you. The scary part is while the molestation was going on, she did have a few chances to talk to us alone and could have said something. Yes I kind of know why she didn't, but I am worried that those same reasons, might make her hestitate to contact us when she is able to I'm wondering if she can contact you in the meantime, and when she is able to, will she have your contact information? This is horrid. I'm so sorry all of this has happened I can't begin to say. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2.50 a gallon Posted December 10, 2009 Author Share Posted December 10, 2009 She might have forgotten our address and phone number, but we are in the phone book CWS does somehow keep a tight grip on her. A couple of months ago she was able to mail a letter to her father which in essence said she wanted to know the truth She has had to make several court apperances since, and even though she is sitting in the gallery, CWS keeps her well guarded by many handlers. His father (her grandfather) was able to talk to her for a second, before they moved her to safety. She was able to say she can't talk to them Link to post Share on other sites
Toki Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 You want the short of it? No. She will struggle with this her entire life. The damage has been done. The Long Story. She will always love and cherish both you and her Grandmother. You are special to her, and will always remain so. Take heart, and take care (and if the opportunity presents itself, take care of her). Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 Question: What is going to happen to the GD's psyche when she finds out all the BS that she has been fed of the past 6 years is a lie. What kind of emotions is she going to experience when she finds out that she is not an abandoned child, and that it was CWS has put her in a prison from those who really loved and cared for her? I think I have made my point. Yes, you have made the point clear about what happens when people call Child Welfare Services (CWS). Genius!!! About the six years and the lies, she probabably forgot all about you by now and you are strangers. Link to post Share on other sites
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