Lauriebell82 Posted January 28, 2010 Share Posted January 28, 2010 I agree with you here. Which is why I mentioned compromise. Yes, marriage is something they both should want to do. But I do not see why he should get his way and she should not. In other words: you have to find a solution that satisfies both sides. Not getting married does not satisfy her. Why should she be left unsatisfied to nurture his delusion of youth? Yeah, I see where you are coming from. It's not fair that he gets his way and she doesn't. That's why the situation is so complicated..it's just basically not fair. Yeah, they could compromise but what kind of compromise? I mean really, I don't actually think they will be able to come to a compromise on this one unless one of them changes their mind about marriage... Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted January 28, 2010 Share Posted January 28, 2010 I don't have a problem getting married, I just have doubts about our relationship and making it permanent with a marriage. This is why the OP is distressed about not being married. At the back of anybody's mind who's in a situation where their partner refuses to marry them is the suspicion that their partner feels as the gentleman above does. People need to feel secure in their relationships. Denying someone that sense of security is just cruel. 'Not wanting to grow up' - oh puleeze. That fellow needs - badly - to get over himself. I hope they went to counselling and that the counsellor gave scaredy cat a good talking to. Link to post Share on other sites
Eeyore79 Posted January 28, 2010 Share Posted January 28, 2010 You sound like you ARE married in all ways other than: a legal document a fluffy ceremony and his family's willingness to recognize how well the two of you compliment each other. The legal document is the important part though - if something bad happens, you have very little security without it. If it wasn't important, gay people wouldn't have fought for so long for the right to marry. I agree that I don't see why he should get his way while the OP remains unsatisfied. He isn't taking account of her feelings or opinions at all, and if someone doesn't want to marry you the implication is that they don't see the relationship as permanent. He isn't even willing to discuss the issue and give plausible reasons for why he doesn't want to marry. He sounds like a big kid who is terrified of responsibility, and he doesn't want to wear the mantle of "husband" because then, god forbid, something might actually be expected of him! I'd be seriously tempted to make my concerns known and then back off from the relationship to "think" and see how he reacts... and I think ultimately I would leave him if he was still being immature and marriage still wasn't on the cards. Link to post Share on other sites
Pink Cupcakes Posted January 29, 2010 Share Posted January 29, 2010 Have you seen the movie He's Just Not That Into You? Jennifer Aniston's character feels the same way you do after 7years and decides to leave her boyfriend, who states he doesn't believe in marriage. Her boyfriend later realizes how much he loves her, and he won't be happy unless he makes her happy by marrying her. He loves her so much he wants her to be happy. So he's happy by marrying the love of his life. That is true love. See that movie, this particular scenario will shed some light. If you love someone, set them free. If they love you, they will come back (and marry you). If they don't, they won't. It's very simple. Link to post Share on other sites
Natsumi Posted January 29, 2010 Share Posted January 29, 2010 Have you seen the movie He's Just Not That Into You? Jennifer Aniston's character feels the same way you do after 7years and decides to leave her boyfriend, who states he doesn't believe in marriage. Her boyfriend later realizes how much he loves her, and he won't be happy unless he makes her happy by marrying her. He loves her so much he wants her to be happy. So he's happy by marrying the love of his life. That is true love. See that movie, this particular scenario will shed some light. If you love someone, set them free. If they love you, they will come back (and marry you). If they don't, they won't. It's very simple. Actually, I think the OP mentioned several times that she would not want to risk her relationship because of this. I agree, that if I was in this situation I would definetly do what you just said. I can also understand why the OP won't do that, she has found a partner she would like to keep no matter whether they get married or not. I agree with a previous poster who says that the situation is complicated and not fair. In terms of compromises: there are different forms of weddings and legally binding relationships. Maybe he is against certain forms of weddings, in which case they could opt for another one (e.g. a civil ceremony instead of a church one). They could also do other sorts of committment. They could vow to each other privately. It really depends which of these will satisfy her and which he is willing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted January 29, 2010 Share Posted January 29, 2010 Have you seen the movie He's Just Not That Into You? Jennifer Aniston's character feels the same way you do after 7years and decides to leave her boyfriend, who states he doesn't believe in marriage. Her boyfriend later realizes how much he loves her, and he won't be happy unless he makes her happy by marrying her. He loves her so much he wants her to be happy. So he's happy by marrying the love of his life. That is true love. See that movie, this particular scenario will shed some light. If you love someone, set them free. If they love you, they will come back (and marry you). If they don't, they won't. It's very simple. Actually in the movie, SHE went back to HIM and stated that she was taking marriage off the table and would accept him as just a live in boyfriend. THAT'S when he proposed, when the pressure was off and he realized she wanted to be with him, not just marry him. That's also what happened with my friend who got engaged after 6 or 7 years. She finally just stopped bugging him and accepted that he wasn't going to propose. And BAM, he proposed over Christmas. And I think that may be part of the OP's problem. She has badgered him and brought it up so many times that he is probably sick of it and thinks she is marriage obsessed. Even though she says that she doesn't wish to leave him and is happy with the relationship, I'm sure her boyfriend thinks otherwise. That might be a huge part of his hesitation... Link to post Share on other sites
Pink Cupcakes Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 This guy in this thread's case, seems very ambivalent about her. I don't think this is a true love thing on his part, and he is waiting for "something better" to come along, then this woman will be tossed aside. If he loved you, he would realize that marriage is the best step. This woman I'm sure wants children and it is unfair to bring children into a world of unmarried parents. This guy is a loser who is stringing the OP along and she needs to cut bait pronto. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 We do not plan to have children and I lost my mother a few years ago to cancer when I was 32. But he also said that marriage isn't something he wants. He can't explain why (again, because he wont think about it). But it was clear that a marriage between us is not likely to happen. These two statements are pretty much the answer... They don't plan on having children so that is less motivation for him to want marriage. Basically nothing would change for marriage except it would be more committment/harder to get out of. This is probably what freaks him out. He also pretty much flat out told her marriage isn't something he thinks about. As much as I want to believe that stopping the badgering may turn him around, the OP needs to accept that this may never happen for her (marriage). If she CAN'T accept it (and it doesn't seem like she does or wants to) then staying in the relationship will make her miserable and resentful. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 Actually in the movie, SHE went back to HIM and stated that she was taking marriage off the table and would accept him as just a live in boyfriend. THAT'S when he proposed, when the pressure was off and he realized she wanted to be with him, not just marry him. That's also what happened with my friend who got engaged after 6 or 7 years. She finally just stopped bugging him and accepted that he wasn't going to propose. And BAM, he proposed over Christmas. And I think that may be part of the OP's problem. She has badgered him and brought it up so many times that he is probably sick of it and thinks she is marriage obsessed. Even though she says that she doesn't wish to leave him and is happy with the relationship, I'm sure her boyfriend thinks otherwise. That might be a huge part of his hesitation... This is very true. Men respond much better when women cool it with the demands. Don't make it a tug of war and things will be much better. Link to post Share on other sites
whammy2 Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 my girlfriend of 8 years dumped me because I too, did not feel compelled to marry in order to prove my love and commitment, both where unwavering. would have married her by now but her timer just went off. But that damned diamond ring became her holy grail! I had been married for nearly 30 years before meeting her and leaving my wife for her by the way. I just recently learned that she became engaged about 6 months after telling me she wasn't fulfilled by our relationship. I am crushed beyond words. there was no reason , unless she met this prince well before giving me the boot. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted January 31, 2010 Share Posted January 31, 2010 my girlfriend of 8 years dumped me because I too, did not feel compelled to marry in order to prove my love and commitment, both where unwavering. would have married her by now but her timer just went off. But that damned diamond ring became her holy grail! I had been married for nearly 30 years before meeting her and leaving my wife for her by the way. I just recently learned that she became engaged about 6 months after telling me she wasn't fulfilled by our relationship. I am crushed beyond words. there was no reason , unless she met this prince well before giving me the boot. I'm very sorry, that's a sad story. 8 years is a long time though..I don't blame her for getting restless. It's different for females then males. I guess it's female nature to want that final committment on paper..otherwise the paranoia of being "unmarriable" or "unlovable" kicks in. I don't know why this is, it just happens. Not all women feel this way, but a lot do. That's why it is so hard that after years and years of waiting the paranoia just gets to be too much! I was paranoid after almost 3 years, I can't imagine what it would be like to wait 8 years like that! I think I'd go absolutely crazy. You almost have to not want to get married (or be very young) in order to wait that long. At the same time though, I do believe that easing up on the pressure and not being obsessed with marriage might do her relationship some good. Link to post Share on other sites
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