A mess

[blue_nymph]

Background of the relationship

 

I'm in a relationship with a guy and we've been together for about a year. I have two main problems that I am not sure what to do about. The situation is actually very complex.

 

The first problem is that he is with someone else as well. I was told initially that he was single, but found out that he was actually in a relationship with someone else after we started a relationship. As wacky as this sounds, it didn't end. When I was told, I got upset if course, but I was told his other relationship was now over. It did not end. Not only that, but I was required to make adjustments to allow the other person time with him. I am still hung up on, put on hold, etc, for this other person.

 

He says he loves me more. The other person is mean, causes trouble, takes away my time with him, talks bad about me, and uses him in various ways. He stays with them. I end up paying the price as I am often (almost always) alone. He is careful not to be seen on the phone with me in the presence of this other person, but the other person has repeatedly thrown things about their relationship in my face. I tried to be friends and get along with them, but every opportunity is taken to stab me in the back and bait and lie to me by the other person. They are truly horrible. I tell my boyfriend everything, and he listens but nothing changes. In fact he gave them the "boyfriend" title as well, because they were so jealous that I was his girlfriend.

 

I never wanted to share. I thought eventually this problem would go away because of all the other person's antics and mood swings, but it seems that no matter what stunts they pull or lies they tell or how much they hurt me or him, he keeps them around (and gives up time for being with me for them).

 

He can be very kind and wonderful to me at times. I do love him very deeply and we have a lot of history. I believe him when he says he loves me more than anyone but I don't understand how he can give up time with me for that horrible person if that is true.

 

The other problem is that he takes out his frustration on me and at times he is very verbally hurtful. He has called me stupid, of an inferior mind, a bit**, a cu**, a pig, etc. He has pointed out my physical flaws or failures in life and most conversations involve his threats to ignore me or kill himself. When it gets very bad, I sometimes break down and cry, and he calls me a baby and asks what is wrong with me. He is very demanding. As an example, two days ago, he called me when I was very busy and I asked if I could call him back in a few minutes. His response was "Fu** you, why do I even try with you?" this is very typical.

 

I try very hard with him. I help him with his classwork (I do the homework for one of his classes despite the huge sacrifice it is on my own studies) and I stay up all night with him often because that's what he wants, and usually the only time we have. I have failed classes because I do not have the time to study sufficiently and am always so very exhausted. I get very little sleep. If I fall asleep while on the phone or in his presence, it is like I am trying to be difficult to him, and he wakes me and guilts me with "I guess you don't want to spend time with me / I guess you're done talking to me."

 

Recently he was on phone with me and the other person came over. He Set the phone down and I could hear everything. He uses the name nickname for both of us. I was very upset hearing, as they got affectionate and--it was still very loud as if he was right by the phone, but not answering. He later apologized, got mad at me for it, and said he'd meant to hang up on me.

 

It takes a toll on me to put up with the stress of everything described here. My behavior has changed, I am always upset and exhausted and very depressed. I have contemplated suicide every day for months. I wish I had someone to talk to, but I have been isolated over the last year and lost most of my friends.

 

I have thought of leaving but I feel so guilty when he treats me kindly. He treats me very badly, then goes through a time of treating me nicely for a few days. It is also a guarantee that every time we have sex (and I don't feel sexual anymore--it is very hard to force it, it is like my body has withdrawn from the depression and emotional abuse), he gives the next day (usually next few days) to the other person. I keep feeling guilty through the cycles and getting drawn back in. He said he wanted to marry me, but "can't" but he "would if it doesn't work out" with the other person.

 

I think he really does love me, and if the other person were gone, he might treat me right? The frustrations they cause and problems they cause, he takes out on me. I've talked to him about it many times but nothing changes. I don't know what to do.

 

The perpetual problems

 

1. He takes out his frustrations on me.

2. Attention being taken from me for this other person...and no, things are not fair or equal.

 

His excuse is that he is bisexual, so he "needs both" the other person (a gay male) and a female. I was aware of his orientation at the beginning but not that he was with someone (it was concealed because he does not want people to know). In case it sounds that way, I don't have any problem with gay people--this one in particular has really hurt me many times however, and done so knowingly (example--he crashed the few hours I was going to get with my boyfriend on my birthday in an attempt to take the time from me). Any time I am upset about being left alone for yet another day, week, etc, he is very angry and states that I knew his orientation at the beginning... He uses being bisexual to continue cheating (and being treated how he is by the other person). I am called a liar and he says things like "you don't really love me / want to be with me" when I am upset for how he treats me. I hate feeling that I having to sneak around to be partially loved, if loved at all.

 

He says sometimes that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with the other person any longer, but things continue. He says at other times that he wants both and neither would be enough by itself...yet complains because "you both compete for the same resource and you both hate each other, f*** you both," but...anyone that knows me at all knows I am not hateful. I'm a doormat, not even passive aggressive at this point.

 

He tells me things like "I don't want to be in a relationship with him any more" and "he takes advantage and you treasure me" yet he stays. He compromises me for this other person, yet is supposedly happier with me? But he says mostly that he wants both and that neither would be enough for him.

 

There are other things he has to blackmail me with besides the threat that he would kill himself (although I don't believe it is a real threat--simply said to upset me). He has also threatened that he would kill me if I left, or kill me if I ever cheated. I view it as he is cheating with me all the time (and yes, it disgusts me and I am afraid of catching a something).

 

 

Last night

 

I have trouble believing myself--that it is him and not me. I question myself over and over, thinking I MUST have done something. Am I crazy for being upset that I'm treated this way? Etc.

 

He said last night that if I did not move closer to him, by sone point in December, that he would say "f*** you bi***" and cut me out if his life. He said he would never talk to me again and that if I went to see him, he would refuse to see me. He said it would never change. Just earlier this week he told me that he wouldn't leave me because from not moving in time, but last night, he said his had changed his mind.

 

I've been studying for an exam I have for my degree, a big exam over all of my grad classes. Sunday night I was not allowed any sleep. He kept me up all night and I had work and class the next day (lasting until 7pm). He said he felt guilty and that I'd made him feel guilty by mentioning that I was tired and had to go all day without sleep. He said he is the victim in it. I apologized and he replied "that doesn't help, does it?" He slept though, since he doesn't care about going to class or not.

 

Yesterday was hard. I had gotten two hours of sleep the night before from a pileup of work I had to get done. I fell asleep sometime about 12 am last night and he called me shortly after, to yell at me. He tried to break up with me and I started to cry. I don't know why...it was foolish, but I was tired and it just happened. He asked me questions like "what do you want?" and I would answer and he would yell "no, that's bulls***, answer my f***ing question". He said "you don't love me, no one loves me, nobody cares about me so stop lying"

 

He said he had a bad day. It seems he had to take it out on someone. He went through listing my faults, calling me lazy, bringing up mistakes I'd made in the past that he knows about but were not in any way related to him...and I said "I don't think you like me anymore. You keep listing my faults and saying what's bad about me.". I did not say this with any cruelity--it's just, I was so tired and he was talking again about the time i've taken to graduate...and he got very angry. "F*** you" was his reply, followed by calling me a bi***, stupid (many times), a cu**, and worthless. After he was done yelling he said "why did you do that? See what you made me do? Everything was fine, then you had to go and say sh** and get me riled up." I was shaking and I couldn't talk straight. He said in a calmer tone, "You know I love you, and as far as a man-woman relationship, you're the one for me. I'd marry you if I could, if the situation allowed it."

 

I was made to believe the hurtful things said, the yelling, the name-calling he did at me...were somehow my fault because I complained about him putting me down again. After he was done, he tried to tell me he loves me etc. It doesn't seem right. It seems abusive.

 

Eventually he fell asleep and I hung up. I am trained to wait now, in case he wakes up and calls back. He gets mad if I'm asleep. Thinking about everything makes me crazy.

 

I'm very mixed up. I feel like I'm going insane. I don't understand how he can say he loves me yet threaten me all the time. I don't understand how if I am "the best thing in his life" he would leave me and ignore me, especially when the other person has run away, lies and steals, but apparently that's not a big deal? My only clues to that are the things he says like "I should have known better than to get involved with a woman."

 

I needed attention and at least communication last week, but he denied it because the other person wanted to stay with him for a week. This week, as it is only a few days before my test, I've been trying to do as much studying as possible, but he said I have "p***ed away the time with my bull****". He says he does not care if I get the degree or not.

 

I write all of this and try to let it out. I'm terrified of being without him, as much as I know he is bad to me. He admitted that he loves me but sometimes wants me to be miserable. He said he resents me for having good parents (father drank, beat his mother, mother gave him to his grandparents).

I have trouble believing myself--that it is him and not me. I question myself over and over, thinking I MUST have done something. Am I crazy for being upset that I'm treated this way? Etc.

I just don't see how he can leave me, and so easily. Am I insane for feeling like this? After a year, I've become attached somehow...

[Tayla]

In reading your previous posts on the forums, advice had been given on this. If you so choose not to consider it, then really your post is a duplicate post of the same issue.

 

My advice- Post when things have improved, actions to change the environment or when you finally have a break thru to what folks have been conveying to you for awhile. You are ultimately responsible for your safety and mental health- each day you are making the choice to stay.

 

I shall hope you gain some insight and review again what folks have been advising.

 

Best to you

[PinkToes]

This man is an ABUSER.

 

His behavior is not going to change.

 

It is not your fault.

 

There is nothing you did to cause his behavior, and there is nothing you can do to change the way he treats you.

 

And he would continue to abuse you whether there were someone else in the picture or not.

 

Please re-read the responses in your previous post, and call the hotline number listed above. This man is abusing you. You don't deserve to be treated this way.

 

Please call the number and tell your story to whoever answers the phone. They can help you figure out what to do next, and can help you understand why this is a dangerous situation for you to be in.

[blue_nymph]

In reading your previous posts on the forums, advice had been given on this. If you so choose not to consider it, then really your post is a duplicate post of the same issue.

 

My advice- Post when things have improved, actions to change the environment or when you finally have a break thru to what folks have been conveying to you for awhile. You are ultimately responsible for your safety and mental health- each day you are making the choice to stay.

 

I shall hope you gain some insight and review again what folks have been advising.

 

Best to you

 

My post really isn't a duplicate, as it is mostly new information. I believed it was okay to post recent details, in therapitically venting my frustration and stress with my situation. Despite what it may seem through other eyes, this is not a situation that is easy to walk away from. I thought help, if any, or advice, could come in how to break the bonding, how to mentally prepare to leave, and reinforcement that this is the right option...because crazy as it sounds, I feel like I'm going insane here, questioning if it's actually something I should be able to suck up.

 

Please don't judge me.

 

I needed to vent as much as get help. I feel so alone.

[blue_nymph]

This man is an ABUSER.

 

His behavior is not going to change.

 

It is not your fault.

 

There is nothing you did to cause his behavior, and there is nothing you can do to change the way he treats you.

 

And he would continue to abuse you whether there were someone else in the picture or not.

 

Please re-read the responses in your previous post, and call the hotline number listed above. This man is abusing you. You don't deserve to be treated this way.

 

Please call the number and tell your story to whoever answers the phone. They can help you figure out what to do next, and can help you understand why this is a dangerous situation for you to be in.

 

Thanks for listening and for the advice. I will call the number and tell you what happens. Thanks for the encouragement.

[Tayla]

Blue,

 

Not judging you, questioning though the redundancy of a consistant desire to re-write that which had already been gone over. The bottom line is, your circumstances carry the same theme thru out your posts. Which part of "Its your choice each day to stay and endure this" Dont you get? Claim responsibility for your decision NOT his actions.

 

You cannot see the forest thru the trees..... THink about it. Then act upon it.

[blue_nymph]

Blue,

 

Not judging you, questioning though the redundancy of a consistant desire to re-write that which had already been gone over.

 

I do see what you're saying, since I posted once before. There really isn't a need to constantly rewrite--I wanted to vent, did not know the other thread hadn't been deleted (it's been a little while, I'm still new to the forum and I could not find it) although I should have checked or asked for help. With problem as it currently is, at least with the difficulty to leave, this had not been discussed. I really hate feeling guilty for venting and asking for help here now, and I know that my not be your intention, but please realize that I get enough criticism in my life right now, and that it is not easy to leave a situation like this, or I would have done it already. I'm sorry for the double posts though, and I feel you are due this apology, as is everyone on this forum. I have since, found the previous thread and gotten the advice from it that was missed... (I wish I had private messages, but Im not sure how to activate those either, if I can.)

 

Which part of "Its your choice each day to stay and endure this" Dont you get? Claim responsibility for your decision NOT his actions.

 

You're completely right. It's not that I don't understand this, it's simply that there really is so much more that goes into leaving. An abusive relationship isn't something you can easily walk away from. It is a cycle, I question my own judgement, and it takes a long time to realize--to truly realize--that it will not change. It is stupid for me to not have reacted earlier and realized it then, but you would have to know me and my background to fully understand that. To truly realize that it is not my fault...TRULY? I still blame myself. I think it is too harsh to say that I deserve the treatment for staying, as I've been decieved and conditioned for it for a long time, longer than this post covers, but I am also not asking for sympathy--just someone to listen. Perhaps it seems otherwise? I am sorry for that, it's not my intention. It was in writing out the extremity of what goes on that makes me see--and anyone else who reads that see--that things are worse, that it's possible to be so fooled into "now it will stop...okay NOW it will stop.." cycles.

 

In either case, I can thank you for listening. Last night I took PinkToes advice and called. To be able to talk to someone helped so much...and I wasn't blamed or made to feel guilty for anything, and I am very grateful and happy that I called. Things have not ended, as I've been avoiding contact, but with the break and help, I think I will be able to handle it soon. I can at least see that I am close to the conclusion.

Edited November 21, 2009 by blue_nymph

[hoping2heal]

Background of the relationship

 

I'm in a relationship with a guy and we've been together for about a year. I have two main problems that I am not sure what to do about. The situation is actually very complex.

 

Okay.

 

The first problem is that he is with someone else as well. I was told initially that he was single, but found out that he was actually in a relationship with someone else after we started a relationship. As wacky as this sounds, it didn't end. When I was told, I got upset if course, but I was told his other relationship was now over. It did not end. Not only that, but I was required to make adjustments to allow the other person time with him. I am still hung up on, put on hold, etc, for this other person.

 

I agree it's a problem he is with someone else. His lying about all of these things are also a problem. A big problem. You were required to make adjustments for his other relationship? The one he lied to you about having and staying in? As much of a problem as what he's doing is, I think it's imperative you see that the biggest problem in this relationship is you. No one is holding a gun to your head and forcing you to stay in this relationship. Rather YOU are choosing to put up with a man who lies to you about being in other relationships, and you are choosing to "make adjustments" so he can spend time with other women.

 

He says he loves me more. The other person is mean, causes trouble, takes away my time with him, talks bad about me, and uses him in various ways. He stays with them. I end up paying the price as I am often (almost always) alone. He is careful not to be seen on the phone with me in the presence of this other person, but the other person has repeatedly thrown things about their relationship in my face. I tried to be friends and get along with them, but every opportunity is taken to stab me in the back and bait and lie to me by the other person. They are truly horrible. I tell my boyfriend everything, and he listens but nothing changes. In fact he gave them the "boyfriend" title as well, because they were so jealous that I was his girlfriend.

 

He says he loves you more? Hold on, do you believe anything going on between the two of you is love? If this is what you call love, then your idea of love is a crippled and crippling imploding force that will destroy a person down to it's core and rip any shred of self esteem, self respect, or self worth away from them. This man is no sugar plum pie, but he couldn't operate in the way which he does and he could not put you through this if you did not allow him too.

 

I never wanted to share. I thought eventually this problem would go away because of all the other person's antics and mood swings, but it seems that no matter what stunts they pull or lies they tell or how much they hurt me or him, he keeps them around (and gives up time for being with me for them).

 

Doesn't surprise me.

 

He can be very kind and wonderful to me at times. I do love him very deeply and we have a lot of history. I believe him when he says he loves me more than anyone but I don't understand how he can give up time with me for that horrible person if that is true.

 

I'm not sure what you have been through in your life that you were lead to believe that what you have going on here is what love should be. I'm not going to allow you to play the victim here though. You have to make a decision to show yourself some love and respect and get yourself help to understand why you think this dysfunctional relationship is worth persuing. You are throwing away an opportunity to love and accept yourself every time you willingly abuse yourself by putting yourself in this position.

 

I have read the rest of your post and most people might go "wow what a jerk" "that guy is an *******!" THey might dog on this guy left and right, I'm not going to do that. I'm going to tell you that this guy can't hurt you unless you let him, and right now you are allowing another human being to abuse you in several ways that will damage you deeply.

 

This relationship isn't complicated, this relationship is simple. Someone else wants to lie and manipulate and abuse you, and you let it happen. That's what goes on here, there's nothing complicated about it and as long as you stay with him? You're going to believe it. You're going to believe you don't deserve better and you're going to believe a man abusing you is love.

 

 

You need to stop playing victim to yourself. There's some part of you deep inside that knows you are being treated badly, there's a part that feels pitty and sorrow for this girl who is being abused. That isn't good enough, you need to step away. Feeling sorry for yourself will not fix this dilema and it won't get you the tools you need to become healthy and get your self respect back, it won't get you the tools you need to avoid another relationship and another cycle of abuse perpuating itself.

[blue_nymph]

That is really hard to hear. I'm not trying to get sympathy here, but I have seen myself as a victim.

 

While no one has a gun to my head, and I have been afraid of the "I'll kill you, cut off your fingers and mail them to your parents." threats if I left, but you are right, I allow it to go on. I don't actually think he will kill me. He has not beaten me physically. He really is horrible and I don't deserve it.

 

If he did kill me, it won't be for staying. I thought about what you wrote, and it hurt, and I don't want to go into my life as to how I stayed or had the mentality I had, but I want you to know I hear you and I know in my heart that those things were not said to hurt me, etc.

 

I don't know if you saw my update from earlier, but it is included above.

 

Thanks.

[hoping2heal]

That is really hard to hear. I'm not trying to get sympathy here, but I have seen myself as a victim.

 

I know it had to of been hard to hear. I hope you also know, that I said it because I care about your well being. Not to judge you or belittle you. The funny thing about "victims", Too often it gets used as an excuse for not taking responsibility, and that becomes dire to a person's life in some cases. The reason I say you are not a victim, is because you ultimately have a choice. A girl who is being raped, doesn't have a choice. A child who is being beaten every day, doesn't have a choice. Those are victims, those are people who do not make the decision to put themselves with a person harming them every day, but you; you have been making the decision to do that to yourself. You have been making a decision to let another person abuse you. That's why it's important you take responsibility for that decision, because without it. Without acknowledging that NO it never has been or never will be my fault this man abused me, it IS my fault I'm still here taking it- you need to acknowledge it so you will say to yourself "I need to get right with me, I need to figure out why I do this" so that it doesn't happen again. So that you don't just lose this guy, only to find yourself with another one abusing you.

 

 

 

While no one has a gun to my head, and I have been afraid of the "I'll kill you, cut off your fingers and mail them to your parents." threats if I left, but you are right, I allow it to go on. I don't actually think he will kill me. He has not beaten me physically. He really is horrible and I don't deserve it.

 

If he did kill me, it won't be for staying. I thought about what you wrote, and it hurt, and I don't want to go into my life as to how I stayed or had the mentality I had, but I want you to know I hear you and I know in my heart that those things were not said to hurt me, etc.

 

I don't know if you saw my update from earlier, but it is included above.

 

Thanks.

 

You are welcome, and I understand there are some traumatic things that you have been through that have led to this, and you do not need to share it with me or anyone here, but you might want to consider opening up about them in therapy or some kind of anonymous source, so you can get those feelings sorted and you can begin to take the shame away you feel from them.