How will I deal with this?

[Dooda]

I hope you can have the time to read this.

I have always been beaten and insulted and have always thought it was normal... because that was the way the family ran - it was the tradition. I believed it and I believed I was supposed to be insulted and I believed that my mother had the right to blurt insults at my face, because she's my mother, and that my father had the right to smack me. I believed all of it, because I was blind.

 

For 18 years I have been abused and abused to the point where there is nothing left in me. When I was younger, my mother would beat me, giving me the regular slipper beating and blurting as many insults as she could such as : "I wish you were never born," or, "Son of a b***h." Afterwards, it would be me who would come back and say: "I'm sorry for getting in trouble at school."

 

When I got older, my father would beat me, and his beatings were so much worse. He would do whatever he could to get the anger out of him: pull my hair, smack me in the face, rip my clothes, break my stuff. After all of this, after all the disgusting, despicable behavior, he would give me the silent treatment and treat me as though I was a plague he couldn't even look at. I couldn't even be mad at him....

 

My brother supported this and he'd treat me the same way. He's 7 years older than me. Whenever we'd get into an argument it would always end up either him winning and verbally abusing me, looking down on me and talking about how much of a failure at life I am, or - if I got the upper hand in the verbal argument - beating me to a pulp. I've always wondered why my brother seemed to be like this, and I could only figure that as he was raised this way, he thought it was normal to treat me like this.

 

Last year I went to military school. My grades were failing and I messed up my last year at high school. I was going through some serious problems and I felt like total ****, and I'm still going through these problems. Insecurity, emptiness, lost, hopeless, anger, confusion.... it all keeps going through my head. I tried to tell my parents what was going on. They simply didn't listen. They said it was just a phase every body goes through and that I shouldn't make such a big deal of it. My mother herself told me that when she had depression and anxiety, she couldn't study for over 4 months because of her problem. She wonders why I can't study, she says my problem isn't as big as hers, and I'm using this problem as an excuse to void myself of blame. Maybe it's true, but 3 years ago, I never had bad grades. I was the top of my class in some classes, and my mother would still blame me for not getting high enough.

 

Up until last year, before I went to military school and had some space and time to my own, I believed all of this was normal. I would argue, but I would never react in the same ways my father and mother did.

 

When I came back, I was fed up. I was fed up of being disregarded. I was fed up of being **** on constantly. I was fed up of being pressured into doing my parent's decisions every single day of my life. I was fed up of feeling like I was constantly wrong. I was fed up of trying to please my disgusting parents. I was fed up of being mistreated and them disregarding their actions.

They had promised me during the year that if I got my grades up I would be able to enter any program I wished, as long as it was in a good University and a good, well-respected Program. I got 85% average at the end of the year. I was accepted into all the universities I had applied to. My parents wanted me to enter Law and I was interested in entering Engineering in the best University in Canada for that program.

After all, it was their decision that counted. They told me that if I wished to enter Engineering, I would have to finance myself and fend for myself...

 

The 3 months I have been back from military school have been hell. I have been giving them everything back that they have given me since for as long as I can remember. I insult them, break their stuff around the house, even push them. What I understand is that this is wrong. I keep telling myself that I need to control myself if I want to keep my self-respect, but I can't. I can't keep it in when they insult me, look down on me and make me feel constantly bad.

About 2 months ago, my father called me his Slave and smacked me in the face, and then punched me a couple of more times. I swore at him, every single word you can think of. After that, he gave me the silent treatment...

Ever since then it has gotten worse, and worse, and worse.

 

Basically the fights go in the order that my mother or father start their same old bull****, and I'll give them back their bull****. It keeps escalating, because I'm not giving in, like I used to, until it can't get any worse.

 

Overall, I feel like crap. I am constantly anxious. With most people I am never able to be myself and I'm always putting myself down when I don't need to.

 

It has gotten to the point where I am now sleeping in a Hotel away from my "family", until I get an apartment and can move on with my life.

They have told me I'm wrong, I'm crazy, I'm insane, I'm not thinking right. "How dare I insult my parents?" They tell me it's against the law to verbally, physically, and emotionally abuse someone.......... I just don't get that... I don't get it.... how can they be so blind to themselves and say that I have been physically and verbally abusing them when they have been doing it to me for so long...

It's just like they actually DONT think they're wrong. They have no feeling about what they have done. They have no feeling of the way they have treated me and about the way I feel now. It's as if nothing is their fault, and everything is mine. I am wondering if I am crazy because they are simply unable to see any wrong they have done, and whether it is me just seeing wrong.

The thing is I am able to accept that what I have done is wrong. Insulting my parents is not right, it's obvious. But they accept nothing. I am willing to approach and apologize and admit, but they have no willingness to show anything. They THINK that insulting, angrily beating, and emotionally abusing your son IS normal, they TRULY do.

It's not only with me that this happens. Whenever there's a dispute, swearing always come in, usually by my mother. My father has beaten my mother a few times because he simply can't take being emasculated anymore. My mother is a self-delusional tyrant and my father is a wimp of a man with no sense of self control.

 

Right now, I'm just empty... I don't know what to think, what to feel, how to think. I think that I'm going crazy. I don't feel right inside. I feel like everything that has happened is my fault, even though I KNOW the truth. I know the truth, but it's so hard to accept that I will never have to deal with my parents again. They are *******s, but they are still my parents. All I want is them to accept some sort of blame for what they have done and to give me an apology. That's all I want.

How am I supposed to deal with this knowing they won't give me any of that? They will never accept what they've done.