Mel001 Posted November 20, 2009 Share Posted November 20, 2009 How should one deal with a bitter andf cynical person? Does fighting fire with fire help when it comes to a bitter person? Or should you be positive about them, aknowledging their positive qualities and make them feel appreciated? Will they appreciate it? Ignore them maybe? Explain to them that their behaviour stinks? What is the best way to come in terms with a bitter person that all they have to say is in a cynical way? Link to post Share on other sites
deux ex machina Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 Do you have bitter or cynical traits that you don't like about yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 IT depends what they are bitter about. IF it was a recent incident and its temporarily re-arranged their judgment then ask them to expand upon the reasoning. Example: Bitter because their bf was caught being unfaithfull, IF they are cynical, even a person with an extremist attitude has some truth to their statements, get to that truth and then toss a bit of realism in the mix. Example: Cynical that the world is just doom and gloom, by golly listen to the news, the terror, the inhumanity some endure! Then remind them about the Pilot who landed the plane in the Hudson, The Person who donated the kidney, The Doctor who discovered a vaccine for Polio. Some folks cant be cured from cynism, but it can be tempered with listening and re-adjusting (echoing) just where they came to that conclusion. A co worker of mine FLips me out when someone is on a negative nelly speil, He just keeps 'Ohh absolutely!!!" , at some point the person just looks at him like...are you just going to keep agreeing with me so I can gloat some more or are you being serious...HE responds "Ohh Absolutely!!!" I laugh so hard because I know the co-worker could careless about the cynic, he just has learned how to diffuse the gripping person. I base it though primarily on How important that person and the current relationship is.....Not that folks arent important, just some are worth the time and effort and some folks havent the time of day to listen to reason. you decide. Link to post Share on other sites
mem11363 Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 Silence can be the most powerful response to inappropriate behavior. Sometimes when someone says something raw and you just don't respond at all and it just hangs out there - they really hear themselves and realize how ugly it is. How should one deal with a bitter andf cynical person? Does fighting fire with fire help when it comes to a bitter person? Or should you be positive about them, aknowledging their positive qualities and make them feel appreciated? Will they appreciate it? Ignore them maybe? Explain to them that their behaviour stinks? What is the best way to come in terms with a bitter person that all they have to say is in a cynical way? Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 The best answer is to avoid them. I have a co-worker I have to work very closely with who is bitter, mopey, and difficult on a daily basis. I have no choice but to work with her as we are partners. I have to take road trips with her and even share hotels with her because of our positions. In her case, I avoid her when I can and deal with her when I must. It's always important to keep in mind that their disposition has nothing to do with you- and it's not your responsibility to cure them. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 Some people are just at their happiest when complaining, being bitter and negative. It has nothing to do with you, it's a reflection of what's going on inside them and their own issues. Whether it be jealously, competition, insecurity or if someone is depressed.. The best way to handle it is ignore the bad stuff and avoid them, if possible. Don't try to give advice, they won't hear it and it'll probably just piss them off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mel001 Posted November 21, 2009 Author Share Posted November 21, 2009 An acquaintance of mine is bitter and I don't know how to deal with him. In the beginning, I just got pissed off as well and I fired back, then he fired more, and so on...really destructive. Now I've come to think that maybe that wasn't the best way to deal with him. At the end of the day, he's the bitter one, and he's the one that can't control it. We meet some times at parties or when we go out all together, he's a common friend with my friends and sometimes we discuss and it gets heated up very soon and he starts being cynical at everything I have to say. And if I fire back at him then he explodes. A bit difficult to avoid talking to him. I don't hate him or anything, but I jsut think that he has something against me because he's not like that with everyone else. I'm also a person that can't stand lots of BS and maybe, I think, this is why he has come to behave like that towards me. Maybe I should be like everybody else, accepting and kind? Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 Mel, would you kindly give an example of this persons bitter comments? I'm trying to grasp whether this person is just an argumentative type that is high on debating or if they are cynical and bitter on various levels, be it from the way a service (waitress) presents things to the imperfections of the common man.... Again, sometimes empathy for their position is easily weighed in once you get the idea of what they are trying to convey....Your thoughts and perception in clarifying are appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mel001 Posted November 21, 2009 Author Share Posted November 21, 2009 He's bitter because of old relationships, women etc. So he has a tendency to be cynical towards women. So if we have a discussion about relationships then he replies always with sarcasm, or "whatever" or "ya ok, so typical of you" and he never ever warms up to me. He's very uptight and ready to explode. I want to be in terms with him and to be able to go out all together without me feeling like the "evil" one cause he's like that towards me but not towards others. He can be really kind with other women, but I think that these other women are kind towards him and they just never confront him. I think that the fact that I have confronted him has made him so uptight towards me. Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 He's bitter because of old relationships, women etc. So he has a tendency to be cynical towards women. So if we have a discussion about relationships then he replies always with sarcasm, or "whatever" or "ya ok, so typical of you" and he never ever warms up to me. He's very uptight and ready to explode. I want to be in terms with him and to be able to go out all together without me feeling like the "evil" one cause he's like that towards me but not towards others. He can be really kind with other women, but I think that these other women are kind towards him and they just never confront him. I think that the fact that I have confronted him has made him so uptight towards me. So he's getting a reward from them for his behaviour. Essentially, by responding with kindness and patience towards him, they're behaving like rescuers - which makes victimhood a cosy feeling place for him. Maybe I should be like everybody else, accepting and kind? If he's surrounded by nothing but rescuers, he will continue to stagnate. Take someone who challenges him into the equation, and it adds in a little drama. Suddenly there's a "persecutor" in the equation, which gives him opportunities to vent more vigorously while the rescuers acknowledge his suffering and apply the salve of kindness and tolerance. Which will never fix him, of course, but which does make him feel good as long as he's getting it. If you don't want to be part of that drama - either as a rescuer, persecutor or victim of his venting, all you can do is react to him with fairly clinical detachment. The moment you find yourself getting emotional about someone like that (and of course it's very hard not to if they decide they want to suck you into their ongoing drama and misery) then you're getting sucked into their negative world. The moment you give yourself the task of trying to change their behaviour, you're drawn into something you don't need to be involved in. Although I can understand feelings of impatience towards female acquaintances who react to this guy with kindness and tolerance, the reality is that it's probably easy for them to do that because they don't particularly care that he's embittered and miserable. They perhaps recognise that ultimately it's not their problem. By challenging it, you send a message to him that you're prepared to take it on as your problem. I don't think there's anything you can do to change the outlook of someone like this. All you can do is focus on your response to it. If you find yourself dwelling on his behaviour, distract yourself with a more pleasant activity. If you have to spend time in his company, minimise your direct dealings with him. It's only human to want to take a verbal swipe at someone like that from time to time, but doing your best to resist that urge will be better for you. I agree with you about not responding in the kind, tolerant way you see from his other female acquaintances. You can steer clear of conflict with him, without resorting to pandering behaviour which simply rewards (and therefore reinforces) his miserable outlook. Link to post Share on other sites
freestyle Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 So he's getting a reward from them for his behaviour. Essentially, by responding with kindness and patience towards him, they're behaving like rescuers - which makes victimhood a cosy feeling place for him. If he's surrounded by nothing but rescuers, he will continue to stagnate. Take someone who challenges him into the equation, and it adds in a little drama. Suddenly there's a "persecutor" in the equation, which gives him opportunities to vent more vigorously while the rescuers acknowledge his suffering and apply the salve of kindness and tolerance. Which will never fix him, of course, but which does make him feel good as long as he's getting it. If you don't want to be part of that drama - either as a rescuer, persecutor or victim of his venting, all you can do is react to him with fairly clinical detachment. The moment you find yourself getting emotional about someone like that (and of course it's very hard not to if they decide they want to suck you into their ongoing drama and misery) then you're getting sucked into their negative world. The moment you give yourself the task of trying to change their behaviour, you're drawn into something you don't need to be involved in. Although I can understand feelings of impatience towards female acquaintances who react to this guy with kindness and tolerance, the reality is that it's probably easy for them to do that because they don't particularly care that he's embittered and miserable. They perhaps recognise that ultimately it's not their problem. By challenging it, you send a message to him that you're prepared to take it on as your problem. I don't think there's anything you can do to change the outlook of someone like this. All you can do is focus on your response to it. If you find yourself dwelling on his behaviour, distract yourself with a more pleasant activity. If you have to spend time in his company, minimise your direct dealings with him. It's only human to want to take a verbal swipe at someone like that from time to time, but doing your best to resist that urge will be better for you. I agree with you about not responding in the kind, tolerant way you see from his other female acquaintances. You can steer clear of conflict with him, without resorting to pandering behaviour which simply rewards (and therefore reinforces) his miserable outlook. This is spot-on, couldn't have said it better myself. (BTW, Taramere, love the new avatar!) Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted November 21, 2009 Share Posted November 21, 2009 (edited) This is spot-on, couldn't have said it better myself. (BTW, Taramere, love the new avatar!) Haha, thank you. Lately I've been having to deal with the complaints of a very angry person who's going through some kind of narcissistic/paranoid meltdown. The avatar sums up how I see that person, as I read through his outraged, hyperbole filled correspondence. The advice I gave to Mel pretty much sums up how I've decided to deal with him. Ugh, on second thoughts. Now I'm going to be reminded of him every time I look at the avatar. I'm taking it down at once. Edited November 21, 2009 by Taramere Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted November 22, 2009 Share Posted November 22, 2009 Actions speak louder then any words. Take the opportunity when it arises to disprove this guys cynical concept thru action. Example: I had a guy friend that insisted "every women wanted him because of his money". He was well to do because he was miserly!!! So one day we met for lunch. I paid my share and split the check. The Next time, he was "cough" - short on cash, so he borrowed money. After about a year of his rantings, I had the chance to be at a social gathering where he went on and on about how women really were moneymongers...I politely walked over and said hmmmm....so the time I paid my lunches, Drove you back and forth on my gas, and paid for your dinner when you *cough* forgot your wallet conveniently on your dresser, I was a moneymonger? Interesting....mind paying me back now the 50bucks you Borrowed and never gave back, or should I chalk this up to your reasoning of how women want you for your money? SOmetimes you gotta call the devil out and set the record straight. No more then two weeks later he actually came up to my desk and told me how that scenario set him straight. Sometimes you gotta serve the humble pie cold . I said great! Now how about the 50 bucks and an apology to the Ladies you insulted. Neither has happened yet, but boy oh boy if I am within earshot of his ranting all I gotta do is say fifty bucks and he shuts up quick OUr friendship is cool though because when he dates a lady that is clearly a moneymonger I joke with him and say ahh you caught another one to validate your opinion, well done lad. You never learn do ya.... Lesson done. Link to post Share on other sites
Kic Posted December 6, 2009 Share Posted December 6, 2009 From the details you gave, approaching this may be similar to dealing with an impossible person. http://www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Impossible-People Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mel001 Posted December 10, 2009 Author Share Posted December 10, 2009 Kic, your post was such a piece of gold. The contents of the link you posted are being absorbed to the maximum!! Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted December 10, 2009 Share Posted December 10, 2009 How should one deal with a bitter andf cynical person? Does fighting fire with fire help when it comes to a bitter person? Or should you be positive about them, aknowledging their positive qualities and make them feel appreciated? Will they appreciate it? Ignore them maybe? Explain to them that their behaviour stinks? What is the best way to come in terms with a bitter person that all they have to say is in a cynical way? I think it all depends on how close you are to the person. For example, a good friend of mine always used to go on about how rubbish men are. I must admit that I tended to agree on many of her points - she does have a way with words.. but it was really consuming her. Anyhow, the other day I suggested that we do up her house a bit because her sons are quite useless on such matters and she is on her own. She was really into doing up her home until her relationship ended you see, like two years ago. She declined our help (being rather a proud person) but since starting the decorating herself a lot of the bitterness has gone. We talked the other night and she was telling me that she is starting to feel a lot better now.. So, I dont know. Heartbreak is serious and can damage a person. Maybe if we can unlock something they have stopped doing and get them to start on that again then they can begin to heal? Another example.. I knew a lady who was as miserable as **** and she was in a relationship with a guy that actually was an alright guy. They had a house to die for as well. She was NEVER happy and in the end I couldnt be bothered with her. She also made a rather pathetic play for my Hubby too. So go with your gut instinct.. but an authentic challenge really would be the way to go if the person is actually a good friend. I know that my girlfriends help me to get back on track if I am on a bit of a downer that goes on a bit too long. The OP probably is the only one at the mo in place to do this but if the person doesnt appreciate you.. there is no choice but to leave them to it methinks. Take care, Eve xx Link to post Share on other sites
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