MM broke it off...how do I cope with pain?

[jennie-jennie]

Hi-

FO- the pasta was delicious!!

I haven't eaten in 2 days so it felt so good!!!

 

He did do the work, but didn't leave the keys. He also called to let me know he did the owrk and hoped I was happy with it. I said thank you. He said he misses me. (already?) Well, I had to go so didn't have time to continue the conversation.

 

I think he'll contact me again.

 

But I need a rest and need time for me. I'm exhausted. I need a break. The last few days were just too much for me and can't ever go through that again.

 

I am going to focus on me, spend time with my family, workout, and just take care of myself. I am also going to rest- ALONE.

 

And for those of you suggesting I immediately date? Oh no. Not right now anyway. I really just need to work on me. I never thought about abandonment issues- I have a very stable family and had a wonderful childhood and fabulous parents who have been married 47 years and are still in love. How would abandonment issues figure into this? In previous relationships when I have seen things aren't probably going to work out, which has saddened me, but usually after discussing with the other person we have come to amicable, non-dramatic ending. I have maintained friendships with most of my ex's- not that we speak on any kind of regular basis but we email from time to time to see how each other is, who we are dating, how the families are- that sort of thing.

 

Didi, you are doing great. Letting him chase you, good work, hun.

 

Take care!

[justforfun]

Didi, you are doing great. Letting him chase you, good work, hun.

 

Take care!

 

I don't see how that is good advice. Shouldn't she be just letting it go and not spending her energies on trying to manipulate his response to what is her decision?

[whichwayisup]

If Didi wants the A and wants to continue being the OW, then the advice JJ has given is OK. BUT, it seems like Didi does NOT want to be the OW and wants out of the affair.

 

Most OW don't want to be the OW, unless they're happy enough with the status quo, being second fiddle.

[torranceshipman]

I don't think I need to have been 'in love' with a married man to know what a relationship break-up is. Their isn't some special love that OW have for MM that makes it an exclusive club. But if your are saying that it does lend more credence to the idea that somehow there is a certain type of person that gets into this situation...a more needy person perhaps?

 

I wouldn't stand in judgement so readily without having experienced what this woman is going through. It IS a different type of break up for a multitude of reasons, and you need to experience that to understand it. And you can't just say OW are 'more needy' as again, there are a multitude of variables that have occurred in a lot of these situations where the OW has been hoodwinked, gaslighted and God knows what....you wouldn't know that feeling unless you'd directly experienced it.

[justforfun]

I don't agree that behaving in a certain way to try and manipulate another's actions is ever ok. But I suppose as an OW that is one of the few 'tools' you have to use.

 

If Didi wants the A and wants to continue being the OW, then the advice JJ has given is OK. BUT, it seems like Didi does NOT want to be the OW and wants out of the affair.

 

Most OW don't want to be the OW, unless they're happy enough with the status quo, being second fiddle.

[justforfun]

I'm not judging anybody. Why is when anyone expresses an opinion different than the usual they are accused of judging? I don't recall saying any person was better than another. But no matter what I say if it's less than 'way to go' then it will be deemed passing judgment.

 

I wouldn't stand in judgement so readily without having experienced what this woman is going through. It IS a different type of break up for a multitude of reasons, and you need to experience that to understand it. And you can't just say OW are 'more needy' as again, there are a multitude of variables that have occurred in a lot of these situations where the OW has been hoodwinked, gaslighted and God knows what....you wouldn't know that feeling unless you'd directly experienced it.

 

I would interested to know the 'multitude of reasons' that has led you to tell yourself that somehow the break up is so different to any other break-up? Do you have actually have any?

[DiDi123]

Well, Let me say again- I'm tired- plain and simple- mentally exhausted and at this point am not making any decisions about anything regarding him.

 

He can call 10 times a day for I care right now- I'm not addressing any type of relationship with him at this time - friends or otherwise. If he catches me then great- hi how are you- gotta go. That's it.

 

The only thing I am sure of is that I need to come first with myself. I need to take care of me right now. I can never go through what I went through.

 

Do I love him? yes. Do I want to be with him? yes. BUT

My questions to myself are:

 

Do I want to be 2nd? (no)

Do I want to possibly go through again what I just did? (no)

 

So for right now I am backing off. I don't know much but what I do know is that I am in no condition to be making any decisions right now.

 

This isn't a manipulative ploy of any kind to "get him back". I just want some time and space to calm down and reassess MY needs and wants.

 

JFF- I have to say that I have no problem with you giving your opinions (not for me to judge ANYONE) but, with that being said I have to say you sound a bit bitter and unhappy as a person- just based on some of your responses. Please DO NOT take this as any kind of personal insult of a derogatory statement- it is just my opinion.

 

I did hear from him again this morning but did not take the call. And not so much because I didn't want to or to play any sort of "game" but because I am swamped here at work and was in the middle of something important. And yes, I used to jump when I heard my cell ring and regardless of what I was doing would answer. But I don't want to do that anymore. I just don't. Like I said I'm tired of this.

 

I can't imagine going through this for years like some people have here at LS- how do you maintain your sanity? And I don't mean that in a bad way- I actually give you guys and gals a lot of credit- because this is where I'm at- how long could I possibly do this for before having a breakdown?

[justforfun]

JFF- I have to say that I have no problem with you giving your opinions (not for me to judge ANYONE) but, with that being said I have to say you sound a bit bitter and unhappy as a person- just based on some of your responses. Please DO NOT take this as any kind of personal insult of a derogatory statement- it is just my opinion.

 

I'm not offended or insulted. This is the typical response on this forum to anyone who has an opinion that OW's don't want to hear. Maybe if you listened to another perspective you wouldn't be in the situations that you are in. You are not making good choices for yourselves causing not only pain to yourselves but also the people around you that love and care for you.

 

In fact, I would say that you sound bitter and unhappy. You're in these terribly painful situations, that I am told are so painful that I could never understand until I have been in your position. And not one poster has anything positive to say about anything that I have posted.

 

That's terribly mean and bitter to me.

[jwi71]

Well, Let me say again- I'm tired- plain and simple- mentally exhausted and at this point am not making any decisions about anything regarding him.

 

When you are sick and tired of being sick and tired you are ready to make a break and live again.

 

You have a choice to make...

 

He can call 10 times a day for I care right now- I'm not addressing any type of relationship with him at this time - friends or otherwise. If he catches me then great- hi how are you- gotta go. That's it.

 

Nope. Still too much.

BLOCK his number.

BLOCK his email.

 

If he loves you, he will find a way to get D and find YOU.

 

(don't hold your breath)

The only thing I am sure of is that I need to come first with myself. I need to take care of me right now. I can never go through what I went through.

 

Agreed. Take time for YOU.

Are there any hobbies you quit? Pick it back up?

Is there a skill, like flying an airplane, you want to learn? Take lessons.

Where do you wish to go but haven't? Go.

 

And, uh, no men for now. Work on you.

 

Do I love him? yes. Do I want to be with him? yes. BUT

My questions to myself are:

 

Do I want to be 2nd? (no)

Do I want to possibly go through again what I just did? (no)

 

Question to you:

 

What are you going to do to prevent that from happening again?

 

So for right now I am backing off. I don't know much but what I do know is that I am in no condition to be making any decisions right now.

 

That in itself is a decision. And its one the drags out this drama.

What can YOU do to end this soap opera?

This isn't a manipulative ploy of any kind to "get him back". I just want some time and space to calm down and reassess MY needs and wants.

 

Block his calls and email.

Be alone. Look inside. Find an IC if you think you need a nudge.

[lissar]

Perhaps the loss of this kind of relationship is especially difficult, as there is not the normal kind of dying off that might happen in other types. It's sudden, and we are (perhaps foolishly) unprepared.

 

I think this is part of what may be considered a more "extreme" reaction. In any relationship... friendships, lovers, whatevers... the unexpected end is more painful. I've had relationships end both suddenly and slowly, and while it hurts as much both ways... in the slow way, the hurt is spread out, while in the sudden way, all the hurt is upfront. Don't know if that makes any kind of sense.

 

Didi, I'm so glad you're doing better, have a relaxing and happy holiday.

[jennie-jennie]

I just want to say you have my support, Didi. I hope you find your happiness whether it be with or without your MM. I do understand and support that you don't want to be the OW anymore, and I think that is a wise decision.

 

In my view however your MM may still yet get a divorce, in which case you might want him. That is what I was thinking of when posting earlier. Others here seem to twist my words into suggesting something manipulative. That is not what I meant. You don't have to be manipulative because you hold yourself back from running after a man (not saying that you would do that, Didi).

[jennie-jennie]

I wouldn't stand in judgement so readily without having experienced what this woman is going through. It IS a different type of break up for a multitude of reasons, and you need to experience that to understand it. And you can't just say OW are 'more needy' as again, there are a multitude of variables that have occurred in a lot of these situations where the OW has been hoodwinked, gaslighted and God knows what....you wouldn't know that feeling unless you'd directly experienced it.

 

I would say that in many cases it is a different type of break up because two people who still love each other deeply are ending or trying to end a relationship, not because the emotions are gone, but because of other circumstances, ie the love triangle.

[DiDi123]

Jennie-

Thanks.

The thing is that he lives about 5 minutes away from me- we go to the same gym and the boating community is small around here. I will run into him even if I don't want to. I won't be rude (just not me) plus I don't want to hold onto anger- that's not healthy. For me to say hi-how are you- gotta go is no big deal for me. It would take to much energy for me to be rude. Plus why do I have to be so dramatic and block his number and email? What difference does that really make? He lives 5 minutes away and is fortunate enough to have retired at 51 so he could sit outside my house all day until I come home if he really wanted to see me. Also we don't email all that much and he doesn't call me a million times a day like some other MM do that I've read about here on LS. We don't have any set routine. He likes to talk to me in person- he actually hates the phone.

 

Lissar- I think your right about the unexpected. I think the other thing is he has been more devoted to me than anyone ever has (and I've lived with 2 other men in my life 4 years/2 years and been in 2 other long relationships 4 years and 3 years whereas we didn't live together. Those breakups were not like this at all- there was no sudden-ness or shocking factor that happened which I think made me temporarily nuts, lol.

 

The other thing is my emotions are a little out of whack right now (I had a total abdominal hysterectomy in early September and while I still have my ovaries the doctor said they might be "napping" - therefore my hormones are not working at 100% right now) So, all of these things combined might have me react a little more to the extreme than I normally would have- but I don't know.

 

I also can't close the door completely with him yet. I just can't. I know I don't want to be the OTHER woman I want to be THE WOMAN.

 

Oh- and Jennie don't worry I hear what you are saying and I appreciate your support- I know what you meant When I get PM priviliges I will contact you if that's ok.

 

I think distance from my end is a good thing. Maybe (just maybe? and no I'm NOT holding my breath for heaven's sake!) he'll take time to think about what he really wants too. And if its me and he can follow through with divorcing her then, I would consider a relationship with him...I don't know...well, lets say I would leave my options open. I think that's about as fair as I can be.

 

He called again here about an hour ago, but I just got home about 20 minutes ago and he didn't leave a message. Am I calling him back? No.

 

jwi71- I never stopped doing anything I was doing before I met him (With the exception of my recovery time from surgery)- and now that I am physically much better I am at the gym like I used to go to several days a week after work and I take tap & jazz on Tuesday nights- so I never altered my routine in any major way previously to be with him. He was always ok with that. He understood he'd have to conform to my lifestyle- not the other way around. He wanted me to do the things I liked to do and always encouraged me. Always told me not to worry he would make time for me- and he did. I will admit when I was recovering and stuck at home 24/7 (couldn't drive, could barely walk, etc.) it was different. I had no choice but to stay home.

 

Hope this makes sense.........

Have to make more fresh pasta tonight for Thanksgiving......I will check back later

[fooled once]

I'm not offended or insulted. This is the typical response on this forum to anyone who has an opinion that OW's don't want to hear. Maybe if you listened to another perspective you wouldn't be in the situations that you are in. You are not making good choices for yourselves causing not only pain to yourselves but also the people around you that love and care for you.

 

In fact, I would say that you sound bitter and unhappy. You're in these terribly painful situations, that I am told are so painful that I could never understand until I have been in your position. And not one poster has anything positive to say about anything that I have posted.

 

That's terribly mean and bitter to me.

 

Maybe because you haven't said anything positive? Maybe that is because no one wants to have you pick apart every word they type? Maybe that is because the things you have posted are so deratagory and mean that they don't care to respond? Maybe you should back off DiDi right now and quite calling her needy and telling any OW who has gone through the type of pain she is experiencing basically whacked out and in need of therapy?

 

You aren't helping her; you are insulting her and any other OW who has gone through what she is going through.

 

I am so sick of the "bitter" word.

 

YOU have never experienced what an OW who is in love with a MM and had a break up has experienced. We aren't OW who are centered on seeing who we can bang this week. We aren't OW who are throwing ourselves at anyone who looks sideways at us. We aren't getting thrills out of having sex with 1-2-3 or maybe 4 people in one day. We developed relationships with these men, we weren't just focused on getting our rocks off.

 

Many of us OW have been told such lies by MM, but we didn't SEE the lies until we were out of the relationship. Sure, some stay in the relationship for years, pretending to themselves that the MM loves them and only them and he only stays with the wife for religion, for the children or financial reasons.

 

Many of us fell in love with a man who through actions and words led us to believe things that weren't true. We were manipulated but we didn't see it until AFTER the relationship ended. Many of us had our worlds shattered when the relationship ended because we came to find out we were lied to.

 

So seriously, UNTIL you walk in those shoes, don't condemn women for falling apart when a relationship suddenly ends. Don't throw around your hurtful insults of neediness, insecurity, etc.

 

Maybe step back and find a little bit of compassion for someone like DiDi instead of the insults. If you can't do that, then maybe skip her posts. She is posting for help and support ~ not to be told what an idiot she is, how something must be wrong with her for falling apart and how dumb she was to believe him.

 

She needs helpful advice and thoughts, not just hurtful words.

 

I am done responding to you. I am here to support DiDi and help her find some ways to keep herself occupied and to help her work through the emotions she is going through.

 

DiDi -- so glad to hear you are thinking of pasta I hope you ate again today. I hope you got a chance to exercise a bit. You sound so much stronger today than you did yesterday. Baby steps each day to help you navigate what your feeling.

 

I am glad you aren't focused on talking to him right now. I am glad you are focused on YOU. I am so glad to hear you will not stay the OW ~ that you value yourself more than you value being 2nd fiddle. Yeah DiDi!!!

 

One day at a time. You will come through this stronger and healthier and happier than before you started a relationship with him. You lived before him, you will live after him. I personally don't see him being able to give YOU what YOU need. And that's okay ~ just means there is someone else out there for you!!

 

Stay strong!!

[DiDi123]

Oh FooledOnce..you are so sweet!!

Thank you so much for being such a fabulous cheerleader.

 

And yes I did eat today- not much but some. The pasta came out fabulous- I made a huge batch tonight for Thanksgiving.

 

My heart does still hurt. And I'm sad.....but I have to live.

 

Guess what else I did for ME today????

I applied for the New York City marathon next November! I have to wait for the lottery in mid-March though to find out if I'll be granted entry. *fingers crossed*

 

I just have to keep moving and set some objectives for me. Yes I still have issues, and I want to look into the abandonment thing someone had mentioned. I'm curious how that would apply to me and how I can work on that if its an issue.

 

Thank you so much for your empathy and understanding. I'd like to PM you when I get that priviledge- I think next week.

 

[jwi71]

 

Jwi71- I never stopped doing anything I was doing before I met him (With the exception of my recovery time from surgery)- and now that I am physically much better I am at the gym like I used to go to several days a week after work and I take tap & jazz on Tuesday nights- so I never altered my routine in any major way previously to be with him. He was always ok with that. He understood he'd have to conform to my lifestyle- not the other way around. He wanted me to do the things I liked to do and always encouraged me. Always told me not to worry he would make time for me- and he did. I will admit when I was recovering and stuck at home 24/7 (couldn't drive, could barely walk, etc.) it was different. I had no choice but to stay home.

 

Hope this makes sense.........

 

Awesome. So good to hear because many OM/OW put their lives on hold and almost literally wait for contact.

 

I was trying to occupy your mind...busy yourself to distract you.

 

Try skydiving. Now THAT'S a rush.

[oxfordsocks]

You will ultimate do what you need to do for you. No matter what anyone says here. your looking for ways and probably taking a bit of everything from everyone.

But the heart does things for reason that reason can not understand.

I didn't read everything but i think you have to do ultimately what you can live with.

i wish you all the best in these trying days and nights

[jnj express]

Hey DD---its too bad you can't get outside of your mind, and heart, and read your responses as an uninvolved outsider would. You keep throwing up excuse after excuse to not cut this relationship off. Yes it is hard as you are deeply in love. You are not going to fall out of love until your AP is out of sight out of mind. Go to another gym, do not answer any calls, or better yet just reiterate in an e-mail or letter, you are thru, and moving on with your life, and for him to leave you alone. Your alternative if you do not do these things, is a continuation of what you are in now, and no chance for you to move on with someone else. You are gonna do what you want, but you know what the best thing for you is, and that is to go immediate NC, and move on, hard as that may be, it is what you must do, like it or not. That is unless you enjoy living your life as you are now.

[jennie-jennie]

Didi,

Checking in on you today. It looks as you are doing good considering the circumstances. I like your calm collected approach to MM. (Even if there is still turmoil going on on the inside, it looks calm and collected on the outside.) I will look forward to receiving a PM from you, so I can answer that question you asked way back about my relationship.

[DiDi123]

"You will ultimate do what you need to do for you. No matter what anyone says here. your looking for ways and probably taking a bit of everything from everyone.

But the heart does things for reason that reason can not understand.

I didn't read everything but i think you have to do ultimately what you can live with.

i wish you all the best in these trying days and nights"

 

OxfordSocks- Yes- this about sums it up for me right now! Thank you!

 

JWI71- I actually did that once about 15 years ago- once- AND yes that was a rush! I think I'll do that again!!

I also (when skiing in France) decided to jump of a mountain - LeBrevent(parasailing) and was so cool- I was at such peace up there - like a bird looking down on the village and mountains of Chamonix.

And I have bungee jumped- which I would do again- BUT only if I could jump face first- not backward!!!!!

 

So I am somewhat of a risk taker and thrill seeker with respect to life - yet never "took" the risk of being with a MM before. Never even dawned on me.

 

Jennie- thanks-

 

JNJ- I hear what you are saying but can't do anymore than I am doing right now. I have to do what's best for me right and that includes not making any rash decisions about anything. I'm just not ready.

 

All I know is that I can't go through what I went through and am going to do what I can to prevent that- and I know what that means.....

 

Thanks everyone!!!

[torranceshipman]

I'm not judging anybody. Why is when anyone expresses an opinion different than the usual they are accused of judging? I don't recall saying any person was better than another. But no matter what I say if it's less than 'way to go' then it will be deemed passing judgment.

 

 

 

I would interested to know the 'multitude of reasons' that has led you to tell yourself that somehow the break up is so different to any other break-up? Do you have actually have any?

 

Of course I do - else why would I have said it? There are a multitude of variables that affect any R, and if you had ever been in an A, you would have experienced a lot of these.

 

You did sound like you were judging - your post came across as judgemental/hostile. Maybe you didn't mean it to come across that way, but it did. OWs aren't trying to make themselves sound like they have a 'special kind of love' which you stated - it is just that it is a very specific situation that is difficult to comprehend unless you have experienced it for yourself.

[Ellin]

Dear Didi.

 

I have been following your thread. When I read your first post I understood so well what you were going through and I think it was natural to feel this way in the circumstances. Many people do, but not many are so open about it.

 

I'm glad you started feeling better after a while. I wish you all the best and a lot of strenght. I can't give a lot of advice, but from my own experience I would say don't force yourself to make any moves you are not ready for, as it may backfire.

 

How are you today?

[DiDi123]

Hi Ellin-

Thanks for your kind words and understanding- it is SO helpful to know that others have felt this way and it isn't just me. So, I'm actually ok today- not great, and not horrible- but ok.

 

I agree with you about making moves you aren't ready for. I really just don't feel like dealing with this stuff right now. I am focusing on me and my family and that's it.

 

When I am up to it I will take "it" back out of the "sealed compartment" I put it in and address it. I know that I am not ready to deal with it yet. I guess I feel like if I "let it out" and I'm not ready to deal with it I will cave in immediately and become the OW again- which is really not what I want.

 

It's better for me to get stronger first and make up my mind as to what is and isn't acceptable based on my needs and wants and once I have firmly decided that- THEN I can "let it out" and be super strong about standing behind my decision.

 

Does this make sense?

[Ellin]

Absolutely makes sense to me. It's a good plan to focus on yourself and anything that can make you feel better at this time. And I do know how you feel.

 

Take care, lots of hugs.

[fooled once]

DiDi - glad you are eating. Even a little bit is better than nothing!!

 

How are you sleeping? What are your plans for tomorrow (Thanksgiving)?

 

I hope you have a very nice Thanksgiving!!