Why humans can say never

[RedDevil66]

They knew about the pain all along, no need to learn, and if they went through something traumatic as "experiencing" the pain, then the second time around it will be not as traumatic.

 

That will certainly not stop them, and the external didn't work before.

 

The only way things won't happen again is if the circumstances won't repeat.

 

you know that feeling one gets when they hear nails run down a chalk board, this is the same reaction I get when I read your posts!

[Snowflower]

Interesting thread...

 

I am in the 'never say never' camp. I've just seen and experienced too many weird things in my life to say, 'oh, that would never happen.'

 

I will say this though...I would never have an affair after what I have experienced with my H's affair and after what I have read about affairs in general and after reading LS for the past several months. There is just too much pain associated with affairs, no matter which side of the 'triangle' a person is on.

 

LS should be required reading for anyone contemplating an affair, IMO.

 

I don't need any more pain in my life. The last few years of my life have been so painful already (and I'm not just talking about my H's affair) that I would not put myself in the position of being another painful situation, especially an affair. I'm not a glutton for punishment! And I certainly would not want to cause any pain for anyone else.

[Snowflower]

They knew about the pain all along, no need to learn, and if they went through something traumatic as "experiencing" the pain, then the second time around it will be not as traumatic.

 

That will certainly not stop them, and the external didn't work before.

 

The only way things won't happen again is if the circumstances won't repeat.

 

 

So no one can learn from their mistakes or through experience and do things differently the next time around?

[Ariadne]

By the way, when I was 18, I swore I would never eat red meat of pig again, I'm 43 and still not eaten either. And I say I'll never eat them again.

 

This is such a silly thing to say.

 

If you were in a snow field for days with no food and found yourself in front of pig chops you'd devour them.

[RedDevil66]

This is such a silly thing to say.

 

If you were in a snow field for days with no food and found yourself in front of pig chops you'd devour them.

 

 

Your theory is so very real, because Lord knows I'll be in a snow field without food for DAYS (humans can survive without food for days) and just as I walk through this snow field will come along a little pig. And I'll wrestle that little snow pig to the ground and slaughter it for food.

 

Why would a pig be in a snow field?

 

LOL......oh man! and what I said was silly! HAHAHA There is that piercing noise in my ears again!

[Ariadne]

So no one can learn from their mistakes or through experience and do things differently the next time around?

 

The tendencies only tend to augment with time.

 

For behaviors to change there would have to happen a chance in consciousness, but those changes are independent of the person.

[jennie-jennie]

My MM was one of those who said he would NEVER have an affair. He has had to revise this.

 

I believe what happened to us happens to many. We were once highschool sweethearts. The love was already there.

[threebyfate]

herenow, I wanted to thank-you for this thread. It gave me a Eureka moment of why I find cheating so repulsive. My exposure to cheating was due to infidelity from my ex-H, who had at the time, an undiagnosed disorder. Somehow, I've correlated cheating to a mental illness, that only the mentally ill would cheat or be involved with a cheater. Now that I know this, I have to decide what to do with this information.

[RedDevil66]

herenow, I wanted to thank-you for this thread. It gave me a Eureka moment of why I find cheating so repulsive. My exposure to cheating was due to infidelity from my ex-H, who had at the time, an undiagnosed disorder. Somehow, I've correlated cheating to a mental illness, that only the mentally ill would cheat or be involved with a cheater. Now that I know this, I have to decide what to do with this information.

 

The most sane can/do cheat, it's those that continue to do it or get pleasure out of this act is when it becomes a psychological issue.

Edited November 22, 2009 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[NoIDidn't]

REALLY NID, 10 years from now you could be a crack whore walking the street sleeping with anyone for $10!

 

I don't understand the logic of: YOU can neve say never because I said it once then ended up doing it anyway because I wanted to. What about the people who said never and never did. My reasons aren't necessarily moral ones as they are VERY personal ones. Does the reason behind ones convictions have any bearing on ones ability to stick to them?

 

 

 

LMAO!

 

Me? A crack whore?

 

Yeah, I'd say NEVER to that EASY! LOL.

[fooled once]

Man, lots of defensive people because some people stand by their convictions and beliefs.

 

Doesn't make anyone better than or more God like. Just means they stand by their beliefs. I stand by the belief there is a God and a Hell. No one can convince me differently. I can say I will NEVER believe differently. Because that is my PERSONAL belief but it doesn't make me better than someone who says they will NEVER believe there is a Heaven.

 

Each person is entitled to their own beliefs. What's the big freaking deal?

 

No one is taunting anyone. People are getting defensive because someone can say from their heart they will never engage in an affair.

 

I can say without a doubt, as long as I am married, I will NEVER engage in an affair. I know this because that is "MY PERSONAL BELIEF". Doesn't mean I am better than anyone; just means I wouldn't do it.

 

Geez....

 

I don't believe the "it just happened" stuff. Bunch of baloney. We all have free will. We can make our own choices. No one forces us to fall in love with someone who is already married. No one forces us to take that step and cross the line and have sex with someone who is married. Each person has their own choices.

 

But, as a "human" when I make decisions, I think about how my actions will effect other "humans". I think that is what so many people who see affairs as wrong and destructive can't understand. How anyone can do something knowing that someone (maybe even themselves) could get hurt. A person doesn't need to be a BS, AP or ever involved in an affair to think they are wrong, they just have to be "human"

Human vs humane. I was brought up to believe to treat others as I want to be treated. I would never intentionally do something to hurt another person. I can say NEVER. I may unintentionally hurt someone, but I don't have it in me to be vindictive, cruel or abusive. I DO think about how my actions affect others; almost to my own detriment at times. I think people who don't care who they hurt in order to get them what they want are yucky people. I don't choose to associate with people who are so hell bent on fulfilling their needs/desires/wants that they are destructive and hurtful to others.

 

IF I ever wanted to cheat on my H, I would divorce first. I can say that without hesitation and without a doubt. It is just who I am. Doesn't mean I am better than anyone. Just for ME, it is my personal code.

 

I can't say I would never commit murder - if someone intentionally killed my child, I would kill them without hesitation. I would give up my life in a heart beat to save my child.

 

Some can say they would never steal. I can't say that because I don't know if one day, I find myself so destitute, so poor, so broken that I may resort to stealing for food or something.

 

For me - it is about 'right and wrong'. I have my own set of what I feel is right and wrong and it may not be the same for someone else.

 

No 2 people are exactly alike. No 2 people share the same morals and values. Many people despise cheaters. Many people despise liars. Many people despise self centered people. Many people despise various attributes people have.

 

I have 2 very good friends who have been happily married for 5 years and their marriage is the result of an affair. They are meant for each other and I love them both dearly. Both of them regret HOW they came to be together and wish it hadn't happened the way it did. But it did and it is done and over with.

 

Why does there always have to be such 'fighting' and defensiveness just because people say they would "never" cheat or they aren't 'made' to cheat? Why can't it just be accepted at that is what their belief is? Why do people have to start with "must be nice to be so God like" or "must be nice to be so perfect"? Why must that stuff start?

[White Flower]

It is a generalization and when people express their greatness through self-righteous tough love, other people tend to expect more from them.

 

What's funny is, I've seen their behavior make people more defensive defeating the purpose of what they say they're trying to do. So, I wonder if the taunting is really for the OW/OM.

Gotchya;). Thanks for clarifying.

[GreenEyedLady]

I guess I think that "pride comes before a fall."

 

JMHO

 

GEL

[White Flower]

I guess I think that "pride comes before a fall."

 

JMHO

 

GEL

Your opinion speaks volumes and I agree with it.

[MizFit]

Man, lots of defensive people because some people stand by their convictions and beliefs.

 

Doesn't make anyone better than or more God like. Just means they stand by their beliefs. I stand by the belief there is a God and a Hell. No one can convince me differently. I can say I will NEVER believe differently. Because that is my PERSONAL belief but it doesn't make me better than someone who says they will NEVER believe there is a Heaven.

 

Each person is entitled to their own beliefs. What's the big freaking deal?

 

No one is taunting anyone. People are getting defensive because someone can say from their heart they will never engage in an affair.

 

I can say without a doubt, as long as I am married, I will NEVER engage in an affair. I know this because that is "MY PERSONAL BELIEF". Doesn't mean I am better than anyone; just means I wouldn't do it.

 

Geez....

 

I don't believe the "it just happened" stuff. Bunch of baloney. We all have free will. We can make our own choices. No one forces us to fall in love with someone who is already married. No one forces us to take that step and cross the line and have sex with someone who is married. Each person has their own choices.

 

Human vs humane. I was brought up to believe to treat others as I want to be treated. I would never intentionally do something to hurt another person. I can say NEVER. I may unintentionally hurt someone, but I don't have it in me to be vindictive, cruel or abusive. I DO think about how my actions affect others; almost to my own detriment at times. I think people who don't care who they hurt in order to get them what they want are yucky people. I don't choose to associate with people who are so hell bent on fulfilling their needs/desires/wants that they are destructive and hurtful to others.

 

IF I ever wanted to cheat on my H, I would divorce first. I can say that without hesitation and without a doubt. It is just who I am. Doesn't mean I am better than anyone. Just for ME, it is my personal code.

 

I can't say I would never commit murder - if someone intentionally killed my child, I would kill them without hesitation. I would give up my life in a heart beat to save my child.

 

Some can say they would never steal. I can't say that because I don't know if one day, I find myself so destitute, so poor, so broken that I may resort to stealing for food or something.

 

For me - it is about 'right and wrong'. I have my own set of what I feel is right and wrong and it may not be the same for someone else.

 

No 2 people are exactly alike. No 2 people share the same morals and values. Many people despise cheaters. Many people despise liars. Many people despise self centered people. Many people despise various attributes people have.

 

I have 2 very good friends who have been happily married for 5 years and their marriage is the result of an affair. They are meant for each other and I love them both dearly. Both of them regret HOW they came to be together and wish it hadn't happened the way it did. But it did and it is done and over with.

 

Why does there always have to be such 'fighting' and defensiveness just because people say they would "never" cheat or they aren't 'made' to cheat? Why can't it just be accepted at that is what their belief is? Why do people have to start with "must be nice to be so God like" or "must be nice to be so perfect"? Why must that stuff start?

 

Maybe the defensive part came in when OW/OM have basically been called lowlife and inhumane. I can't imagine why anyone would take offense...the tone of the thread was set at the OP and it's just carried on. Some BS and BW have come onto this site and have participated in threads and let OW/OM know how wrong and low they are...they refuse to listen to anyone who doesn't sniffle and grovel. OW and OM are constantly trying to defend themselves against these posters...as GEL says-pride comes before the fall.

[jj33]

Oh my its just HER OPINION. And youve all taken the bait... Herenow should be very flattered that so many people have gotten so riled up simply because she has has posted "her opinion" (inflammatory tho it may be).

[OpenBook]

I guess I think that "pride comes before a fall."

 

JMHO

 

GEL

 

I'm wondering if the "fall" has already happened (although perhaps in a different manner than described here)... and this is a way to restore some of that pride. Y'know, kinda like "getting what you want at the expense of others."

 

JMO.

[Virgo1982]

Oh my its just HER OPINION. And youve all taken the bait... Herenow should be very flattered that so many people have gotten so riled up simply because she has has posted "her opinion" (inflammatory tho it may be).

 

Could be, but I have seen people throw the line out and catch all sorts of things they never expected to catch. Do you always know what will happen when you committ yourself to something or do you never know what will happen? Dealing in absolutes is so frustrating and painful.

[Virgo1982]

I'm wondering if the "fall" has already happened (although perhaps in a different manner than described here)... and this is a way to restore some of that pride. Y'know, kinda like "getting what you want at the expense of others."

 

JMO.

 

Yeah, go with that.

[kis]

I used to think I was never capable of having an affair until I did. I am still not sure why I let my feelings override my logic. I felt hurt, lonely, vulnerable, and vengeful (sp?). My H had just had an affair and my relationship with my now ex-coworker and XOM had progressed into an EA. I didn't even know what an EA was until I came to LS after my A ended. I think most people are capable of having an A under certain circumstances. Yes I could have said no at the time it progressed to a PA but in the heat of the moment and all the memories of my H's infidelity, how I was being treated by him, etc. I just didn't care human/humane or not.

 

I have to agree totally with you. I certainly never thought myself capable of an affiar. I still believe it could have never happened if my husband had not had one first. It breaks down all you confidence in your self. An EA starts as freinds and of course their is nothing wrong with having someone to talk to you so very badly need. But before you know its happened you start having feelings. To end this freindship now means dening yourself the one thing that makes you feel special, attractive, and feel happy and smile just a little. It is incredably hard and I dont think many people could just walk away.

[threebyfate]

I used to think I was never capable of having an affair until I did. I am still not sure why I let my feelings override my logic. I felt hurt, lonely, vulnerable, and vengeful (sp?). My H had just had an affair and my relationship with my now ex-coworker and XOM had progressed into an EA. I didn't even know what an EA was until I came to LS after my A ended. I think most people are capable of having an A under certain circumstances. Yes I could have said no at the time it progressed to a PA but in the heat of the moment and all the memories of my H's infidelity, how I was being treated by him, etc. I just didn't care human/humane or not.

I was the same way after D-day and yet didn't have a revenge affair. Instead I got my pound of flesh and blood directly from the ex and the OW.

 

Different people react to crisis in different ways.

[justforfun]

Saying never is just ignorance.

 

So despite not knowing every one of the 7 billion people in this world you are convinced that they all have the potential to engage in an affair?

 

Everyone is capable of doing something so particular? How far do we take this? What else is everyone capable of doing? We could really take this to the ridiculous and hang around there for a while.

[justforfun]

 

Why does there always have to be such 'fighting' and defensiveness just because people say they would "never" cheat or they aren't 'made' to cheat? Why can't it just be accepted at that is what their belief is? Why do people have to start with "must be nice to be so God like" or "must be nice to be so perfect"? Why must that stuff start?

 

Cheating is a choice just as not cheating is a choice. FO makes the point that she would never make the choice to cheat. Just as others have illustrated that they would make the choice to cheat.

 

Why is that the OW are right and FO is wrong?

[justforfun]

I don't believe the "it just happened" stuff. Bunch of baloney. We all have free will. We can make our own choices. No one forces us to fall in love with someone who is already married. No one forces us to take that step and cross the line and have sex with someone who is married. Each person has their own choices.

 

You've said this before FO. And I absolutely agree with you. It's a choice that two people make. No one forces anyone into it.

[kis]

I was the same way after D-day and yet didn't have a revenge affair. Instead I got my pound of flesh and blood directly from the ex and the OW.

 

Different people react to crisis in different ways.

 

It was never intended to be revenge. I would never set out to just have an affiar out of revenge. It was more of a needs thing. It helped me heal from the most devastating thing i have ever been thru. I have to say no one ever knew or was hurt by it. This was many years ago.