beauty a problem?

[Amy]

This isn't a serious problem but any advice/thoughts would be welcomed.

 

The thing is, that I have trouble with girl friends because I'm beautiful. I'm not vain, I don't think I'm particularly beautiful but everyone tells me that I am.

 

Sometimes my friends boyfriends comment in front of them that I'm pretty/beautiful or whatever, and I hate it because I don't want any problems with my friends (and I would hate it if my boyfriend did that). I can see the reaction on their faces when this happens, and even though it's not my fault I'm the one who gets avoided in future. One of my best friends didn't want to hang out with me any more because I was more attractive to men than she was. I don't mean to be, I don't flirt or anything, I'm just me. In fact I go out of my way not to do anything that would be misconstrued.

 

Any ideas about what to do?

[Tony T]

You could get plastic surgery, but I don't recommend it.

 

I truly understand your plight and it does get better as time goes on. You're around a lot of very superficial people who place a lot of emphasis on looks. It sounds like, in addition to outer beauty, you have inner wisdom along with kindness, consideration and sensitivity. That may be what they hate the most. The stereotypical beauty is also a bitch. You aren't but PLEASE don't change.

 

You can't control the thoughts or behavior of other people. You can change the people you hang around with. It would seem that after a time of getting to know you, they wouldn't be jealous or affected by your looks. If they are truly your friends, they should be proud of any attention you receive. But jealousy is just a petty part of the human condition.

 

Enjoy the beauty God has given you to the best of your ability while you can and don't be affected by what these people say or do. Luckilly one day when the wrinkles set in, you will still be the beautiful person inside that you are now.

 

I have observed that many ladies who are not maximally attractive LOVE to befriend beautiful women and go out with them socially. The beautiful lady of the group attracts all the gorgeous men and the others get to enjoy the attention and latch on to the spillover. I've seen it happen many times.

 

Work on not being so sensitive to this issue...but don't stop being sensitive.

 

There are millions of women in the world who would LOVE to have your problem.

[magicklady]

Honestly there is nothing you can do. If your friends are that shallow and insecure then you don't want them as friends anyway. I have been going through the same thing for years, just enjoy it while you can and don't let ANYONE make you feel guilty for being Attractive. My best friend and I have been through that as well.. when we used to go to bars together I got all of the attention because I have a really out going personality and I dress really well. She would tell me that I was making her feel bad and I told her that she was making herself feel bad that I wasn't responsible for her feelings. Try hanging out with people that are as attractive as you are and see how that goes. Most of the time attractive people like to hang out with less attractive ones because it makes them feel that much more beautiful...

 

Good luck with it...

[Tavi]

OK, one side thought. Why are your friends' boyfriends commenting on your beauty? They must be insensitive boors. Or, you are so dazzling that everyone must avert their eyes when youwalk into the room, sparkling with yourself.

 

Here's the deal. People treat you according to what you project into your social environment. Many people go through life handling this fine. I have a few female friends, not a herd, which would be a bit intolerable to me, but a few. I was blessed with an beautiful asian mother and a handsome father who is half Cherokee and half Creek, so I was lucky enough to inherit their good genes and exotic looks.

 

Do I dwell on it, though? Nope. Have I ever encountered hostility because I'm pretty? Not at all.

 

Few people have an accurate conception of their own identity. And even fewer have an accurate idea of the persona that they project in social situations.

 

What you're basically saying is, "what's wrong with everyone else?" Honey, if everyone else seems to have a problem, it's usually either unavoidable or it's really your problem.

[magicklady]

You know I don't agree with you there. I don't think there is anything wrong with people telling other people they find them attractive. So I don't think there is anything wrong with her. As women you know as well as I do that jealousy runs deep with most of us. I haven't ever had a problem with being jealous over the way one of my friends looked, but that is because I am confident in who I am. Most women are not, and tend to want to drop the friendship when they are uncomfortable with it. It also would depend on what part of the US you live in too I guess, I know that women in the South are horribly vendictive...

[billy the kid]

Hey Amy I have met and seen women like you describe. Some I could just sit and look at for hours on end (nothing sexual) just they are beautiful.. some couldn't get dates cuz guys were just too scared to ask a godess out.. and some abused their beauty to get things...sorry I don't have any ideas I can just relate..

This isn't a serious problem but any advice/thoughts would be welcomed. The thing is, that I have trouble with girl friends because I'm beautiful. I'm not vain, I don't think I'm particularly beautiful but everyone tells me that I am. Sometimes my friends boyfriends comment in front of them that I'm pretty/beautiful or whatever, and I hate it because I don't want any problems with my friends (and I would hate it if my boyfriend did that). I can see the reaction on their faces when this happens, and even though it's not my fault I'm the one who gets avoided in future. One of my best friends didn't want to hang out with me any more because I was more attractive to men than she was. I don't mean to be, I don't flirt or anything, I'm just me. In fact I go out of my way not to do anything that would be misconstrued.

 

Any ideas about what to do?

[Amy]

Thanks all for your input. Just one thing, it's nice being thought beautiful, but when I was little I was kind of the unpopular ugly duckling so I find it a little hard to handle the attention. They are not huge events that I'm talking about, just a recurring undercurrent in my life. It's not really a problem that would ruin my life, but I just want to point out that being branded beautiful is not all it's cracked up to be. All my friends are getting married or already married and I'm the only one left single and I think "well, if I'm so beautiful why aren't guys coming up and asking me out or wanting to marry me?" Maybe they feel intimidated (as I do by good looking men?) or they think I can't be faithful? Beats me.

[Tavi]

It depends on how the man compliments his girlfriend's friend. If he does it politely, than it's no big deal, but if he's saying, "God, you look hot tonight" to my friend and not to me, I would be a little upset at my boyfriend, regardless of how confident I am. It's a matter of being tasteful.

 

I had to laugh at what you wrote about Southern women, since I was born and raised in the South, but have travelled quite a bit. I had to show my co-workers what you wrote about us supposedly being "horribly vindictive". Such a stereotype. People are people no matter where you go, honey. There are vindictive women in the Midwest, up North, on the West Coast. Thinking like that is what got us into a Civil War in the first place.

[Tony T]

For the first time, I am hearing someone say that there are vindictive women everywhere. Are you serious??? Kind of scary. Thanks for the enlightenment!!!

[magicklady]

I am from Alabama.. so I am speaking from experience maybe I should have said most of the women I know here in Alabama are really vindictive... maybe it wasn't right of me to stereo type the whole south.. I have travel a good bit myself and women all over can be.. so I guess you are right about that as well. I have a few good female friends that haven't give me any problems about how I look... they are attractive as well however. The friend I was speaking of has a weight problem as a lot of women in the US do.. and she seems to be jealous of the fact that I am do not. Let's just say that being attractive can be a curse as well as a blessing...and what started the Civil War had nothing to do with That Kind of Stereotypical Beliefs....

[magicklady]

Thanks Tony I needed the Laugh...!!

[magicklady]

Most men find Really attractive women unapprochable. The tend to think "she will never go out with me" or she is so pretty she must already be taken. When you see someone that you are interested in getting to know better.. go say Hi and see where it goes... no harm can be done if all you did was make a new friend....

[LT]

Here's the truth: No matter what you do or say or who you befriend of your own gender....if you have "looks"...there will be jealousy. If you have "looks" AND personality there will be double the jealousy from so-called friends. Women are jealous creatures, regardless of what state of the union they're from. This goes both ways...if you befriend women who are better looking than you YOU will have to deal with your own jealousy. Unless you grown up and remember what it's like.

 

The good news is that time does handle things (I think!) You will eventually get over your own ego...i.e., the part of you that cares that men perceive you as sexy, attractive, etc., and, hopefully, so will potential friends. I was like you described yourself...an ugly duckling in my youth...so I developed my personality...and then age brough beauty (apparently). For a short time it went to my head and I CARED...and acted, dressed appropriately. So here's this innocent female with looks and personality and friends who would (and did) stab her in the back. Soooo...eventually I realized (after MUCHO dating experience) that I really didn't care what the male population at large thought about my looks (okay, I finally realized what's out there...geez). And so called friends could go to hell. They were always trying to borrow my clothes, my make up, my BOYFRIENDS...it was like being on the set of "Single White Female" 24/7! I took up having a lot of male friends (as posted earlier) for that very reason...they don't get jealous of your looks and they know better than to compliment you on them. If I could choose my looks and start all over I would not choose to be so attractive and I am currently NOT drop dead gorgeous!...but good looks get in the way SO MUCH. Imagine settling into a job finally because it's the first male boss who's never hit on you! (at age 34!) The worse compliment someone could give me is "You're stupid." Comments about my looks, good or bad, don't affect me at all anymore. I don't want to be ugly and I'm sure I'll want my next beau to think I'm gorgeous but WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE REST OF YOU??? I would gladly trade in what I have to be thought "pleasant looking but harmless" than to have been screwed over so many times by jealousy of ego-maniacs I considered friends.

 

LT

You could get plastic surgery, but I don't recommend it. I truly understand your plight and it does get better as time goes on. You're around a lot of very superficial people who place a lot of emphasis on looks. It sounds like, in addition to outer beauty, you have inner wisdom along with kindness, consideration and sensitivity. That may be what they hate the most. The stereotypical beauty is also a bitch. You aren't but PLEASE don't change. You can't control the thoughts or behavior of other people. You can change the people you hang around with. It would seem that after a time of getting to know you, they wouldn't be jealous or affected by your looks. If they are truly your friends, they should be proud of any attention you receive. But jealousy is just a petty part of the human condition. Enjoy the beauty God has given you to the best of your ability while you can and don't be affected by what these people say or do. Luckilly one day when the wrinkles set in, you will still be the beautiful person inside that you are now.

 

I have observed that many ladies who are not maximally attractive LOVE to befriend beautiful women and go out with them socially. The beautiful lady of the group attracts all the gorgeous men and the others get to enjoy the attention and latch on to the spillover. I've seen it happen many times. Work on not being so sensitive to this issue...but don't stop being sensitive. There are millions of women in the world who would LOVE to have your problem.

[magicklady]

AMEN to that LT... I totally agree with you.. and things have gotten considerably better in my 30's since I stopped worrying about it as well..!!