MM broke it off...how do I cope with pain?

[DiDi123]

Hi AF (We should start calling you HL for Happy Lady!!!)

So, it was a rough night and I have been wrestling with the NC thing (completely), I was okay with the hi-how are you- gotta go thing....but as for all the other stuff he talks about...well, on one hand I want to listen (because I think I miss him and want to know if anything has changed) but on the other I wish he would just make a decision and then live with it. And just leave me out of it.

 

I think my 30 days is up tomorrow here and isn't that when I get PM priviliges?

 

Can you tell me if your MAN (I don't want to say MM) because he is with you now- but anyway did he go back and forth a lot before he finally made the move? I know he did that serious "waffle" a few weeks ago (was supposed to move out and 1 week prior didn't) but before that did he do the back and forth thing a lot?

 

I know when I was super upset when this initially happened Jennie told me that not to worry he'd be back if we had such a bond- and sure enough within 1 day he had called and wanted to see me- so I was wondering if that happened to you?

 

Also, his w does not know about us. I was just thinking- what if I tell him to just tell her already- tell her he isn't happy and he has met someone and he wants out? On the other hand- why is it my place to tell him what to do?

[DiDi123]

The other thing is- I don't know if I can cut him off completely. I just don't know. He thinks I am out and about and my happy-go-lucky self. He has no idea how upset I really am...only you guys do.

 

I think the other thing I'm afraid of.....is what if he doesn't miss me? I know he would be respectful of whatever I ask of him. If I tell him to leave me alone completely he absolutely will. He will not "miss me so much" that he comes crawling back. At least I don't think so......

 

Gosh- I was thinking of deleting this post- but I won't.

I sound ridiculous.

And pathetic.

I know.

I know what I have to do, I really just don't want to. That's bad, huh?

[jennie-jennie]

As OWoman stated in another thread NC should only be considered if:

 

you are at the point where either (a) you think you have a pretty good chance of being chosen or (b) should MM not leap at the chance to choose you, you'd be willing to walk away.

 

Otherwise (freely after OWoman again) MM might very well choose continued loyalty to his wife, and you would then be forced with having to make good on your threat to dump him - against what you might want - or to climb down, and create the impression that your threats are empty and that basically he can do whatever he chooses around you.

 

This distinction about when NC should be applied is often not put forth clearly here on LS.

 

So, Didi, if you are thinking about going NC, make sure you are certain that you have the mindset of being able to say goodbye to MM forever. Otherwise NC might do more harm than good.

 

I think you will need to grieve for a while, Didi. You recently had that surgery with the hormonal changes and everything else it meant, you are still grieving that, and now on top of it you lost your supportive MM. That pain does not go away in a day, not even in a week, and perhaps not even in a month although it hopefully will be better by then. You will have days when you stay in bed, days when you run manically around doing things, days when it feels a little better, the first day when you do not think of MM all day long, and so on. Let it take the time it takes.

 

(((((Didi)))))

[justageek]

hi didi.

 

ive been following your story. i posted mine on here.

i just wanted to say, i know how your feeling, im there too.

dont feel pathetic..

i wonder the same things. i find myself sitting here wondering if his thinking of me? do little things remind him of me.

i wonder is he sad or is he cuddled up with her? i feel like i have so much to ask him.

 

its funny how you can be fine one minute and then just break down in tears. tears of sadness, frustration and a million why's.

 

my heart goes out to you cause i know where your at. x x x

[jennie-jennie]

The other thing is- I don't know if I can cut him off completely. I just don't know. He thinks I am out and about and my happy-go-lucky self. He has no idea how upset I really am...only you guys do.

 

I think the other thing I'm afraid of.....is what if he doesn't miss me? I know he would be respectful of whatever I ask of him. If I tell him to leave me alone completely he absolutely will. He will not "miss me so much" that he comes crawling back. At least I don't think so......

 

Gosh- I was thinking of deleting this post- but I won't.

I sound ridiculous.

And pathetic.

I know.

I know what I have to do, I really just don't want to. That's bad, huh?

 

When my MM and I were NC for six days I wondered if he missed me. When I talked to him afterwards it was obvious he had been hurting as much as I had. He could not live without me, yet he was not ready to leave his wife either, and still he wants no affair. I still can't get my head around that reasoning.

 

Anyway the strength of your emotions likely mirrors those of your MM. Since you are having this strong reaction, you can be sure he is in pain as well. You can count on that.

 

It might not be enough however for him to make a choice.

 

NC is not to be taken lightly as I wrote above. Think long and hard before you decide whether to do it or not.

 

And you are not being ridiculous. You are reacting perfectly normally to what has happened to you. I am glad you did not delete that last post. We are here to listen to you.

[whichwayisup]

The other thing is- I don't know if I can cut him off completely. I just don't know. He thinks I am out and about and my happy-go-lucky self. He has no idea how upset I really am...only you guys do.

 

He knows...Trust me he know... The thing is, it's better that you SEEM fine, and happy go lucky. At the end of the day, the results are still the same. He's married and you don't want to be the OW. He isn't stupid, at all..

 

Sweets, do your best to stay in NC mode. If you can't and you cave, don't beat up on yourself. Just know that sooner or later you WILL get fed up of him calling, and trying to talk to you, especially since he really has nothing to offer you except to keep you in his life as the OW. You WILL reach your ENOUGH is ENOUGH phase as time goes on.. Just right now you're on a rollercoaster ride of emotions and he isn't helping by not leaving you alone.

[DiDi123]

Oh Gosh-

Thank you all for the support.

 

justageek- I'm not worried about him cuddling or sleeping with her. That much of that part of his marriage he knows is well over. He actually said a few weeks ago that she could have grown a 3rd boob and he would never know.

 

The part I'm having difficulty with is he constantly tells me (or has told me) that he has no romantic feelings for her and even if somehow after 10 years she were to suddenly just "come on to him" he isn't sure he could "perform". He has told me that as he has gotten older his mind has to be involved as well as his body (men, is this true?) So if this is the case then why would anyone stay in a relationship that didn't fulfill your emotional or physical needs? He has told me countless times that it isn't the actual sex, but all the hand holding, kissing, and snuggling as well as just being affectionate that matters to him the most. Oh- and being compatible. Doing things together.

 

*Sigh*......no contact/contact? I don't know what to do. In my own way I'm doing no contact because I don't call him (does that count?) I never really called him all that much anyway- he always called me. The decision lies in with do I pick up the phone? and if I do, do I listen?

 

Jennie- so what is actually going on between you and your MM (sorry if I missed it) but it seems he can't do no contact, but doesn't want an affair? did I read that right? so are you just friends? gosh- are you ok with that?

 

And I get it (I think finally) about the no contact. I am not sure if at first I really understood, but I don't think I am ready to take the risk of ending it completely- I mean I know I am not going to see him or call him, but if he calls me, then I'll have to figure it out I suppose.

 

Something sticks out in my mind about something else he said- "remember that it isn't that I don't want you- we just can't because I'm married to someone else"- and then he starts with the "your such a good person, your beautiful, your so nice and thoughtful" and then says "I don't know if I can ever give you want you want because I don't know what I want" and then the "I don't have any answers".

 

Do you really think he's in pain too? I guess I was thinking that "outta-sight/outta-mind" and that he probably doesn't think about me at all.

 

Whichway- what did you mean by:

"He knows...Trust me he know... The thing is, it's better that you SEEM fine, and happy go lucky. At the end of the day, the results are still the same. He's married and you don't want to be the OW. He isn't stupid, at all.." ?

 

I get the part about me seeming fine- THAT I HAVE TO DO. I DO NOT want him to ever know that I was this upset- but what do you think he knows?

 

This is off-topic- but I just noticed that you have over 35,000 posts!!

Can I ask what your situation is/was that led you here to LS? Are you a counselor or therapist? are you a male or female?

 

thanks again for all the help......

Jennie- don't forget I am going to PM you when I have priviliges

[fooled once]

DiDi *hug*

 

I think you are still living in the land of affair fog

 

I don't think he is going to "pick you". If he was, he would have already.

 

I think you are hoping he will wake up and realize how fantastic you are and make a move.

 

Honey, he already KNOWS how fantastic you are and he is still with his wife.

 

I KNOW how much you are hurting. I really think you need to stop talking to him.

 

If you want, TELL him "until you are divorced, please do not call me. It hurts too much and I will no longer be your mistress, your OW, whatever you want to call it". Tell him you respect YOURSELF too much to continue to play this game.

 

I just don't want you to think/wait for him. I don't want you having false hope. His world was rocked when he found out his wife was having an affair. That should tell you the depth of his feelings for her.

 

I am NOT saying any of this to hurt you. I just don't want you waiting and hoping. Some are happy to be 2nd ~ but I know you aren't.

 

*hug*

 

What did you eat today???

[DiDi123]

Ok- you got me FooledOnce! making me chuckle at the end of your post when asking what I ate today! I feel like your another Mom to me! Thank you for always asking that.

So, I had coffee, then some plain turkey (few bites) and 2 forkfuls of sausage stuffing- oh and 2 glasses of water and a SOBE black & blueberry lifewater. And I'm trying a new flavor now- fuji apple pear- and I like it. How's that?

 

And yesssss...I think you are right (again -for goodness sakes) I'm probably in that affair fog that so many speak of....

 

So is it considered NC if I don't contact him? I don't know how to say please don't call me anymore. I just don't know if I'm ready to just say never call me again. Maybe I'm not mad enough yet? Will I get mad? I normally don't let my emotions get the better of me....lol...I'll bet NONE of you believe that! Huh? Oy- after reading all my posts you all probably think I'm ready for a straightjacket!

 

One of my girlfriends (the only one that knows he M) told me to "get my $hit together". And she said either wait it out and see what he does by the spring- and if no move on his part then move the eff' on.

 

I don't see myself waiting around another 4-5 months.

 

My folks stopped by today and we had a little chat. They know him and have seen first hand all the wonderful things he has done for me since I met him and they like him and he likes them. But they do not know he is M. I told them I was a little sad because I'm not sure if he is willing to make a committment to me- which is true (right?) And my Dad said that's fine- maybe he isn't, but you need to continue your life- go out, date, see your friends because if its meant to be then it will be. And he said, maybe you just might meet someone else who is even more wonderful than he is- who DOES want a committment. And he said- you really don't know him- you've only been dating for 4-5 months. And then he said- I would be VERY concerned if a man you were only dating for 4 months wanted to marry you immediately- he said that would raise red flags to him. His advice (because he doesn't know he is M) was to continue along in my life and do everything I would normally do and if all the pieces fall into place, then great. If they don't then it wasn't meant to be.

 

Thoughts?

*I may have to change my location temporarily to "Affair Fog"....chuckle

[hopeless4u]

Ok- you got me FooledOnce! making me chuckle at the end of your post when asking what I ate today! I feel like your another Mom to me! Thank you for always asking that.

So, I had coffee, then some plain turkey (few bites) and 2 forkfuls of sausage stuffing- oh and 2 glasses of water and a SOBE black & blueberry lifewater. And I'm trying a new flavor now- fuji apple pear- and I like it. How's that?

 

And yesssss...I think you are right (again -for goodness sakes) I'm probably in that affair fog that so many speak of....

 

So is it considered NC if I don't contact him? I don't know how to say please don't call me anymore. I just don't know if I'm ready to just say never call me again. Maybe I'm not mad enough yet? Will I get mad? I normally don't let my emotions get the better of me....lol...I'll bet NONE of you believe that! Huh? Oy- after reading all my posts you all probably think I'm ready for a straightjacket!

 

One of my girlfriends (the only one that knows he M) told me to "get my $hit together". And she said either wait it out and see what he does by the spring- and if no move on his part then move the eff' on.

 

I don't see myself waiting around another 4-5 months.

 

My folks stopped by today and we had a little chat. They know him and have seen first hand all the wonderful things he has done for me since I met him and they like him and he likes them. But they do not know he is M. I told them I was a little sad because I'm not sure if he is willing to make a committment to me- which is true (right?) And my Dad said that's fine- maybe he isn't, but you need to continue your life- go out, date, see your friends because if its meant to be then it will be. And he said, maybe you just might meet someone else who is even more wonderful than he is- who DOES want a committment. And he said- you really don't know him- you've only been dating for 4-5 months. And then he said- I would be VERY concerned if a man you were only dating for 4 months wanted to marry you immediately- he said that would raise red flags to him. His advice (because he doesn't know he is M) was to continue along in my life and do everything I would normally do and if all the pieces fall into place, then great. If they don't then it wasn't meant to be.

 

Thoughts?

*I may have to change my location temporarily to "Affair Fog"....chuckle

 

 

Hey DiDi, I have just sat and read your story from the beginning and my heart really does go out to you. I totally understand the pain and the way you reacted, I have gone NC many times (always broken) but the 1 that really sticks in my mind I reacted just like you. I couldn't even get up in the morning, just stayed in bed for a week, rang in sick at work, smoked far to much weed(not a habit but helped me sleep!), drank to much and just cried so many tears, I thought I would die of heartbreak, it hurts now just thinking about that week!

I am so proud of you, I know I don't know you but you have come so far and hopefully us OW will draw strength from what you have done so far when we need it, I know I will.

Keep listening to FO, she is very wise;), stay strong and eat!! I won't go into my situation but if you want to know then feel free to ask.

Big hugs babe xx

[DiDi123]

Hopeless- gee thanks for the vote of confidence and sharing the pain you endured. I'm sorry you went through that- I'm sorry anyone has to go through that.

 

I have absolutely no idea how I have survived the week either.

*Well that's not completely true...honestly? my extended family here at LS I think were the ones I could turn to without being judged and have helped me tremendously ((hugs))

 

But I'm still so conflicted about what exactly to do. Wait let me rephrase- I know I don't want to be the Other Woman- so I won't see him or call him. But he still calls me and we have spoken. I (naturally of course) appear indifferent, non-emotional and say a lot of uh-huh's, and that's nice, but have not broken down with him since last Sunday. So my decision making has to do with whether I continue to engage in conversation with him or not.

 

I just can't seem to grasp the idea of telling him to never call me again. He was a huge part of my life for the last 4-5 months and I do truly miss him. I know even jumping through hoops isn't going to make him make up his mind so I'm not going there. Plus, if I had to jump through hoops to get you, then you aren't for me. It should be a natural progression on both parties - not one giving 150% and the other 50%. That's not right. And its not fair. And its not what I want.

 

But (there's always a but isn't there?) I miss him *sniff*

 

Pause for me to dry tears, blow nose and clear throat......

Where was I?

 

Oh, right- so he should want to make the changes, for himself first which would then (hopefully) have an impact on us/me and our relationship. No one can force another person to do anything -and who wants someone that you had to move heaven and earth for- I mean it shouldn't be that hard if he really loves you, right? And after all I've read here at LS it seems there are only a handful of men that have the chutzpah to actually make a decision to leave their unhappy marriages and stick with it.

 

So, here I am alone again on a Saturday night. I am making turkey soup with the bird from Thursday so that will be comforting to have for the upcoming week.

 

Oh and FO will be happy I'm eating and making an effort to think of the up and coming week and that there is food in the house, lol.

 

 

Hopeless- Are you still seeing a MM? I would like to hear about your situation....

[DiDi123]

Lizzie-

I meant to comment on something you said last week-

The person his w is having an affair with is NOT another male-

its another female.

 

Also, I have been backtracking through threads going back to 2006 and I must say you are absolutely hysterical!!! Are you still with the younger man?

 

Sorry all if I forgot that tidbit (can't believe I forgot that!!!) I think that's where the real shock and blow to his ego came in. And she still is denying the A.

[jennie-jennie]

Oh gosh, Didi, we are having a full blown affair. You can imagine how confused I was when he broke NC saying that I was the centre of his world, he could not live without me, finally he could breathe again, and how he did not want an affair, only to unbendingly resume the affair.

 

I felt like he was saying 1+1=3. I guess he meant he does not want the affair, but he is still not ready to choose.

 

Well, things did change in a way. Never again has he said that he loves his wife, never again has he said he wants to work on his marriage, in fact he states that he has understood it is impossible for him to work on his marriage as long as he has feelings for me. After NC he promised me to be exclusive sexually, and also asked me to be exclusive to him. So his mindset has changed, but alas, he is still living with her.

 

My MM was in so much pain during NC. He knows I post on LS, but never reads here, but during NC he read every word I wrote. He just could not get me out of his mind. He was physically at home more but that was it. Afterwards he told me he just could not stand the thought of never contacting me again.

 

I do believe that had we talked on the phone during this time it would not have been so difficult for him and he would most likely not have drawn the conclusions he did. On the other hand NC was hell for me. I broke NC within 24 hours, and only lasted those 6 days because he was ice cold when I broke NC.

 

That is why I would never go NC again of my free will. I know I can't do it.

[hopeless4u]

Hopeless- gee thanks for the vote of confidence and sharing the pain you endured. I'm sorry you went through that- I'm sorry anyone has to go through that.

 

I have absolutely no idea how I have survived the week either.

*Well that's not completely true...honestly? my extended family here at LS I think were the ones I could turn to without being judged and have helped me tremendously ((hugs))

 

But I'm still so conflicted about what exactly to do. Wait let me rephrase- I know I don't want to be the Other Woman- so I won't see him or call him. But he still calls me and we have spoken. I (naturally of course) appear indifferent, non-emotional and say a lot of uh-huh's, and that's nice, but have not broken down with him since last Sunday. So my decision making has to do with whether I continue to engage in conversation with him or not.

 

I just can't seem to grasp the idea of telling him to never call me again. He was a huge part of my life for the last 4-5 months and I do truly miss him. I know even jumping through hoops isn't going to make him make up his mind so I'm not going there. Plus, if I had to jump through hoops to get you, then you aren't for me. It should be a natural progression on both parties - not one giving 150% and the other 50%. That's not right. And its not fair. And its not what I want.

 

But (there's always a but isn't there?) I miss him *sniff*

 

Pause for me to dry tears, blow nose and clear throat......

Where was I?

 

Oh, right- so he should want to make the changes, for himself first which would then (hopefully) have an impact on us/me and our relationship. No one can force another person to do anything -and who wants someone that you had to move heaven and earth for- I mean it shouldn't be that hard if he really loves you, right? And after all I've read here at LS it seems there are only a handful of men that have the chutzpah to actually make a decision to leave their unhappy marriages and stick with it.

 

So, here I am alone again on a Saturday night. I am making turkey soup with the bird from Thursday so that will be comforting to have for the upcoming week.

 

Oh and FO will be happy I'm eating and making an effort to think of the up and coming week and that there is food in the house, lol.

 

 

Hopeless- Are you still seeing a MM? I would like to hear about your situation....

 

Hey DiDi, firstly I'd like to say how much LS has been my comfort blanket in times of serious meltdown and I'm sure will be again!!

I'll try to give you the short version of me and xMM(still hurts putting the x)

We've been seeing each other 2 yrs(7th Dec) Started at a work Christmas Party, didn't get physical 4/5 months as he couldn't because of guilt. We became best friends(big mistake)we fell in love and have spent the last 18 months trying to end things!

He does everything for me, car, garden,DIY and this is where we are now, he was in the middle of plastering my kitchen when it came to light he was still being intimate with his W, he's always lead me to believe he was there because of hurting her, family, lifestyle and I could live with that but knowing he was still intimate with her made me sick to my stomach!

So I ended the PA, he said was I saying that we couldn't be together until he left her and I said yes. We have seen each other everyday since then and its been ok but like you, I am not ready to never speak to him again.

I asked him how he would feel if his W found someone else and he said he didn't know how he'd feel so I think maybe your MM is a bit shell shocked!

I know my xMM loves me and when NC happens he will be a mess and I'm sure from what I've read yours does to. He is probably going through hell right now and if I was you and your MM was mine I would give him the space, I would give anything to know my xMM was facing up to things, he isn't I know that but thats my s**t to deal with and FO will keep me in check as she will with you LOL, stay in touch, I know our stories are so similar that we will lean on each other and hopefully help each other in those bad moments.

Big hugs to you honey, stay strong and remember when it get tough just type:D

[fooled once]

Yeah!! You are eating!!!

 

Thank you! That makes me happy. You need to feed the body to help you through this.

 

DiDi - answer me this. WHY is he calling you? What does he say? Does he NO get that you aren't acting the same? Is he NOT getting that you are hurting bad? Is he not getting that he BROKE your heart???

 

That pisses me off - his total lack of consideration for what you are going through.

 

I also think your friend is NUTS for you to hang on until Spring. That is 4-5 months away. That is ridiculous!!!! Absolutely ridiculous!! NO WAY should you put your life on hold. No way.

 

I agree with your dad - you need to continue on with your life. When ready, you need to date. You are NOT going to sit around and waste your life waiting on whatever decision he is struggling with. He TOLD you he really didn't have a marriage. IF that was true, then he would leave. IF that was true, the knowledge of his wife having an affair - with a male or female - would have been something for him to rejoice of.

 

I also have an issue with him waiting for his wife to decide if she wants him or someone else. That shows me that he can't make a decision for HIMSELF. That shows me that HE really isn't ready to leave the marriage.

 

When I met my now H, he and his ex had been separated for 3 years, divorced for 1. I asked him who left who. He said she left. I had qualms about getting involved; wondering if he still had feelings for her since she was the one who left. He said the marriage had been over for a couple years prior to her leaving and that HE had left for 6 months earlier in their marriage. They had then gotten back together and thought maybe another child would help (what a STUPID thought). And they had another child. And that didn't help the marriage. I am leery of people who talk about how bad their marriage is, but won't leave and will instead, wait for the other one to leave. I don't want to be with someone who really wants to be with someone else but is settling, ya know.

 

Don't settle DiDi. Don't settle at all. Be #1 with someone. Don't be 2nd choice.

 

*hug*

[jennie-jennie]

Lizzie-

I meant to comment on something you said last week-

The person his w is having an affair with is NOT another male-

its another female.

 

Also, I have been backtracking through threads going back to 2006 and I must say you are absolutely hysterical!!! Are you still with the younger man?

 

Sorry all if I forgot that tidbit (can't believe I forgot that!!!) I think that's where the real shock and blow to his ego came in. And she still is denying the A.

 

LOL Didi, how could you forget!

 

Okay, back to being serious, no wonder your MM is having trouble digesting that. My very first SO had same sex affairs, and that is something completely different I will tell you than the times he had opposite sex affairs. You feel like you can't compete.

 

Now, I think like your father sounds like a very wise man. And your friend as well, that sounds like the timeline OWoman often suggests that you give yourself.

 

The affair fog is something I consider a BS term. It is a way for them to say that the emotions the WS and the OW/OM have during the affair are not valid. In my opinon these emotions are as valid as any. Of course everyone knows that in the beginning of a relationship the emotions are running high. This has to be taken in account in EMRs just as in any other relationship. But the term affair fog is BS in my opinion, and I don't mean betrayed spouse here.

 

And NC means NO CONTACT. If you answer his calls, you are having contact. That is why you have to think carefully before deciding, are you prepared to completely remove him from your life forever and ever?

[jennie-jennie]

DiDi - answer me this. WHY is he calling you? What does he say? Does he NO get that you aren't acting the same? Is he NOT getting that you are hurting bad? Is he not getting that he BROKE your heart???

 

That pisses me off - his total lack of consideration for what you are going through.

 

I would say he is calling her because he needs his dose of her. Something inside him probably gets calmed down and he feels better just by that small amount of contact. He is in love with her, he needs her. By calling her he can feel that it is possible for him to reach out to her and be in contact with her.

 

That is not the act of a selfish man, that is the act of a man in love.

[hopeless4u]

I would say he is calling her because he needs his dose of her. Something inside him probably gets calmed down and he feels better just by that small amount of contact. He is in love with her, he needs her. By calling her he can feel that it is possible for him to reach out to her and be in contact with her.

 

That is not the act of a selfish man, that is the act of a man in love.

 

I agree he is getting his fix, it is like a drug. When me and my xMM did NC before I felt like I was dying but as soon as I heard from him the pain stopped. DiDi's MM is doing just that, as my xMM did and still does, the reason we're not hurting as much this time when I ended it is because we still see each other, we still share things.

[fooled once]

I would say he is calling her because he needs his dose of her. Something inside him probably gets calmed down and he feels better just by that small amount of contact. He is in love with her, he needs her. By calling her he can feel that it is possible for him to reach out to her and be in contact with her.

 

That is not the act of a selfish man, that is the act of a man in love.

 

Sorry, that is crap in my opinion.

 

When he broke it off, he said

 

He just told me this morning that he wants to "be alone" to figure out what he wants. But he still wants to be "friends" and that he still cares for me and has feelings for me.

You can't go backwards to "just friends".

 

He is calling because while he is being selfish, he also wants an ego boost. He wants DiDi to still be there waiting.

 

You can claim all day long that these MM don't know what they want, can't make a decision. Makes you wonder how they go through life --- can't make a decision to stay with the one they love or go back to their "ho hum, boring, unloving" marriage.

 

 

Gimme a break.

 

These men continue to do this because the OW allow them to. These OW allow themselves to be sucked into these men's ego-fest.

 

There is no doubt in my mind these MM care about the OW. But I don't believe they love them. If they did, they would BE WITH THEM, NOT disrespecting them by staying married to women they claim to not love and claim to not sleep with. Seriously - many women who want to be the ONLY woman are buying this crap and staying in affairs because they are buying the bologna from these men who are struggling to make a decision

 

And these decisions can take months or YEARS for these men to make.

 

You choose to stay with a guy who tells you he isn't sleeping with his wife and is so committed to his relationship with you. But don't try to convince other women to stay and tolerate that kind of crap. You can continue to live your life waiting for a guy who can't seem to make a decision on you or his wife . He has no reason to. You are content to settle. You have already set the precedent that you are willing to take what ever left overs he has. You have made it known you are willing to be 2nd, you are willing to wait for as long as he needs to make up his mind. You are willing to be sit and wait - for 4 +years and counting - for him to make a decision.

 

There is no doubt in my mind that these men may love the OW, but they don't love them enough to stop sneaking around, to stop with the lies, to stop living with the wife. They don't love the OW enough to MAKE THEM #1, to put the OW's needs above the wives needs. They are choosing to make the wife happy while causing the OW pain while she waits and waits for the MM to make a decision.

 

You can dismiss the term "affair fog" all you want. Doesn't mean it isn't something that happens.

 

The term “the fog” can be described as being similar to being brainwashed. The thrill of the affair envelops the wayward partner in good feelings and the excitement can be overwhelming. They feel a new high, a feeling of being “in love.” They begin to rationalize with themselves in order to cover up their feelings of guilt. They may convince themselves that their marriage was already bad, that their partner really doesn’t love them, and that the affair partner must truly be their “soul-mate” because he/she is the only one that understands them.

I would hate to see DiDi waste 4 years of her life waiting for the MM she had an affair with to "decide" if she is good enough to leave his wife for. She is BETTER than good enough. But he also shouldn't leave his wife for another person. He should leave if he is so damned unhappy that he sought out an affair. But he isn't doing anything -- he is 'thinking about it', weighing his options, trying to decide. Please don't try to sway DiDi into doing what you are doing .... sitting and waiting for some guy to decide if you are worth it.

 

DiDI is worth it. But he isn't. He is a cheater. He is a liar. I want her to have a full life with someone who thinks she hung the moon. I want her to have a life where she is loved so much it hurts. I want that man in her life to show her by ACTIONS - not lip service - now much she means to him.

[DiDi123]

Hi All- well I go check on the soup, take a shower, AND (listen up FO-bc this was done with you in mind) have a bowl of cheerios and when I come back there's a party!

 

So why is he calling me? Hmmmm

Well, I don't exactly know. He says hi, I say I and he asks how my day went - I say fine and then he tells me about what he did for the day- I say oh, uh-huh- asks me how I am- that kind of stuff.

 

I think he knew last Sunday I was upset. I was NO WHERE as upset with him as I was when I was here posting. He didn't see that- thank goodness.

 

Did he know he broke my heart? well, again he knew I was really upset- but I didnt share being completely devasted to him (only to you guys)

Does he notice I'm not acting the same? Yes he does- I mean how could he not?

 

I haven't thought about why he's calling me, but do you guys really think because he needs a "dose of me"? I never thought about that. Hmmmmmm........

 

And yes- my Dad is pretty wise.....My folks aren't stupid- they know something is going on, but they know when to push for answers and when to wait for me to ask them for advice. How do parents know how to do this????

[jennie-jennie]

Well, FooledOnce, you think what I write is crap, I think what you write is crap. Nothing new on the horizone.

 

I suggest you read about Split Self Affairs in one of therapist Emily Brown's books. You will understand why some men get stuck in limbo.

 

I have never suggested to Didi that she should settle. I have always backed up her decision to be the only woman. What I have done is I have told her that her MM will most likely be back, but very likely without having made a decision. I have told her to think carefully before going NC, so she doesn't do it half heartedly only to break it and in that way harm her case more than help it.

 

And as far as my own relationship goes, I am enjoying the ride, fully aware that my MM may never leave his wife. I like the journey, that is why I am staying, I am not waiting to enjoy my life until I get to some specific goal, I am enjoying it now.

[jennie-jennie]

I agree he is getting his fix, it is like a drug. When me and my xMM did NC before I felt like I was dying but as soon as I heard from him the pain stopped. DiDi's MM is doing just that, as my xMM did and still does, the reason we're not hurting as much this time when I ended it is because we still see each other, we still share things.

 

Hopeless, I see you know what I am talking about. You have experienced it as well.

[DiDi123]

Well, I am not so sure he loves me. I mean if he did he would do something about it. I am also not entertaining the thought of "waiting around"- for any length of time.

 

I am going to do what my Dad suggested. Live my life, do the things I always did, and I don't always pick up when he calls- not for any other reason except sometimes I just don't want to talk to him.

 

And if I get asked out on a date- I might just go. I have been invited to several holiday cocktail parties and I am definately going. Even if I only stay for an hour or two.

[DiDi123]

Ladies- please I understand what you are both are saying and that you only want the best for me....

*sniff* please no one is writing crap. I get both views and I know FO wants me to stay strong, and Jennie I know that you aren't encouraging me to wait for him, just trying to help me understand what's going on.

 

*sniff* please! no one get upset!

[jennie-jennie]

FooledOnce, did you not learn in school that if you quote something you have to state the source? The following is from the site Surviving Infidelity, a site for BS and WS. As I said, "affair fog" is a BS term.

 

"Q: Is it Always the Fog? Do they Always come out of It? Answered by NAM

 

A: The term "the fog" can be described as being similar to being brainwashed. The thrill of the affair envelops the wayward partner in good feelings and the excitement can be overwhelming. They feel a new high, a feeling of being "in love." They begin to rationalize with themselves in order to cover up their feelings of guilt.

 

They may convince themselves that their marriage was already bad, that their partner really doesn’t love them, and that the affair partner must truly be their "soul-mate" because he/she is the only one that understands them.

 

Martha Edwards describes "the fog" as a sort of brainwashing. That type of thinking leads one to believe that the condition is reversible, and in many cases it is. But what happens if it is not? Is it really inevitable that your wayward partner will undergo a reversal of the brainwashing? What if s/he has become fully convinced that the marriage must end? Even when taking the affair partner (AP) out of the equation entirely, the possibility that the wayward spouse (WS) will never snap out of it must be addressed and acknowledged.

 

It may not take the form of an exit affair, but the affair itself may be the impetus that gives the WS the occasion to see that compared to "the possibilities", the marriage is not where s/he wants to be. To say this is unfair to the betrayed spouse (BS) would be an understatement of the greatest magnitude. However it does happen.

 

It is necessary to realize that the AP does not have a magical hold over the WS. Instead, the WS chooses to buy into his or her own brainwashing or not. In cases where the WS leaves the AP, a BS often expects the result to be a simultaneous return to sanity and the marriage. Returning to sanity is for the experts to diagnose, but it does not take an expert to see that occasionally the WS does not return to the marriage.

 

Wayward spouses do not always awaken from the fog to find they are immediately remorseful, regretful, and ready to atone for their sins. Some of them wake up and find they simply want out of the marriage. Other WS do not wake up from the fog, because they were never in it. Unfortunately many WS were living a foggy existence in the marriage, while pretending to be someone they were not. In these most unfortunate of circumstances, the A and post-A WS is the real deal."

Edited November 29, 2009 by a LoveShack.org Moderator