My wife wants space after 9 years.....

[Algonquin]

Good for you - You took control back and made her think twice.

 

It's good she's going to do counseling and use the same person as you. Doesn't mean that all will work out, but atleast there's a chance.

 

Time will tell, so for now, take care of you, distance yourself from her and see how things go.

[nobmagnet]

poor you.My stbxh played me like a fool too. I shoved him off the fence.............he chose to stay on the otherside. I feel I took control again. It has been agony but in the long run I am happier and more content than ever. I am a better person for the pain and working through of MY wants and needs. I have never done that before as it was always about HIM. You let her sail her ship. Although it is promicing she is willing to go for councilling. You made yourself clear and she is in no doubt where you stand on this situation. Well done.

 

Stay strond and try as little contact as is possible. Its hard when you have children as we do but do your best.

 

hugs xx

[jmargel]

I don't know if it is due to her acceptance to counseling or just the fact that I am OK with us divorcing if she chooses to keep on her current path. I hope it is the latter, since I still have very little hope things will work out. Either way, I had a good day today, best in a while. Hopefully it will last.

 

It's neither. It's because you started to gain confidence and you want resolution to this matter. It's because you refuse to roll over and piddle on yourself when she steps upto you. It's because you are starting to realize by tolerating her actions will set the course for continued disrespect.

 

Get what you want without using fear, by using confidence. The most powerful people in this world, the ones that get what they want use this confidence. The leaders that use fear are the ones that will eventually fall. Set strict boundaries with her. Let her know that even though you love her and will be willing to invest the time and effort into fixing this marriage, you will no longer tolerate her behavior. Dating, having an emotional connection to this other guy, partying, introducing your children to other men are deal breakers.

 

Don't beg, don't buy her stuff. Don't be all lovey dovey with her. Start setting short term goals for yourself and your children and to move on with your life. It's time that you start to make some decisions.

[reboot]

She's doing a lot more than just "talking to someone". I can find you a thousand threads on here that started just like yours. Odds are pretty good she's sleeping with someone else and has been for a long time now. Wake up.

[comj49]

Thanks for the advice, and you are probably right, she is dating this guy and maybe more. As much as I want to find out the truth, I am content with not knowing. I live in Michigan and it is a no-fault state so what could I do with the info anyway besides get pissed and maybe do something stupid. I told myself I wouldn't spy on her, to keep my diginity intact. It is obvious what is going on and I don't need proof anymore. She is so negetive about getting back together because she doesn't want to give up her single life. Well, I am accepting of that, which will make my decision easier. Thanks for all the advice, I was really hoping my wife was different, and our story would be different, but she is the same person i have been reading about on this site for the last month. She is gone and I am OK with that. She is going down a destructive path that will catch up with her someday, and I won't be there to help her in the end. It's just really sad, she had a good life, a supportive husband and Kids that all love her, an extremely helpful and supportive mother and father, only to turn her back on all of us is just a shame.

[nobmagnet]

awwww. shame indeed.

 

be strong for you kids i am sorry to say but they have never needed you more. This affaire or whatever will run its course quite soon. Please insist she doesnt introduce this "worm" to the children for their sakes as i am not too sure where her head is and so sensible thoughts are long gone.

 

my thoughts are with you xx

[comj49]

Well, christmas and new years are over!! Thank God!!! I did have some fun on new years, so it isn't all bad. I am at a stand still. I know my wife is seeing at least 2 people, she is lying to everyone, including herself, that it isn't anything serious. I went to see a counselor, and he was pretty convinced based on how she is acting, that she is having sex with one or both of these guys. I am trying to stay patient, I don't want to make a rash decision, but the days are numbered. I know it, my family knows it, her family knows it. She is heading for divorce and I don't think she knows it. The fog is so thick around her, it is almost unbelievable. I was such a wreck in the beginning, i did all the wrong things in hindsight. Why would she stop when I was giving no indication I would leave. Well, she knows it now (I think), and I do mean it. I have thought alot about the future, and I could see myself on my own. I lived with friends before, but never had my own place. I am sure things will be hard, especialy for the kids, but it may be best for everyone. I just can't bring myself to make the move yet, scared I may regret it down the road, but I won't wait much longer.

[curiou]

comj49,

 

What is holding you back, exactly? In my situation years ago, I was hoping against all hope that there was some sort of explanation for what my ex-wife was doing, some way of rationalizing it so it wouldn't seem so bad. But objectively (once my friends and family splashed cold water on my face), she was screwing another person. And she had allowed herself to "love" someone more than she loved being married to me. It was devastating, to say the least.

 

If you are the kind of person that can accept that she has cheated, both physically and emotionally, then you might be making your path a little harder on yourself emotionally, because you're giving her some wiggle room. That's okay, people do things different ways, and it's not necessarily right or wrong.

 

But if your standard of marriage does not condone this at all (some people differ), then there is no reason to wait. It only serves to keep you in this painful period longer. I found that once I changed my mindset, looked past this madness, and focused on my goal of helping myself only (not worrying about what she was doing anymore), I was able to emerge from the pain. I filed for divorce. In spite of the backslides, and backpedaling from the ex-wife, the second thoughts, I maintained my decision to leave the defective union we had. I found strength. The funny thing was, it built upon itself. The newfound direction, confidence, and positive attitude just kept steamrolling.

 

I've got a new baby, a new wife, and plenty of material and immaterial things to keep me happy.

 

Good luck.

[Darth Vader]

I know i need to stay strong, but it is just so hard. I came home drunk last night and cried like a baby right in front of her. I knew it was wrong, and she didn't even shed a tear. It is just unbelievable that after this many years, she is that far gone.

 

Thank you for the advice. Hopefully i can pull it together and get through this. I am thinking of telling her that if she had any idea at all about comiing back to me, then she better not sleep with anyone. I really feel I would have to divorce if that happened. I couldn't look at her in the same way knowing she was with someone else while we were married, even in a seperation. Is there a good way to communicate this?

 

 

Chances are, she's already been banging someone else, maybe from her work place(I think you know this). I'd start filing for Divorce now, if I were you, don't drag this thing out. Contact a good lawyer to protect your assets, your home, accounts. Cancel any and all credit cards.

[Darth Vader]

Well, I think the other posters have given you some fabulous advice. These are some points from my perspective.

 

I also was a woman who grew up in a strict family. My father would have crucified me had I had premarital sex. ...people think I'm kidding...not. I married too young, and did not wait for the love of my life to be ready for marriage, but instead got married to a good man, that I was not in love with. At the end, I acted exactly like your wife did. She has been slowly turning off the burner for years, and now it is on OFF. You CANNOT get her back by begging or pleading. She has to see something in you that she could yearn to have back, that she can miss, and if you do what you are doing now, that WILL NOT happen.

 

You say she forgave you for cheating on her. Guess what? No, she did not...she saved herself for you...and you cheated on her. You see, after all these years, she wants to GET HERS, you see? For you to tell her she can't sleep with anyone else, or you couldn't stand it, how do you think she felt hmmmm??

 

Go on as best you can, let her see you doing well, let her admire you from a distance, and then there may be a chance she will come back. Especially because of the kids you have together. But to be upset if she sleeps with someone is hypocritical. She sounds a lot like me, and you better believe that I would get some quid pro quo before coming back to you!

 

 

Some would argue that the situation's different because they were just dating at the time when he cheated, they're married now, different ballgame.

 

However, I do agree 100% with what you're saying, except about cheating and getting yours or hers or whatever. From the sounds of it, they should've never gotten married.

[Darth Vader]

Chances are, she's already been banging someone else, maybe from her work place(I think you know this). I'd start filing for Divorce now, if I were you, don't drag this thing out. Contact a good lawyer to protect your assets, your home, accounts. Cancel any and all credit cards.

 

 

Also go for custody of the children, she's clearly abandoned you. Ask your lawyer about going for abandonment, I don't know if it's the case here, but check it out.

 

Make sure that all friends and family know what she's doing(cheating).

 

Get a separate bank account that she doesn't have access to. Why should you pay for her screwing other men?

[comj49]

Well, a couple weeks have gone by and I am starting to feel much better. The pain and loneliness seemed to have subsided. I can function pretty well at work now, don't think about her 24/7 like before. I think the major changes have been due to actually letting her go. I truly don't care what she is doing. I am OK if we divorce, it won't be the end of the world.

 

We had a blow-up a week ago, which is when we started serious divorce talk. I told her that I couldn't take anymore, and needed to move on. After that we actually had a very good talk. We both went to see lawyers, talked peacefully about time with the kids and finances. Everything is laid out if we choose to file. A week ago I couldn't wait to file. I felt I needed to do it to get some self-respect back. I think when I actually made up my mind that I could do it, without looking back, that is when I started to see things a little different.

 

I know what most people here have said, that I should just move on, what am I waiting for. The one thing I don't want to have after this is regret. I don't want to make these decisions during the time that I am begging for her to come back, and file for divorce because I am angry she won't. She wanted space, and I haven't given it to her. It doesn't change the fact that she has done some seriously damaging things to our marriage, but I just feel like I need to give this time. Again, I feel like I can wait now that I don't have a preferred outcome. There are plenty of good women out there, so if it ends, it ends. I do believe that given the right circumstances, my wife and I could have a great second chance. I don't know if that makes me the most understanding person in the world, or the biggest doormat. I just won't throw away a future with the mother of my children, someone I wanted to be my wife forever, even if it means I have to fight hard to forgive and forget. Obviously, it will 100% have to start with her. There will be no chance of forgivness without true, heart-felt remorse and dedication to our marriage. I know what I am looking for from her, and have no problem moving on if I don't see it. I know she isn't at that point yet, but I feel like I can wait. She needs to figure out what she wants without me and our families telling her what she should do. It is all in her court now. I am just going to keep living my life, having fun, hanging with friends, moving forward, and maybe she will want to be part of that someday. No regrets!!

 

As of a day ago, she has made an appointment with my counselor. We had another really good talk as well. It may be just a start, but it is nice to see she is starting to think about me as a possibility. I might have lied a little before, I would slightly prefer to spend the rest of my life with the women I chose 9 years ago. I love and miss her.

[jesslindy]

Dude, she's cheating on you. Been there, done that. Any niceness or willingness to go to counseling is just her way of keeping you in good graces for Divorce.

 

1. File for Divorce NOW ( Create the Reality )

2. Don't drink too much, Work out instead.

3. Do not call her for anything. Except the kids of course.

4. Be awesome with your kids.

5. READ READ READ!! Anything that will help you become the best person you can.

 

If you want her to come back, that's fine. I truly believe that a man should try to keep his family together, until it's just not possible anymore.

But I can tell you right now you will never get the pictures out of your head man. They don't go away.

 

Your kids will be fine. They are old enough to understand things a little bit. The best thing that you can do for both of them is to not be mistreated. They will remember it. Good luck to you.

[dearhunter]

Com..your story is so much like mine and many others I have read on this site. I also go back and forth hoping and wanting it to work out with my husband. I found out my husband had a 10 month affair, 3 months ago. He moved out (to his mom's) 3 weeks ago, to "think things through". Then I found evidence that he has been seeing her on weekends. His behavior has been irrational and like he's in a fog just like you describe. I also wondered how this wonderful man could turn into this cold and distant person that he has become. I blamed it on midlife, the job, living here in this town we both hate..but what it boils down to is that he wants to be with someone else. He doesn't see what he's doing because he likes it and it's exciting. I am here waiting like the good wife..for him to make his decision and hoping and praying every day that it will be me..all the while he's so nice and fake to me hoping it will keep me from "raking him over the coals".

 

I went to see 2 lawyers today. One of them said, start divorce proceedings today, if we work things out, we can always withdraw them. He said what my husband is doing is wrong and I am enabling him. The other lawyer told me not to file for legal separation or divorce just yet. He said to keep doing what I'm doing, pack things up, sell the house and then talk about splitting things up in a divorce..until then there's nothing pressing. I will be here another 6 months no matter what. If he cuts me off with funds, (I don't work) or doesn't pay the bills, we can get an injunction within a day to take care of that. I haven't decided what to do yet.

 

We don't have kids and that matters..alot. My first husband and I split up when my kids were 14, 10, and 8..and it messed them up pretty good. He ran me down every chance he got and I never said one bad word about him. Regardless, the divorce screwed them up really bad and I would advise if you can stay together, do it. My husband was alcoholic and a cheater so I still think I made the right choice not to subject the kids to that, but it doesn't sound like that's your problem.

 

Think about STDs too..I mean if she's sleeping with multiple guys..you don't want to get something. You have the right idea about leaving her do what she wants to do and moving on to do things you like to do. Exercise, take a class, hang out with friends, be a good dad (cause the kids are probably pretty confused and need at least one stable parent), read, go to counseling yourself..don't talk to her about your relationship. These are things I have been doing and will continue to do even more. It makes me feel more in control, like I'm not on the rollercoaster so much.

dearhunter

[curiou]

dearhunter,

 

your post reminds me of a girl I once knew, who was absolutely in love with a male slut. I mean, the dude cheated all over the place, and this girl could NOT let go of him, no matter how much my friends and I begged her to wake up.

 

She finally contracted HPV (we're talking the venereal manifestations). And she still couldn't let go.

 

comj49, HIV kills.