My wife wants space after 9 years.....

[comj49]

My wife and I have been married for over 9 years and within the last year, things have been getting progressivley worse. We aren't connected emotionaly, which has caused her to want some time away. She has asked for a seperation, including the option to date other people.

 

Our marriage has been good, but not great. Neither one of us were ever truly "in love". We had love, but when we looked deep down, there was never that burning feeling. I noticed my disconnect many years ago, but i have always been commited to our marriage, so i worked through it. Even after 3 children, my wife looks amazing, and i have never felt as sexually attracted to her as i do right now, which might be keeping me from accepting her need for freedom.

 

My problem is that i am very confused. Despite agreeing with her regarding our disconnect, i am extremely hurt and depressed. I can't stop thinking of the possibility of divorce, and it's killing me. I would give anything to connect with my wife in the way we are both looking for, but she isn't in the same mind set. What hurts most is that i get the feeling i am "in the way" of her freedom. I think she is hoping i will just agree with her, and be on my way. I can't do that. I don't want to give up, but she is only thinking of having her space. She had a few sessions of counseling, trying to figure out her feelings, and I thought we had made progress.

 

What is driving most of this is my wife's childhood. She was a pastors daughter, and lived under semi-strict rules until we got married. She never really had her "college years", where people get to be on their own, with nobody to answer to. She went right from Dad's roof, to our home as a married women. She spent the first 7 years of our marriage staying home with our 3 kids, but when i got laid off in 08' she got a full-time job, which she turned into a good career in short time. Being in the work force brought about feelings of independance. The world opened up for her, and opened her eyes. She really started looking at her past and started regretting some of her decisions. One of those decisions was marrying me. When we were dating for a couple months, i cheated on her, and she found out. I was a completely different person then, and have been nothing but faithful ever since. She was able to forgive me, and move forward, but when she started looking back, she feels she should have made the decision to either hold off on getting married, or break up entirely.

 

What she is telling me right now, is that she doesn't feel like she "chose" me. She only got married becuase that was the path she thought she was supposed to follow, according to her church and up-bringing. She wants to live as a free women, and make sure that if she is going to come back to me that she is making the decision on her own. She wants to "choose" me, this time around.

 

It is just so hard. Like i said, despite our disconnect, i have very strong feelings for her, and am dying inside thinking that she not only doesn't want me, but that she is hoping to start dating other people very soon. She wants me to start seeing other people as well. She thinks it would be good for both of us. I just don't know what to do. I can't stop her, she is dead-set on being free for the time being. I have asked her to keep trying to work it out between us, but she is very negetive about the efforts we have made so far, which hasn't been much. I think we can work through this if she is 100% committed to making it work, but she is not.

 

Even if she decides to come back to me in a few months or so, i don't know how i will feel if she tells me she was with other men, since i was the only man she has ever been with. It kills me to think of it, and i might not be able to put it past me.

 

Lastley, i have no idea what to tell our 3 kids (ages 8,7,4). We both agree they need to hear something, since we are going to be spending time away from each other. I just don't know what to say. How do you explain seperation to your kids.

 

Please help!!

[RedDevil66]

Hi, sorry you're in pain. This is tough.

I'm a women who's been in her shoes and the hard part is, when a women shuts down, it's close to impossible to get them to turn back on.

 

If she's telling you you can see others and she is ok with that, then she really has no connection.

 

You can't make her change her mind. At this point, let her go.

 

But I can tell you this, once a women does this and she goes out there and realizes after all this time and with 3 kids, it's going to be hard to date, she may realize what she lost and come back.

 

Sounds like she just needs to regroup. Worse thing you can do is beg her or be needy even though you're dying inside and want to fight for her.

Let her see you don't need her and she may change her tune.

 

Hugs. I know this is hard

[comj49]

I know i need to stay strong, but it is just so hard. I came home drunk last night and cried like a baby right in front of her. I knew it was wrong, and she didn't even shed a tear. It is just unbelievable that after this many years, she is that far gone.

 

Thank you for the advice. Hopefully i can pull it together and get through this. I am thinking of telling her that if she had any idea at all about comiing back to me, then she better not sleep with anyone. I really feel I would have to divorce if that happened. I couldn't look at her in the same way knowing she was with someone else while we were married, even in a seperation. Is there a good way to communicate this?

[RedDevil66]

I know i need to stay strong, but it is just so hard. I came home drunk last night and cried like a baby right in front of her. I knew it was wrong, and she didn't even shed a tear. It is just unbelievable that after this many years, she is that far gone.

 

Thank you for the advice. Hopefully i can pull it together and get through this. I am thinking of telling her that if she had any idea at all about comiing back to me, then she better not sleep with anyone. I really feel I would have to divorce if that happened. I couldn't look at her in the same way knowing she was with someone else while we were married, even in a seperation. Is there a good way to communicate this?

 

No, there is no good way to say this. You can't say this. She will run faster to someone if you give her an ultimatium.

You have to just let her go

 

My ex of 11 yrs left me for another women, Oh I begged and pleaded and he ran faster.

 

Then when I finally gave up, he was crying for me back. BUT I was over him by then and happy so.

 

Don't cry, don't beg, don't say anything to her no matter how much it hurts and the best thing you can do is get into some therapy to help with this transition.

 

I know how much it hurts to think of them with others. It's the worst pain imaginable.

I have no words to sooth that pain...........and no more drinking for now. It only causes more pain

[comj49]

thank you! I needed to hear that. I will do my best!

[RedDevil66]

thank you! I needed to hear that. I will do my best!

 

Keep posting also. It's better to get out the sadness here than with her.

 

hugs........x 1000

[Gunny376]

I'll try and make this as easy as I can ~ but what I'm about to say isn't what you want to hear. I'm not exactly what you would call 'politically correct' in expressing my viewpoint. So I'll just cut to the quick.

 

She's not going? She's gone! She's already left you in her mind mentally and emotionally long ago. Getting out into the work force for the first time has given her a Hugh sense of self confidence and independence ~ for the time in her life.

 

While you've taken one in the bow in losing your job. The roles have been reversed. Along with the surge in independence and self confidence ~ whole new realities have opened up to her.

 

She's telling you flat out telling you that she wants to separate and be free to date other men, and that you should telling you that you should date other women.

 

Let me break it down to you and translate. Its over.

 

The one chance you've got is to become "in-different" either way. Accept the situation for what and how it is, make your mind up to go on with your life, take full responsibility for who and what you are as a person. Accept full responsibility for your happiness.

 

You've become so ingrained in your role as a parent and husband that you've shut off any and all other possible realities.

 

You and you alone are responsible for your own personal happiness, and that's not dependent upon any other one person. Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be.

 

Were it me I would issue not so much an ultimatum ~ but more a statement of fact. "Once you walk out that door ~ once you walk out on me? There's no coming back! Ever!" And then I would let her make her choice.

 

If she choose the door? That would be the end of it ~ in so far as I would be concern. IMHO, what she is saying is nothing more than abuse. And I don't play that game.

 

What one will abuse? Another can certainly use!

 

Now the complicating factor in all of this? You've got three young one's at home.

 

But what are you gonig to do?

[comj49]

thanks for the advice. I didn't say it, but i actually got a better job 6 months after i got laid off, so i am employed. We can afford to both live apart for a while, so i am not dependent on her in that way.

 

I am already attempting to get my mind focused on life without her. I know this is the right way to approach it, from everything you guys are saying and from everything i have read recently. I will get some kind of counseling very soon. Thanks again. If you have any other advice, please keep it coming, otherwise I will post an update when things start to progress. I like reading the posts on this site that actually have some kind of ending, so you know how certain things worked or didn't.

[RedDevil66]

some more advice; try to avoid doing things like drinking or sleeping with other women since this is only going to make you miss her more.

Focus SOLEY on you. Get therapy, get to the gym, meet friends for a game, take walks etc.

This won't come right away because the pain is just too great, but there are days you'll have to push yourself and go into "fake it til you make it" mode.

[comj49]

It has only been a week, but I have gone through tons of emotions. I keep trying to talk to her and convince her that we can work this out, but she is so focused on going her own way. I know this is a mistake, and am trying hard not to seem desperate and needy, but it is so hard. I really think if we both went to counseling seperatley (i will be going soon, she doesn't think it would help), then came back and worked on the relationship together, we could have something special.

 

She wants us to hang out together with both of our families during Christmas "for the kids". I just don't feel comfortable doing that. I enjoy her family, but i would feel too weird being with them, as if everything is fine between us. Even though i am being very understanding in the whole situation, i have too many feelings of anger, frustration, and abandonment to be in the same room with her. Maybe we can do things like that in the future, but not yet.

 

The other thing that scares me is that i am slowly moving on. I truly believe that she will come around sometime, and it would be ashame if we didn't get the chance to make things right. The more she refuses to try, the more pain i feel, which makes me want to just end it, hoping to make the pain go away. I am afraid of making a rash decision, but it seems so hopeless.

[dazzle22]

Well, I think the other posters have given you some fabulous advice. These are some points from my perspective.

 

I also was a woman who grew up in a strict family. My father would have crucified me had I had premarital sex. ...people think I'm kidding...not. I married too young, and did not wait for the love of my life to be ready for marriage, but instead got married to a good man, that I was not in love with. At the end, I acted exactly like your wife did. She has been slowly turning off the burner for years, and now it is on OFF. You CANNOT get her back by begging or pleading. She has to see something in you that she could yearn to have back, that she can miss, and if you do what you are doing now, that WILL NOT happen.

 

You say she forgave you for cheating on her. Guess what? No, she did not...she saved herself for you...and you cheated on her. You see, after all these years, she wants to GET HERS, you see? For you to tell her she can't sleep with anyone else, or you couldn't stand it, how do you think she felt hmmmm??

 

Go on as best you can, let her see you doing well, let her admire you from a distance, and then there may be a chance she will come back. Especially because of the kids you have together. But to be upset if she sleeps with someone is hypocritical. She sounds a lot like me, and you better believe that I would get some quid pro quo before coming back to you!

[comj49]

Good points. I agree that my view is hypocritical but am i wrong for thinking that cheating during a marriage is worse than cheating when you are first dating? I know the emotions she felt back then would be the same i would feel now, but we both made a commitment to each other when we got married, and i have fullfilling that commitment. I didn't tell her not to sleep with anyone, i told her that if she did, it would make it hard for us to work things out. She should know first hand how difficult it was getting those thoughts out of her mind. Why would she want to add that to the list of issues we already have? Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

The bottom line is she has a faithful husband now, someone that is excepting of his faults within our marriage, and someone who would love just one more chance to make things right.

 

I appreciate the honesty. I feel like she is living in a cloud, only doing what she wants, blocking out everyone else. Maybe i am living in a cloud as well, blocking out the fact that i screwed up our marriage from the beginning. If that is the case, then it is over.

[dazzle22]

In order for her to contemplate leaving a husband and 3 children, she must really feel she has missed out on something or sacrificed something she now cannot any longer do without. What could that be from what you know of her?

 

I think the fact that you have three young children increases your chances that she will come back. I really think it is best if you would ask her exactly why she feels she needs to leave, tell her you are sorry you can't give her that or didn't give her whatever that is, and wish her well...if you want her back. Then calmly go on and do a great job with the kids and keeping up whatever you can, and perhaps working on whatever she feels she is missing, and my guess is, she will be gone for awhile, and then miss her home. But if you give her any ultimatums and tell her what she can and can't do (you can't in reality do that anyway - people do what they want to), she could cross you off for good.

[comj49]

I am still stuck waiting for her to decide what she wants to do. the more i wait and the more i read these posts, the more i realize it is hopeless. I don't think i want her back as of this point. Why would i want someone who could do this to me? I recently had a vacation that was work related and met someone who made me realize that if things don't work out, there are plenty of women who would appreciate what i have to offer, and that felt great. I don't want to move on, but i might have no other choice, and it hurts so bad. I don't know if i should just end it so i can move on and end the pain, or do i wait and make myself more miserable, i just don't know anymore. I just want something to happen, it has been only a month, but it feels much longer. I can't take much more!

[seibert253]

Com, are you guys still living together?

 

Is she making any effort, such as counseling, to fix what's wrong?

 

Do you know if she's "seeing" or has "seen" anyone else?

 

Something makes me think there may already be someone else in the picture, or at least waiting in the wings.

 

If you answer yes to one or both of the above, then do some investigating.

 

If she's making no effort in the marriage, then IMO you are wasting your time while she "finds herself"

 

Contact an attorney and weigh your options.

 

If you file D papers and have her served it will be sh#t or get off the pot time.

 

How long are you willing to wait. If you wait 6 months, a year, or whatever, and she bails, it's wasted time IMO.

[comj49]

Com, are you guys still living together?

 

Is she making any effort, such as counseling, to fix what's wrong?

 

Do you know if she's "seeing" or has "seen" anyone else?

 

Something makes me think there may already be someone else in the picture, or at least waiting in the wings.

 

If you answer yes to one or both of the above, then do some investigating.

 

If she's making no effort in the marriage, then IMO you are wasting your time while she "finds herself"

 

Contact an attorney and weigh your options.

 

If you file D papers and have her served it will be sh#t or get off the pot time.

 

How long are you willing to wait. If you wait 6 months, a year, or whatever, and she bails, it's wasted time IMO.

 

 

We are not staying in the house together, but neither one of us has moved out. We are staying with friends and family while we share time with the kids. I don't think she is seeing anyone, but i can't say that for sure. We talked tonight and it just hurt that much more. I told her how I need to do something, that this is killing me and I am close to ending it, and she didn't seem phased. She just isn't in the same mind set as I am, so she doesn't want to work on the marriage together. She just wants to be free, to experience things she never did before. I think it is obvious what i have to do, but it is just so hard. How long do I wait? It is too hard to sit idle.

[BearMox]

whoa. my heart goes out as I've been there so recently.

 

so she doesnt want to work on it and you do. I came from a similar situation. willing to work on it, my wife of 9 years was hurt and burned out from my mistakes (emotionally shutdown, a crush i confessed, but no infidelity or abuse). she cheated on me and gave up (filed).

 

I was a pastors kid and my would have said my wife was a solid Christian.

 

your history and pedigree dont mean 5h1t. real character cant be bought nor nor acquired through transference.

 

I already doubt your wifes intentions and character at this point. She is hurt, slipping away and sure, you've probably triggered it.

 

Stop caring if its justified on her part or not. stop caring about whether you think she wants to ditch piety and sow some oats.

 

Here's my stopgap "get off the divorce train" advice:

 

1) recognize your are days/months away from infidelity and divorce. pull out all the stops.

2) recognize your kids are worth the effort

3) communicate. no judgement, no criticism. dont escalate or fight. dont even think about pointing our her faults. find out how she feels and touch those feelings. start speaking her love language instead of yours. for example instead of speaking physical affection think:words, encouragement, being positive, be a great conversationalist, being genuine, sharing emotion, etc. tell her how you feel about your mistakes that you've made in the marriage. drop caring about her mistakes completely for now and rediscover her. after that then ask if she wants to go to the great female counselor her mother discovered.

 

my 2c

[Steadfast]

Hi, sorry you're in pain. This is tough.

I'm a women who's been in her shoes and the hard part is, when a women shuts down, it's close to impossible to get them to turn back on.

 

If she's telling you you can see others and she is ok with that, then she really has no connection.

 

You can't make her change her mind. At this point, let her go.

 

But I can tell you this, once a women does this and she goes out there and realizes after all this time and with 3 kids, it's going to be hard to date, she may realize what she lost and come back.

 

Sounds like she just needs to regroup. Worse thing you can do is beg her or be needy even though you're dying inside and want to fight for her.

Let her see you don't need her and she may change her tune.

 

Hugs. I know this is hard

 

This is the best insight you've received comj. Read it over and over again carefully to understand where your wife is mentally and emotionally. Hard as it may be to accept, 99.9% of women do not 'shut down' their husbands emotionally unless there is another man in the picture. The reason she seems so cold, distant and unmovable is because you are the wall blocking her happiness. This is what she has come to in her mind and heart and there is no changing it at this point. Best to let it run it's course.

 

You seem in a big hurry to have something happen; be it stay together and work it out or call the whole thing off and file. Just a guess on my part, but that's a sign you have control issues. Don't take this the wrong way friend; it takes one to know one. I steered my wife and marriage with a heavy hand and didn't even realize it. My intentions were good. Your wife knows you better than anyone, step away for a moment and look at what she's seeing? Is it really you? Prove to her you can give the space she wants.

 

Until you learn for fact another man is in the picture, take a breath and see how things play out. Divorce is forever, go into it with a clear head.

[imagine]

Please read the articles at Marriage builders. Get a plan (Check Plan A).

 

Call back directly. You don't seem to be doing anything solid right now!

[comj49]

My wife and I had to sit down and talk about our kids christmas presents and we started talking about where we are in the relationship. She previously said that she wanted the option of dating, but wasn't actively seeking it out. Well, I asked if she was dating and she didn't lie. She did say she had been talking to someone. I was supportive of everything from the beginning, only because I thought that would help get her back. I have a much different opinion now, and I told her that if she keeps going down this road, that I will not wait for her, and that I will have to take some kind of action, possibly a legal seperation. I think it would be good for me to get all of the divorce details out of the way now, while I am still in sound mind, versus waiting until she is together with someone and then she blindsides me with a divorce, or I am so pissed off, we can't work things out peacefully.

 

I thought i could handle her talking to people, but the more it is real, the more hurt i get. It feels like I am being cheated on. She isn't flaunting it, but it still pains me to think that someone else gets her attention, the way I used to. The most painful part is that she seems just fine with what is going on. She isn't feeling any kind of guilt or pain, she is free to do whatever she wants, and it excites her.

 

My question is: How can I stay with someone who is so blatantly pushing me away? Am i wrong for wanting to just divorce right now. It has only been a month and a half, but I don't see this getting better anytime soon, and the pain is just so bad, I can't do anything but think about her. I don't want to do anything that I might regret, but my pride is really starting to kick in, and I can't beleive she would do this without even a second thought about working things out with us.

[seibert253]

She fancied this guy she's "talking to", long before she decided she need space. Right now, she wants to explore her new friend and see where it leads. All the other crap about you two "dating", or you being around is nothing more than her keeping you hanging around in case the other dude doesn't work out. You are the "fall back on".

 

You deserve better. She's not confused, she wants to go and play around for a awhile, see what else is out there, then come home to her loyal faithful husband if she doesn't find prince charming. Typical my friend.

 

You need to throw a big monkey wrench into her plans. Here's what I would do:

I would have a sit with her and tell her how you feel, and how she's broken you heart by what she's done. But, let her know you still love her and you want your marriage to work.

Then I would tell her she needs to make a decision; come home and work on healing your marriage, or divorce. I would make it crystal clear that if she is seeing someone else, whether you are seperated or not, you consider this infidelity. Tell her if this occurs, then in your opinion she does not want to repair your marriage and you will immediately file for divorce.

 

Dont' put up with her fencesitting. She will stay poised ontop of the fence as long as you let her. She needs a little push to see which side of the fence she lands on.

[karajh]

I have been on this same roller coaster ride for a year and honestly.. you just get over it after a while.. you don't want them anymore and you know that it is time to move on. Do you really want to be with someone that would treat you like that.. someone that supposedly loved you more than anything. I guess we do fall out of love (quoting the person that normally left)... or maybe we just become so self absorbed that we decide not to care about anyone.. You deserve better and it is out there... !

 

Good Luck!

[comj49]

I think i am done, officially!! We were at my son's basketball game this morning and since we don't stay in the house at the same time, she stayed somewhere last night. I previously posted that i was certain she was going on a date last night, so my 7yr old son and 4 yr old daughter were asking there mom where she stayed last night. They are very curious about details. She couldn't tell them where she stayed, or wouldn't with my parents and her parents sitting right behind us. It was poetic justice and complete torment all at the same time. It is so obvious that she stayed with whoever this guy is, and she couldn't think of anything else to say. I decided right there that this just has to end. I will not sit by while she disrespects me and the family we created while i do nothing.

 

Not only that she just happened to "volunteer" to watch the kids on New Years eve, which i thought was curious. I would have guessed she would want to go out. Right after the kids were done questioning her, a lady came up and said how excited she is to go to this party on New Years Eve that my ex-sister in law is holding and can't wait to see her and our kids there. What i am assuming is she was happy to take them to this party, because it is very possible that my ex-sister in law hooked her up with this guy. I don't know that for a fact, but I wouldn't doubt it.

 

Either way it was just such a huge blow, that I can't even look at her. I have no respect for her anymore, and I can't wait to get on my own and never have to worry about her.

[comj49]

So after my initial thoughts about her seeing someone else, i confronted her, just to make sure I wasn't making a rash decision. She had an explination for where she was over the weekend and that even though she is "talking" to someone, it isn't anything but that, yet. I am forced to believe her at this point. I did let her know that I will not stay if she decides to date other people. I was almost too understanding at first, but always had second thoughts about us dating other people. I don't think we will ever work things out if there are other people keeping us apart. It would be too easy for either of us to get distracted from the goal of making our marriage work. She seemed receptive to reading "Divorce Busting", which i read recently and recommended to her. She also is willing to go see and IC, the same person I will be seeing. This is at least some kind of progress in the right direction. She is still wanting her freedom, but is willing to make sure it is the right decision before she makes a decision she is going to regret. I told her in not uncertain terms that if she really wants to be a free women, then I will not stay, and we will get divorced. Ever since I said that I have had more peace than in the last month. I don't know if it is due to her acceptance to counseling or just the fact that I am OK with us divorcing if she chooses to keep on her current path. I hope it is the latter, since I still have very little hope things will work out. Either way, I had a good day today, best in a while. Hopefully it will last.

[curiou]

So after my initial thoughts about her seeing someone else, i confronted her, just to make sure I wasn't making a rash decision. She had an explination for where she was over the weekend and that even though she is "talking" to someone, it isn't anything but that, yet. I am forced to believe her at this point. I did let her know that I will not stay if she decides to date other people. I was almost too understanding at first, but always had second thoughts about us dating other people. I don't think we will ever work things out if there are other people keeping us apart. It would be too easy for either of us to get distracted from the goal of making our marriage work. She seemed receptive to reading "Divorce Busting", which i read recently and recommended to her. She also is willing to go see and IC, the same person I will be seeing. This is at least some kind of progress in the right direction. She is still wanting her freedom, but is willing to make sure it is the right decision before she makes a decision she is going to regret. I told her in not uncertain terms that if she really wants to be a free women, then I will not stay, and we will get divorced. Ever since I said that I have had more peace than in the last month. I don't know if it is due to her acceptance to counseling or just the fact that I am OK with us divorcing if she chooses to keep on her current path. I hope it is the latter, since I still have very little hope things will work out. Either way, I had a good day today, best in a while. Hopefully it will last.

 

comj49,

 

You're not FORCED to believe anything! People who are having another relationship while married will do and say anything to downplay what is going on. She has slept with him, or at the very least they've been intimate. How often has a woman ever stayed over at a romantic interest's house overnight without some hanky panky going on?

 

don't take this the wrong way, but you're ALREADY showing her that you'll let her do what she wants. What you're saying is, "I'm not going to tolerate this." But what you're doing is sitting around waiting for her to piss on your relationship more.

 

Protect yourself, dude. I agree with the earlier poster's suggestions about forcing her to get off the fence.