MM broke it off...how do I cope with pain?

[DiDi123]

FA-

Thanks for the hugs and I think he didn't realize how much he didn't want to let go of lifestyle/home/retirement accounts and how easy he has it now with her. He can lead his life the way he wants with the exception of being alone (in the sense of his having no emotional/physical needs fulfilled) and be just fine.

But now that he's learned of her affair I think when he out-and-out confronts her he knows he has to end the M. I think that's eating away at him. I also think he wants to be in a position of saying either "I haven't cheated on you" (which I don't think he'll do) or he'll be in a position to say "Yes I had an affair for 5 months" but I ended it. I don't think he'll lie to her about that. He already has a guilty conscience and has told me that. I can also see how stressed he is. And maybe just maybe he's done me a huge favor because I am not so sure I could deal with this path he has to take over the next year......

[DiDi123]

BEG- thanks for being able to understand and share that with me- I just don't know how to shake this misery.......

[Brokenlady]

Didi,

I think his telling you that their marriage was qualitatively over and they just lived like roomates was just a way for him to justify the affair. (I got this line too). If that were really true, he could have ended the marriage. He didn't want to, something very compelling was keeping him there - maybe good reasons, maybe bad, but compelling nonetheless.

 

And interestingly, the fact that he is so shook up about his W having an A should tell you something. If he really wanted out, there is his ticket! He could have been relieved, but instead he's busy feeling all betrayed because it was only ok for HIM to cheat. The man is nowhere near ready to exit.

 

He led you to believe a set of circumstances that were conveinient to him. He may even have believed them himself, but now the jig is up. I'd really like to believe that his sorting stuff out alone is a favor to you, but more likely he's just being selfish again because his ego is wounded by his W's A. Him asking to remains friends is also inherently selfish. He's a creep, plain and simple. Try to remember that you're mourning the person you thought he was more than the person he is - because the person he is isn't that great.

[DiDi123]

Jennie-

So thanks for your concern. I am going to have a cup of tea in a few minutes- as for food...well blech- I feel as though I could puke now if there was anything there. I am finding it difficult to even speak good morning to people today.

 

"Good for you that you have been clear from day 1 what you want. Now does that mean that you are not prepared to go back to being the OW at all from now on?"

I have been holding on to this thought throughout all this. I WAS CLEAR from DAY 1- very clear about what I wanted. I even told him at the time that if he wasn't comfortable with that he should tell me now- because that is what I want. I never lied to him about my needs- so thankfully he at least acknowledges NOW and is honest about if he can ever give me what I want- granted it would have been nice to have this tidbit of information when we started seeing each other.....

 

"I don't agree with those who think your MM's reaction to his wife's betrayal is strange. He feels hurt and betrayed, natural feelings when someone close to you has hid something of this magnitude from you. His world was not what he thought it was. He has to come to terms with that. Well to answer your question"

Yes- I tend to agree with you. And I don't think he is jealous- I think he is more shocked and surprised. I did tell him he shouldn't be. I came right and told him that it isn't normal to be married or a relationship and not have sex for 3 or more years or have no affection. He said the last time they did it was a little over 3 years ago and he never finished- he just stopped because he felt nothing and she was unresponsive. SO I asked him- didn't you think that was a problem? He said he did but that it would somehow fix itself.

He really was content to just continue along the way he was until I came along - and he did tell me something else yesterday that I just remembered. He thought that after a few months I would get sick of all the bull$**** and leave him. He never thought I would be here for him. I was pretty upset about that. And I did tell him that he knew bf we have sex that I haven't been with that many people and that for me to do that I have to be very serious about the other person. So it isn't as if he didn't know these things about me.

 

I just can't imagine that he doesn't think about me or miss me. I guess maybe he does but I highly doubt that he'll act on it. And even if he does- I can't go back to being the OW. I just can't. I can't go through anything like this again.

 

Its taking everything I have within me to carry on...

[DiDi123]

BrokenLady-

...the jig is up.....

Yep- he didn't have to make any real life changing decisions before and thought he was in control of what was going on. Now that he knows about her affair he knows he can't continue the way he was- because now he knows.

ANd I do think his ego took a shot.

 

Can you try to help me understand what you meant by this statement?

"I'd really like to believe that his sorting stuff out alone is a favor to you, but more likely he's just being selfish again because his ego is wounded by his W's A."

 

Let me just say I am not upset by anything anyone wrote at all, ok?

 

But do you think that he wasn't being honest about not hurting me anymore and trying to be alone to sort things out?

 

Or do you mean that he is breaking things off with me because he is deep down really pissed at his wife because she's been having an A for 2+ years?

 

Or do you mean that -well I can't even think anymore! sorry! I guess I am trying to understand and can't hear what your saying and I want to. Does this make sense?

 

I also think that he should have been ok with learning about the A his W was having because that does open a door for him. And I think in time he will be ok with it. But something he said makes me wonder- he said the sudden-ness of finding all this out within the last few days has freaked him out. I think it was the last thing he was expecting.

 

And maybe, just maybe he is completely overwhelmed right now.

[Brokenlady]

He thought that after a few months I would get sick of all the bull$**** and leave him. He never thought I would be here for him. I was pretty upset about that.

 

This statement really stuck out to me. DM said this to me a few months into our affair. It didn't occur to me until later what that statement really meant. It meant that several months hence, he would still be married, and living with his W. He was planning on NOT leaving. (He did leave, but not until another 3.5 years passed). Later on, I noticed he'd talk about thing a few months ahead that refernced him still being with his W. I guess I heard what I wanted to hear instead of what he was actually saying.

 

Hope you are feeling a little better today.

[DiDi123]

Well- I just thought of something.

 

On one hand I do love him and hate to see him in pain and suffering.

 

On the other hand I'd like to ........

 

Well, you get the idea- Is this normal? I've never felt the urge to really hurt someone before- but I think I am getting kind of pissed off now the more I think about it.........

 

Are there stages that I need to be aware of? Please if anyone can help me - please let me know what's coming......

[fooled once]

DiDi **hug**

 

I really think you are grasping at straws....

 

I don't believe his tales of not having sex for the last 3 years. That is a common theme MM tell. It then comes out that it was a lie.

 

So many OW, myself included, believe what comes out of the MM's mouth as if it is gospel. They aren't going to say life is great at home, sex is wonderful --- because what type of woman is going to want to be with a man for a long term relationshp where he is having a great marriage? Men use these lines on guilable women. We believe them because we want to nurture them, we want to be all that their wives aren't. We want to show them how good WE are for them.

 

The news of his wife's affair has ROCKED his world. Which shows me he really has had no intention of leaving his marriage for you. I don't say that to hurt you, I really don't. But if the marriage had been dead like he says, he would have rejoiced because this gave him an "out".

 

But instead, he wants to talk to her; and IMHO, work things out with her. He isn't ready to throw away 33 years - 33 years -! It isn't just about retirement accounts. It is about a lifetime of being with someone.

 

I wish you didn't hurt like you are. But you will survive it. You will get through it. You will come out the other side. You will be stronger because of it.

 

I am very glad you aren't going to go home early. Be also prepared that maybe he didn't do whatever you asked of him to do.

 

IF by chance his marriage does end, remember it is only ending because his wife had an affair and he couldn't handle it. I guess he expected her to handle his, but he isn't liking this shoe on the other foot experience.

 

IF the marriage ends, he will need time. Months to years to grieve it. So are you prepared to wait that long? To be his 2nd choice?

 

Gosh DiDi, you deserve so much more than you are getting. You deserve more than waiting by the phone, waiting for him to stop by for a bit. You deserve a FULL TIME person, not a part time husband of someone else.

 

I understand needing the help to sleep - I went through a lot of Tylenol PM in my time ~ anything to get my mind to stop. So many questions and no answers. Just be careful, okay? Your family still loves you and they want you in their life. He isn't worth your life. He really isn't.

 

I hope you can eat a little something today, you have to keep your strength up. **hug**

[DiDi123]

Fo- thanks *sniff*

I am choking back tears bc you are probably right.....

[justforfun]

 

Right now its about surviving another minute, hour and day. I really don't care about anyone else right now. I am just in pain. Horrible tortured pain.

 

 

That is such an extreme reaction as to be outside the expected 'normal' range of appropriate response that I would stop and look at how it is that any break up could possibly cause me this much pain and turmoil. It's not the response of a mature adult.

[justforfun]

 

I wish you didn't hurt like you are. But you will survive it. You will get through it. You will come out the other side. You will be stronger because of it.

 

That's not going to happen unless the OP addresses the issues that she has surrounding relationships. I would suggest some alone time so that the OP can resolve whatever it is that is causing her to respond to this situation in such an extreme way. And work through this with professional input.

[Devil Inside]

That is such an extreme reaction as to be outside the expected 'normal' range of appropriate response that I would stop and look at how it is that any break up could possibly cause me this much pain and turmoil. It's not the response of a mature adult.

 

I agree with this statement...but maybe I can explain further to make it more palatable to you in this time of pain DiDi.

 

Often, when a person feels a very intense and painful response to the loss of a lover then it is indicative of a person that may have abandonment issues.

 

All break ups are hard. However, if there is an intense physical and emotional sensation that is debilitating...then you may actually be re experiencing past losses that are triggered by the current loss.

 

I found this to be the case for me when my A ended. It hurt a little too much. I then thought back and realized...this is how most of my break ups felt. Working on some of my child issues has helped. Without this work you may be in for a world of hurt the next time you end a relationship.

 

DiDi....I know how much it hurts. I am sorry for your pain. Try to love yourself first. Please eat, and try to sleep. Let us know how you are doing.

[fooled once]

Crap DiDi *hug* I don't want you to cry!!!

 

I just want you to have your eyes wide open and all.

 

 

I know you are struggling. I wish there had been this site around when I went through my heart break. I wish I had others who had been throught it and who knew the probable outcome.

 

I COULD be wrong about all this; but if experience has taught me anything, it has taught me that this relationship is over for you.

 

I wish I could believe different, but I just don't. I don't think you want me (or anyone) to fill your head with visions of a happy ending, when in reality, that probably won't happen.

[DiDi123]

Justforfun- I don't think I am an immature adult-

I think I just wrote whatever I was feeling at that moment.

 

So, perhaps you can tell me what would be the appropriate response- just say - oh well another relationship doesn't work and not feel anything?

 

We are all different people and I think handle different situations in different ways. Yesterday I was shocked, hurt, confused and really upset. Today I am still feeling that way- but just not to the degree that I was yesterday.

Does this make sense?

 

Upon reflection I think this whole thing sucks.

 

 

DI- Thanks for further insight- And maybe I do have abandonment issues- I sure feel pretty abandoned right now by him.

[RedDevil66]

Please don't get your hopes up. Just because one person is willing to remain a mistress for years doesn't mean you should, unless that is what you are willing to settle for.

 

He told you he is just wants to be friends ~ which is code for "thanks for the good times, but...."

 

As hard as it is, you need to listen to his words. He is going to try to work on his marriage. Seems like he was quite devestated to find out his wife was screwing around on him; just like he was doing to her.

 

Seems like he wants to fix his marriage. Fixing his marriage doesn't include you *hug*

 

You will be in pain - for a while. Please stop with the valium. You don't need to screw yourself up with drugs to get through this. Grieve, cry, be angry, but don't turn to something to help you get through it.

 

Don't contact him. Don't take his calls. IF he truly wants to be with you, let him come to you DIVORCED. Let him figure out what he wants. Like I said in the other thread, I had a feeling this was coming with his lack of communication when he was off with his buddies.

 

I think he thought it was okay to be engaging in an affair but it rocked his world when he found out his wife was doing the same thing. Makes him quite a hypocrite.

 

I know you care deeply for him. He may very well care for you. But the "friends" speech -- it shows me he really cares more for his marriage.

 

I am truly sorry you are hurting. You WILL get past that. In time. But please don't wait around hoping one day to resume the affair. You deserve better than bits of a relationship - you deserve a whole relationship with someone who can give you his WHOLE self; not someone who is already in a relationship with some one else.

 

*hug*

 

 

I was coming in here to answer your other question from the other thread, but as this post says it all.

Fooled and I think very much a like. This is some very wise advice.

 

I'll reply more when I'm home and not at work

[fooled once]

That is such an extreme reaction as to be outside the expected 'normal' range of appropriate response that I would stop and look at how it is that any break up could possibly cause me this much pain and turmoil. It's not the response of a mature adult.

 

I totally disagree JFF.

 

DiDi is going through what MOST OW go through at the end of an affair. I remember not wanting to get out of bed, of hating going to work. There were no cell phones back then ~ email and regular phones only ~ so I would constantly call home to see if he left a message, checked my email so many times a day ~ sped home to see on my 'new' caller ID if he had called. When he didn't, I sank deeper into depression. I lost 20 lbs due to not eating. The ONLY thing that made me function was my son. This lasted about a week or so.

 

She will get through it.

 

Maybe you just have never been in this type of relationship so you don't understand. Most of your relationships seems to be just about sex, not a commitment. Maybe that is the difference?

[RedDevil66]

Ok Seriously Fooled once, is this tough love REALLY necessary today? I don't think so, most are aware of your position and your "doing it for her" but today isn't the day.

.

 

Oh please, her advice was stellar and nowhere near "mean" tough love

[RedDevil66]

Maybe next week all this tough love will help.... but I have been there... and it is falling on deaf ears, regardless of what you think.

 

I have only suggested she let herself feel it, not encouraged her, feel it and let some clarity come in then she can start to peice it together.

 

AND FO suggested something other than you did.... Is her advice wrong and yours right?

 

How do you know her advice fell on deaf ears?

[RedDevil66]

The MM don't come back for sex. They come back for the relationship they had.

 

.

 

WOW! Not sure whether to laugh or cry over this comment!

[RedDevil66]

DiDi, my heart really goes out to you. I so feel your agony in your posts.

 

I PROMISE you it will get better. You need to stay really focused on you and your health right now. I recall the days when my ex of 11 yrs and I broke up.

I didn't eat, sleep etc. It was really damaging.

Allow yourself to cry, feel pain, scream and yell, but in between this, you need to force some healthy food into you and please, stop taking too many valium.

 

Also, I know you're raw right now and are sucking up all the advice you're getting on this thread, but I would suggest you void the advice that comes from places where no healing has began.

 

That is like the blind leading the blind. Listen to the wiser of the bunch and to those who walked this road and made it out with their dignity and self respect.

 

You can PM me any time.....Please take care of you ok?!

 

SUPER HUG :-)

[justforfun]

I totally disagree JFF.

 

DiDi is going through what MOST OW go through at the end of an affair. I remember not wanting to get out of bed, of hating going to work. There were no cell phones back then ~ email and regular phones only ~ so I would constantly call home to see if he left a message, checked my email so many times a day ~ sped home to see on my 'new' caller ID if he had called. When he didn't, I sank deeper into depression. I lost 20 lbs due to not eating. The ONLY thing that made me function was my son. This lasted about a week or so.

 

Exactly this is what I have seen on here to be the response that most OW's experience. And what I am trying ti point out is like it or not it is NOT a reasonable response and in no way within the range of normal. Maybe if the OP could recognize this and work through this with professional help she will avoid feeling these extreme emotions in future.

She will get through it.

 

Maybe you just have never been in this type of relationship so you don't understand. Most of your relationships seems to be just about sex, not a commitment. Maybe that is the difference?

 

Your perception would be wrong. I am involved in sexual relationships now but in 40 years I have had more than one type of relationship. But, personal attacks aside, this is not a commitment. Not even close. It's an A with a MM.

[DiDi123]

Rd- thanks- I know that I have to be careful.

 

I appreciate all the responses and try to really hear what everyone is telling me.

I have never been in this type of situation before and never imagined anything like this happening.

 

I am just trying to get a grip on the situation and figure out how best to cope right now. I need to get back control of my life.

 

Please don't stop posting- I need all your help and continued support- I really do appreciate the help.

 

Thanks so much.....

[justforfun]

Rd- thanks- I know that I have to be careful.

 

I appreciate all the responses and try to really hear what everyone is telling me.

 

 

Please don't stop posting- I need all your help and continued support- I really do appreciate the help.

 

Thanks so much.....

 

I really do recommend that you seek the help of a 3rd party professional. It's definitely the way to go. So you can get through the feelings you are having and work on being able to make healthier choices in future. And avoid having to respond in such an extreme way if for any reason they don't work out.

[DiDi123]

JFF-

I'm trying to get through this the best I can.

 

Have you ever gone through a break up that hit you hard? That was unexpected?How did you handle it? If so, weren't you hurt or scared? Or really upset?

[justforfun]

JFF-

I'm trying to get through this the best I can.

 

Have you ever gone through a break up that hit you hard? That was unexpected?How did you handle it? If so, weren't you hurt or scared? Or really upset?

 

Yes I have. And I got through it with therapy..therapy and more therapy. I learned to examine myself and self regulate. But it's not until you understand how extreme your reaction is that you can move towards healing in a way that will help you not to experience this again.

 

And I would also recommend a book called Love Addiction by Pia Melody.