Ilovecake Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 My experience has been that men I’ve dated always get over the initial breakup faster but for some reason after a few years they all try to get back together. After they go out there and try the grass on the other side and realize it's no greener, they always try to crawl back with their tails between their legs. I find it absolutely offensive. Link to post Share on other sites
twinklecat Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 Well in my case my exgf has chronically low, self-esteem. And I think in response to one of the earlier posts, she has to be with someone quickly that will stroke her ego and make her feel great and appreciated. I provided that for her when she split from her ex, and damn it if only I'd found LS back then not only would I have big bucks in the bank (paid off all of her debt to help us), but I wouldn't be writing this now. Not only did I ignore our mutual friends advice "to be careful" as she's been married twice, and her ex prior to me was an alcoholic drugdealer, I allowed her into my life. I think McGrupp posted a link on here a while back on how to recognize if you're dating a loser or not: http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=171 Point number 2 rings home with me, but not as quick as the article describes. Mine cheated on me xmas week 07', then came grovelling back begging for forgiveness. Literally 2 wks later she was talking about having my babies and marriage. What a F U C K I N G fool I was....flash forward to this past September she wants to take a break, then 3 wks later she's shacked up with her good friends ex-husband....I know you've heard this all before from me.....it's just so unbelievable to me how I allowed myself to be such a fool....I've come to grips with the fact that knowing I should have broken up months ago, I didn't....instead I tried to make things work...I guess I'm just angry with myself... Bulldozed, you're not a fool. I'm starting to think the same thing, about I should have ended things with my ex months ago, but I did the same, thought we could work things out, as I am optimistic that way, I always think things can be worked out. So please, don't think you're the one in the wrong or the fool, you really aren't. Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 Men seem to move on quicker, but what men do when they are going through a break -up is avoid the feelings and just go out and party/drink sleep with other women or the other extreme, they cave into themselves. Where as women move on slower but during the moving on process, they talk to friends, get therapy, cry, scream and they heal, so in months, they are totally over it while the men have not faced the "Loss" or the "mouring" and then months and months later, they are not healed. I'm 43, had love come and go, in my experience, the men in my life seemed to move on MUCH quicker I left my current boyfriend 2 yrs ago for 6 weeks, He was already having sex with another girl 3 weeks into it and seemed totally ok with the break up That was either his brovado and ego or he really was just ok with the end of it Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 After reading through every post on this thread, there's overwhelming evidence that males believe that women move on faster, while females feel that men move on faster...also, almost every person responding said that they were the ones who were dumped... This just goes to show that although each gender may exhibit certain generalized traits, it's based on each individual's character and the level of emotion attachment he/she has in the relationship...dumpers are usually done with the relationship and ready to move on, so their emotional attachment may be weakened or even severed completely...on the other hand, dumpees still have a strong emotional bond to their ex...one which makes it hard to move on...and only time can remove that bond... Now men may be stereotyped as emotionless players and women as damsels in distress after a breakup, but I'm sure there are just as many men who cry in their room at night and women who just want to whore it up... Either way, as a guy, I say women move on faster. Link to post Share on other sites
Bulldozed Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 Bulldozed, you're not a fool. I'm starting to think the same thing, about I should have ended things with my ex months ago, but I did the same, thought we could work things out, as I am optimistic that way, I always think things can be worked out. So please, don't think you're the one in the wrong or the fool, you really aren't. Thanks Twinklecat- Appreciate the support. My b-day was yesterday and as I've been nc for a month (last contact was an email apologizing for a harsh email I sent, though factually true), considering the thousands of dollars I loaned her beginning of 09' to clear her debt, I expected at least a happy b-day. I guess nothing surprises me anymore from her. Karma's a b i t c h, and it's coming her way, one day... Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 This is the opposite for me after I was dumped, my ex, male, gets attention from women, I get sod all, I guess not much interest in a 43 year old woman, but 39 year old men are still attractive. It will be easier for him to move on, I don't want anyone else, I'm sure his mind will soon be occupied, and our 18 years will be a distant memory. My spirit is broken, I don't think his is, my mind remains with my ex as it was the last feeling of love and attention I felt. I doubt there is a lonelier feeling. Eh, I would tend to disagree...my opinion is that women have it MUCH easier in moving on...they can simply go out and be showered with attention from men...because that's how our society works...men are generally seen as the chasers, so women just have to show up and go along for the ride...with all this new found attention, there is no need to look back at a broken relationship, as they've found something new to keep their mind occupied...sometimes they have to get to a certain point with another guy before realizing what they threw away with their ex...and sometimes they never look back... Guys, on the other hand, have to actively move on...and oftentimes their emotions and spirits are broken from the breakup and they have no interest in meeting new women...and they probably lack the self-confidence to do so since their breakup...so instead of getting out of there, their minds linger around their ex...because it was the last feeling of love and attention that they felt... But each person is different... Link to post Share on other sites
Ilovecake Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 This is the opposite for me after I was dumped, my ex, male, gets attention from women, I get sod all, I guess not much interest in a 43 year old woman, but 39 year old men are still attractive. It will be easier for him to move on, I don't want anyone else, I'm sure his mind will soon be occupied, and our 18 years will be a distant memory. My spirit is broken, I don't think his is, my mind remains with my ex as it was the last feeling of love and attention I felt. I doubt there is a lonelier feeling. Just remember it's not the quantity of attention it's the quality that counts. Link to post Share on other sites
jlr Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 Yeah, I don't know. The more I read all the different takes, I think it's clear it's hard to generalize this. Everyone is different. I'm a male, and I certainly didn't party it up, or go find random girls, or have meaningless sex. That's not in my nature as a person. It's not in my character. So I'd say it's more about personality type than gender. I've spent many nights crying over it. My ex did too, but she said it's easier for her because she detached from the relationship before she broke up with me. Honestly, I think that's ****ty. Especially since we still said "I love you" all the way until the end and she said things like "I'm so lucky" a month before. Thanks for letting me know it was just bull**** at the end. She's the one who started partying alot and began seeing/sleeping with others as way to forget the pain when we broke up. I was the one who was at home crying, trying to bear through the pain. So it's not gender based at all. It's who you are. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 It will be easier for him to move on, I don't want anyone else... It would be easier for anyone to move on faster than you...because you don't want to move on...at least not yet...but that's not because you're a woman...it's because you're still in love with your ex...and you're not going to get attention from men because your attitude will be reflected in your behavior and general demeanor...that you're not interested in anyone else...and it's going to be tough to find new love...if that's even at all an interest of yours one day... And yes, this feeling is terrible...one of my co-workers (married guy, about your age) today actually asked me about my dating life...I responded, "what dating life...?" He basically yelled at me for not getting out there and meeting women in the 'prime days of my life'...and as much as I feel like I'm wasting these weeks and months all butt-hurt about the past, I just don't have interest in other women just yet...so I know the feeling of wanting to find love again but not being willing to take that first step to look... Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 Yes, you're right, and it's not easy to let go when I have a small amount of hope to reconcile, I can't/won't hang on indefinitely though. It would be easier for anyone to move on faster than you...because you don't want to move on...at least not yet...but that's not because you're a woman...it's because you're still in love with your ex...and you're not going to get attention from men because your attitude will be reflected in your behavior and general demeanor...that you're not interested in anyone else...and it's going to be tough to find new love...if that's even at all an interest of yours one day... And yes, this feeling is terrible...one of my co-workers (married guy, about your age) today actually asked me about my dating life...I responded, "what dating life...?" He basically yelled at me for not getting out there and meeting women in the 'prime days of my life'...and as much as I feel like I'm wasting these weeks and months all butt-hurt about the past, I just don't have interest in other women just yet...so I know the feeling of wanting to find love again but not being willing to take that first step to look... Link to post Share on other sites
TheLoneSock Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 It would be easier for anyone to move on faster than you...because you don't want to move on...at least not yet...but that's not because you're a woman...it's because you're still in love with your ex...and you're not going to get attention from men because your attitude will be reflected in your behavior and general demeanor...that you're not interested in anyone else...and it's going to be tough to find new love...if that's even at all an interest of yours one day... And yes, this feeling is terrible...one of my co-workers (married guy, about your age) today actually asked me about my dating life...I responded, "what dating life...?" He basically yelled at me for not getting out there and meeting women in the 'prime days of my life'...and as much as I feel like I'm wasting these weeks and months all butt-hurt about the past, I just don't have interest in other women just yet...so I know the feeling of wanting to find love again but not being willing to take that first step to look... That feeling will come back, with a vengeance, I promise. When you're finally ready, you'll be taking a new hot girl home every night for a while, then you'll calm down and refocus, and then you'll be ready to look for an actual relationship again. Atleast that's how it's been for me, and most of my friends. You'll heal, then you'll get the excess out of your system, then you'll settle back into a want for a healthy relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 That feeling will come back, with a vengeance, I promise. When you're finally ready, you'll be taking a new hot girl home every night for a while, then you'll calm down and refocus, and then you'll be ready to look for an actual relationship again. Atleast that's how it's been for me, and most of my friends. You'll heal, then you'll get the excess out of your system, then you'll settle back into a want for a healthy relationship. Actually, I think I passed that crazy new girl every night phase...even though I don't do the new girl a night thing...but I met a few girls online...met them in person...wasn't impressed at all...and just got frustrated with the whole process...so I think I'm in that calm and refocus phase...I've accepted that the past is the past, and I don't have hope of reconciliation...but the girls that I have met just seem lame...and unattractive...but I guess it's just a matter of time before the right one comes into my life...and I'm ok with being patient...it took a few months to get to this point, but being single and not actively looking is not that bad of a deal... One of the thoughts lingering in my head lately is that my ex was my only shot at love...that I got somehow got lucky with her...and now I've lost it...so I'm stuck living alone with only the mountain squirrels as companions...I am what you'd call a late bloomer...grew up with very little self-confidence...made vast improvements and all my friends now say I'm the bee's knees...but I still have that unshakable self-esteem problem...it's a hard life-long habit to break...even though I do know that I'm doing alright...and that makes it much harder to find someone new if i'm still wondering what the heck my ex saw in me... Link to post Share on other sites
WiseOne1 Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 Women move on much quicker, the only time, the only "time" that a man will move on quicker, is if hes a Jerk, you know the no good guy, and thats because he never cared to begin with. But the nice guy will never move on quick. Link to post Share on other sites
TheLoneSock Posted November 23, 2009 Share Posted November 23, 2009 Actually, I think I passed that crazy new girl every night phase...even though I don't do the new girl a night thing...but I met a few girls online...met them in person...wasn't impressed at all...and just got frustrated with the whole process...so I think I'm in that calm and refocus phase...I've accepted that the past is the past, and I don't have hope of reconciliation...but the girls that I have met just seem lame...and unattractive...but I guess it's just a matter of time before the right one comes into my life...and I'm ok with being patient...it took a few months to get to this point, but being single and not actively looking is not that bad of a deal... One of the thoughts lingering in my head lately is that my ex was my only shot at love...that I got somehow got lucky with her...and now I've lost it...so I'm stuck living alone with only the mountain squirrels as companions...I am what you'd call a late bloomer...grew up with very little self-confidence...made vast improvements and all my friends now say I'm the bee's knees...but I still have that unshakable self-esteem problem...it's a hard life-long habit to break...even though I do know that I'm doing alright...and that makes it much harder to find someone new if i'm still wondering what the heck my ex saw in me... Then you haven't moved to the 'getting out of your system' phase yet, you are in fact still in the healing phase. It's when you can have a night with a girl without thinking they are lame because you're still hung up on your ex that you know you're out of it. That point just hasn't come for you yet. I have no idea how long you've been in the healing process, but you're still there. Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 It's when you can have a night with a girl without thinking they are lame because you're still hung up on your ex that you know you're out of it. That point just hasn't come for you yet. I have no idea how long you've been in the healing process, but you're still there. They aren't lame because I'm comparing them to my ex...they're lame because they're lame... But yes, you are absolutely right...I still have feelings for my ex...and yes, deep down I still think she's someone I would want to marry someday...so I'm not close to being over it...we broke up last July...NC since early September...so it's been a little over 4 months... Link to post Share on other sites
TheLoneSock Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 (edited) They aren't lame because I'm comparing them to my ex...they're lame because they're lame... But yes, you are absolutely right...I still have feelings for my ex...and yes, deep down I still think she's someone I would want to marry someday...so I'm not close to being over it...we broke up last July...NC since early September...so it's been a little over 4 months... It's all good. It took me the better part of a year to move forward. For some it takes longer, some it takes not as long. Just like what we were talking about it's all in the person's character and how attatched they get. 4 months is nothing, not to say you have a long way to go (even though you might), but it's completely normal for you to still be where you are. I wouldn't expect myself to be moving forward after only 4 months either. Edited November 24, 2009 by TheLoneSock typo Link to post Share on other sites
USMCHokie Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 It's all good. It took me the better part of a year to move forward. For some it takes longer, some it takes not as long. Just like what we were talking about it's all in the person's character and how attatched they get. 4 months is nothing, not to say you have a long way to go (even though you might), but it's completely normal for you to still be where you are. I wouldn't expect myself to be moving forward after only 4 months either. This is very true...I think the bottom line is that we can't compare how long it takes for us to heal to the time it takes for our ex to move on...because (1) we're different people and (2) one may be less/more attached to the relationship than the other...trying to "beat" our ex in moving on or getting depressed if it takes us longer only makes us do stupid things... Link to post Share on other sites
TheLoneSock Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 This is very true...I think the bottom line is that we can't compare how long it takes for us to heal to the time it takes for our ex to move on...because (1) we're different people and (2) one may be less/more attached to the relationship than the other...trying to "beat" our ex in moving on or getting depressed if it takes us longer only makes us do stupid things... When you actually enjoy the company of other girls and having sex with them doesn't make you feel guilty, or have any other negative feelings, that's when you know you've crossed that thresh-hold. You wouldn't think that sex with a girl would ever give a guy any kind of negative feelings, but that's just not the case. And you also wouldn't think that sex would be a viable barometer to your process, but it actually is a good guage for seeing where you're at, atleast for guys. Link to post Share on other sites
McGrupp Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 (edited) i would agree with that. ive had sex with 2 different girls since my breakup (sept) and both times i couldnt get the ex out of my head for most of it. especially the first girl which was sad and depressing and emotionally meaningless and i didnt even think about till weeks later. almost like an afterthought or a nice dinner. lol Edited November 24, 2009 by McGrupp Link to post Share on other sites
twinklecat Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 Thanks Twinklecat- Appreciate the support. My b-day was yesterday and as I've been nc for a month (last contact was an email apologizing for a harsh email I sent, though factually true), considering the thousands of dollars I loaned her beginning of 09' to clear her debt, I expected at least a happy b-day. I guess nothing surprises me anymore from her. Karma's a b i t c h, and it's coming her way, one day... You're welcome And that is true, Karma will catch up, and catch up with my ex and my ex best friend, sounds swful but thinking that really helps! Link to post Share on other sites
RedDevil66 Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 Yeah, I don't know. The more I read all the different takes, I think it's clear it's hard to generalize this. Everyone is different. I'm a male, and I certainly didn't party it up, or go find random girls, or have meaningless sex. That's not in my nature as a person. It's not in my character. So I'd say it's more about personality type than gender. I've spent many nights crying over it. My ex did too, but she said it's easier for her because she detached from the relationship before she broke up with me. Honestly, I think that's ****ty. Especially since we still said "I love you" all the way until the end and she said things like "I'm so lucky" a month before. Thanks for letting me know it was just bull**** at the end. She's the one who started partying alot and began seeing/sleeping with others as way to forget the pain when we broke up. I was the one who was at home crying, trying to bear through the pain. So it's not gender based at all. It's who you are. I agree with this. I do think it's who one is. I guess I've just been with men who can shut down after rhe break up Link to post Share on other sites
j_cali_man Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 From my experiences it has seemed that women do the better job of shutting down / shutting off emotions. Not really a debate as much as just the personality of who I have picked in the past. Women (and probably dumpers in general) do seem to detach in the weeks / months before. All the while fun things still happen, etc. After reading so many posts here I hadn’t realized that it’s more of a 50/50 thing. Still doesn’t change the fact that “project iceberg” hurts but I believe “project yo-yo” would hurt much more. Kind of a trip but looking back I can totally see the signs and if I had discovered this site back then, would of initiated LC or even NC then to prevent the eventual Hiroshima that occurred. Anyhow, it is what it is. Stay strong J Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts