MM broke it off...how do I cope with pain?

[DiDi123]

I really need some help. Very sorry about TJ on another post.

 

I have copied and pasted my last 2 posts. I reread them and I already know I sound like an idiot and I feel pathetic enough- so please - I am in enough pain......please no horrible comments- I am in enough pain and have no idea how to end this excrutiating pain. I cannot stop crying and have no idea what to do.

 

 

So this is where I am also right now. He just told me this morning that he wants to "be alone" to figure out what he wants. But he still wants to be "friends" and that he still cares for me and has feelings for me. How do you just be f'ing friends?!!!!! They he tells me he just found out that his W has been having an affair for 2 years - which I think has brought this all about. He said he isn't jealous but feels betrayed and needs to really talk to her and figure out what to do.

The other bombshell I got was that he said that he isn't sure about anything, he has no answers for me and that he knows I deserve more and doesn't want to hurt me or cause me anymore pain. Do I believe this bull$****? How on earth did we go from a few days ago having a fabulous loving time together to this? How does a person do this to someone else? What happened? How do I go on now?

I am pretty much on the verge of hysteria - crying and feeling like a stupid fool. How can I be friends? What the heck does that mean? He has been such an emotional support and such a good friend- now he just cuts me off? He keep telling me that I was wonderful and he is truly happy with me but he can't move forward with me until he straightens out the marriage (and stay) or gets divorced- when he can be free to see me. He said he hates sneaking around and lying and he just can't handle living 2 lives anymore- he said he is just too stressed going from being really happy with me then having to leave me and go home and being miserable.

Do any of you think I should believe this crap? Am I being overemotional? Am I wrong to feel like I have been cut off at the knees?

WHAT do I do? I want to just go hide under a rock and just swallow a bottle of my pills and sleep and never wake up. And it isn't just because of him- its everything. I think I am just a miserable horrible person and honestly I don't even want to be around me right now. I hate myself for getting involved with someone and I hate being hurt. I just can't take it anymore. Maybe I am better off just being alone for the rest of my life- I can't go through the pain of being rejected. And the thing is everyone I know thinks I have my $hit together, and I outwardly a happy person, but NO ONE knows how truly awful I feel about myself. Everyone thinks I have the perfect life and I see the positive in everything - I volunteer, I take care of my grandmother, I have loving parents, I have a great job, I am healthy (outside of the hysterectomy I just had) I'm attractive, active, SO why is it I can't find someone that I can love who will love me back??????????????????????????????

 

Wheelwright- thank you.

I know he is struggling and when we spoke told him that he cares more for his marriage than he thinks he does- maybe not so much her, but the history. And you are right about this being huge $hit for him.

I have such a headache, heartache, I am just in such excruiating pain....I took 2 valium a few hours ago and passed out for awhile. I woke up and thought I dreamed everything- then it all came back to me. I know I am pathetic right now- and needy and would take the smallest sliver of anything from him if he offered it. I hate what I must sound like. I just can't seem to understand how we were so happy and now this. His wife doesn't know he knows about the A she's been having- she's denied everything to him. So he does have many hurdles to jump over.

I just want to be happy and in love like we were. I want everything to return to normal. I don't want to live without him. And you are right about false hope being a killer- it is definately killing me. I feel like I am dying.

My friends would not understand any of this- no one would. I don't even know if I can function without him. I did run out of the house after he left this morning and went to the gym and ran hard for 1 straight hour to try and forget all this. But it didn't help. I took a shower - popped some pills and went to bed- which is where I still am. My life revolves around pills to sleep and then pills to wake up and get me going. Not a nice way to live. I don't know if I even have the strength to go to work tomorrow. I'd like to go check into a psych ward and live in a padded room for awhile. I feel as though I am an elastic band that is stretching and the fibers are breaking and I am only moments away from snapping......I don't know how to cope, I don't know how to deal with this........how do I make a future?

 

So I have no idea what to believe anymore- Is it possible he really does care about me and needs this time to realize that? Or is this just all a bunch of crap to make himself feel better so when he confronts his wife about her affair he can "honestly" say he isn't seeing anyone else?

 

I have such a pounding f'ing headache....I am absolutely hysterical right now, HOW can one person have SO many tears- why can't I just be at peace and say f-it?

 

I know there are other things we spoke about that I just can't remember right now, but if anyone can shed some light on what I need to do to survive based on your own experiences I would appreciate it.

 

Thank you

[jennie-jennie]

"So I have no idea what to believe anymore- Is it possible he really does care about me and needs this time to realize that?"

 

Breathe, Didi, breathe. It is definitely possible your MM really cares about you. He has a lot going on right now. It must be a shock to him that his wife has been having an affair.

 

My MM has broken up with me countless times during the years, only to take me back. Don't panic. Your MM is likely to come back. His bond to you is likely as strong as your bond to him. Trust that bond, he will most likely be back.

[DiDi123]

Really? Thanks for telling me to breath- you must know every so often I take big gulps of air because I'm not breathing normally.

 

So this is another question maybe you can help me with. He is planning on coming over tomorrow to finish putting cabinets up in my garage. This morning I told him not to worry about it and to just give me my keys back- which he did- but by the time he left he kept saying he wanted to do this.

 

During everything this morning (me crying) - but there was no yelling or screaming, just overwhelming sadness, he was hugging me and telling me how wonderful I am and I just couldn't stop crying and I told him I feel like an idiot, which he said I wasn't - and I told him I felt like a fool. I asked him why all of a sudden did his marriage and wife matter? They certainly didn't matter when we started this relationship. I told him exactly what he had said to me then- which was he had a roommate situation, and there was no affection of any kind, so based on that information I thought it was ok to pursue a relationship with him. He truly lead me to believe that his marriage was over for several years- way before I came along- and he said yes that's true. But he needs time to figure out what to do. He has not asked me to be patient. He just said he has to do this alone.

Anyway, my question is, do I just go to work and carry on as normal- or do what I would love to do, which is go to work but leave around 10AM (b/c I think he'll probably come over around 9:30-10ish) so I can talk to him. I don't want to be hysterical with him, just try and find out what he means by he wants to be alone. Does he never want to ever see me again? I just don't know. I just don't understand how he could turn me off like a faucet.

And yes, I do agree he was absolutely shocked about finding about his wife's affair- and this probably had more of an effect on him than he realizes. He also has repeatedly told me he can't take the stress of living 2 lives and hurting me. I did ask him this morning what I did wrong, and he kept telling me nothing. DO I believe this? I guess I am having a really hard time figuring out what to believe.

 

I know based on other posts I've read I should be "happy" about this and basically tell him to go and not come back until he has divorce papers- BUT I can't. I just can't do that. I know I deserve more, but I just don't know what to do.

 

In the short term - what do you think about me leaving work to see him?

[DiDi123]

Jennie- What did you do, how did you feel when he broke things off the first time? How long was it before he called you and missed you and you saw him again? How did you take him back and forgive him for the pain he put you through?

 

Thank you for your insight

[jennie-jennie]

My MM told me when he came back after 6 days of NC: "Finally I can breathe again!"

 

Try to be calm. I say don't believe he is gone until you are proven otherwise.

 

"I just don't understand how he could turn me off like a faucet."

That's the question I asked myself also during NC. Turns out my MM had not been able to do that at all. I had been at the centre of his thoughts the entire time.

 

Let your MM sweat a little. Don't go there tomorrow. Let him come to you. He will learn something if he has to come to you. He will see how strong his bond to you is.

 

Now about them living as roommates. Your MM is still married. He must still have bonds to his wife. That is what you are noticing now. It is not easy being the OW.

 

Now how old are you? I ask because if you are young you might not want to remain the OW long term. Because that might be the future you are looking at.

 

And again, don't go there tomorrow. Let him come to you. This was the advice I was given on another site when we were NC. I am so glad I followed it. It made my married man realize so many things. He is still living with his wife for sure, but much has changed to the better.

 

(((((Didi))))))

[fooled once]

Please don't get your hopes up. Just because one person is willing to remain a mistress for years doesn't mean you should, unless that is what you are willing to settle for.

 

He told you he is just wants to be friends ~ which is code for "thanks for the good times, but...."

 

As hard as it is, you need to listen to his words. He is going to try to work on his marriage. Seems like he was quite devestated to find out his wife was screwing around on him; just like he was doing to her.

 

Seems like he wants to fix his marriage. Fixing his marriage doesn't include you *hug*

 

You will be in pain - for a while. Please stop with the valium. You don't need to screw yourself up with drugs to get through this. Grieve, cry, be angry, but don't turn to something to help you get through it.

 

Don't contact him. Don't take his calls. IF he truly wants to be with you, let him come to you DIVORCED. Let him figure out what he wants. Like I said in the other thread, I had a feeling this was coming with his lack of communication when he was off with his buddies.

 

I think he thought it was okay to be engaging in an affair but it rocked his world when he found out his wife was doing the same thing. Makes him quite a hypocrite.

 

I know you care deeply for him. He may very well care for you. But the "friends" speech -- it shows me he really cares more for his marriage.

 

I am truly sorry you are hurting. You WILL get past that. In time. But please don't wait around hoping one day to resume the affair. You deserve better than bits of a relationship - you deserve a whole relationship with someone who can give you his WHOLE self; not someone who is already in a relationship with some one else.

 

*hug*

[jennie-jennie]

Jennie- What did you do, how did you feel when he broke things off the first time? How long was it before he called you and missed you and you saw him again? How did you take him back and forgive him for the pain he put you through?

 

Thank you for your insight

 

The first times I literally thought I would throw up. I started hulking. I was genuinely sick to my stomach.

 

Luckily it would never go very long before he was back. It varied between hours and days.

 

The longest time was the NC for 6 days this fall. I stopped being hungry and thirsty. I was very depressed. I lay in bed mostly. It was pure hell. After a couple of days I started kind of maniacally doing things. I was all over the place. Then he texted me. I made him sweat a little. Made him ask me to call. The reunion was sweet. But when I tried to set new boundaries the next day, I had no success. He knew he wanted me back, but he was still not ready to leave his wife.

 

I know I want him in my life. But I have my kids and my house. I am middle age. Even as a MM he gives me more than any man ever has before.

[jennie-jennie]

I never had any problem forgiving him for the pain he put me through. I know he is struggling too.

[fooled once]

Really? Thanks for telling me to breath- you must know every so often I take big gulps of air because I'm not breathing normally.

 

So this is another question maybe you can help me with. He is planning on coming over tomorrow to finish putting cabinets up in my garage. This morning I told him not to worry about it and to just give me my keys back- which he did- but by the time he left he kept saying he wanted to do this.

 

this is to assuage his guilt. He knows he hurt you badly. He isn't doing this to come back to you; he is doing this to make himself feel better.

 

During everything this morning (me crying) - but there was no yelling or screaming, just overwhelming sadness, he was hugging me and telling me how wonderful I am and I just couldn't stop crying and I told him I feel like an idiot, which he said I wasn't - and I told him I felt like a fool. I asked him why all of a sudden did his marriage and wife matter? They certainly didn't matter when we started this relationship. I told him exactly what he had said to me then- which was he had a roommate situation, and there was no affection of any kind, so based on that information I thought it was ok to pursue a relationship with him. He truly lead me to believe that his marriage was over for several years- way before I came along- and he said yes that's true. But he needs time to figure out what to do. He has not asked me to be patient. He just said he has to do this alone.

Anyway, my question is, do I just go to work and carry on as normal- or do what I would love to do, which is go to work but leave around 10AM (b/c I think he'll probably come over around 9:30-10ish) so I can talk to him. I don't want to be hysterical with him, just try and find out what he means by he wants to be alone. Does he never want to ever see me again? I just don't know. I just don't understand how he could turn me off like a faucet.

And yes, I do agree he was absolutely shocked about finding about his wife's affair- and this probably had more of an effect on him than he realizes. He also has repeatedly told me he can't take the stress of living 2 lives and hurting me. I did ask him this morning what I did wrong, and he kept telling me nothing. DO I believe this? I guess I am having a really hard time figuring out what to believe.

 

I know based on other posts I've read I should be "happy" about this and basically tell him to go and not come back until he has divorce papers- BUT I can't. I just can't do that. I know I deserve more, but I just don't know what to do.

 

In the short term - what do you think about me leaving work to see him?

 

DO NOT leave work. He told you he wanted to figure things out ALONE. You will regret "chasing" him. It isn't going to change things. If it didn't bother him about his wife having an affair and if he really did only have a 'roommate' situation then the news wouldn't have shocked him/blown him away like it has. IF he didn't care for her or if he wanted out of the marriage, then this news would have made him come to you happy and ready to plan a future. In reality, it did the exact opposite.

 

If he wants to see you, he will ask to see you.

 

You CAN get through this. You WILL survive. You WILL one day look back and see how you are glad this happened.

 

I KNOW you are hurting - I really do. Give yourself time to grieve; give yourself time to hurt and be sad. But do not chase him. Do not become one of those needy, clingy women who relies on a man for happiness.

 

Let him work through this - on his own - like he said. I don't think right now you are able to be 'friends' with him because you want more and right now, he doesn't. Maybe one day.

 

DiDi --- please realize you deserve so much more than he is offering you. Do you want to be his mistress? Is that enough for you? Don't you want more than that? I know right now, you think that life is over without him. I get that. I went through that. But I can tell you, it does get better. You will get over him. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through.

[DiDi123]

I'm 43- and during the time we were seeing each other I had to have a total adominal hysterectomy- and he was there- every step of the way with me before the surgery, after and when I was home recovering. He was unbelievable to me.

He has no kids and nor do I.

 

Ok- so I won't go tomorrow- but what if he just leaves my keys? I mean I don't know what he'll do. Also he has some stuff here. I thought about leaving it in a bag for him, but I really don't want to. I also don't want him to leave me my keys- just seems too final.

 

How do I get my answers from him? Just wait? I also know he has mentioned that he really doesn't like the Holidays and while we haven't discussed it, maybe that what pressuring him to.

 

I know we have a lot in common and enjoy lots of things in the summer weather- golfing, boating, etc. and we did speak a few weeks ago about the impending winter months and how they stink. But, does he think that he is going to ignore me all winter and when the weather gets nice he'll see me again?

 

He said he was going to do all these things around my house for me, which he has started some of them, but can I ask if he is still planning to do them? He was going to take my car this week and have new tires put on them- now I don't know if he is still planning to do that. I really don't want to call him or ask him about that.

 

I hope he does come back to me.

 

Just curious - how has your situation changed even though he's still living with her? Are you happy?

I was also thinking of just telling him that I don't want a relationship- just sex- which isn't the truth, but at least I would see him & get to be with him. This is very odd for me to even entertain bc our relationship was never based on sex and we always did lots of other things together (golf, etc.) and he has always told me that is only one small component to being happy- compatibility was more important to him.

 

Also, how will I ever know what's going on with him? What if he never calls me again?

 

Ok- I am breathing again. Very sorry- but I am a hysterical emotional trainwreck right now. Jennie- were you scared? Does your MM help you? I saw him everyday for months and we would spend hours together during my recovery, just cuddling and him taking care of me- so how can he just walk away?

[jennie-jennie]

Just wanting to be friends can also be code for "wanting to do the right thing", ie work on marriage. It does however not say anything about the likely success of that, which is probably low, very low, if he is truly in love with you.

[someonesangel]

Please don't get your hopes up. Just because one person is willing to remain a mistress for years doesn't mean you should, unless that is what you are willing to settle for.

 

He told you he is just wants to be friends ~ which is code for "thanks for the good times, but...."

 

As hard as it is, you need to listen to his words. He is going to try to work on his marriage. Seems like he was quite devestated to find out his wife was screwing around on him; just like he was doing to her.

 

Seems like he wants to fix his marriage. Fixing his marriage doesn't include you *hug*

 

You will be in pain - for a while. Please stop with the valium. You don't need to screw yourself up with drugs to get through this. Grieve, cry, be angry, but don't turn to something to help you get through it.

 

Don't contact him. Don't take his calls. IF he truly wants to be with you, let him come to you DIVORCED. Let him figure out what he wants. Like I said in the other thread, I had a feeling this was coming with his lack of communication when he was off with his buddies.

 

I think he thought it was okay to be engaging in an affair but it rocked his world when he found out his wife was doing the same thing. Makes him quite a hypocrite.

 

I know you care deeply for him. He may very well care for you. But the "friends" speech -- it shows me he really cares more for his marriage.

 

I am truly sorry you are hurting. You WILL get past that. In time. But please don't wait around hoping one day to resume the affair. You deserve better than bits of a relationship - you deserve a whole relationship with someone who can give you his WHOLE self; not someone who is already in a relationship with some one else.

 

*hug*

 

 

Ok Seriously Fooled once, is this tough love REALLY necessary today? I don't think so, most are aware of your position and your "doing it for her" but today isn't the day.

 

Di, I am so sorry. Just reading your post brought me back to our DDay.

 

I was blown away, it was filled with more pain and hurt than I could have ever imagined in a million years. I have never felt that low, nor will I ever again - that was as dark as it gets. I remember saying to him later, you know I have never been suicidal, but there was a moment if I actually knew what to do, that I would have considered it.

 

Your pain, I feel it to the bone and I know you won't believe me, I certainly didn't believe anyone... It WILL get better, but it is a long road, cry... write and cry so more. The best thing you can do, is walk through it, and you will, that I promise you.

 

You may be months away from the "logical" thinking and you know what, that is OK! The most important thing you can do is feel it, whatever you do, do not bury it to make others happy or stop posting for fear of 2x4's.... there will be time for toughlove... today is not in my opinion the day.

 

Breath.... work out and cry as much as you want... post here, I posted a lot on another board when my DDay came.

 

The bright side. Clarity comes with time. We were together almost a year, and we did and do love each other... nothing is ever black or white....EVER.

 

What will happen is a long process, tears, self loathing... and then slowly ANGER, and that will be intense as intense as the pain is, equal to it as it is the core of the pain in a self defense way. Then you will start to question what you want, what you need, what you can/cannot settle for and you will still go back and fourth a bit... waver and try to negotiate.

 

What didn't change for me, I still lose my breath, I love him with all that I am..... but I also now know that love is never simple, and not always enough.

 

My expectations, demands for him to return to my world are clear and he knows I mean it. The funny part, I have spent 4 months getting here and just realized while I have been mourning, growing and truly working on it.... he had the painful and I mean painful realization last night, that he hasn't even began to deal with me not being there and it's been 4 months... he has been so busy putting out fires all over the place, he put him and in turn me second.

 

What will the future bring... I don't know, but I can tell you when you gain clarity you will know what you need and slowly gain the strength to expect nothing less from him. You take your power back, in time..... you do.

 

I know no one can say anything to truly make you feel better.... but I am really thinking of you tonight, and seeing the road I came from, the road I am on and understand. Big hugs and don't be afraid to feel it.... it is the truest recovery.

[whichwayisup]

It will hurt and you'll feel awful for a while..Maybe longer than you want.. But, just remember, you were fine before he came into your life, and you'll be fine again, once you grieve and heal. I think you're alot stronger than you think, but afraid of the pain that is going to come..

 

It basically comes down to this.. He's been married 33 years.. You two have had an affair, than less 6 months. To hope or expect him to leave his wife and divorce, is setting yourself up for a huge fall.. and they have no kids..Something IS keeping him there..

 

I know you're hurting and I don't want to make you feel worse, but any sort of contact with him, a friendship, will just give you hope.

 

If he divorces, then date him. Until then, don't let him convince you to stay the OW, keep the A going. He may want to push that you on later into the future.

[jennie-jennie]

OK, you are old enough to be considering the possibility of being the OW long term in my opinion. Because there are no guarantees with these MM.

 

Forget about the keys, the cabinets, the tires, the help. This is something much more important than these material things. You want a relationship with this guy. That is all that matters now. You will most likely get a chance to talk to him in the future. Stay calm and let him chase you. If he isn't prepared to do that, there was not enough love to start with anyway.

 

Your MM is conflicted right now. He is trying to do the right thing. He has asked for time to be alone and you have to give him that.

 

There is truth in that saying:

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it is yours. If it doesn't, it never was.

 

If he is worth having to you, he will be back.

 

I will send you a PM tomorrow about my personal situation.

[jennie-jennie]

Oh, and don't lie to him. Don't settle for less than what you have had. Don't tell him you are okay with being friends when you are not. That is selling yourself short.

[DiDi123]

FooledOnce,

Thank you. I know I seem pathetic right now. And the last thing I ever was (until now) was one of those crying, clingy needy women. I can't even believe I allowed myself to become this.

No- I don't want to be the other woman.

 

And yes- why on earth didn't I think to say to him he should be happy she's having an affair?

 

Basically I'm the loser that got sucker punched...I just don't know how to deal with this.

 

I won't leave work tomorrow. Promise.

What if he calls? Do I take his call? Gosh I sound so stupid? I can't even make a simple decision. I'm sorry. I just can't cope with this and it seems to be that I'm afraid of my own shadow.

 

As for the pills, I had a terrible anxiety attack today (actually a few of them) and the valium help me. I did go to the gym- and ran harder than I probably should have but I remember feeling while I was on the treadmill that I'm either running hard and fast away from something or running to something and felt at any moment I was going to hit a brick wall. But the gym didn't help. That's why I need the pills.

 

I know they are my crutch right now, but what else do I have to help me through this? I know I keep asking this but how could he have done so much for me and just leave me like this? I know part of the answer is that it isn't all about me. And I know I have to let him figure this out, alone as he has asked, but its just so hard. He has never cut me out like this.

The other thing that crossed my mind was that this morning was the first time ever that he did not hug me or seem happy to see me this morning. I had coffee and made blueberry muffins for him- so I wonder if something happened between them Saturday night.....maybe I'm just out of my mind and paranoid, and making myself crazy????

[jennie-jennie]

I would take his call. Why not? It is not you who has asked for time alone.

[fooled once]

Ok Seriously Fooled once, is this tough love REALLY necessary today? I don't think so, most are aware of your position and your "doing it for her" but today isn't the day..

 

Yeah, your right

 

Let's fill her head with false hope.

 

Let's have her wait breathlessly for him to come back to her.

 

Let's have her sit on pins and needles hoping for a text or a phone call.

 

That's the smart way to do it.

 

Seriously - how about letting her know that "just friends" means its over.

 

DiDi - do the stuff around the house yourself. Get your own car taken care of. I helped a friend through her radical hysterectomy 3 years ago. I took her, I waited for her to be out of surgery, I spoke to her doctor, I visited her every day while in the hospital and took her home. I went to her house every day.

 

That shows compassion. That shows caring. Good for him for being there for you.

 

But that doesn't mean a life time commitment.

[jwi71]

Wait a minute.

 

Why SHOULD he care that SHE'S having an A?

 

I though it was a dead lifeless M? HE was planning on leaving, etc...

 

What on Earth does he need to talk to her about?

 

OH Didi, please open your eyes and recognize the sniveling lying cowardly PoS your MM is. The only truthful thing he has said to you was his name.

 

Run darling run.

[jennie-jennie]

Yeah, your right

 

Let's fill her head with false hope.

 

Let's have her wait breathlessly for him to come back to her.

 

Let's have her sit on pins and needles hoping for a text or a phone call.

 

That's the smart way to do it.

 

Seriously - how about letting her know that "just friends" means its over.

 

Well, you know, Fooled, if he does come back she will have felt better while waiting. If he does not come back, she will realize that soon enough.

 

Most MM do come back. That is just the way it is.

[someonesangel]

Yeah, your right

 

Let's fill her head with false hope.

 

 

NO where in my post did I suggest anything of the kind:rolleyes:

 

Seriously, I appreciate at times your directness, but at times people do need to cry, feel sorry for themselves... there are allowed a hagadez day, and I agree with Jennie.... not YOU or anyone else knows what he is thinking, FAR to fresh..so why not empathize a bit ( right you do between blows) and let her feel it.... pretty important if she is going to get through it.

 

Too early to know anything, especially considering he just found out about his W affair.... the emotions are running ramped on all sides.

[someonesangel]

Well, you know, Fooled, if he does come back she will have felt better while waiting. If he does not come back, she will realize that soon enough.

 

Most MM do come back. That is just the way it is.

 

Exactly and in the meantime she can process her hurt and gain strength to deal with whatever the final outcome is.

[DiDi123]

SomeonesAngel,

THank you- and everyone else for your help.

Jennie- I would love to hear from you- but I'm not sure if I can get those messages yet (when does that happen anyway?)

 

Can I post my email address here? I am still relatively new here so I am not sure what the rules are.

 

WhichWay- I know what's keeping him there- or at least part of the reason. Convenience and because its been easy for him. He has told me that he basiclly lives a "single life"- with little or no affection or communication for several years. Disturbing that means (according to him) thinking about buying her out of the house, what to do with the dogs )he loves them- and I have cats, and he has his workshop and business set up in the house, and all those other things (he's on her health/dental insurance), etc. I wonder if he'll really look to "leave all that". I think he believes he has things very convenient and easy right now and I really don't know if he'll leave that situation. He's also retired and he has said he wants to just enjoy his life (he's 58)- and starting over with me would mean huge changes for him.

 

I don't know. I just don't know. I feel as though SomeonesAngel said- completely blown away with pain. I trusted him. I thought briefly today about ending everything. I'm fried, I'm done, I'm exhausted. Its just too painful to live like this. How do I just go on? I must be stupid bc I just can't seem to deal with this.

 

I hear all of you, I understand as an intelligent rational person, but why can't I just let it go- why can't I just stop this pain?

[Lizzie60]

Come on Didi .. I know this must be very hard for you.. but this guy is lying to you.. we can all see that..

 

He's in a miserable marriage (according to him), has no kids...loves you.. learns that his W had an affair.. and NOW he wants to work on his marriage.. REALLLLY!!!!

 

Methink he suddenly got 'jealous' of her.. He was OK being in a miserable marriage as long as he thought she was faithful, dependant and he could have an OW on the side.. but now he learned that she was unfaithful, not dependant on him.. stronger than he thought she was.. oh-oh.. that whipped his ego.. he now finds himself in a 'vulnerable' situation...

 

I have a hard time with women (W) who are being 'doormats' to their H.. and who keep taking their jerks back over and over.. believing all their lies and 'accepting' to be 'manipulated' but an OW.. honestly.. you need to run NOW... don't ever talk to this idiot again.. really...

[fooled once]

FooledOnce,

Thank you. I know I seem pathetic right now. And the last thing I ever was (until now) was one of those crying, clingy needy women. I can't even believe I allowed myself to become this.

 

You aren't that. You are just having a moment; you are just dealing with something. You want to make sure you don't become that. And I really don't think you will *hug*

 

No- I don't want to be the other woman.

 

GOOD! See, that tells me that no matter how sad you are right now, you KNOW you deserve better than just a part time person. You know that you aren't willing to settle to be the side dish. GOOD for you! Keep that thought. And take the thought out of your head to tell him you just want sex. That belittles you. You know you deserve better and ARE better than that!

 

And yes- why on earth didn't I think to say to him he should be happy she's having an affair?

 

Basically I'm the loser that got sucker punched...I just don't know how to deal with this.

 

That's cause there is no manual for dealing with hurt and betrayal. You are not a loser; you are just someone who made a mistake in getting involved with a married man, no matter what circumstances he said ('we are just roommates", "I am not happy", "We have been this way for years", etc).

 

I won't leave work tomorrow. Promise.

What if he calls? Do I take his call? Gosh I sound so stupid? I can't even make a simple decision. I'm sorry. I just can't cope with this and it seems to be that I'm afraid of my own shadow.

 

Thank you for the promise Don't take his call. Don't be available to him. I know this will be really hard for you. But you can't continue to be his 'fall back' person. He said friends. Great. So friends don't talk every day. And friends need time when the other friend hurts them. I don't think you can be friends with him; but I understand your desire RIGHT NOW to think you can be.

 

As for the pills, I had a terrible anxiety attack today (actually a few of them) and the valium help me. I did go to the gym- and ran harder than I probably should have but I remember feeling while I was on the treadmill that I'm either running hard and fast away from something or running to something and felt at any moment I was going to hit a brick wall. But the gym didn't help. That's why I need the pills.

 

I know they are my crutch right now, but what else do I have to help me through this? I know I keep asking this but how could he have done so much for me and just leave me like this? I know part of the answer is that it isn't all about me. And I know I have to let him figure this out, alone as he has asked, but its just so hard. He has never cut me out like this.

The other thing that crossed my mind was that this morning was the first time ever that he did not hug me or seem happy to see me this morning. I had coffee and made blueberry muffins for him- so I wonder if something happened between them Saturday night.....maybe I'm just out of my mind and paranoid, and making myself crazy????

 

I just worry that the pills are going to become the norm. I would hate to see you fall into an abyss because of them. I would hate for there to become an addition to them; an easy crutch you turn to. Please be careful with them.

 

What happened is I think he realized he doesn't want to lose his wife. I really do. I don't say this to hurt you like someone thinks. I say what I say because I HAVE BEEN THERE. I have hurt like there is no tomorrow. I have wanted to crawl into bed and never get out again. I have wished to just be gone so I didn't have to deal with the pain. The ONLY thing that kept me from doing anything was my son. I HAD to get out of bed because he had to go to school, he had to eat, he had to live his life. But I understand the depths of despair you are feeling. And I am so sorry you are hurting.

 

*hug*