Do the "get them back" ebooks work?

[red_cloud]

Whenever I see these sites.. I think.. SCAM right away.

 

But during an awful breakup a few years ago I gave in and actually bought one. That ex is a complete buffoon so needless to say it didn't work with him, but then again he's so emotionally cold I doubt anything will even be able to make a dent on his heart.

 

Now during my current breakup, I found it on my harddrive and re-read after a few years later. Surprisingly, it had little fluff (at least the one that I had gotten) - but instead common reasons why guys leave relationship, the woman's contribution.. re-reading it again really made sense in the context of this relationship.

 

The thing is the ebook didn't advocate strict NC like on this site. It said not to contact him first (unless its been over 2 months and you still want him back) but otherwise, the advice was to be happy, in control, slightly detached from the situation, and to be able to walk away if he doesn't treat you right even though you want to get back with him - basically, to bring back the value and respect he had for you when you first started dating but then for whatever reason he lost.

 

It makes sense to me, but on the other hand, its also a little counterintuitive, since I'm more of a NC person, so I was wondering what other people's opinions or experiences on this.

[DenverBachelor]

Unless the title is, "How to get me back" and it was written by your ex, I don't think so.

[boogieboy]

It makes people hold out for hope, but by the time you realize it wont work, you already bought it. Its def a scam with some concepts the state to get on with your life and not to hold out hope, but its still designed just to sell. Theres nothing YOU can do to get your ex back, your ex has the control in the situation.

[DenverBachelor]

It makes people hold out for hope, but by the time you realize it wont work, you already bought it. Its def a scam with some concepts the state to get on with your life and not to hold out hope, but its still designed just to sell. Theres nothing YOU can do to get your ex back, your ex has the control in the situation.

 

Well, there are some ways to definitely get your ex back if you step outside the bounds of legality.

[Von]

I'd like to chime in on this one.

 

I bought the Ex2 system before I found this site. Alot of the concepts were good, but it didn't work in my situation because I was getting strung along which it has no real advice for, it's good for complete breaks... Maybe. But it did have good concepts to follow.

 

However, the supplemental ebook, how to train your girlfriend is solid gold.

It goes into great detail about how to be a man, behave, set bounderies, develop your role... I mean it's REALLY good stuff. It helped me grasp what I need to be like in any future relationship, and it uses no manipulation or mind tricks or anything bad. It's a blueprint for bettering yourself and doing things for you and keeping control of yourself. And it teaches you all the behaviors that will cause your ex to leave, which I did most of them though I didn't realize it till it was too late. If that is sold seperate get that one, so you don't lose your next girl (or ex if they come back, which is highly unlikely).

[red_cloud]

It makes people hold out for hope, but by the time you realize it wont work, you already bought it. Its def a scam with some concepts the state to get on with your life and not to hold out hope, but its still designed just to sell. Theres nothing YOU can do to get your ex back, your ex has the control in the situation.

 

You kind of are a thread killer like your signature says.

 

I agree that there might be nothing you can do to get your ex back - as in the case of my ex.. or ex ex now, but there are things that would contribute to getting them back. That's kind of like the same loser mentality I see with people who never succeed financially and say... I was never given the opportunity like somebody else was.

 

Don't want to be mean.. I was just hoping for a little more enlightened discussion than this.

[red_cloud]

I'd like to chime in on this one.

 

I bought the Ex2 system before I found this site. Alot of the concepts were good, but it didn't work in my situation because I was getting strung along which it has no real advice for, it's good for complete breaks... Maybe. But it did have good concepts to follow.

 

However, the supplemental ebook, how to train your girlfriend is solid gold.

It goes into great detail about how to be a man, behave, set bounderies, develop your role... I mean it's REALLY good stuff. It helped me grasp what I need to be like in any future relationship, and it uses no manipulation or mind tricks or anything bad. It's a blueprint for bettering yourself and doing things for you and keeping control of yourself. And it teaches you all the behaviors that will cause your ex to leave, which I did most of them though I didn't realize it till it was too late. If that is sold seperate get that one, so you don't lose your next girl (or ex if they come back, which is highly unlikely).

 

Thanks man.. but I'm a girl, so it won't help. Unless I can figure out somewhere how I can train a guy

[Printer]

I must admit I went out and bought quite a few ebooks. I was in a big panic and didn't want to lose my wife after 24 years. That was some 10 months ago.

Although we are not back together, still hoping for that, they kind of give you false hope. Some of the information has been useful but that information is freely available here on LS.

The best investment for me was to employe a life coach/hypnotheapist. He has helped me with my mental state and now I am really looking forward to life either with or without my wife.

My wife and son have noticed that I am beginning to change my ways, which makes me think it has been worthwhile.

I would say steer clear of these so called ' get your ex back ' books and use LS for support.

It is very important to remember you are only hearing one side of the arguement here.

I don't know of any couples who are both using LS for support, unless someone knows better!

[leap83]

red_cloud: I don't know any of your background information (ie what happened, how long has it been, etc.) so I'm going to try and weigh in as much as possible. However, more details would be beneficial.

 

I don't think that books like "How to get your ex back" work. I mean, everyone is different but generally speaking your question is not necessarily how to get them back, but how to open up the doors to them. There isn't a manual out there that is going to tell you step by step how to open up doors like that. It's for you to figure it out. Based on the experience I'm going through right now, I can tell you one thing for sure: self-improvement will help in opening those doors.

 

Secondly, you've got to be objective. It takes 2 to tango and thus, BOTH of you contributed to the break-up. No pointing fingers. You have to look at yourself and see how YOU contributed to it (whether it was intentionally or unintentionally - it doesn't matter). Then take it from there - how can YOU work on YOURSELF to prevent this from happening in the future?

 

You might think this is a bunch of fluff but honestly, you don't want to get them back and then break-up the next day because ALL of the issues that were there before are still there. You want to look at these issues, work on them and then possibly get back together. You know why so many couples get back together and then break up again? Because they don't work on themselves and evaluate their relationship from an objective stand point. Sort of like this "Hmmm... I believe that this and this and this made you feel angry. Is that so? Am I on the right track? If not, how did it make you feel?" It's about getting a sense of what they were feeling at certain moments - you need to gauge that because that is the only way to start working on yourself and issues in the relationship.

 

So, LC with a slow transition into talking about your relationship (if your ex is open to this and I'm hoping he is - mine was more than open to it) and what went wrong, would be the way to go. Hopefully that makes sense. If not, feel free to ask.

[Beeotch]

The thing is the ebook didn't advocate strict NC like on this site. It said not to contact him first (unless its been over 2 months and you still want him back) but otherwise, the advice was to be happy, in control, slightly detached from the situation, and to be able to walk away if he doesn't treat you right even though you want to get back with him - basically, to bring back the value and respect he had for you when you first started dating but then for whatever reason he lost.

I didn't read any e-books on how to get my ex back, although I did read the articles out of interest to see what they really had to say. Most were clearly ridiculous, trying to make a profit out of people's pain.

 

But on my own the things you are describing were the things I did/am doing. It made sense to me and worked in terms of helping me feel better. I see that advice as something sensible and not insane and delusional as some of the others are.

 

Depending on the reason for your break-up, who broke up with whom and the personalities of the involved parties....different things are more effective than others. Which is why there cannot be any book or advice on LS or anywhere else that will 100% always work. With that said...if you were the one who clearly messed up or initiated the break then I think it makes more sense for you to be the one to figure out ways to fix things however, I think it is silly if you didn't really mess up and this person wants to do their own thing or some such for you to be chasing them down.

 

I believe what is to be will be...my ex told me last week that he misses me and all this and apologized for some of the wrongs he did and I know he wants me back. But it was not because of any trick or ebook or LS advice or any such thing. I always KNEW he did and I understand the particulars of our situation. I do not know what will eventually come of this, but the point is because I believe what is to be will be, I really just live my life and I don't focus on trying to get my ex back. No one should.

Edited November 23, 2009 by Beeotch

[medusas]

I recently read that ubiquitious eBook called "Catch Him and Keep Him."

 

It's presented on the internet in "spam/scam" style and written kind of the same way; for the lowest common demoninator. However, there was a lot of useful common sense info in there, and I did indeed have a few lightbulb moments. Pretty much all of the stuff in there is reiterated on sites like this one, though.

 

However, it made me feel crazy for a few days after reading it... I depended on it like a lifeline, in a way, and I felt like I never in my life knew what the heck I was doing in relationships and couldn't trust myself so I put all my trust in this dumb book. I guess I was so desperate that this cheesy book read like a bible. Be careful of that.

 

I'd say go ahead and read these books if you like, but do not immediately act upon what you read. Give it a few days to sink in, do something else, forget about the stuff it says, read stuff here. Then maybe only the really important stuff will sink in and become something that makes sense to you in a real way, instead of blindly following the rules out of despair/desperation.

[red_cloud]

Thank you guys.. your replies are wonderful.

 

For my specifics, we broke up (it was semi-mutual, I initiated but he really forced me into that position) because he feels like we don't have enough in common and he really has to concentrate on finish graduate school now and has a hard time not being distracted. I think he might have a mild learning disability judging by how long it takes him to do his work and he doesn't think he can handle a relationship and school at the same time.

 

The thing is, I am more than willing to work around these issues with him and give him the space he needs. So I wonder if its really the truth, he just CAN'T deal with this now at all or if he just doesn't care about me that much so why bother work it out? I just think that if he did care, he would try since I'm willing. And that really hurts the most...

 

So these ebooks, I don't really know what I want to get out of them. I don't want to leave this relationship, I understand the issue assuming that what he's told is true and they are not just "excuses" he's feeding me.. and I just feel like this relationship CAN work out.

 

So I'm at a loss...space is obviously what both of us need right now after everything, but it just breaks my heart to let him go over things like this.. when everything else is great, you know?

[leap83]

Thank you guys.. your replies are wonderful.

 

For my specifics, we broke up (it was semi-mutual, I initiated but he really forced me into that position) because he feels like we don't have enough in common and he really has to concentrate on finish graduate school now and has a hard time not being distracted. I think he might have a mild learning disability judging by how long it takes him to do his work and he doesn't think he can handle a relationship and school at the same time.

 

The thing is, I am more than willing to work around these issues with him and give him the space he needs. So I wonder if its really the truth, he just CAN'T deal with this now at all or if he just doesn't care about me that much so why bother work it out? I just think that if he did care, he would try since I'm willing. And that really hurts the most...

 

So these ebooks, I don't really know what I want to get out of them. I don't want to leave this relationship, I understand the issue assuming that what he's told is true and they are not just "excuses" he's feeding me.. and I just feel like this relationship CAN work out.

 

So I'm at a loss...space is obviously what both of us need right now after everything, but it just breaks my heart to let him go over things like this.. when everything else is great, you know?

 

Instead of assuming and wondering, why don't you ask him? Why not be straight up. Say "I'm feeling upset about this and this because of this and I would like to hear why do you think this..." If you keep assuming, all you're doing is going in circles. Why not talk about it? Is he open to talking? Are you NC?

 

I used to assume things but they were just MY opinions. They weren't facts. And you won't know the facts unless you communicate.

[squishy]

I've bought a few of those ebooks. All of them seem to say the same thing: don't contact them (or don't contact them first) for at least a month and then go ahead and contact, focus on yourself and feeling better (workout, eat right, buy some new clothes), go on a few dates, find a way for them to find out you went on some dates, be happy when talking to them, invite them out for a short get together and be happy, keep things light and don't talk about the relationship etc.

 

Some of these things work, it's good to focus on you and feeling good about yourself. Not contacting them is probably a good idea (although I keep breaking this rule constantly :S). They are helpful to an extent in those ways, they get you thinking about what was going wrong in the relationship. But they don't talk about strategies on how to overcome the problems, making solutions and effectively communicating when you do get them to talk about it. All you get is advice on how to make the first meeting good, and how to get a second date.

[bluestraps]

It makes people hold out for hope, but by the time you realize it wont work, you already bought it. Its def a scam with some concepts the state to get on with your life and not to hold out hope, but its still designed just to sell. Theres nothing YOU can do to get your ex back, your ex has the control in the situation.

 

 

 

I wouldnt say theres no hope but I ve been thinking just be honest If you want to try to get them back try the ebooks for about a few weeks Then just try to contact them and if you get resistance then you gotta lay back and wait.

[bluestraps]

It makes people hold out for hope, but by the time you realize it wont work, you already bought it. Its def a scam with some concepts the state to get on with your life and not to hold out hope, but its still designed just to sell. Theres nothing YOU can do to get your ex back, your ex has the control in the situation.

 

Most of these talk about the first days of the breakup and what not to do . How to get through the first few weeks. The rebound relationship, if your ex left you for someone else or is dating again , how to change your physical and emotional state during the split. And how to contact and try to get them to see you again.

 

I wouldnt say theres no hope but I ve been thinking just be honest .If you want to try to get them back try the ebooks for about a few weeks Then just try to contact them and if you get resistance, then you gotta lay back and wait.

 

It really depends on the situation

[bluestraps]

Three situations that make the difference in if you can get back your ex

 

I think the e books work for breakups where the relationship is rather new. Where there is no complex problems. The longer the relationship the more hurt and general anger and resentment for the dumper. And the harder it is for the dumpee.

 

After they cheat will they return ,

 

If they dont feel the same way for you

 

or if you cheated

[red_cloud]

Instead of assuming and wondering, why don't you ask him? Why not be straight up. Say "I'm feeling upset about this and this because of this and I would like to hear why do you think this..." If you keep assuming, all you're doing is going in circles. Why not talk about it? Is he open to talking? Are you NC?

 

I used to assume things but they were just MY opinions. They weren't facts. And you won't know the facts unless you communicate.

 

Well, I kind of tried and I got the same re-iterated response back - we have nothing in common and I don't have time. The nothing in common thing seems to be such a big deal to him but I find moot point - b/c when we first met, we had TONS in common (according to him) and now we don't have anything in common - but I which activities he likes I just dont have the time to learn them now, but if I did.. would that mean that we have things in common again? Hobbies is a definition of friends not relationships and I know that with his ex gf, he broke up with her as well because she felt more like a friend than a lover at the end so I asked why he dated her for several years and he said - we had a lot in common.

 

Anyway, I tried to communicate several times and the above response was all I got in return.

 

We've been LC, so after we broke up, I sent him a quick note saying we that obviously both of us are having issues but I still think he is great as a person, and I would honestly like to re-open the idea of the relationship in a few weeks when everything is more settled. He hasn't replied and since its the holidays I won't be checking my email for almost a week, so that's great b/c I don't want to see his response or lack of.

 

Now I'm gonna go NC, like everyone says for a few weeks. If he contacts me, great. If not... I don't know if he's really worth the effort anymore..

[red_cloud]

Most of these talk about the first days of the breakup and what not to do . How to get through the first few weeks. The rebound relationship, if your ex left you for someone else or is dating again , how to change your physical and emotional state during the split. And how to contact and try to get them to see you again.

 

I wouldnt say theres no hope but I ve been thinking just be honest .If you want to try to get them back try the ebooks for about a few weeks Then just try to contact them and if you get resistance, then you gotta lay back and wait.

 

It really depends on the situation

 

Agreed, there's always hope. There's still a huge chance of failure and its important to be realistic, but a completely negative point of view, the chance of failure is pretty much 100%.

[red_cloud]

Three situations that make the difference in if you can get back your ex

 

I think the e books work for breakups where the relationship is rather new. Where there is no complex problems. The longer the relationship the more hurt and general anger and resentment for the dumper. And the harder it is for the dumpee.

 

After they cheat will they return ,

 

If they dont feel the same way for you

 

or if you cheated

 

That's an interesting point. I always thought it was easier to leave newer relationships b/c there is less history. In a longer one you shared so much there is more motivation to work it out.

 

Its easier to break up than get divorced.

 

Like, if we were married, we'd pretty much solve this right away. But b/c we're just dating and there isn't that much history, there's less motivation to try.

[leap83]

Well, I kind of tried and I got the same re-iterated response back - we have nothing in common and I don't have time. The nothing in common thing seems to be such a big deal to him but I find moot point - b/c when we first met, we had TONS in common (according to him) and now we don't have anything in common - but I which activities he likes I just dont have the time to learn them now, but if I did.. would that mean that we have things in common again? Hobbies is a definition of friends not relationships and I know that with his ex gf, he broke up with her as well because she felt more like a friend than a lover at the end so I asked why he dated her for several years and he said - we had a lot in common.

 

Anyway, I tried to communicate several times and the above response was all I got in return.

 

We've been LC, so after we broke up, I sent him a quick note saying we that obviously both of us are having issues but I still think he is great as a person, and I would honestly like to re-open the idea of the relationship in a few weeks when everything is more settled. He hasn't replied and since its the holidays I won't be checking my email for almost a week, so that's great b/c I don't want to see his response or lack of.

 

Now I'm gonna go NC, like everyone says for a few weeks. If he contacts me, great. If not... I don't know if he's really worth the effort anymore..

 

Since you seem confused about his statement, why didn't you ask him to clarify? Just say something along the lines as "Can you clarify for me what do you mean by saying that we have nothing in common? Do you mean hobbies or do you mean values, beliefs, etc.?"

 

I believe compromise is the best thing in the relationship. Yes. If he'd like you to learn something new, then try to find time to do so. Then when you want HIM to learn something new, he'll remember the time you learned about his hobby and he'll learn about your hobby. Back and forth like that. There seems to be a lack of communication in your relationship. Both of you are being very vague about what you want.

 

I wouldn't suggest going back into a relationship with him until you resolve these issues and both of you are very clear as to what you want. In the end you'll go back to the same old, and break up for the same reason you broke up now.

 

If he's important to you and you really think he's a great person for you, then patience is the most important thing right now. Patience, time and self-reflection/development. Maybe he wasn't happy because you weren't putting any interest into his hobbies. Maybe he wasn't happy because you didn't seem to care. Or maybe he's just in this period of life where he'd like to be single. However, these are ALL guesses and assumptions. You don't know until you openly, honestly and calmly ask. It takes 2 to tango. I'm not saying that you did any of these, but if you really want to go back to him, if I were in your position, I would also look at my behaviour. I made a mistake of not doing that before when I was clearly doing something that would hurt him - and I didn't know until we both calmed down and he told me.

 

So, take a couple of weeks off. Cool your head. Really think about what you want - if you want to go back or not; look at your behaviour and his; etc. Then make a decision how you're going to proceed.

 

And hobbies is not a definition of friends - I would be all for learning something new if my bf was really into something (like white water rafting or rock-climbing, etc). Maybe my view on relationships is different from yours, but I'm a strong believer that the more you have fun in a relationship, the more you learn, the more you grow and the stronger your relationship is.

Edited November 25, 2009 by leap83

[red_cloud]

I totally agree with you on the compromise issue and I don't mind doing it at all. I have looked at my behavior and I'm willing to own up to my shortcomings and take responsibility for changing them.

 

I was raised to be very independent so I've never had an issue of doing things solo or needing my partner to be into the same activities that I am. Like, I like to run, it would be nice if my boyfriend went running with me, but I honestly don't care if he does or doesn't, so when he said I'm off to do x do you want to come, I didn't really think that me not going is a big deal. I don't think that most people do. But apparently to him its a HUGE deal.

 

And I'm okay with that, if its important to him that I do it, then I will.

 

What makes this break up so stupid is that he never said anything for the longest time - he never said it bothers me when you don't want to do x with me. He just said okay. And then.. after a few months of resentment being built up, he was just like - obviously your not really interested in my life and we don't have anything in common. And even after that I was like - okay, I'm sorry I didn't realize. So I did start taking a more active role in his life and he keeps rehashing the same no things in common over and over again and refuses to see how I am trying.

 

I just feel like its so unfair to me because I am SO willing to compromise, but I can't compromise on issues that I don't know exist.. you know? I can't give him what he wants if he doesn't tell me what it is. And its not fair that he's blaming me for everything, when I'm more than willing to put in my 50%.

 

I agree that I can't go into the relationship if these issues aren't resolved. But I really do want to resolve them and just really pray to God that he'll realize and want to do the same thing too.

 

I just wonder if space will help.. or solidify his opinion further. But at this point I just don't know what to do other than get away and maybe try later..

[red_cloud]

 

And hobbies is not a definition of friends - I would be all for learning something new if my bf was really into something (like white water rafting or rock-climbing, etc). Maybe my view on relationships is different from yours, but I'm a strong believer that the more you have fun in a relationship, the more you learn, the more you grow and the stronger your relationship is.

 

I agree with this too - I love learning new things from my bf and picking up some of his interesting hobbies and even doing new things together. It does make the relationship stronger but I think it makes it stronger because its about the interaction and a shared sense of adventure and doing things for each other and just having fun.

 

What bothers me is that it seems like his mentality is that as long as you have things in common the relationship is strong. It doesn't seem like he cares about how you interact inside and outside those things anything else, ts like a checklist - she likes white water rafting +1, she likes camping, +1, she doesn't like beer -1, she has an overall +1, okay, we have enough things in common to be in a relationship. That's not how it works..

[leap83]

I agree with this too - I love learning new things from my bf and picking up some of his interesting hobbies and even doing new things together. It does make the relationship stronger but I think it makes it stronger because its about the interaction and a shared sense of adventure and doing things for each other and just having fun.

 

What bothers me is that it seems like his mentality is that as long as you have things in common the relationship is strong. It doesn't seem like he cares about how you interact inside and outside those things anything else, ts like a checklist - she likes white water rafting +1, she likes camping, +1, she doesn't like beer -1, she has an overall +1, okay, we have enough things in common to be in a relationship. That's not how it works..

If you don't mind me asking, how old is this guy?

 

What makes this break up so stupid is that he never said anything for the longest time - he never said it bothers me when you don't want to do x with me. He just said okay. And then.. after a few months of resentment being built up, he was just like - obviously your not really interested in my life and we don't have anything in common. And even after that I was like - okay, I'm sorry I didn't realize. So I did start taking a more active role in his life and he keeps rehashing the same no things in common over and over again and refuses to see how I am trying.

Lack of communication on his part. This is where you're going to run into trouble (and you already have). However, there is nothing really at this point you can do to change his behaviour. It's up to him to change it. One thing though - if you get back together, have you considered how you are going to resolve this issue? Are you going to call him out on it - ex. he says "want to come with me?" you say "no. I don't have time right now." He says "Okay." You say ".........." What would you tell him to let HIM know how you feel?

 

But I really do want to resolve them and just really pray to God that he'll realize and want to do the same thing too.

Hun, it's a 2 way street. You can't be putting in all of the work, while he just sits and relaxes. You have to do work TOGETHER. Right now, this is very much one sided (the way I see it) and you are willing to compromise but he's not. Some men are just not willing to change. Actually, it is very rare to see someone change their pattern of behaviour. I'd say even women are uncomfortable in changing. Why? Because you're out of your comfort zone. It is something new. You don't know it and thus you don't feel comfortable exploring it. Unless someone is willing to contribute to their own development, there is nothing you can do about it. So until he decides to start looking at his behaviour and stops pointing his finger at you, there's nothing you can do about it. He's playing the "blame game" which in all honesty, does not have place in relationships. It's a load of crap - "He said this"... "She said this..." "He's a moron." "She's a jerk." and it goes in cycles.

 

To be blunt, you can't MAKE him realize, FORCE him to realize until he's READY to realize.

 

If I may ask though, why would you even want to go back to that? He's not going to change in weeks... it takes months/years for change to occur. I would be willing to bet, if he doesn't bend his rules, this will keep cropping up and there's nothing you can do about it. So, why do you like him so much? What do you see in him? He broke up with you for IMO a dumb reason. What guarantees he won't do it again for another dumb reason? See what I mean?

[red_cloud]

Well.. because I love him? Not doing right by me doesn't change my feelings for him as a person. I wish it were that easy, but it is not.

 

It was great to read this and actually the conclusion that I had come to over the weekend anyway. I was talking to a friend who has a very similar personality to him and she made sense of a lot of the situation - how he's playing the blame game, how his ego is involved, how he's being passive aggressive and so on. I happily and willingly admit that I made mistakes, and I'm sorry for them, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to correct those mistakes. But he won't give me a chance, not even a chance.. he won't even listen, which really makes it unfair to me at the end, because like you say, the point is to work together, not work apart and them home that everything fits when you come together.

 

I keep saying that maybe if I just explained it one more time.. if I just phrased things in a different way he'll understand, but alas, my point is made. NC is for me.

 

He's 29 by the way.