Desperate to make marriage work - cheating husband says he no longer wants marriage

[HurtinginVA]

How odd is it that I find this site now? A day late and a dollar short? It seems like there are many more men feeling the way I feel than women, but I suppose that doesnt matter. Here is my story:

 

I am 23 years old, my husband is 22. We have a son who is almost 2. We have been together for just under 6 years (married almost 4). He has had an affair. His job has him on the road more often than not, and that is where he met the other woman. I recently discovered the affair. And all hell has broken loose.

 

At first, I was angry. That lasted for only a few hours. It has only been 6 days since the discovery. I am so confused. I love my husband, deeply, so much so that it feels hard to explain to anyone, though Im sure all of you know what I mean. He says that he is sorry, but that he just doesnt want to be married. He doesnt want to committ to anyone, it's not me, he just doesnt want to be in any relationship right now. He says that he doesnt want to try and make things work because we have done that before, and here we are. He says that he wants his freedom, doesnt want to have to answer to anyone.

 

On another note, he does say that our marriage is not hopeless, though he feels it is, he cant deny the fact that his feelings could change. But he doesnt think that they will. He still tells me that he loves me. We are, at this moment, still living in our house (we purchased our first home this past October), we are still being intimate, he calls me throughout the day, and I call him.

 

All I want to do is make this work. I feel like emotionally and mentally I could not handle a divorce. I cant understand why he doesnt want to try. Why does he just want to give up? I can admit that I did not realize how serious the problem(s) had become. I see that now. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make this work out for us. And he is just tired of it all.

 

He has said things to me like "How could you still want me?", "You dont deserve someone like me", "I am worthless and selfish and mean, you shouldnt be with me". It makes me feel like the guilt and hurt from his actions are eating at him so badly that that is why he doesnt want to give "us" a chance. That kills me inside.

 

We talk on a daily basis about our situation, he doesnt want to leave me stranded, he doesnt want to hurt me, but he doesnt want to be with me. He says that he wants to make this as easy as possible, and I feel that the best way he could do that is to open up and give our marriage another chance. I dont want to lose him. I think I could feel better about giving him the "space" that he says he wants/needs if I knew that he would still try with "us". Maybe if he even had the attitude that he wants it to work out even though he feels so strongly that it wont. He says he just doesnt want it, maybe a little, but not enough to try.

 

The last thing I want to do is push him away. I want to do everything within my power to make this happen. There is so much at stake. My family and friends are really of no help, they are all so mad at him for hurting me this way, they want me to make him leave, and get a divorce. I cant accept that. This man is my heart and soul. What can I do?

[Tony T]

My hearts sinks into my stomach as I read your post.

 

Your husband is very young and was not ready to make a lifelong committment when he married you. He was really, really young when the two of you got married...and even younger when the two of you were dating. I mean Y-O-U-N-G! Timing is everything. People often get married because they are madly in love...not because they are ready and that's what happened here. There is no doubt your husband loves you. There is no doubt he cares deeply about you. There is no doubt he doesn't want to hurt you. And, most of all, there is no doubt that he is being totally honest with you about everything he feels. He probably doesn't understand the way he feels himself.

 

A guy like this doesn't even have to come from a dysfunctional, abusive or neglectful childhood...although he may have. Lots of very normal, nice, kind, wonderful, super, incredible people...men and women...are just like your husband. Your guy is 22, I mean he's very, very young. He's below the average age for a male getting married these days. He made a mistake. He thought he was ready to settle down. That's a very, very easy mistake to make for a man to make when he finds a great lady and he falls head over heals for her.

 

What happens in this situation is that once you get married, have a kids, settle into the everyday grind, you realize that your timing was off. You didn't sew all your wild oats, so to speak. While you (HurtingInVA) were absolutely ready (women do tend to mature faster than men), he wasn't. Some men are actually ready for marriage at 18 and do quite well at it for a very long time. Others aren't ready to stick with one woman without straying until they are 70 or 80. My guess, if I were a female, would be the safest age for a man to be at marriage in order to avoid your plight would be the 28-35 range.

 

Some marriages go a very long time before the betrayal sets in, if it happens..and it is not uncommon at all. Sometimes it happens right away, as in your case. And it can happen in just about any marriage, no matter what the ages of the people are. If they aren't ready to be in a committed relationship, they just aren't ready. There's no pill to make somebody ready to stick with one person. There is some element of character that goes with being able to do this. It sounds like your husband does have character, but his hormones, humanity, and age are overpowering his morals.

 

OK, now, knowing the reason doesn't solve the problem. How do we solve this? Well, it's not going to do you or your child one bit of good to be around a guy who reminds you daily he doesn't want to be married. Your first step is emergency counselling. A competent, experienced counsellor has seen this syndrome many times and has a bag of possible fixes ready to implement. A separation may be in order. It could be a long one, maybe a short one. Now, you have to understand that your husband is going to have to want to make this work in order for counselling to work so the first few visits may just be for the purpose of getting him to want to be there in the first place.

 

The core of the problem is plain and simple. He is feeling trapped in a situation he wasn't ready for. We need to get him over that feeling. Yes, giving him space is good. But the kind of space he wants probably includes seeing other women. A legal separation may be in order, a time allowing him to get out and do whatever he needs to do. Oh, yeah, it will be painful as hell to know the man you love is out there doing his thing. But we're here to solve the problem. Perhaps a counsellor has a better solution and that's why I suggest you see one...RIGHT AWAY!!!

 

Anyway you slice it, this ordeal will be painful and you need to address it head-on as quickly as possible. Listen to me and listen very clearly...what I am about to tell you is EXTREMELY IMPORTANT: Any attempt by you to hold this man in a marrage or other situation he clearly doesn't want to be in will ultimately result in bitterness, hosility and anger on his part. The extent to which you show understanding of how he feels and a willingness to work with him in the context of those feelings is the extent to which the possiblities of the two of you saving this marriage are vastly improved. (Read that last sentence again, slowly...I'll wait) In other words, if you try to chain him up and not respect the feelings he has, he will greatly resent you...split anyway...and you won't see him again.

 

So, go get help with this. It won't be solved here on a message board. You have a critical situation that needs expert handling. Please come back here often for support. We know what you're going through and it's tough. Life is nothing but learning and sometimes we pay dearly for those lessons. The ones we've learned here so far is that marriage requires a LOT more than love. A partner's level of committment can seldom be predicted.

 

Luckily, your husband is being rather civil about this and so are you. I'm amazed that the two of you are actually able to continue making love and carrying on as marrieds despite the fact he doesn't want to be married. That may be promising. A really great counsellor may be able to fix this sooner than I may predict...if you can get your husband to see one.

 

Good luck!!!

[Arabess]

Hurting,

I've been on both sides of an affair, and there just isn't a pretty view no matter how you look at it. There are many reasons why someone gets involved in one and it does not indicate you were anything less than a good wife and mother (if you have children). They just happen for any variety of reason.

 

You've just purchased a new home together. He is obviously gainfully employed and a responsible young man. However, he has dated you since he was 16 and you guys have been married since he was 18. So, now here he is is at legal drinking age, he's never really dated or slept around and he's afraid he's missing something!

 

I don't know how he feels about this other woman, but all affairs aren't lethal....MOST just being flings. I'm not saying they are all right or all wrong...I'm just saying you don't have to throw away a marriage over it. It doesn't seem as though he wants 'space' because he is unhappy being with you or doesn't love you....it seems more that he just wants to explore a little....without guilt. Unfortuntely, this may or may not include other women.

 

I have no idea what I would do in your position. I think it would depend on if you have children, if you want to wait for him, if he's no longer involved in the woman he originally had the affair with... you just have to weigh out all the factors and make the best decision you can. He's leaving anyway....so either you can wait or you can tell him it's over.

 

Friends and family, who care about you, have a tendency of taking a side. In this case, ofcourse they are going to take yours. If you want the marriage to possibly work out at a later date.....keep some damage control. Don't let them get to the point of not liking him and him no longer feeling he is welcome...should you guys work this out. This is NO ONE'S business but yours and his. It's hard not to talk about it....but try to keep him from sounding like a total enemy.

 

I'll be honest, normally I think a woman who puts up with a cheating man is stupid. In your case though, I make the exception. I don't think he's a bad guy.....I think he just has alot of responsibilities and feels like he missed something by marrying so early.

 

Please let me know how it goes!!!

Arabess

[HurtinginVA]

The posts from you two are encouraging. Should I read them to my husband? He is more than willing to listen, which makes me feel like he is more than willing to try. For example:

 

I had made plans to go "out with the girls" last night, going to do some bar hopping. At first he was ok with it, then he was angry, then he apologized, then he said he was going out and me going out didnt "work for him", then we agreed that if I go out tonight(last night), tonight would be his to do as he wishes. My plans fell through. I was very upset and extremly emotional feeling like nobody wanted to be around me, not him, not my friends etc. I told him to go out, that it was ok, he could go out friday and saturday. He refused to leave, telling me that I was "down" and he couldnt leave me home to go out, knowing that. We had a few drinks, played cards, listened to some comedy stuff, laughed etc...

 

But this morning, when that overwhelming "dont know what to do with myself" feeling took control I called him and told him. And he listened. He said he didnt want to build up my hopes for anything, that that wouldnt be fair to me. He said he was busy with work, but that if I felt like I needed to talk some more, to call, and I want to, but havent.

 

This morning is when he told me it's not hopeless, of course, but he for the most part felt like it would end in divorce. I just want him to be open to the possibility of things working out. He said that he wouldnt block any feelings towards me, that if he felt himself changing, and really WANTING things to work out between us, he wouldnt stuff that away, but Im not sure if he's just saying that to help me let go?

 

It saddens me to see how many people have to endure something like this. I just, at this time, feel like I CANT endure. Yes, my mind has wandered into those dark spaces, where I know it shouldnt go, but whose wouldnt? I also feel like if things dont work out, as willing as he is to do everything in the world to make my life easier, I would lash out and make things horrible and full of hate. How can I think that about someone I love so much?

 

Sorry to ramble, just feels good to let it all out to people that dont know me.

[Arabess]

Ofcourse you are going to feel this way....the affair and the whole "he want's space" thing is fresh on your heart and mind. It's going to take alot of time and work as a couple to feel secure in this relationship again.

 

You are blessed he obviously DOES care about your feelings and is trying to be as considerate as possible. Then again, you don't want someone to stay with you out of obligation or pity (well, I wouldn't).

 

As painful as it may be, you two need to either decide to get some outside help, work it out yourselves or decide to take a break from each other to see how you feel when you aren't with each other. It may surprise you how much he will miss the only home he knows if he's given a little freedom.

 

Be careful is going out to bars and such. It sounds like a good idea....but it can really cause some additional problems. A jilted woman and alcohol....can have some crappy results. (Been there......) Actually, while you are still living together....going out to bars separately may not be the way to go. Bars are a breeding gound for divorce and silly arguments due to liquor.