Just too damaged

[InmanRoshi]

I’m 28 years old, and I haven’t had a committed relationship with a girl in 10 years. I was in high school, my only true monogamous girlfriend. In fact, I have only been involved romantically with two girls in my entire life. The girl I dated in high school that I mentioned previously, and another girl in college that I fell in love with (and who broke my heart). The girl I dated in high school wasn’t that big of a deal in hindsight, it was just hormonal teenagers being hormonal. I can’t say we were very compatible on anything other than a sexual and physical level. The girl in college, I fell pretty hard for. We were extremely close friends who got romantically involved, but she decided she wanted to pursue a relationship with another guy instead. Hey, them’s the breaks, as they say. Everybody has their heartbroken, I understand that. That’s part of life. But I just never was the same. I just shut myself off from everyone, including my friends. From that point on, women kind of scared me.

 

For one thing, I’m not very good in the two romantic relationships I had. I get a lot of anxiety around girls, and it affected me in all parts of my life. When I was dating the girl in high school, I dropped from 1st in my class grade ranking to 30th (and we only dated for 6 months). Thank God I was accepted into college before I met her. I would skip school just to be with her, but oddly enough I would get so much anxiety just holding her that I used to shake. I would feel a deep sense of relief whenever we parted, as though I were off the hook somehow. When I fell for the girl in college, I went from a 3.80 GPA, to going on academic suspension (we were involved casually and formally for about a year … although I would never considered her an official “girlfriend” as she was never totally committed to a relationship with me). After that, I figured I should probably stay away from getting involved with relationships with women until I got my priorities in order. I avoided them for the rest of my collegiate career, and graduated after a couple of years. Then I started my professional career, and decided I needed to stay away from women for another year or so I could establish myself there and not get distracted. Now, that one or two years has turned into 5 or 6, and I haven’t been romantically involved with any women in that time. Do I get lonely ?? I don’t think I’ve ever had an unlonely day in my life. But my prolonged isolation has skewed my viewpoint to the to the point now where being alone and unattached to anyone seems like a natural and healthy way to live, and all those with real feelings and intimacy seem weird.

 

Do I have low-self esteem. Yeah, probably. What’s weird though is that women are the only area in which I think I lack self esteem. I think I’m capable of mastering any trade or any skill. In my professional career, I’ve taken on and conquered projects that other people run from. I think could read Ulysses and understand it. I think I could go to Europe with $200 dollars in my pocket and a lightly packed knapsack and maneuver myself around the entire continent like a champ. But when it comes to women, I’m just filled with self doubt. Maybe its because I grew up as the only boy with 2 sisters who’s favorite childhood pastime was picking out my flaws. Maybe its because I grew up with an overbearing mother who’s lifelong dream would be that her only son would grow up to be the charming, suave alpha males she read about in her cheap romance novels. How disappointed she sounded over the phone when I told her this was yet another holiday where she need not worry about setting another place at the table for her son’s “special friend”. Sometimes I have candid conversations with my concerned friends, and they ask me if I’m afraid of dying along … I always tell them I’m more afraid of marrying a woman like my mother. Someone who’s just going to spend a lot of time pointing out how inadequate I am. I don’t need any help with that, I do fine enough by myself thank you. I can stay awake until 3 a.m. pummeling myself over some stupid thing I said to someone 5 years ago. You know the Golden Rule ?? That doesn’t really apply to me, as I can’t even imagine treating anyone has harshly and judgmentally as I treat myself. Maybe I need a reversed golden rule. The scientist in me believes maybe its biological … maybe something deep inside of me knows I’m too flawed to procreate. Its not good for the species for me to spread other flawed versions of myself, so I’ve biologically somehow … subconsciously … taken myself out of the gene pool.

 

The odd thing is, I’ve had my chances. If I seem like the creepy loner type, I assure you I’m not. I’m involved in tons of local charities. I have tons of platonic female friends, who always come to me with their man problems (somehow they’ve assume that I have a keen perception into people … if they only knew). Most of the time they are too self absorbed in telling me their own relationship problems to actually ask me about mine … which works out well for the best of us. I don’t know which would be more embarrassing … Admitting you’re in the midst of a 8 year “dry spell”, or realizing you’ve been getting relationship advice from someone who is. They always tell me I’m the “perfect guy”. They list me as intelligent, considerate, kind, handsome, witty, athletic … etc. etc. When I run into old friends, I always get the “Why didn’t you ever ask so-and-so out .. .she was crazy about you.” speech. I don’t know what to tell them, I was probably either completely oblivious to it, or maybe I’m just like every other man in that I’m afraid of intimacy, I just deal with it differently by ignoring it. I’ve never had a one night stand, although I have been approached by some rather forward women in bars.

 

Anyways, I don’t know why I’m spilling my guts here. I don’t think anyone can pinpoint my exact problem. I know I’m the only one who can help me. I just don’t know what’s even wrong with me. All I know is this isn’t normal. You don’t go 8 years without being romantically involved with anyone. I think I’m just too damaged, period. Maybe I’m just typing this out because I’m hoping I’m not the only one-in-a-million freak out there who experiences this. I’m just too flawed.

[SoleMate]

I think I’m just too damaged

 

I'm sure you're not. There is so much about you that is healthy and good. For one thing, you have many platonic friends, male and female. This is excellent! You are a caring human being, capable of connecting with others. And you have many good qualities. The problem is, you have to love yourself first before someone else can really love you. And yeah, you are being way too harsh on you. Cut it out, man.

 

I don't believe you are a ruined human being, as you imply. You are someone with a big issue that needs fixing...and guess what? I can tell you have the intelligence, drive, and human qualities to fix it. (There are also many other people out there with that special feeling of being uniquely screwed up and unworthy and hopeless, but knowing that may not help much.) What you may benefit from is the help of an experienced person with specific tools and techniques to give you more insight into yourself and your issues, how common they are, and how other people have successfully coped. Have you tried counselling? If you find the right sounsellor, it's like Loveshack, only with more continuity and professionalism.

 

I believe that cognitive therapy, in particular, will be useful to you. It helps you combat negative ideation, like considering yourself "damaged" and "flawed". Try books by Aaron Beck. Please also ask your counsellor to screen you for depression.

 

By the way, I am sure one night stands would NOT be a good idea for you. It will just increase your sense of isolation and disconnectedness, and will not get you in the habit of building a rewarding and lasting relationship with a woman that you respect.

 

Last word, we "scary" women are people just like you men. Many of us also suffer from the same feelings of isolation, loneliness, weirdness, "damaged goods", worthlessness, or being so pathetic or laughable that they can't admit the truth to any human being. Try thinking about that and see if it helps. I do care and I will be looking for an update from you.

[InmanRoshi]

Thanks for the kind words and encouragement.

 

I know your advice is right on many levels. I do need to get screened for clinical depression, as I can probably check off every single item on the self diagnosis list I don't know why I've put it off for so long, but I think my independance causes me to have a hard time admitting that I need help. I know this has gotten out of my control, and I need help. I guess there is a fine line between pride and cowardness, and I crossed that line some time ago. And I've had enough undergraduate pysch. courses to know that I do need some sort of cognitive therapy. Your words help me to reenforce my gut instincts and face things that I try my best to deny.

 

I would just feel a lot more confidant about this if I knew of examples of people like myself.

 

If I came across as some embittered woman-hater because my high school prom date stood me up, I apologize. I'm really not like that. Even the girl that broke my heart to be with another guy, I don't blame her. She was just searching for her own happiness. I need to start doing a better job looking for mine. I know the problem is with me, and not womankind. I just don't know where to begin, because I don't even know any real life examples of people who battle the same type of self-inflicted wounds that I do.

 

Once again, thanks for your help.

[SoleMate]

You want to know about people with the same kind of wounds? Well...me, for one. My story is a little different. I've always had a hard time making friends...real friends. I've found myself rejected time and again, for reasons that I interpreted as my worthlessness. My father was (and is) and alcoholic, physically abusive towards my sister, though not me. My parents fought all the time...years of ugly scenes, often triggered by my father's horrifying behavior. Thank the Lord he never hurt anyone while driving drunk.

 

I went far away from home, first to live in Europe as an exchange student for six months, where I also couldn't make friends, then to an elite university far from home where I made almost no friends. The more I tried to "be friendly", the worse it felt as rejection piled onto rejection just confirmed my diagnosis of me as uniquely unworthy of being in human society. My first job was horrible. Although I'm shy and introverted, I found myself having horrible fights with several co-workers. I didn't fit in even objectively - they were all men, 90% Jewish, with PhDs, whereas I am none of those things. I hated my own behavior and feelings and apparently everyone else did too. I spent many tearful, sick to my stomach hours analyzing the issue of why I was so different and so much less than everyone around me. None of the answers felt good and none of them helped me change my life.

 

I got married and had two kids. The birth of the first touched off an episode of postpartum depression, which led to two horrible years of enhanced suffering, but also eventually got me onto Paxil. I date the real, lasting improvements in my life from that day. Seeing the effect Paxil had on me made me realize that depression was at the root of most of my troubles. That was about seven years ago, when I was 33. I've used it off and on for about 8-10 months cumulative. I'll post more later if you want to hear. There are a lot of people with similar issues to yours and mine.

[InmanRoshi]

Thanks for sharing your story and words. I identify with a lot of it, especially the moving away part. I'm currently in the process of applying for jobs all over the world, especially Europe. I've convinced myself I just need to start fresh somewhere and rebuild. But deep in my heart I know the change of scenery won't matter much while I'm still stuck in the same ole' plot line. I'm also currently in a job where everyone around me is at least 10-15 years older than me. I don't identify with any of my co-workers, and I'm rapidly losing my base of friends that I've collected throughout the years. Some are getting married and having families, and others have become too frustrated with me.

 

I'm scheduling an appointment with a doctor after the holidays to get some help with my depression.

 

Once again, thanks.