... where is the love?

[toofar]

Last month my relationship ended. For the first 2.5 -3 years, sex was great and plentiful - we simply couldn't keep our hands off of each other. I understand this is fairly normal for a young relationship.

 

Then we officially moved in together, and I may be wrong but I pinpoint this as a turning point. I will say that we had previously spent 24/7 with each other anyway - whether at university or back in the parents home. So actually renting our own apartment didn't present a radical change.

 

Our relationship matured and sex became less frequent. I know this is normal. I tried to initiate, but was knocked back time after time. Please dont think this was the be all and end all for me. I didn't force the issue, and tried to woo her..was romantic. We were open and discussed what was happening and she simply did not know why she no longer wanted to be intimate in that way. This was hard to understand for me. She was upset with herself too.

 

There were no problems on the physical attraction side. She would always tell me i was gorgeous. Likewise... she was beautiful to me.

 

Things continued in the same way..and I would blow up in frustration every few months, and she would flip between being upset and angry - but she also was quite dismissive, as if to say 'I dont know why, but its not going to change'. I really don't want to come off as being insensitive. I could see that she was confused, and I wanted to try to rectify the situation.

 

Sex became a once a month affair. We both saw this as abnormal. I learnt to accept thats the way it would be. I never strayed. I love this girl to pieces - and in the end I decided it just wasnt that important to me. I was so happy otherwise. I thought we both were.

 

I'll add that she still wanted lots of kisses and cuddles, and was very affectionate and loving.

 

Anyway, she ended it - and I'm gutted. I've been given no explanation. The hope she will come back is still there.

 

I think she may have left because she feels this is wrong in a young relationship. Has anyone any experience with anything like this? I don't know if anyone knows what happened. Perhaps its common?!> Could this be medical? psychological?

[KM366]

Please don't hate me for asking (and I'm no expert so please don't put too much weight to this) but is there any chance that she could have met someone else? I'm just wondering because it sounds so strange that she would just leave like that with no explanation. It makes me wonder if the reason she left is something she feels guilty about and doesn't want to admit.

[toofar]

it's ok.. I need honest thoughts - despite them being hard to stomach.

 

Unfortunately.. I had no chance to see if that was the case. She dropped the bombshell, then left. Contact has been minimal over the last month, and only initiated by me. She's cold.. heartless. I don't recognise her. I have asked her to explain what switched seemingly overnight. It really was a complete 180.

 

On the phone, I'm shut down. She says.. I just don't care. cold?! on a text she ignores the content of my messages.. and says it's over.

 

So.. it leaves me confused. I stuck by her.. and feel shafted. I have many questions, no answers.

 

There could well be someone else. She has said not.. but then - I simply don't know what's a lie and what's not anymore. It's made me question everything. I can't believe I'm saying these things about her- it's like a breakdown.

Edited November 24, 2009 by toofar

[KM366]

Well if it is someone else then that would explain such a dramatic change of heart. She may be completely cold and not interested now but if she is involved with someone else and that doesn't work out then don't be too surprised if she suddenly pops back up again (and another reason why she might not want you to know).

[kevinconner]

She has to be this way with you. She does love you, but not in a forever kind of way. And to her, the truth as to why she left, this in her opinion is better unsaid to you.

 

In her mind, you are better off not knowing the full answer.

 

Get over it if you can. Better this happen now and not 5 years down the road when children are involved. Then it is not so easy to walk away.

[mem11363]

Read the book "mating in captivity"

 

You emotionally crowd someone, come across as needy and you are baked - cooked - fried - crisped. The book explains this quite well.

 

Last month my relationship ended. For the first 2.5 -3 years, sex was great and plentiful - we simply couldn't keep our hands off of each other. I understand this is fairly normal for a young relationship.

 

Then we officially moved in together, and I may be wrong but I pinpoint this as a turning point. I will say that we had previously spent 24/7 with each other anyway - whether at university or back in the parents home. So actually renting our own apartment didn't present a radical change.

 

Our relationship matured and sex became less frequent. I know this is normal. I tried to initiate, but was knocked back time after time. Please dont think this was the be all and end all for me. I didn't force the issue, and tried to woo her..was romantic. We were open and discussed what was happening and she simply did not know why she no longer wanted to be intimate in that way. This was hard to understand for me. She was upset with herself too.

 

There were no problems on the physical attraction side. She would always tell me i was gorgeous. Likewise... she was beautiful to me.

 

Things continued in the same way..and I would blow up in frustration every few months, and she would flip between being upset and angry - but she also was quite dismissive, as if to say 'I dont know why, but its not going to change'. I really don't want to come off as being insensitive. I could see that she was confused, and I wanted to try to rectify the situation.

 

Sex became a once a month affair. We both saw this as abnormal. I learnt to accept thats the way it would be. I never strayed. I love this girl to pieces - and in the end I decided it just wasnt that important to me. I was so happy otherwise. I thought we both were.

 

I'll add that she still wanted lots of kisses and cuddles, and was very affectionate and loving.

 

Anyway, she ended it - and I'm gutted. I've been given no explanation. The hope she will come back is still there.

 

I think she may have left because she feels this is wrong in a young relationship. Has anyone any experience with anything like this? I don't know if anyone knows what happened. Perhaps its common?!> Could this be medical? psychological?

[toofar]

Thank you for your replies.

 

If she had found someone else, I see what you mean - she would deny it perhaps to leave the door open. From her perspective perhaps the less said the better. But, looking at other people who are being kept as some kind of safety net.. the ex is keeping in contact. The manner that she has gone about this has burnt many bridges. I think she shut the door.

 

She may feel this was the only way she could do this. I do think it's a cruel way. Blowing hot (just prior) and cold just leaves us confused. Her complete dismissal of the situation has created a lot of anger.

 

I have ordered the book, thank you for the recommendation. I was needy at times. Sometimes men need to lean on someone too. If the relationship was baked so to speak.. I suppose it wouldn't tend to leave a possible reconciliation? Of course nobody could see into the future but putting myself in her shoes if this was the case.. she's care and troublefree now - able to do what she wants, when she wants, no questions. Why would you return. Quite a depressing realisation.