Boyfriend's female best friend spending holidays together...?

[starskytwo]

Hey yall

So since september I've been dating this guy in college.

He and I are pretty much glued to the hip, and we are, i think its fair ta say, enamored with each other. We spent together as much time as we can, we sleep together, in the same bed, each night and he tells me he loves me and shows it by being understanding, always available and sweet with me.

THING IS, he is one of the guys who have a few guy friends and also girls friends, but his bestest friend is a girl from back home whom he once had the hots for-high school- but it never evolved and he 'got over it a long time ago.'

she studies in another university.

So the other day he said she would be going with him and his family someplace for thanksgiving! I told him I dont find it right but whatever, its his choice.

And he went on to tell me that I should look at this as if shes his sister, because this is what its like, that there is no unrequited love or underlying feelings, and that he would never do anythng to hurt me and how he feels bad that I misinsterpret the nature of their relationship and how that makes me feel uncomfortable.

 

Am I wrong? Im pretty sure Im right to be annoyed- I meannnn, who doesnt love exclusivity?

The thing is, what do I do now when theyre together for thanksgiving?

I know its too early to have expected him to invite me along, especially coz his dad is real conservative, but still.

 

And generally, what should my stance be toward this relationship?

I dont want to be bitchy and territorial but Imma not gonna be no pushover either.

[carhill]

I'll assume he has talked about exclusivity, since, in reality, you've only been together maybe two and a half months. If so, I presume he has an equally casual attitude about your friendships with other males. This would be a good dynamic to reinforce, that the holidays bring us into contact with old and good friends of both genders and it's a great time of the year to share with those we love.

 

I know he'll have positive feelings about this and you can put this concern to bed. Let us know how it goes

[jnj express]

1st why isn't he inviting you for turkey day. If the 2 of you are tight then he shouldn't even be looking at any other females. As to his rationalization that you should consider her his sister, that is pure drivel. She is not his sister, he not that long ago was tight with her, and I am willing to bet it won't just be platonic over the holiday. If you are serious then you need to draw a line in the sand right now---just get in his face, but do it very calmly, and icily, no emotions. Tell him if he brings her home to his family and spends the holiday with her---NOT TO COME BACK TO YOU. and let him know he can pick up his clothes out in the hallway----say it and walk away----DO NOT ARGUE WITH HIM. I guarantee you will find out how strong a relationship you have, if you draw your line in the sand.

[miss_sapphire]

TBH, if I were you, I'd trust him in this instance. They've known each other since high school. If they were meant to be together they would have got together already. And if he's still secretly pining over her (which he doesn't seem to be by the sound of it) it wouldn't matter whether he sees her or not.

 

Will you get a chance to meet her, say, after Thanksgiving?

[Skump]

So, your BF has a "sister" he'd quite like to f*ck, with whom he has a good relationship and enjoys spending separate "family time."

 

Jiminy Cricket, there's no way this could go wrong!

 

I dont want to be bitchy and territorial but Imma not gonna be no pushover either.

 

While not wanting to be a "bitch" is admirable, a bit of territoriality is no poison to a relationship. The time is not long off when, e.g., "family trips" apart from you with this girl should be absolutely verboten.

 

If they were meant to be together they would have got together already.

 

Unfortunately, that ain't necessarily so: Nothing seems to kindle the fires of ardor in a woman like the realization that a potential mate is attracting the interest of other women.

Edited November 23, 2009 by Skump

[Bejita463]

So, your BF has a "sister" he'd quite like to f*ck, with whom he has a good relationship and enjoys spending separate "family time."

 

I have female friends that have spent holidays with my family and I, and vice versa. I don't have a secret desire to do anything sexual with them. What's the guy supposed to do, give up an established friend for a new relationship? I wouldn't do that either. I'm an adult, and I expect my partner to be as well.

 

It is possible there is more to it, but were that the case it'd be more likely he'd just hide the entire relationship outright.

[Treasa]

My best friend is a guy, and for the past I don't know how many years he's come with me to my family's Thanksgiving.

 

My boyfriend now ALSO comes with us to Thanksgiving.

 

If you love your boyfriend, let this go. If you're still together next year, he'll be asking either the both of you to go with him, and then you can see that it's harmless, or he'll be asking just you. And if you aren't together, it won't matter much, right?

 

The holidays are a time for people to get together. Maybe this girl either has a nice relationship with his family, or maybe she has nowhere else to go.

[angkla76]

It's hard to say what you should do if it was me I'd wonder why I was not invited to go along to. That fact would make me feel like there's more to it then what he says.

But if he's never gave you any reason not to trust him, then you should not make a big deal out of it. Maybe just talk to him a little about it. Explain everything calmly. Communication and trust are the two most important things in a relationship.

[starskytwo]

he says she'll visit maybe next month..

[Skump]

I have female friends that have spent holidays with my family and I, and vice versa. I don't have a secret desire to do anything sexual with them.

 

Lots of bad stories begin with "I never had any intention/desire to...". It's not a universal law that situations like those in the first post must turn unhealthy, but it's a reality that this often happens. The OP's boyfriend obviously has the hots for this girl, so the OP has real reason to be concerned. Particularly if you add alcohol, it isn't difficult to conceive of scenarios in which this "innocent" relationship would go south.

 

What's the guy supposed to do, give up an established friend for a new relationship?

 

No - once he's deeply committed, he's supposed to behave like a committed man and remove whatever interaction would create circumstances conducive to infidelity. For instance, he shouldn't be going on trips with this woman without his GF present...

 

A truly desirable woman will have no difficulty getting her way in this regard. Were I the OP, I wouldn't give two sh*ts about her BF's "friendship" with this old flame. He can cultivate other relationships.

[LindaLiss]

u have all reason to feel a little offended if he didnt invite u and instead he invited his friend, thats really bad, i mean u are his girlfriend. When I met my boyfriend al we had was less than a month together last year and he took me to his parents house for christmas, thats just... u know obvious. so i dont blame u for feeling annoyed, i'd be the same way too!!!!!!!!!

[Yukikazi]

The OP's boyfriend obviously has the hots for this girl, so the OP has real reason to be concerned. Particularly if you add alcohol, it isn't difficult to conceive of scenarios in which this "innocent" relationship would go south.

 

I'm sorry I must have missed the part where she stated her BF "obviously has the hots for the girl"

I saw her say he was intersted in her years ago.. but not where he currently has feelings/intentions towards her.

 

What gives you the indication that he has the hots for the friend?

Maybe his parents invited her with them. Maybe she has been joining them for years and its tradition now.

 

There isn't enough information to judge the guys state of mind or intentions. Hell for all we know he could have had a private chat with his parents about not wanting her to go. The OP dosen't say either because she dosen't know or neglected to mention it to elicit sympathy for her "plight". But I don't see how you can label his thoughts so readily based off scant info.

[starskytwo]

he told me he doesnt have the hots for her anymore, thats he got over it a long time ago and that theyve been like brother and sister and how she doesnt attract him.

He also says she wants to meet me when she visits eventually.

the thing is, he never invited me along. maybe its because its too early, maybe because of his parents.

i understand maybe he wanted to invite her because they study away from each other and havent really had a chance to actually catch up for some while,.

i think the concern isnt the excuse he'd give on why he invited her, its more about how this relationship stands with him and his friend, and to what extent i have a right to break this off because of this.

next thing i know he could say theyve planned the next break together as well!

ultimately, i feel it all has foundations in the ever-recurring debate: "can a boy and a girl truly be friends", " can one really get over having the hots for someone he never hooks up with" and "what does it mean for a guy with a femaile best friend to have a girlfriend"? should that imply he has to distance himself from a 'like my sister friend' or should the girlfriend come second and respect that?

....

[Yukikazi]

If you've only been going out since September.. I wouldn't be bringing parents into it either.. way too soon. You haven't been going out for 2 whole months yet..

[D-Lish]

The guy hasn't done anything wrong. He's been honest about the nature of their relationship, been honest that she is having dinner with them. He could have said nothing at all- which is what most people would do if they had something to hide.

 

So he has female friends, so what. Accepting that doesn't make you a push-over- it makes you mature.

 

You are questioning whether or not you can trust him when he hasn't given you reason to be mistrustful.

 

Of course you can't control how this makes you feel- but you can control how you handle things with your bf. He hasn't done anything to deserve contempt as things stand now.

[D-Lish]

The guy hasn't done anything wrong. He's been honest about the nature of their relationship, been honest that she is having dinner with them. He could have said nothing at all- which is what most people would do if they had something to hide.

 

So he has female friends, so what. Accepting that doesn't make you a push-over- it makes you mature.

 

You are questioning whether or not you can trust him when he hasn't given you reason to be mistrustful.

 

Of course you can't control how this makes you feel- but you can control how you handle things with your bf. He hasn't done anything to deserve contempt as things stand now.

[threebyfate]

As someone who has a number of exes for friends, I'll admit that this would bother me, in that he's invited a girl he's previously had the hots for and I wasn't invited for Thanksgiving. If you're both still in college, highschool wasn't that long ago.

 

Whether your b/f is trustworthy, only you can know, since you know him better than anyone else on LS. But for certain, he's not taking your feelings into consideration.

 

You're going to have to decide if this is acceptable behaviour on his part or not. I would consider it dump-worthy.

[Skump]

I saw her say he was intersted in her years ago.. but not where he currently has feelings/intentions towards her.

 

Unless she's turned into a sack of lard, he presumably still finds her quite f*ckable. This is not trivia.

 

And I have some news for you - this dude doesn't have full insight into his own psychology. No one does. We do know that he carried a flame for his friend once. Unless she's become a totally different person, it's reasonable to assume that she's still appealing to him on some animal level. That a relationship didn't emerge from their earlier interactions is irrelevant to this fact. History is littered with instances in which "friends" became more than friends during times of adversity or through the help of alcohol (ending marriages since ~10,000 BC).

 

My philosophy is simple: Guys shouldn't put themselves in situations conducive to infidelity. I don't believe the OP's boyfriend need cut off all contact with this girl, but I do think that should he prepared to distance himself from her as his relationship with the OP advances.

 

Right now these two are in the early phase of their relationship, and I would agree that her BF should be cut some slack. However, I sure as heck wouldn't approve of something like this next year were I the OP.

 

OP: Never forget that others' estimation of your value is partially a function of what treatment you are willing to accept. Realize that reality is not isomorphic with the PC picture of human relations taught these days. IME, women do not do themselves a disservice by being a bit jealous. This is flattering to the male and a reminder that he's on a short leash when it comes to infidelity.

[Ash20]

Hey Starskytwo, I have to agree with some others when I say I don't think anything bad is happening yet. I think for now, you should trust him. Like they said, at least he was honest with you instead of keeping a secret. My bf used to keep secrets almost like that from me, and he also has a "best female friend" he used to date in high school, but it never really went anywhere and now "she is like a sister to him." Granted, my bf never invited her anywhere with his family. But trust your bf for now and try to be open. However, keep your eyes open...the situation could turn if this girl decides to try anything. Hopefully she's an admirable person and doesn't. Unfortunately in my case, my bf's friend decided to start playing games and playing on his emotions as soon as he started dating me. Also, add a bit of mystery to yourself over the holiday. Don't talk to him very often...now don't ignore him, but if he calls, tell him you're doing something interesting like hanging out with friends and tell him you'll call him back later. This will get him thinking more about you and less about her. After all, distance makes the heart grow fonder. Good luck!

[SageThyme]

Hmm... that situation can sting a bit. What I might do is, ask to meet her beforehand. Get a proper introduction as his girlfriend, the girl he loves and chooses, and to her as his sister-figure. Get to know her on her own. Then, she will also respect your boundaries more, because she will respect your role in his life, and you will better understand what her role is in his. Plus then, you will be able to gauge their chemistry better and see whether it is harmless or not.

[hoping2heal]

Hmm. This situations has "what the french, toast?!" written all over it.

 

Now, I know in this day and age people have developed a tolerance or are used too all kinds of goofy **** I'd never be okay with- like "oh well gee whiz, he's telling you she's around so that makes it just fine." All this stuff about, yeah I have my boyfriend and then my cuddly bugley best male friend, and vice versa.

 

You know, different strokes for different folks. I wouldn't let that **** fly, but I guess I'm "old fashioned". I don't know what in the sam hill is going on with the two of you, but what kind of a man tells you he cares so much about you, spends all of his time with you, and then brings another woman to thanksgiving, but not YOU? I mean really, I don't know what people are thinking these days, some of these so called dating "rules" and logics give me a headache. Like, really? What an effen nightmare.

 

I think you have a right to be upset yes, if your relationship "isn't that serious" then you two oughtta stop acting that way. I don't know, I really don't understand this logic and feel bad for a lot of you out there trying to date and navigate through all these bull**** new age rules. Gosh, what a nightmare.

[Javelin]

I don't think he's right for you and this is a pretty good indication of what he'll be like in the future.

[Skump]

You know, different strokes for different folks. I wouldn't let that **** fly, but I guess I'm "old fashioned".

 

Admittedly, reason is a bit out of fashion these days.

[cheergirl]

"So, your BF has a "sister" he'd quite like to f*ck, with whom he has a good relationship and enjoys spending separate "family time."

Jiminy Cricket, there's no way this could go wrong!" Skump

 

"You know, different strokes for different folks. I wouldn't let that **** fly, but I guess I'm "old fashioned". I don't know what in the sam hill is going on with the two of you, but what kind of a man tells you he cares so much about you, spends all of his time with you, and then brings another woman to thanksgiving, but not YOU? I mean really, I don't know what people are thinking these days, some of these so called dating "rules" and logics give me a headache. Like, really? What an effen nightmare." hopin2heal

 

I agree with these 2 posters... I feel like I am in an alternative universe when I read some of this stuff..

You are absolutely right to feel aggrieved...I don't understand all these crazy-ass "my boyfriend has a best friend who's a female? a girl? another woman???? When did that get to be okay??? I don't live in the US so it just sounds crazy to me; asking for trouble; but the real point (IMHO) is this: He doesn't want YOU with his family at Thanksgiving, he wants her... Even though he sleeps with you and claims to love you... Actions speak louder than words...

Ummmm, how do I put this; you're already on the second shelf... He's already placed her higher than you in his life...this could never be acceptable for me... Even at this early stage in the relationship I still expect to come in front of all other women in his life except his mother or a very young daughter. Other women are adept at manipulation and I don't play that sh*t.. Are you happy knowing that by the end of the holiday she will know everything about you and what you do because she willl want to know and compare, but the truth is she already knows all she needs to know...He chose her instead of you...

We're all different, but if that were me, girlfriend, he'd know before he left, if he chose to go ahead with that plan, sans moi, there'd be nothing for him to come back to...

I play second fiddle to NO WOMAN--EVER!!! He's asking permission to put someone in what should be your place and getting you to agree to it because you're afraid of being a "bitch"..Better a bitch than a doormat/fool... Call me old-fashioned too....

[Yukikazi]

Question for all those claiming he has ulterior motive and his "gf" has the right to be annoyed.

 

She says she has been with him since september.. just how many dates are we talking here? 2 per week every week? once a week? 6 dates total over the 2 months? Busy schedules and such may have this 2+ month relationship of theirs on such a rollercoaster they could be the type that has only gone out a half dozen times since they hooked up.

 

Is there an ethical difference in this situation if.. they have been dating since september

 

1. They have seen each other maybe 4-6 times over that 2+ month period. Is he still such the devil that he didn't invite her to meet his parents?

 

2. Who invited the ex? Him or his parents or is she going as a tradition?

 

3. Has he told her they were exclusive?

 

Keep in mind he was honest and told her outright what was occuring on the holiday so he hasn't attempted to hide anything.