MM broke it off...how do I cope with pain?

[Impudent Oyster]

"So I have no idea what to believe anymore- Is it possible he really does care about me and needs this time to realize that?"

 

Breathe, Didi, breathe. It is definitely possible your MM really cares about you. He has a lot going on right now. It must be a shock to him that his wife has been having an affair.

 

My MM has broken up with me countless times during the years, only to take me back. Don't panic. Your MM is likely to come back. His bond to you is likely as strong as your bond to him. Trust that bond, he will most likely be back.

 

Why do you give people false hope like this? Do you think it's supportive?

[Impudent Oyster]

Well, you know, Fooled, if he does come back she will have felt better while waiting. If he does not come back, she will realize that soon enough.

 

Most MM do come back. That is just the way it is.

 

 

Unless they come back free and clear (signed divorce papers in hand), then why would anyone WANT THEM?

[torranceshipman]

A romantic partner should make you feel happy, loved, secure and content...that's the beauty of being in love. He does none of these things for you, but he does make you cry, feel pain, and feel misery. A person who you are in love with should NEVER hurt you like this guy has - never. It isn't normal - love shouldn't be miserable sacrifice, it should be wonderful and add great value to your life. This isn't healthy love on either side, because why would you want to get this kind of treatment back in to your life, and why would he want to dish it out. It's masochistic.

 

Why not step back and be open to falling in true love with someone who CAN make you happy? If you get back with this guy, the exact same break will happen again, and then you'll be sad all over again. It is waste of time to live your life like this...

[fooled once]

Exactly this is what I have seen on here to be the response that most OW's experience. And what I am trying ti point out is like it or not it is NOT a reasonable response and in no way within the range of normal. Maybe if the OP could recognize this and work through this with professional help she will avoid feeling these extreme emotions in future.

She will get through it.

 

 

 

Your perception would be wrong. I am involved in sexual relationships now but in 40 years I have had more than one type of relationship. But, personal attacks aside, this is not a commitment. Not even close. It's an A with a MM.

 

Oh for heaven's sake, it wasn't a personal attack. You have been posting about how you are having sex with a MM and his friend. *shrug* My point was maybe you don't know what it is like to love like many OW have? Unless you have been IN LOVE with a MM and then have him stomp on your heart, you don't get it. I divorced my ex and didn't feel even half of the pain I felt when my 'relationship' with a MM ended.

 

Unless DiDi has prior breakup anguish like this, I don't think she needs professional help because of how she is right now. If she is still this way in a month, then yeah, maybe so. Right now, she is dying inside because the world as she knows it has been flipped upside down. She is reacting like MANY OW have acted and that doesn't mean we/her are immature and in dire need of counseling. It means her heart is broken in a zillion pieces and she doesn't know what to do.

[RedDevil66]

Therapy has it's place and certainly if DiDi is reacing like this in months from now, then yes, she would need some guidance.

 

I don't think she's being immature AT ALL, I think what's happened here is she got caught up in the insane world of cheating and affairs. There is no rational and no sense with emotions in these situations.

 

JFF, you're talking about all this therapy you're having, but it doesn't seem to be working or valuable if in fact you are still a cheater with another man's husband?!

 

Why all that therapy then?

[jnj express]

DD---I am new into this thread, and I haven't read all of the posts, but I got enuff of all of this to know, you will never get yourself straight the way you are thinking. You are only going to get one run thru life on this planet, and you had better do the best you can for yourself. You know, and have known the answer to your problem since the beginning. You need to end this with this guy completely, you end it now, you go NC and you stay NC. You weren't just dropped out of the sky, you know there is no future in life with a MM. The sooner you stop this , the sooner you will start to heal, or would you rather go thru the rest of your life as you are now. You still have plenty of time, to go out and find a good loving sincere, honest single man. Many have baggage, but many don't. Your choice here, live with a cloud over your head pathetically as you are now, or go out into the sunshine!!!!

[DiDi123]

Hi All,

Thank you so much for the support and advice.

As I said earlier I was a trainwreck yesterday and I can own that.

And today I still feel that pain- but to a lesser degree as "the blood flow to my brain has started again" (can't remember who said that yesterday but they were spot on!)

 

So, yes I am hurting and no I have never experienced a break up like this before or ever been a relationship like this (with a MM) so this is all new to me.

 

I am stronger than I think and I will be ok- just needed a day to have a meltdown I guess. Just so you all know- I am normally a very level headed calm, rational person who does not over react and behave like a hysterical crazy person. I think my emotions got the better of me yesterday. I'm not sure if therapy would help me right now - but I would always leave the door open. And I don't think I am immature adult (at least not on any regular basis!)- It's the same thing as saying I'm a bitchy- which we all can be- but it doesn't mean we are actual bitches. Does that make sense?

 

Be back later- thank you ALL again

[Brokenlady]

Can you try to help me understand what you meant by this statement?

"I'd really like to believe that his sorting stuff out alone is a favor to you, but more likely he's just being selfish again because his ego is wounded by his W's A."

 

But do you think that he wasn't being honest about not hurting me anymore and trying to be alone to sort things out?

 

Or do you mean that he is breaking things off with me because he is deep down really pissed at his wife because she's been having an A for 2+ years?

 

Or do you mean that -well I can't even think anymore! sorry! I guess I am trying to understand and can't hear what your saying and I want to. Does this make sense?

 

I also think that he should have been ok with learning about the A his W was having because that does open a door for him. And I think in time he will be ok with it. But something he said makes me wonder- he said the sudden-ness of finding all this out within the last few days has freaked him out. I think it was the last thing he was expecting.

 

And maybe, just maybe he is completely overwhelmed right now.

 

I'd like to think he realized that he was being selfish, that he shouldn't be steamrolling you while he decides what he wants. I'd like to think he wants you to off the rollercoaster while he does his waffling, and that he'd come find you when he's all set. But I don't think it's that. I think his discovery of his W's A confused him. It possibly made him want her more. Some men are like that with romantic rivalry - they don't want something until someone else wants it. It's immature, but quite possible. (In fact with a guy like this, you may find that he comes around again if he discovers you are dating someone else. I've seen it many times). And the selfish kick in the pants is that he STILL wants you to hold his hand through his coping with his wife's "betrayal" ("as a friend").

 

Again, that discovery could have been an easy ticket out of the M without his ever having to disclose his A. Strange, especially for someone who claims to want to leave anyway, no? He should have been ecstatic. That would have been his free pass not to look like a cheating jerk and put all the blame on her. And further - why should he be concerned about confronting her if he wasn't still having sex with her? He shouldn't have been exposed to anything right? It smells funny - I think he was still having sex with her, however infrequently.

 

And now that we know both of them have been stepping out on each other, it leads one to wonder even more why he doesn't just leave. Neither of them seems to want the marriage, so why bother?

Edited November 23, 2009 by Brokenlady

[whichwayisup]

I am stronger than I think and I will be ok- just needed a day to have a meltdown I guess

 

You'll have good days, bad days, angry days, sad days... Just keep in mind that is you healing, going through various stages. Let yourself feel it and then let it go.. Try to do nice things for yourself daily. Pamper yourself, go shopping, eat your favourite foods, be around friends that make you laugh and feel good.

[Dexter Morgan]

I have such a pounding f'ing headache....I am absolutely hysterical right now, HOW can one person have SO many tears- why can't I just be at peace and say f-it?

 

how do you cope? he is a cheating snake in the grass son of a b!tch. Why do you want that?

 

that is the way you need to be looking at it. He is a bastard, good riddance, he'd only cheat on you down the road. He is a cheater, liar, and jerk. Thank your lucky stars....he did you a favor.

[justforfun]

Oh for heaven's sake, it wasn't a personal attack. You have been posting about how you are having sex with a MM and his friend. *shrug* My point was maybe you don't know what it is like to love like many OW have? Unless you have been IN LOVE with a MM and then have him stomp on your heart, you don't get it. I divorced my ex and didn't feel even half of the pain I felt when my 'relationship' with a MM ended.

 

Unless DiDi has prior breakup anguish like this, I don't think she needs professional help because of how she is right now. If she is still this way in a month, then yeah, maybe so. Right now, she is dying inside because the world as she knows it has been flipped upside down. She is reacting like MANY OW have acted and that doesn't mean we/her are immature and in dire need of counseling. It means her heart is broken in a zillion pieces and she doesn't know what to do.

 

I haven't been in love like many OW. That in itself is an alarming point that you make. From the posts I have read it is more of an all consuming obsession. The emotion you feel isn't rational. This person is lying, cheating, emotionally abusing you and you continue to 'love' them. I assure you that is not a reasonable response.

 

I don't think I need to have been 'in love' with a married man to know what a relationship break-up is. Their isn't some special love that OW have for MM that makes it an exclusive club. But if your are saying that it does lend more credence to the idea that somehow there is a certain type of person that gets into this situation...a more needy person perhaps?

 

I think you're misunderstood the therapy issue. Her reaction is extreme. The situation she has got herself into is unhealthy. In order to make better choices in future I would recommend that she seek guidance outside of a group of OW.

[justforfun]

Therapy has it's place and certainly if DiDi is reacing like this in months from now, then yes, she would need some guidance.

 

I don't think she's being immature AT ALL, I think what's happened here is she got caught up in the insane world of cheating and affairs. There is no rational and no sense with emotions in these situations.

 

I don't think you understand my point either. Her reaction is extreme. She has chosen a path of self destruction. She has gotten herself caught up in something that ultimately is not healthy for her. I'd want 'help' to avoid that in future

 

JFF, you're talking about all this therapy you're having, but it doesn't seem to be working or valuable if in fact you are still a cheater with another man's husband?!

 

Why all that therapy then?

Since you've been reading my posts then you would know why that is a silly question.

 

But, if the re is anything that is not clear and you want to ask me something without the sarcasm I would be more than happy to answer.

[jnj express]

MM---if as you say you have really broken it off, then the fastest way to get rid of your pain, is to find a new love interest, so many claim that they find love instantly with others, I think it's infatuation, but no matter it takes away from the thought processes of the break up you are going thru. Tell me if you can or are willing, what do you see for yourself, three years from now??. What do you see for yourself during the holiday season coming up?? You have the power to free yourself of this debilitating obsession. Addicts when they finally hit bottom figure it out, why can't you

[wheelwright]

Glad you are feeling a bit better DiDi.

 

I too had this kind of extreme response, and had not encountered anything like it before.

 

Perhaps the loss of this kind of relationship is especially difficult, as there is not the normal kind of dying off that might happen in other types. It's sudden, and we are (perhaps foolishly) unprepared.

 

I think BSs who didn't know there was anything wrong come DDay go through similar extremes due to lack of preparation too.

 

It is worse when we just didn't see anything was wrong. You have to get your head round all the contradictory feelings. And it's like cold turkey. The withdrawal is horrid.

 

This forum has helped me to see that the collapse doesn't signal that you are pathetic. Lots of us seem to go through it.

 

However, I think Devil Inside is right in that it might be triggering old abandonment issues. It did for me. Perhaps look this up on the WWW.

 

I would also warn you that DDay may be on the horizon for your MM. And who knows how he may respond to that, but prepare yourself in case.

 

Hope you are still working through this OK.

[DiDi123]

Hi-

So I am actually feeling much better- thank you all.

I feel much more relaxed and comfortable now that I've calmed down.

 

I had no idea what has come over me, (maybe its all the support I have received here!!!!) but my mind is in a better place- my heart however is still in much pain. I think what I did today was try to distance the 2. Is this the perfect solution? Probably not- but again its my coping mechanism and has made me feel more human and in control of my emotions.

 

I know everyone that has responded is genuinely try to help me and I take no offense to what anyone has said. You have all been through this or are going through this and I really appreciate your help.

 

I reread some of my posts from yesterday and gosh I can't believe that lunatic was me! lol..(ok pitiful chuckle, but at least it was a little chuckle) Oy! I don't EVER want to be there again. I mean OMG, what on earth was I thinking?

 

Well, I am taking some of your suggestions- first being that I am going to the market and getting some organic eggs and coming home to make myself some fresh pasta with fresh veggies- why? because I want to and because I really like it- AND because I deserve it! Plus its so healthy and yummy!

 

You are all correct about that I have to take care of myself and put me first.

[fooled once]

I haven't been in love like many OW. That in itself is an alarming point that you make. From the posts I have read it is more of an all consuming obsession. The emotion you feel isn't rational. This person is lying, cheating, emotionally abusing you and you continue to 'love' them. I assure you that is not a reasonable response.

 

I don't think I need to have been 'in love' with a married man to know what a relationship break-up is. Their isn't some special love that OW have for MM that makes it an exclusive club. But if your are saying that it does lend more credence to the idea that somehow there is a certain type of person that gets into this situation...a more needy person perhaps?

 

I think you're misunderstood the therapy issue. Her reaction is extreme. The situation she has got herself into is unhealthy. In order to make better choices in future I would recommend that she seek guidance outside of a group of OW.

 

That is YOUR view - that doesn't make it the correct view. If something should happen and me and my H split, I can tell you I would be an absolute mess. I would be hysterical. I would be overcome with heart break and grief. I would be miserable. Want to know why? Because I LOVE HIM. I love him and I want my life WITH HIM.

 

More needy? This from the 40 year old woman screwing a MM 15 years younger and his friend? Really? You don't consider that needy?

 

Of course OW know the relationship is unhealthy. They aren't stupid. They may be naive to get involved with a MM, but many OW are told lies by the MM - lies about how horrible his life is at home, how they don't communciate, how she doesn't understand him, blah blah - these men play on women's heart strings. They play on the nurturing side of women.

 

You don't understand it and that's okay. But don't start throwing around words like needy, unstable, unhealthy, etc. Just because many women aren't like you who need validation from various men (to be thought of as sexy, beautiful, etc). Because you are just bed hopping, you aren't involved in a relationship and laugh all you want at the term relationship, but to many OW, that is exactly what it is. They are told they are loved, they are wanted; they are told they are what the MM needs, they are soul mates, etc.

 

Like i said before, you may not have experienced a deep, passionate, consuming love. That's fine. But don't throw stones at those that have because you don't think they are reacting appropriately to the demise of their hopes and dreams.

[fooled once]

DiDi **hug**

 

How was the pasta

 

Glad you are eating; that is a good first step in the right direction.

 

So, how were things when you got home? Was the work done? Did he leave the keys? Update when you can!

[Virgo1982]

Though many people don't believe in a difference between loving and being in love, I think the difference lies in want and need. When you love someone, you may not feel you need them. But if you want and need them, you are in love. Furthermore, it is more acceptable to say you would be devastated if your H left you because he is your H. However, if an OW says it, the fact that he is M, makes a huge difference in the mind of others.

 

If I thought my H was so great to marry him and believe he would never cheat on me, I would probably be devastated if I found out he had an affair. But because I have already built a life with him, I would likely become bitter,try to sort things out, or divorce. When an OW realizes the reality of her situation, she is likely to become bitter, try to sort things out, or move on with her life.

[wheelwright]

I think Virgo's account of wants and needs may be important here.

 

It is more important to satisfy needs than wants. Perhaps love is a feeling and a want, but needs are more linked with society and our values from upbringing eg staying committed.

 

I just think this is a really interesting juxtaposition re affairs. Needs and wants.

 

I understand many individuals say they need love, but so many people live without that all consuming unconditional sort. Live well and contribute to society well. So we don't really need it.

 

Having said that, I still can't reconcile this with the strength of my feelings. They felt like a need being realised.

 

But hey, this is far too philosophical.

 

What I mean to say is, pain sucks. What kind of need did that fulfill?

[Virgo1982]

I think Virgo's account of wants and needs may be important here.

 

It is more important to satisfy needs than wants. Perhaps love is a feeling and a want, but needs are more linked with society and our values from upbringing eg staying committed.

 

I just think this is a really interesting juxtaposition re affairs. Needs and wants.

 

I understand many individuals say they need love, but so many people live without that all consuming unconditional sort. Live well and contribute to society well. So we don't really need it.

 

Having said that, I still can't reconcile this with the strength of my feelings. They felt like a need being realised.

 

But hey, this is far too philosophical.

 

What I mean to say is, pain sucks. What kind of need did that fulfill?

 

The need to see the truth. Not what you want to believe, but what you need to know-the truth.

[RedDevil66]

I don't think you understand my point either. Her reaction is extreme. She has chosen a path of self destruction. She has gotten herself caught up in something that ultimately is not healthy for her. I'd want 'help' to avoid that in future

 

Since you've been reading my posts then you would know why that is a silly question.

 

But, if the re is anything that is not clear and you want to ask me something without the sarcasm I would be more than happy to answer.

 

I don't think her reaction is extreme at all. It may be extreme to you, but for most people, a break up or pain causes severe reactions.

 

As for wanting to ask you something, no thanks, I'm good

[RedDevil66]

MM---if as you say you have really broken it off, then the fastest way to get rid of your pain, is to find a new love interest, so many claim that they find love instantly with others, I think it's infatuation, but no matter it takes away from the thought processes of the break up you are going thru. Tell me if you can or are willing, what do you see for yourself, three years from now??. What do you see for yourself during the holiday season coming up?? You have the power to free yourself of this debilitating obsession. Addicts when they finally hit bottom figure it out, why can't you

 

are you joking? You're advising her to find a new love interest to get over this?

 

This is a joke right? Where are the hidden camera?!

[DiDi123]

Hi-

FO- the pasta was delicious!!

I haven't eaten in 2 days so it felt so good!!!

 

He did do the work, but didn't leave the keys. He also called to let me know he did the owrk and hoped I was happy with it. I said thank you. He said he misses me. (already?) Well, I had to go so didn't have time to continue the conversation.

 

I think he'll contact me again.

 

But I need a rest and need time for me. I'm exhausted. I need a break. The last few days were just too much for me and can't ever go through that again.

 

I am going to focus on me, spend time with my family, workout, and just take care of myself. I am also going to rest- ALONE.

 

And for those of you suggesting I immediately date? Oh no. Not right now anyway. I really just need to work on me. I never thought about abandonment issues- I have a very stable family and had a wonderful childhood and fabulous parents who have been married 47 years and are still in love. How would abandonment issues figure into this? In previous relationships when I have seen things aren't probably going to work out, which has saddened me, but usually after discussing with the other person we have come to amicable, non-dramatic ending. I have maintained friendships with most of my ex's- not that we speak on any kind of regular basis but we email from time to time to see how each other is, who we are dating, how the families are- that sort of thing.

[justforfun]

That is YOUR view - that doesn't make it the correct view.

 

And I'm entitled to my views, no? But, is your view the correct view?

 

Over and over again their are OW posting here about there OTT responses to break-ups. Over analyzing every action and believing lies that are clearly obvious to anyone looking at this rationally.

 

If something should happen and me and my H split, I can tell you I would be an absolute mess. I would be hysterical. I would be overcome with heart break and grief. I would be miserable. Want to know why? Because I LOVE HIM. I love him and I want my life WITH HIM.

 

I don't believe that breaking with a loving husband (did you say 10 years in another post) in any way compares to being dumped by a MM. If you do then fine. It's your marriage not mine.

 

Of course OW know the relationship is unhealthy. They aren't stupid. They may be naive to get involved with a MM, but many OW are told lies by the MM - lies about how horrible his life is at home, how they don't communicate, how she doesn't understand him, blah blah - these men play on women's heart strings. They play on the nurturing side of women.

That's a contradiction in itself. They know the relationship is unhealthy. Then they go on to believe the things that the MM has said that are all indicators of a healthy relationship.

 

Many women have a nurturing side but the lies that a MM tells does not bring that side out in them nor tug at their heart-strings.

 

IMO, they play on the needy side of these women. The need for validation and the willingness to settle for less while pretending it's more.

 

These women do need validation, they need assurance that, although they are clearly settling for an emotionally abusive relationship, they are somehow loved and needed...as you said 'soul mates.' You would have to need a partner pretty badly to settle for what you are getting and believe that you are getting something that you are not.

 

You don't understand it and that's okay.

And you're an authority or just someone else with an opinion?

 

But don't start throwing around words like needy, unstable, unhealthy, etc.

I can add to the list gullible to. It's obvious these women, in the most part, are not loved. But again that is only obvious to those willing or able to see that.

 

They are co-conspirators too. They are equally involved in deceiving themselves into believing that this is a relationship, this is love.

 

 

Like i said before, you may not have experienced a deep, passionate, consuming love. That's fine. But don't throw stones at those that have because you don't think they are reacting appropriately to the demise of their hopes and dreams.

Yes you did say that before. And I corrected you.

 

But as I have also said. This definition of love is an extremely unhealthy definition. Or are you saying that it is healthy?

 

Hopes and dreams or delusions?

 

Not throwing stones, just having an opinion and ducking the stones thrown at me because of it.

[justforfun]

Just because many women aren't like you who need validation from various men (to be thought of as sexy, beautiful, etc).

 

More needy? This from the 40 year old woman screwing a MM 15 years younger and his friend? Really? You don't consider that needy?

 

Because you are just bed hopping, you aren't involved in a relationship and laugh all you want at the term relationship, but to many OW, that is exactly what it is. They are told they are loved, they are wanted; they are told they are what the MM needs, they are soul mates, etc.

 

This has to be the most striking to me.

 

I am in fact sleeping with two men and they do not validate me in any way.

 

But it's ok for your MM to bed hop? They can be sleeping with two people they can be bed-hopping but they are not consider to be needy or looking for validation that they are attractive, sexy and can still 'get' a woman?

 

But you throw that at me that I am?

 

That double standard is another indication of the skewed thinking of OW. That he is somehow excused his behaviors. Behaviors that you would clearly not tolerate in someone else. Behaviors that in your mind make me a defective person and the MM? What does that make him then?