Is It Wrong To Cry?

[Sandy6847]

I'VE BEEN WITH MY BOYFRIEND, NICK, FOR A MONTH. I LIKE HIM VERY MUCH. WHEN I'M WITH HIM AND JUST STARE AT HIM OR HOLD HIM REALLY TIGHT, I START TO CRY.

HE ASKS ME, " WHY ARE YOU CRYING?"

I TELL HIM, "BECAUSE I LOVE YOU."

 

WHAT DO GUYS THINK WHEN A GIRL CRIES JUST BECAUSE SHE LOVES HIM?

 

IS IT WRONG FOR ME TO CRY INFRONT OF HIM OR IS IT WRONG FOR ME TO CRY AT ALL FOR HIM?

[moimeme]

Did you know that using all caps means you're yellling? Kindly don't yell.

 

It is not wrong to cry. You are feeling a lot of emotion, and that moves you to the point of tears. If he is good boyfriend, he will accept you the way you are. He may be a little uncomfortable - men often are around crying women - but just explain that you have so much emotion that it overwhelms you and, I hope, he'll get used to it as just you being you.

[Vivid_29]

Originally posted by Sandy6847

I'VE BEEN WITH MY BOYFRIEND, NICK, FOR A MONTH. I LIKE HIM VERY MUCH. WHEN I'M WITH HIM AND JUST STARE AT HIM OR HOLD HIM REALLY TIGHT, I START TO CRY.

HE ASKS ME, " WHY ARE YOU CRYING?"

I TELL HIM, "BECAUSE I LOVE YOU."

 

WHAT DO GUYS THINK WHEN A GIRL CRIES JUST BECAUSE SHE LOVES HIM?

 

IS IT WRONG FOR ME TO CRY INFRONT OF HIM OR IS IT WRONG FOR ME TO CRY AT ALL FOR HIM?

 

Sandy -- Are you done shouting at us? Ok, good!

 

Anyway, emotions can be overwhelming, and for a woman, I guess it's OK to cry, but it depends on what you are crying about. From my experiences, a woman behaving as you do with your boyfriend, is a BIG TURN OFF. I recommend that you don't do it anymore!

[moimeme]

Pshaw. You ever try to stop crying? It isn't that easy. Sheesh. Like I said, a GOOD BF would endeavour to understand.

[yes]

i think that after just ONE month of dating, it's too early to show that much emotion. so yeah, try to cry privately.

 

-yes

[Vivid_29]

Originally posted by moimeme

Pshaw. You ever try to stop crying? It isn't that easy. Sheesh. Like I said, a GOOD BF would endeavour to understand.

 

Moimeme - Being that I don't cry, I can't comment on this, but I will say this. Crying because you love him so much is kind of sappy and could make him feel uncomfortable. It sure as hell makes me uncomfortable. It's just too much!

 

Viv

[mintjulep]

I think it really depends on how you're crying and how long you've actually known him. If you've only known the guy for a month, then he might think it's weird to see a girl he barely knows cry because she loves him (he may not understand being overwhelmed with emotion, even if you explain it). Moimeme is right in that a nice guy will try to understand you, but even nice guys can get weirded out if you're left sobbing in his arms sometimes, and he doesn't know what to do with you. Like I said, it really depends on how you're handling the situation. If a few tears trickle out, and when he asks what's wrong, you say, "Nothing, I just can't keep all of these feelings inside of me. I like you so much, they just needed to escape somehow." Then that would be okay. If you start crying and can't explain it to him and don't stop crying for a while, he might not quite think that you're crying because you love him. He might think you're crying because you're psycho (I'm not in any way saying you are ). Plus, I think even the best boyfriend might think this is strange behavior after only four weeks. I'm not saying he's not going to try to understand, but it might freak him out. I would try to keep the crying to a minimum when he's around. You can train yourself to do it. I am a highly emotionally charged person, and I used to cry every time something made me happy, sad, irritated...you get the picture. I learned how to release the feelings in other ways, depending on the situation. So, yes, in other words, I have tried to stop crying, and I've been successful. I also know that no decent guy is going to get rid of you because of this, and that even if he does think it's weird, he's going to accept it as a part of who you are. It's kind of like the boy who cried wolf though, this crying business. If you cry for every little thing, it really won't mean as much to people when you do cry. You'll be known as "The girl who's always crying" (A title I held for years). And remember, haha, no boy is worth crying for, and the ones that are won't make you cry. If he's a good guy, he really doesn't want to see you cry, because guys associate crying with hurt feelings and bad things I think it's too much to assume that any guy can understand the depth of our emotions sometimes. I'm happy that you've found someone who can squeeze so much love out of you. And by the way, it isn't wrong to cry in front of him. And if you're not worried about any of the things I said in this message, then cry away. I'm backing up moimeme on this one. Nice guys will be okay with it.

[moimeme]

Got news for ya, buddy. You can encounter tears in very unexpected situations. Telling somebody else to not be herself because it makes you 'uncomfortable' is bogus. Ideally, the man steps up to the plate, wraps arms around, and holds. That's it. No biggie.

 

So tell me. What makes you 'uncomfortable'? Let's explore?

 

if you're left sobbing in his arms sometimes

 

Oh, well yeah. I am assuming she means a few tears, not a total sobfest.

That might be a tad over the top. True, too, a month is a short time, but that's also

the exactly right time frame if they're in one of those 'love at first sight' major-infatuation

things, in which case the emotions are all over the top anyhoo.

[mintjulep]

I assumed she meant a few tears, too, but I wanted to cover all bases. You know what they say when you assume too much. I also don't want to condone "psychotic" behavior, because...well if you've seen How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days you know what I mean. So let's recap. Crying=good if it's an emotional release. Becoming a sobbing mess is not good. I think we all agree. And I also think all guys are uncomfortable seeing a girl cry a lot in the first month of a relationship. Crying is usually construed as a sign that something is wrong, and even if she can explain that it's not, for the first few moments, he's gonna think, "oh no, what did I do wrong". It's how he handles that discomfort (ideally, he steps up to the plate, wraps arms around, and holds) that determines whether he's a keeper or not.

[Vivid_29]

Originally posted by moimeme

Got news for ya, buddy. You can encounter tears in very unexpected situations. Telling somebody else to not be herself because it makes you 'uncomfortable' is bogus. Ideally, the man steps up to the plate, wraps arms around, and holds. That's it. No biggie.

 

So tell me. What makes you 'uncomfortable'? Let's explore?

 

Don't start with me, Moimeme!

 

Now, let's be rational here. You don't actually think that I want her to change because it makes ME uncomfortable, do you? If you do think this, let me be more clear. I'm telling Sandy about the way I feel about it, simply because she asked us how we feel about it and I'm simply telling how her boyfriends could POSSIBLY feel about it all. And yes, I recommend that she should not do this, because it could make him feel uncomfortable and scare him off.

 

Kind of like, going out on a date with the perfect woman. The date goes well. The next thing you know, she is banging on your door, the very next day, at 9:00 AM, with an arm full of groceries and is planning on making you breakfast.

 

The thought of it is nice, but it's too much and too darn soon and would make me extremely uncomfortable!

[Arabess]

Sandy,

There are certainly times when tears are appropriate. They can represent a tender moment. However, if it becomes your only form of expression...it's possible a guy might not appreciate your warm feelings all the time. I would save the tears for the 'special' times....not make them part of my daily hug.

 

I don't know how old you are or if your relationship is in an intimate stage....BUT....tears aren't always a big turn on for guys. Again, there are exceptions.....but not on a regular basis.

 

Sometimes just silence during a long passionate hug....is about as good as it gets.

 

[color=red].....am now going to send Moimeme and Vivid to their rooms without dinner........[/color]

[mintjulep]

Well said Arabess

[moimeme]

Still wanna get with this 'uncomfortable' stuff. Are you saying it's too emotional? The theory is that men don't like tears because it signals a problem they can't fix. I'm looking for the 'why' of this.

[Vivid_29]

Originally posted by moimeme

Still wanna get with this 'uncomfortable' stuff. Are you saying it's too emotional? The theory is that men don't like tears because it signals a problem they can't fix. I'm looking for the 'why' of this.

 

I just told you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[moimeme]

Just as well she's not your gf, then

 

Thing is, I think people need to be authentic and let themselves be accepted for what/who they are - unless they have undesirable traits. If she's very emotional and he does not respect that, then they may be ill-suited. I don't believe the answer is to change oneself to suit the other, but rather to find acceptance for who and what one is. It does no good to hide one's character traits temporarily; eventually they'll come out anyway.

 

It's different if she had a habit like twisting her hair or a mannerism or something like that that can be changed, but to change one's emotional makeup is not a simple task. So, if she's with a guy who doesn't like emotional women, best maybe they not be together. If she's fallen too hard, too fast - same goes.

 

I am hearing 'strategies' here which amount to 'pretend to be something you aren't in order to fool someone into believing you are something you are not.' Which is exactly the problem. Say she manages to do this long enough for them to marry. She finally can pretend no longer and becomes herself again. He's one of those sorts who has no respect for emotionalism and therefore for her.

 

Now where's the use in that?

 

BE WHO YOU ARE. That doesn't mean change bad habits, but you need to be your authentic self and look for acceptance for YOU.

 

If a million guys dislike emotional women, then she needs to find Mr. 1,000,001.

[Vivid_29]

Look, my dear -- I can handle a woman crying, but her crying, because she is in love with me, and only after a month of being together??? It all boils down to the challenge and I'm sure you know what I mean!!!

 

Moimeme, how would you feel if a man was crying to you, because he was madly in love with you, after being together for one month? How would you feel if a man cried, after you and he had sex, because it was so good? How would you feel if a man cried, because he had a bad day at work? Kind of sappy and gay, don't you think?

[Vivid_29]

Originally posted by moimeme

Just as well she's not your gf, then

 

**Sigh**

 

Moimeme, see, this is what happens when you get that high-speed brain of yours going. You always counter what I say!!!

 

 

This could go on forever!!!

 

Viv

[flyswatter04]

a very interestring question. me personally I think its kinda... well cute when a girl cry's becaues you are in love with him. most guy's probley wont say it outloud but deep inside i pertty sure that he thinks its very cute. probley makes him feel very good. now crying infront of him i think its cool just as long you dont get over excited.

Then again this is just my opinion.

[Arabess]

Originally posted by Vivid_29

 

Kind of like, going out on a date with the perfect woman. The date goes well. The next thing you know, she is banging on your door, the very next day, at 9:00 AM, with an arm full of groceries and is planning on making you breakfast.

 

The thought of it is nice, but it's too much and too darn soon and would make me extremely uncomfortable!

 

Great point Viv!!!! This is EXACTLY why I don't date locally!!! You go out with a guy once and then he keeps showing up with 'day' plans, calls constantly or *GASP* assumes you are now a 'couple'. I've actually had to avoid the phone and the door for so long that on some occasions....I felt like a prisoner in my own house.

 

There is something to be said about TIMING! Some people are so desperate for a 'relationship' that they try to push themselves into one....even if it isn't reciprocal. THEN when you tell them to bug off (after TRYING to do it nicely) they think YOU are the jerk.....because GAWD...they've been 'so nice' to you!!!! It's EXHAUSTING!!!

[mintjulep]

Exactly Arbess and Viv. And crying can be a bad habit just like nail biting and hair chewing. It's something you do as an outlet, and it can be curbed. It doesn't change who you are to try to channel your love, stress, emotion, etc. into something more productive. Plus, Timing is absolutely everything.

 

This thread also reminded me of a scene from an early episode of Friends, where Monica said that one of her worst boyfriends was Pete the crier. "Was it goo..ood for you...ou..." Seriously, if a guy cried every time we had sex...lol. I'd be a little freaked out. (Not because it's "gay" Viv Because it's weird. Guys crying can be a turn on, but not if he does it for no good reason. And no, sex is not a good reason)

[moimeme]

Moimeme, how would you feel if a man was crying to you, because he was madly in love with you, after being together for one month?

 

It has happened. It was one of the unwise relationships, yes, but I was as caught up as was he and we had spent pretty much 24/7 together after a great deal of correspondence. I was VERY touched. That a man would allow himself to be that vulnerable to me leaves me feeling honoured and humbled.

 

How would you feel if a man cried, after you and he had sex, because it was so good?

 

I would understand that it was an uncontrollable physiological response. Because it's happened to me. Surprised the hell out of me, but I had nothing to do with it.

 

How would you feel if a man cried, because he had a bad day at work?

 

Depends on what his work was and what happened.

 

Kind of sappy and gay, don't you think?

 

AH. Now we get to the crux of it?

 

As it happens, I have nothing but admiration for men who allow themselves to be that vulnerable. It means they have eschewed the ever-SO-tiresome stereotype of what constitutes 'man' and chosen to live authentically. It means they are in touch with one of the best elements of humanity - a tender heart. It means they accept themselves as whole humans and live to that standard. NOTHING is more attractive than that. No pseudo-'macho' guy can hold a candle to that.

[Vivid_29]

Well -- Moimeme, they're exceptions that disprove the rule and I must say that you are one of them...

 

Ok Moimeme -- I don't know if you are involved with anyone, but if you're not, I hope the next man you shack up with, cries to you everyday, about unfair Mexican trade agreements. Perhaps, he can write 'Moimeme' in rose petals on your pillow, in your bedroom. Maybe, he can cry with you, while watching 'Titanic'. And also, cook dinner for you, after going on a date with him, once. Maybe, he could tell you that he loves you on the first night.

 

I guess these are the types of guys you like.

 

 

I'm gonna try and be like the aforementioned and watch the women, break down my door, trying to get with me.

[Jon S.]

Try not to cry in front of him for now. Maybe later on you can, but it's only been a month. Too much emotion too soon can be scary. This also means you don't get to throw temper tantrums at him.

[moimeme]

I'm gonna try and be like the aforementioned and watch the women, break down my door, trying to get with me

 

Be my guest I've never hoped to appeal to the masses; only to the select few that I admire

[Vivid_29]

Originally posted by moimeme

Just as well she's not your gf, then

 

Thing is, I think people need to be authentic and let themselves be accepted for what/who they are - unless they have undesirable traits. If she's very emotional and he does not respect that, then they may be ill-suited. I don't believe the answer is to change oneself to suit the other, but rather to find acceptance for who and what one is. It does no good to hide one's character traits temporarily; eventually they'll come out anyway.

 

It's different if she had a habit like twisting her hair or a mannerism or something like that that can be changed, but to change one's emotional makeup is not a simple task. So, if she's with a guy who doesn't like emotional women, best maybe they not be together. If she's fallen too hard, too fast - same goes.

 

I am hearing 'strategies' here which amount to 'pretend to be something you aren't in order to fool someone into believing you are something you are not.' Which is exactly the problem. Say she manages to do this long enough for them to marry. She finally can pretend no longer and becomes herself again. He's one of those sorts who has no respect for emotionalism and therefore for her.

 

Now where's the use in that?

 

BE WHO YOU ARE. That doesn't mean change bad habits, but you need to be your authentic self and look for acceptance for YOU.

 

If a million guys dislike emotional women, then she needs to find Mr. 1,000,001.

 

Moimeme - I believe that you feel that if we hide our emotions, then we are being fake and unreal. I have emotions; I hurt just like you and everyone else on this forum, but I choose to hide behind a smile, when I'm hurt, because the second that woman, knows that I am hurting, she's got me by the b@lls and I will never give her that satisfaction. So, just because I hide my feelings, doesn't mean I'm trying to be someone I'm not...

 

Which would hurt you more? You break up with a man and he just gracefully walks away or to see him break down and cry like a little wussy boy?

 

For me, to see a woman gracefully walk away from me and not shed a tear would be more damaging, than to see her break down and cry. I also, would find that woman that much more desireable, because she walked away, so easily. I'm sure other people on this forum feel the same way.

 

See what I'm getting at?