Getting your ex back, possible?

[LisaUk]

Hi all,

 

I have gotten to thinking recently, perhaps I am crazy, but my ex left over 8 months ago, I have been NC for about 6 months and I was thinking would it be at all possible now to suggest friendship with the hopes in the long term of reconciliation? I think I am emotionally strong enough now to deal with it if it didn't work out that way, I can live without him, I would just rather not, if the oppurtunity presented itself, I miss him.

 

Maybe I am losing my mind, I don't know? I mean he walked out on me, jilted me after 18 years together, without trying to work on anything first or even telling me there were any problems first. Maybe this is all just b/c we would have been getting married in just over 3 weeks time, but I'm not sure. I have been thinking about him a lot lately and how he treated me before his CP exit! In comparision to another recent experience I have had, he treated me very well, hardly ever complained about me, was always supportive or me and what I was doing, just generally treated me with a lot of respect.

 

Part of me doesn't even want to go there, after the way he left, but then I think if he is CP he couldn't help it? The other part of me wants to see and try if I could reconcile with him somehow? Is that even possible? Has anyone had a sucess through being friends with their ex, where it has become more once again? I'd appreciate your thoughts. Thanks.

[soheartbroken]

Hi Lisa,

 

Perhaps this is the bargaining stage of loss that they all talk about?

 

It's funny, I've always followed your story, but it's just now occurring to me that our exes are somewhat similar. Both were supportive and caring and treated us with respect, and didn't complain about us. But neither tried to bring up problems before they split.

 

Anyway, I totally get where you're coming from. Nothing that our exes did makes us never want to try again.

 

I would suggest giving it a bit more time. It might just be a phase that you're in. And think about the worst case scenario - he may ignore you or tell you that he's seeing someone else.

 

Until I'm emotionally ready for either of those two things, I will never contact my ex. In fact, I plan on not making first contact, ever (unless it's to get those photos that I may eventually want). If she wants to speak with me, she will get in touch with me.

 

Also, I can't remember if your ex saw a therapist/counselor. I would not get back with my ex unless she did some therapy of her own. We cannot make the relationship work alone, no matter how much we've learned and grown - they have to take some responsibility.

[Printer]

Also, I can't remember if your ex saw a therapist/counselor. I would not get back with my ex unless she did some therapy of her own. We cannot make the relationship work alone, no matter how much we've learned and grown - they have to take some responsibility.

 

 

I think this is a really good point. Both parties should consider seperate counselling prior to re committing to any relationship and then couple counselling after reconciliation. You cannot do it on your own as you will soon fall back to your own distructive ways.

It has to be a totally fresh start with professional help.

[HeavenOrHell]

Hi Lisa, I didn't realise you'd been together 18 years, my ex left me after 18 years too, we've been meeting weekly since then (July) but LC the last month. No idea if we can reconcile, but I feel if I go NC then it will push us further apart (he left out of neglect the last 2 years). I wish I could rebuild his trust.

Do you know how he is, or if he single?

Sorry, not sure what CP means?

 

Hi all,

 

I have gotten to thinking recently, perhaps I am crazy, but my ex left over 8 months ago, I have been NC for about 6 months and I was thinking would it be at all possible now to suggest friendship with the hopes in the long term of reconciliation? I think I am emotionally strong enough now to deal with it if it didn't work out that way, I can live without him, I would just rather not, if the oppurtunity presented itself, I miss him.

 

Maybe I am losing my mind, I don't know? I mean he walked out on me, jilted me after 18 years together, without trying to work on anything first or even telling me there were any problems first. Maybe this is all just b/c we would have been getting married in just over 3 weeks time, but I'm not sure. I have been thinking about him a lot lately and how he treated me before his CP exit! In comparision to another recent experience I have had, he treated me very well, hardly ever complained about me, was always supportive or me and what I was doing, just generally treated me with a lot of respect.

 

Part of me doesn't even want to go there, after the way he left, but then I think if he is CP he couldn't help it? The other part of me wants to see and try if I could reconcile with him somehow? Is that even possible? Has anyone had a sucess through being friends with their ex, where it has become more once again? I'd appreciate your thoughts. Thanks.

[MrMayI]

hey lisa. again, so good to see you back on. i tend to go against the grain, as you already know. i say it IS absolutely possible. personally, i think you have to reach a point where the past becomes just that. realize your mistakes, and theirs. make sure that their mistakes are told to you, first hand, without coercion. i'm in the process of just this, i believe. you've seen my thread. i don't know what'll happen, but i do know we are around each other often, we have had no downs yet, and it feels better than it did. i'm taking it how i get it right now. trying not to focus on the future of anything except my DD. keep us posted.

[curiou]

LisaUK,

 

No. Just no!

 

You been NC for six months, and you can't even say for sure whether you'd be strong enough to deal with a (possible) relationship not working out again. You'd be undoing any and all positive gains you've made healing psychologically. And maybe making it worse! Please don't pursue friendship with this man!

 

On cursory review of your post history, you were recently putting up thoughts about suicide! I can't see much good coming of it exploring this territory.

[PWSX3]

Lisa my dear, that is the holiday blues talking in your head......You know I'm one that believes in keeping a marriage together, but he hasn't shown any interests in getting back with you....

 

I really believe at this time if you tried to be "friends" you would get hurt again, it is still to early.......

[soheartbroken]

But it is a totally understandable thought/question, Lisa. It's very hard not to let your mind go that route when, all things considered, we were happy with our partner. The only thing we're not happy about is how it ended, and their actions after it ended.

 

I wonder too, if we could just become friends, then maybe it would go somewhere...just a daydream of mine.

 

I think just give it more time. Maybe write out what you would say to him, what you would propose, but then put it away for now.

 

Do you think he would even believe you at this point that you just wanted to be friends? How would you even approach it with him?

[Gunny376]

There's a reason its called "breaking up" ~ enough said.

[D-Lish]

When it comes to being friends with an ex- don't go there. It's heartache and agony waiting to happen.

 

As much as you'd like to tell yourself you are capable of handling a friendship- it's not realistic.

 

You justify the friendship angle because it's easier to imagine having something- than it is to have nothing. Even if that something is less than what you deserve. That belief system tells me you aren't thinking straight.

 

A man that runs off without explanation after 18 years doesn't deserve to be chased after.

 

You deserve better- the sooner you start believing that, the more you'll push that idea of reaching out to him away.

[2.50 a gallon]

Lisa:

 

PW hit the nail on the head.

 

I don't think lovers can ever back off an become friends. Simple, I do not care who my friends kiss. I do care who my GF kisses. My expectations are that we are going to kiss for many years. I do not share!

 

Your XBF liked to you. My friends do not lie to me.

[HeavenOrHell]

How are you today Lisa?

[GoodDad]

I guess getting back with anyone is possible. It's just a matter of BOTH people wanting that and working towards it.

 

I don't know all your history Lisa, but its a tough one as you have to ask yourself whether you really want that or not even if it becomes an option.

 

I am sure you still have a ton of hurt and resentment for how things went down in your particular situation still to work through.

 

I have found some Ex's I can be friends with after breakups, others I can't and it usually depended on how painful the breakup was. Some things were just too hard to get over the first time to put myself back out there to be hurt again.

 

Either way it goes I wish you the best!

 

GD

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

Yes, Lisa. After 18 years together, it is likely that he is not liking the single life and has found the grass is not greener.

 

There is a chance that he'd crave for the familiar.

 

If you still love him you could work it out. Are you still in contact with him?

 

Good luck.

[LisaUk]

Hi, thanks for all the replies. Mixed bag there, but more positives than I thought there would be, perhaps I am a cynic but I thought all the LSers would say no chance, forget him, he's not interested!

 

He hasn't shown any interest in reconciliation, except for a few comments he made about 2 months after leaving "I'm not as certain in my decision now" "I did love you right until the end and I still do" "this may seem easy for me, like I am being cold, but it isn't, it's hard because (then silence), well it just is", "I may change my mind if I really miss you" and "I do miss you and I think it will get harder before it gets easier, new friends and interests will help".

 

We aren't in contact, but he did say we could be friends in the future, after we have both had some space to move on, but that talking with me in the short term was preventing him from doing so and was too painful.

 

The reason I said I was unsure if I wanted to try is b/c of the way he left me. CP (commitment phobia), I am still convinced this was the problem, he was seeing a counsellor but I found out she is bogus, guess that explains that one! But unless he has dealt with this issue there is no hope anyway. Also, suppose he is not CP, then he has a problem with expressing his unhappiness and conflict resolution, again unless he has addressed this there is nothing I could do. I know I am not blameless in all this, there are things that I did and ways I behaved that I regret deeply, but I am also not a mind reader, and unless he told me, how was I supposed to know?

 

Regardless of all that, I do think I would like to try if he was ever willing, the thoughts of never seeing him again are not pleasant, I miss him and if I can only have him as a friend I can live with that. If he has someone else, again, although that may hurt, I can live with it.

 

Adrienne, I love him, I've loved him since I was 15 years old and I always will, even if we are never together again and I marry someone else, there will always be a part of my heart that loves him. I so wish he would give me and us another chance, I miss him so much.

 

What concerns me is that why I am feeling this way, when I thought I had begun to really let it all go? I'm not sure if it is b/c things with a guy I have been "involved" with have opened my eyes again to just how happy I was with my ex was, or if it is b/c our wedding date is approaching?

 

I'm not sure what to do right now, or even if I should do anything yet?

Edited November 24, 2009 by LisaUk

[soheartbroken]

There is nothing wrong with what you are feeling.

 

But I really would give yourself (and your ex) more time before you approach any possible reconciliation.

 

Remember that grieving a loss is not a linear process. It ebbs and flows. Yes, both events may be contributing to these thoughts of reconciliation you're having.

 

I have these thoughts too, without anything necessarily triggering them.

[Steadfast]

Stop. Just stop.

 

Stop thinking about what he says and focus on what he does, or more importantly, doesn't do. Stop hearing what you *want* to hear and open your ears to what's being said. Open you ears and eyes but guard and protect that heart. If he wanted to be with you he'd be there, with you.

 

Save your love, your hugs and your kisses for someone who deserves them.

[LisaUk]

Well, I woke up crying this morning. That hasn't happened in a really long time. I had such vivid dreams about him last night, it was like he was right here with me in the room. I could even smell his smell, then when I woke, it broke my heart all over again that he wasn't here.

 

Maybe this is all just a huge backslide, b/c the wedding date is approaching and b/c of what happened in the end with the guy I was kind of involved with, things ended badly there, my decision but b/c I just couldn't take the constant complaints and criticism from him anymore. We were arguing more than my ex and I ever did and no matter how I tried to try and work it out nothing I did was good enough. Sometimes the arguments would go on for weeks on end, it was exhausting and I got to the point where I thought this can't be right.

 

Anyway, perhaps that is partly why I am backsliding? After everything my ex did to me I shouldn't want to ever be near him again, he emotionally abused me, gaslighted me, what the h**l is wrong with me that I would want to try and go back to that? Yet I do. This is so hard to express but I guess all this stuff with the other guy has made me feel let down, (I wish I could think of another way of expressing that, b/c it's not quite right), but it's reminded me of how lovely my ex was right up until the end. I had such high hopes for things with this other guy, maybe that was the problem, maybe I expected too much? Is it really too much to expect to be treated with understanding and respect though?

 

Urgh, I don't know, I'm rambling, sorry. I'm just finding it so tough right now, all these thoughts of the guy I have been involved with and now my ex and I have assessed work due in shortly for law school. I woke up with the start of a cold yesterday as well, OMG I can complain LOL! It's just very hard to cope right now, I'm cutting class today to try and get this essay started, so I best go get to it. Sorry for going on and on, I guess I just need to get this out and some support right now.

[tojaz]

 

If he wanted to be with you he'd be there, with you.

 

Save your love, your hugs and your kisses for someone who deserves them.

 

Lis,

I have to agree with Steadfast 110% If I have learned anything above all else in going through this, is that when people truly care for one another, be it family, friends, or loves, the truest of all of those will not abandon you! Thats become number one on my list, I don't have enough to give to people who turn tail and run when things get difficult, and it's not worth me struggling to keep those that do in my life. You can be quoted many times on this board telling others the same.

 

Lets keep him in perspective because you and I have talked extensively about how he treated you, anybody looks good if you keep them on a pedestal, but you bring them down in the dirt with the rest of us, things look a little different.You need only go back through your threads and our PM's together to see that. This is the man that fell asleep in the middle of conversations, made light of your illnesses, thought mostly of himself while you did so much for him! You cleaned the mans shoes for Gods sake, and kept his home! Not to mention he tossed you out of that home when he selfishly walked away, forcing you to live with your parents and go to school to try and make a life for yourself. It dosen't sound like he ever treated you with much respect.

 

With the Holidays approaching and what would have been your wedding, it's undeniable that a backslide would happen. I think this time of year is tearing at us all, I know some recent contact with the ex that i haven't been strong enough to post about has had me ripped to shreds the last month or so, not to mention other dramas in my life. You with school and your homelife etc. it must be twice as hard. Couple that with being involved with this other guy who must have really treated you awful, and theres no way thats not going to hurt.

 

Anyway, perhaps that is partly why I am backsliding? After everything my ex did to me I shouldn't want to ever be near him again, he emotionally abused me, gaslighted me......

 

.....but it's reminded me of how lovely my ex was right up until the end

 

Think long and hard about those two lines for a second. You deserve far better then the first, and I flat out don't believe the second.

TOJAZ

[PWSX3]

Lisa,

First what happened with your b/f was you learning about yourself, learning what you want & don't want in a relationship. You realized you have been down that road & don't want to do it again, good for you.....

 

Having feeling for your ex is normal. Everyone wants to feel loved & you were with him for a long time. Even though he didn't treat you like you should have been you still had someone.

 

Just like the story of the dog that was getting beat, treated badly and once he was free from that situation he would still go back to the home & place that he used to get beat.....

 

Many woman & it also could be men that are in a abusive relationship would rather stay even though it not healthy then to leave what they are comfortable with.

 

I know you are very busy & that doesn't help either, but you need to get a good support system around you, get some woman in your life that you can trust & share your story with so "YOU" can become a stronger person......

 

The new relationship hopefully showed you there are still things you need to work on, that you need to get stronger.....Like Henry Cloud said once in his video; if you get into a relationship you should be mad because that person is interrupting your life....

We need to be at that place like Gunny that we don't need someone in our lives, but we want someone in our lives to share it with us.....

 

I really feel for you, I know it's hard & you are in my prayers....

Make sure on your anniversary date to go do something special for you. Have a party, be happy you aren't in that bad relationship anymore & your new life has begun.

 

HUGS

[hopesndreams]

Did this new guy help get the ex out of your mind and now that it's over it brings the ex back to your thoughts? If that is so, just think of the possibilities when you do meet that special someone the ex will be so history. I was seeing someone for a month or so knowing deep down he was not the one but it was a welcome distraction and after it ended, it brought my ex back into my head and am finding it difficult to boot him out. But, if I wait it out, and hold out for the right guy he will take the place of the ex.

 

We are loving people and want to be loved. We're having a tough time because we have never been single, we've always had someone by our side, we've always been part of a team.

 

Anyways, these are my thoughts on this dreary Tuesday morning. The holidays coming up DO NOT HELP!!!

[hopesndreams]

Whooooooops, it's Wednesday!!!!

[LisaUk]

I just want him back. He had his faults sure, but who doesn't? I don't think I want to go on anymore, life will never be happy again, I've tried, I've worked on trying to make it better, but it isn't and it never will be, b/c the one thing I wanted was ripped from me and that was to grow old with my love.

 

So what to do? Keep plodding along, for what? It's all meaningless without him.

[tojaz]

I just want him back. He had his faults sure, but who doesn't? I don't think I want to go on anymore, life will never be happy again, I've tried, I've worked on trying to make it better, but it isn't and it never will be, b/c the one thing I wanted was ripped from me and that was to grow old with my love.

 

So what to do? Keep plodding along, for what? It's all meaningless without him.

 

Lisa, your scaring me!! If your still out there, drop me a PM! Please!!

[LisaUk]

Yeah, I'm pretty scared about me right now too.

 

This morning on the way to uni, there was a suicide on the line and amongst other thoughts, I actually thought, that should have been me.

 

Don't worry, I'm not going to off myself just yet, but it is hard to hang on. I'm so lonely, I hate my degree, it's so mind numbingly boring and they just keep chucking the work at us, more and more and more, I can't take it anymore, I have five tutorials next week, each requiring five hours prep and an assessed essay due in which I haven't even started yet. On top off that I have functions I have to attend. I don't even get a Christmas break, two more essays due stright after and two mock exams, plus a weeks work experience and somewhere admist all this I have to get driving practice in b/c I have my driving test looming and I can't afford to keep taking lessons, law is so expensive (books, functions, suits, dresses for the functions, clothes for work expereince, LPC applications, training contract interviews, it never ends).

 

No one wants to talk about how I feel anymore, I am just expected to "get over it, it's been 8 months". LS is the only place I can let this out.

 

I just want my da*m life back, I just want him back, I was so b*****y happy and he was too, I KNOW he was, he is just sacred, scared to commit, to marry, this is all so pointless and I have no reason, not one to go on.