Just finished crying....knowing that taking him back can be mistake

[ojibwaywmn]

I broke up with my ex at the end of June after learning that he wasn't being honest with me. Before we became involved, he was in a common-law relationship with 2 small children. Close to the end of our relationship, I noticed him becoming more distant then announced he needed some space. Having him leave was so painful, I didn't know if I could survive. But I wasn't ready to nag or chase after him and respected his wishes.

 

A month later, I found out that while he was "sorting things out", he was trying to get back with his ex and their 2 children. That just added more anger and pain to my wounds, so I broke up via email as it was the only way I could contact him at the time. What bothers me the most is that he didn't have the respect to tell me what he really wanted. Rather, I had to find out through the grapevine.

 

Wanting to learn and release alot of pent up emotions, I sought a spiritual healer/counsellor. She helped me understand why I attract incompatible men, and how to forgive, love, respect myself more. If it wasn't for those sessions, I would be in worse condition.

 

When fall came along, I was starting to feel better about myself and my life. Although he was in my thoughts and heart, it was more manageable. What they say is right. Just when you are starting to move on, your ex shows up.

 

In early November, my ex called me in the middle of the night. We talked at great length. I told him how much he hurt me and that he should have told me that he wanted to go back to his family. He apologized and said that the next time he comes into the city for business, he would like to talk face to face. He went on saying that he missed our relationship and that he wants me back. We decided to work on being friends.

 

Earlier this week, we were chatting via messenger and the conversation became serious. He stated that his ideal situation would to have me and his kids. But said that the ex would make it difficult for him and his kids if we were together. She wouldn't allow him to have the kids if he was with someone else.

 

Needless to say, he will be in town this coming Monday and Tuesday. I am feeling a lot of different emotions right now. I hear conflicting stories about what is really going on with him and his ex. He tells me one thing, then my sisters hear differently through the grapevine. I don't know what to believe at times.

 

If he is sincere in saying that he would do anything to be with his kids, then why did he call me in the first place? I am scared right now. I don't want to be hurt again, and I know that I need to stand up for myself. There are so many things I need to know before we can attempt a reconciliation. A part of me feels that I should let him go, he doesn't know what he wants. The other part feels that I should listen to what he has to say, give him the benefit of the doubt. I am a caring, loving, forgiving person and always feel that people deserve a second chance. I guess I am more afraid of re-experiencing that same hurt, anger, and disappointment. I haven't really stood up for myself this way before and it is scary. Any advice or comments would help. Thanks.

[dyermaker]

I'm sorry you were hurt, and it is good that you were able to seek emotional help. It's also great that you were able to directly confront him with how you felt. Understand that you have no responsibility to trust him, because of previous dishonesty. Also, trust your instincts! This guy doesn't know what he wants, and until he does, it's unfair of him to drag you into the relationship.

 

I am a caring, loving, forgiving person and always feel that people deserve a second chance.

 

There are plenty of better men who would love a woman like that, take yourself somewhere where you are appreciated and cared for, and most of all, to someone you can trust.

[Fancy]

Your instinct is telling you to run and run fast. Are you going to listen to it? Or are you going to make a mistake you'll later regret?

 

You've already proven you can live without him. Why put yourself through hell again? Don't you think you deserve any better than a dishonest man?

[ojibwaywmn]

 

Just when I think it can't get any worse than this, it does. I have been informed through the grapevine this morning, that my ex is moving his ex and their children into his house as we speak. I am so hurt and angry. Why couldn't he tell me that was what he was planning on doing?

 

He said that he would do anything to have his kids again, so why couldn't he tell me that he was moving them in? I am angry at myself for thinking that a reconciliation is possible. That this time round, things can be different. To top it off, while he re-established contact with me, he was still with her. I don't understand why people have to play games and with ppl's emotions. I am still shock.

 

He said that he is coming into town on business and wants to meet. I think I am going to go ahead and meet him (if he has the nerve to call), and then lay it out. For someone who claims to have a lot of respect for me, he sure acts in a disrespectful way. I am so mad that I can slap him. I just don't understand....

[MAC]

Stories being spread through the "grapevine" can seriously ruin two people. I know...... I seen it twice myself. Don't believe everything you hear on the street, by the time it reaches you, the story may have changed 10 times over.

 

It sounds like this man wants his kids in his life, it also sounds like you are in his thoughts. Seems to me like you might want to get together with him and see if he has actually changed. If you have feelings for him and he has feeling for you then maybe..... just maybe you can both work through this and be happy together.

 

Men do strange things when their kids are involved. I don't think he was right about not being honest with you and he will need to do alot of work to earn that trust back from you. Heres a personal piece of advice, don't listen to to everything your siblings tell you....... sometimes family can think they are looking out for your best interest but in reality are doing you more harm. This grapevine talk doesn't sound very convincing to me, take a look at the bigger picture.

[maxmuscle]

ojibwaywmn,

 

I agree with MAC. Do not believe the hype! Try to get all the facts first, then react. I pray that it works out for the better. You and everyone on this forum deserves happiness. I feel everybody pain on this forum regardless of the situation. Please think positive.

[ojibwaywmn]

Thank you for your replies everyone, I really appreciate them. A lot of this grapevine info comes from my sister who is friends with someone who is also friends with his ex (if that makes any sense). So that is how I hear what happens when I don't see or hear from him. After hearing the gossip and reading your responses, I am going to adopt a "wait and see what he has to say" attitude now. No one deserves to be played this way, and I need to know where he is really come from. If it is true that she did move back in, then it shows that he is unable to be honest. Now I really hope we meet next week, I want to settle it once and for all. I am so tired right now.....

[ojibwaywmn]

Just an update on what has happened since the last posting.

 

We met to play pool and have something to eat that monday evening. It felt a bit awkward at first as we haven't been together, never mind in the same room, for almost seven months. Other than the awkwardness, it was like old times. I wasn't sure how to start off the "talk" so figured I would wait for him to start, seeing he was the one who wanted to meet. As the evening wore on, nothing was said.

 

When he was dropping me off at my apartment, I invited him up. To be honest, I didn't want to end our time together. So we sat and watched tv. He ended up staying the night. The feelings I have for him took the best of me and threw all caution aside. Before he left the next day, he gave me a big, long hug and kiss. I told him that we didn't have a chance to talk yet. He replied that there will be time, and that he will call. And so he left.

 

I was fine throughout that day. But in the evening, feelings of shame, anger, and hurt rose up. I knew that I had to let this man go. So I wrote out a letter explaining how I felt about him, the situation, and our lives. Two days later, my sister re-confirmed that he moved his family to his house. AGAIN, I was hurt and angry, and this time I confronted him via messenger. I told him that I knew what was going, and that he has hurt me so much due to his hiding things, not having the courage to be upfront. He apologized repeatedly saying that he never meant to hurt me, and that he didn't have any intentions when he visited except to talk. He apologized for not saying anything during the visit, as he was just enjoying our time together. He than said that he had so much feelings for me which will never change, but want us to become good friends due to his situation. I agreed that we can try to be friends but said that it will be hard for me at first. He said that he understood and will wait. And stated that I am too valuable a person for him to forget.

 

Last week, I knew for sure that I need to make a clean break from him. As much as I want to be friends, it is too hard with all the feelings I have for him. He made his choice in being with her and their 2 children. So with that, I sent him an email asking him to get rid of my info as I won't be making anymore contact. I said in the email that he hasn't been honest with me and someday I will be able to forgive, but not forget. I pointed out that he has said before it would be ideal to have me and the 2 children, and with enough love and support between us, we could have been able to make it work, even whenever the mother makes it difficult. I also said that underneath all the drama and baggage, he still has a good heart, but needs to work on the confusion and troubleness. He has told me before that he doesn't have any friends he can trust except me, and pointed out to him that there is, he just have to find that person. But I needed to make a clean break and a fresh start for myself.

 

I am now going through "withdrawls" again. I have this book about Abandonment Recovery and has made me see what I have been putting myself through with men. That I haven't been valuing myself enough in which attracts men who are emotionally unavailable. I still love and miss him so much, but unless I learn to value my own self-worth, then this whole scenario will repeat itself, and I don't want that. For ppl who find themselves in this type of scenario repeatedly, get the book, it has helped me a lot. I still have a way to go, but it is a start. Any comments would be great. Thanks.