Getting your ex back, possible?

[tojaz]

Lisa, I want to talk about how you feel. I'm here if you need me. Please talk to me, I don't like the suicide talk even if you say it's nothing to worry about.

[LisaUk]

I have to go right now. Like I said though, not going to act on my thoughts.

[JLoves]

Sorry to hear you are down in the dumps.. I know it's hard.

 

You need to look at the positives in your life.. Even though it's dull, you are going and doing things rather than sitting at home and moping. Whats better? Being bored stupid and crying all the time or being busy.

 

Remember there is light at the end of the tunnel, and you know how long that tunnel is. You'll finish your studying and walk out into the world with a piece of paper which is your ticket to a better future. Your working on making that future happen. You are doing it for *you*.. No one else.

 

I want my life back too, but I have to deal with life as it is now.

 

I have to assume that W isn't going to come back anytime soon. The decision is out of my hands and I have no control over it. It isn't going to happen until W wants it to happen. Unfortunately its as simple (and painful) as that.

 

Until that happens, life must go on, kids need feeding/clothing,etc. Day by Day, Week by Week.

 

Oh, and about that light.. Please make sure it's not one coming speeding toward you. It's not worth it.

 

(crikey, I'm full of power quotes today)

[soheartbroken]

Hi Lisa.

 

8 months is nothing, although it feels like a lifetime when it's spent in emotional turmoil. You spent so long together, it's just going to take time! You're still incredibly young.

 

What you're going through is completely normal, that is, questioning the meaning of all of this. These types of crises drive us to question life and find meaning in it. I'm struggling with it right now. I have no direction, don't know where I want to go with my life.

 

You're grieving, and that's completely okay. It's okay to be sad. You've had 33 years of life where you weren't heartbroken like this, and now is the time to experience some of the darker emotions that life has to offer. But from experiencing these darker emotions you will get stronger. I guarantee you have already gained in compassion and empathy.

 

Finally, I don't expect you to "get over it" in 8 months, or a year, or however long. You've basically experienced a death, but worse in some respects. Don't put pressure on yourself to be "over it" either. You can't rush these things. Do you want to bottle up these emotions and have them come back to bite you in the end? Better to release it all now, even if it takes time. F**k all the people who don't understand. Berating yourself and being ashamed for still feeling down only adds to the pain.

 

Keep doing what you're doing, and just recognize that it will take more time.

 

Hang in there. I always have my eye out for your posts.

[Gunny376]

Back in the day? When I was on my first enlistment in the Corps I was a pretty hard charging Corporal.

 

And I know your going to find this hard if not difficult to believe? But I must admit I had a bit of a temper.

 

Anyway, one day a Staff Sergeant seriously PMFO! I went ballistic! Lets see if I can remember all of the charges?

 

Abandoning assigned post

 

Assault and battery on a Staff Non-commissioned officer

 

Unauthorized absence.

 

Failure to yield to a stop sign

 

Destruction of government property

 

Endangerment of government funds

 

Failure to yield to an MP (Military Policeman)

 

Reckless driving (I crashed the gate doing 98! )

 

Failure to yield to a stop sign

 

Speeding

 

Driving while revoked (I refused to that a field sobriety test or breathalyzer)

 

Conduct unbecoming of a Marine.

 

Assault on an MP, ( It was like "Smokey And the Bandit" he had to hit the ditch to keep from getting hit.)

 

Got arrested by the South Carolina State Patrol, Beaufort County Sheriff's Department, Port Royal and Beaufort, South Carolina Police Department.

 

The MP's sent out an all points bulletin on me to apprehend me at all cost and to presume armed and dangerous ~ and I guess generally crazy! (Did I mentioned that I was serously PO? )

 

Anyway they took me before "tha' man" and he ordered a psych eval.

 

The psych said I had a "failure to adapt to military life" ~ (you think? )

 

I thought about it and called and told my old man that I was coming home.

 

He asked me? "When are you going to quit running away from yourself?"

 

I requested to see that Company Commander ~ something called "Captain's Mast.

 

I told him ~

 

"I don't care if your bust me down to Private and never ever promote me above that rank. I don't care if you work me eighteen hours a day, seven days a week for the rest of my enlistment. I don't care if you give me the dirtiest jobs there are around. I signed on to be a man and to do a man's job. And as God as my witness I mean to finish this if its the last thing I ever do!"

 

My point is we all have out defining moments in life, and yes you just as I are going to have more than one.

 

And they often come when we're at our lowest.

 

Back then if you asked anyone what my chances were of completing my first enlistment all bets would have been that I wouldn't make it until the next day.

 

The command dropped the charges and not only did I complete my first enlistment? I got promoted to Sergeant. (The command reigned in the "Attila the Hun" Staff Sergeant who admitted he had gone over and above)

 

Of course for the next three years every time the First Sergeant needed an extra hand painting his house, re-roofing his house, or babysitting his bratty kids? Guess who was the duty-booty.

 

Yea that would of been ~ me!

 

My point is that your going through a tough stretch right now ~ but what your going through is what's makes you become the person that you were meant to become ~ a little something called Life?

 

To become so focused on the present is to miss out on LisaUK v. 2020 or v. 2025 or even v. 2040? (v = Version)

 

Gunny376 v. 1977 was and doesn't come close to who and what I am now? But I could have never gotten there without him.

 

I was young, dumb and just plain ignorant about a lot of things. When I got married, I seriously didn't have a clue as to what being married was all about? I didn't know a lot of things about how to make a marriage work, (and still don't ~ that's why I keep on studying on the subject)

 

I didn't realize it at the time? And didn't even appreciate it at the time when I retired from the Corps?

 

But doing twenty years + in the Marines was the smartest thing this poor old country boy ever did.

 

I've sat many a day in my chair thinking ~ "Thank God! I'm not married to that wench anymore! Thank God I got pass that! Thank God, my children are grown, self supporting and on their own! Thank God I did my twenty in the Corps! Thank God I did it and thank God its over with!"

 

You keep slugging away through the boredom, the monotony of it all.

 

Semper Fidelis (Latin for "Always Faithfull")

 

Gunny

 

And its going to pay off in "Spades" (Ref: Card game called Spades) for you!

[DenverBachelor]

Anyway, one day a Staff Sergeant seriously PMFO! I went ballistic! Lets see if I can remember all of the charges?

 

Abandoning assigned post

 

Assault and battery on a Staff Non-commissioned officer

 

Unauthorized absence.

 

Failure to yield to a stop sign

 

Destruction of government property

 

Endangerment of government funds

 

Failure to yield to an MP (Military Policeman)

 

Reckless driving (I crashed the gate doing 98! )

 

Failure to yield to a stop sign

 

Speeding

 

Driving while revoked (I refused to that a field sobriety test or breathalyzer)

 

Conduct unbecoming of a Marine.

 

Assault on an MP, ( It was like "Smokey And the Bandit" he had to hit the ditch to keep from getting hit.)

 

 

... and how many article 15's did you get for this? LOL!

[Gunny376]

... and how many article 15's did you get for this? LOL!

 

 

Got off Scott Free~ although I ended up scrapping and painting the First Seragents & CO's house along with re-roofing his and the Captians house!

 

What a dumb=@zz I was back in the day?

[Gunny376]

Article 15"s? They were blowing off dust from articles from the Colonial Army to charge me with!

[LisaUk]

Thanks Gunny, but right now I don't see the me in ten years being any happier than the me now. I truely do not beleive that this will EVER get any better, I don't think I will ever be able to get over this, it's going to haunt me for the rest of my days. Right now, life has no joy, it just feels like it will be a never ending slog, do I really want to carry on? Just feeling like a never ending slog of misery and pain? Like I said, I'm not going to act on my suicidal thoughts, but I am having them and I do need to express how I feel, LS is the only place where I can do that.

 

SHB, thanks, what you said makes a lot of sense. I wish I didn't have to keep my feelings to myself, pretend I am OK and cry behind closed doors, but unfortunately everyone in my life wants me to be over it, expects me to be over it and doesn't want to hear it when I say I am struggling. Thank goodness for all you here on LS, I don't know what I would do without you.

[hopesndreams]

I do think at times that my last breath will be my happiest. Suicide is not an option for me and it sure ain't yours, no matter how bad you are feeling. You are a thinking person. When you stop thinking, and start obsessing about death and how that will solve all your problems, then you know, or rather, you don't know, you are in deep trouble. By then, it's too late and you would have done the deed. Nothing but a dirt sandwich after that.

 

You are in your early 30's, yes? How many times have you heard you are still young and have your whole life ahead of you eh? Tis true, tis true.

 

You have tons to do with school, meeting new people and it can be overwhelming. You need to take a half day, to reflect, give yourself a pep speech and then continue on girl! Do not think about him. He isn't God. He's just flesh n blood and full of sh*te.

[curiou]

LisaUK,

 

If you haven't done so already, I would consider using something like antidepressants, psychotherapy, and/or religion as a crux to help you get through this. Sure, some people recover from the devastation slowly without the extras, but from reading your posts you are REALLY hung up on this guy. It's not your fault. You guys were together a long time. I think you probably put your relationship on some sort of lofty pedestal, and your boyfriend up there too, and given the duration of your relationship, no wonder you're feeling the way you are. Your very existence changed on some fundamental level, the neural connections in your brain were so used to him. So yes, it's understandable.

 

I think sometimes you have to go through the motions of being happy. Like going through the motions of going out, hanging with your classmates at study sessions, riding your bike. Kind of like me taking my wife to New Moon. No, I wasn't happy about it, but that kind of crap makes her happy, and in the end, we had a great time. I think sometimes you have to live it before your mind believes it.

 

A personal question, and you don't have to answer, but have you had any physical intimacy with anyone since the breakup? Sex? I found that was one of the things that helped me the most after my ex-wife's affair. Sex with other people, good lovers who made me feel better about myself and helped to get rid of the stupid notion that my ex-wife and my relationship was somehow "holy" and "different" than others.

[HeavenOrHell]

I can really empathise Lisa, there was a suicide on the line last week and I got tearful thinking lucky bastard, poor bastard, lucky bastard, poor bastard, I was on a train when I heard about it and I felt so envious that they were free of all the pain now.

18 years for me too, half our lifetime, people say I will find someone else but I am not interested, repulses me.

I noticed with my friends that they were there for me for a month and after that I've been left to it pretty much, even though they said you can't put a clock on grief, they sure as hell did.

Have never felt so alone in all my life.

 

 

Yeah, I'm pretty scared about me right now too.

 

This morning on the way to uni, there was a suicide on the line and amongst other thoughts, I actually thought, that should have been me.

 

Don't worry, I'm not going to off myself just yet, but it is hard to hang on. I'm so lonely, I hate my degree, it's so mind numbingly boring and they just keep chucking the work at us, more and more and more, I can't take it anymore, I have five tutorials next week, each requiring five hours prep and an assessed essay due in which I haven't even started yet. On top off that I have functions I have to attend. I don't even get a Christmas break, two more essays due stright after and two mock exams, plus a weeks work experience and somewhere admist all this I have to get driving practice in b/c I have my driving test looming and I can't afford to keep taking lessons, law is so expensive (books, functions, suits, dresses for the functions, clothes for work expereince, LPC applications, training contract interviews, it never ends).

 

No one wants to talk about how I feel anymore, I am just expected to "get over it, it's been 8 months". LS is the only place I can let this out.

 

I just want my da*m life back, I just want him back, I was so b*****y happy and he was too, I KNOW he was, he is just sacred, scared to commit, to marry, this is all so pointless and I have no reason, not one to go on.

[HeavenOrHell]

I could have written this post hun.

I'm totally in the same boat.

 

 

Thanks Gunny, but right now I don't see the me in ten years being any happier than the me now. I truely do not beleive that this will EVER get any better, I don't think I will ever be able to get over this, it's going to haunt me for the rest of my days. Right now, life has no joy, it just feels like it will be a never ending slog, do I really want to carry on? Just feeling like a never ending slog of misery and pain? Like I said, I'm not going to act on my suicidal thoughts, but I am having them and I do need to express how I feel, LS is the only place where I can do that.

 

SHB, thanks, what you said makes a lot of sense. I wish I didn't have to keep my feelings to myself, pretend I am OK and cry behind closed doors, but unfortunately everyone in my life wants me to be over it, expects me to be over it and doesn't want to hear it when I say I am struggling. Thank goodness for all you here on LS, I don't know what I would do without you.

[2.50 a gallon]

Lisa

 

More than once I was in your shoes. And I am not just talking about the break up of my marriage. There was also my panic attacks and the fiance breaking up with me. My panic attacks did not last for hours, they lasted for weeks, and even months. When she left there was no one to rub my back and help me get some sleep. I hated my job, there was no answer for my panic attacks, it was beyond hopeless, there was no future. The only time I found any relief was when I was driving my race car. At eight months I still had over a year to go before I would find the answer to my panic attacks.

 

Listen to PW when he says a lot of your backsliding is from the on coming holidays. For those without a SO this is the hardest time of the year. Those without, only concentrate on the joy and happiness of the happy couples out shopping, They and the whole world over looks, those that are in your shoes.

 

Trust me there is a better day in your future. I have said this to you before, you are too close to see the changes that you have made. But your LS friends can see them. I noticed your post to H&D's thread, you are growing, you just can't see it

 

For now concentrate on you studies no matter how boring it seems, as it will help you keep your mind from wandering. And if it does wander try to concentrate how you plan on being much more happier next year. 2010 is just a little more than a month away.

 

Believe! And even if you don't believe it will still happen

 

Will PM you shortly

 

Your friend Gallon

Edited November 28, 2009 by 2.50 a gallon

[soheartbroken]

Hi Lisa. I've also had a really s*itty past couple of days (just started a thread in the "coping" forum called something like "Hopeless thoughts"). I'm going through what you're going through too. Like HoH said, I could have written your thoughts. I'm also not suicidal but I wonder what the point is to all of this, and my future looks bleak to me. You're not alone is what I'm trying to say.

 

I know you already have lots of LS support, especially from Tojaz, and I also know that you're super busy, but you can always PM me. I will NEVER criticize you for still feeling down and depressed. I do believe that you have to tolerate some of these feelings in order to come out on the other side. There is no quick fix. Even throwing yourself into something extremely distracting is not going to make this go away. In fact, there is something to be said for allowing yourself the time to grieve.

 

Please continue to update us, or if you feel judged by posting, then you can rant to me (or anyone else you know) in a PM.

[Gunny376]

Alot of people such as me? Who have gone through what your going trough ~ and come out the otherside of this mess. Will tell you that its much like dragging a dead horse and saddle around with you everywhere you go?

 

Of course you know this without us telling you. But you continue to do so ~ and I know, I know.

 

Folks were telling me the same thing back when I was going through it.

 

And it being the holiday season doesn't make it any easier. It took me ninety forevers to get it through my deluxe brain housing group that all they (the holiday's) really were just another day in a month that ended in 'r'

 

And that's really all they are! (I know folks, cut me some slack ~ I still say Merry Christmas ~ not Happy Holidays)

 

Your under a lot of stress right now, and you've a full plate what with the homefront, school, classes, deadlines, papers to write.

 

But I challenge you? Do you really miss the X that used and abused you as he did ~ or are you just longing for a smilier time ~ a time when you weren't so stressed about your life in general.

 

A quiter time, a simplier time? You know the answer. Its within you, and you've known it all along Lisa.

 

Your stronger than you give yourself credit for ~ and you can and will do the right thing that is right for you. The way ahead is forward ~ not backward.

 

There's no sense in covering real estate you've already covered.

 

Whatever dosen't kill you only serves to make you stronger. Pain is weakness leaving the body.

 

You've already proven to yourself that you can live without him, that you can breath without him. Your well on your way to becoming self supporting wihtout him.

 

But somewhere along the way you got it in your head that he was the best and only that you could do?

 

Newsflash ~ he's not!

 

He's not only the best and only one you can do? He doesn't deserve you!

 

Your smart, intellegent, educated (BTW SHB I hope your hearing this as well) and have a lot going for. You've just not being walking around the planet long enough to appreciate it!

 

Of course your going to be in a better place ten years from now! You can't see it right now, but your going to have to work at it. Your going to have to let go of a lot of preconceived notions ~ things that you were taught from an early age?

 

But the bottom line is? Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be!

 

People come and people go ~ ain't no one monkey that makes a show!

 

I'm responsible for my happiness ~ me, myself and I. Not someone else ~ not to say it didn't take myself many a year to get there.

 

I'm trying to shave off twenty years of hard earned experience from your experience. And I'm telling you!

 

Live your life for yourself ~ not someone else!

 

Not your parents!

 

Not your children!

 

But for yourself!

 

The time to get real about your life is right here and right now!

 

Independent of your parents, your siblingings, your X's!

 

The time to get real about your life is right here and now!

 

Get busy living ~ or get busy dying!

 

An X dumps you?

 

All that means is you've got to go and find yourself someone else.

 

But this time?

 

Your smarter and wiser!

 

You've got a clearer and prettier picture as to what you don't WANT and what you NEED!

[LisaUk]

Thank you for all the support, it means so much. I have to go write an essay this weekend, but I will reply here and to everyones PM's as soon as I can.

 

Lisa

[broken hearted]

When you stop thinking, and start obsessing about death and how that will solve all your problems, then you know, or rather, you don't know, you are in deep trouble. By then, it's too late and you would have done the deed. Nothing but a dirt sandwich after that.

 

This is not true! When one decided to commit suicide, it's when they are less depressed and seem like they are getting better. Suicide is not attempted or acheived when the person is in the deepest part of the black hole and thinking about death. Suicide is achieved after the person has begun climbing out of the black hole and is on their way to a happier place. The theory in this is that when the person is so far depressed and so deep in the hole that they don't have the strength or courage to actually commit suicide but when they began to feel better and gain strength is when it happens.

 

I know this from studying psychology in college as well as from my brother's suicide a couple months ago. He was depressed for years and years, very depressed at times. When he actually committed suicide, he was happier than he had ever been and had more going for him than he had ever had.

 

Though I would never commit suicide and put so many people in so much pain, I am somewhat scared for when I do begin to climb out of this hole that I've been in for months on end.

[hopesndreams]

Whether someone is in the deepest darkest pit obsessing about death or whether they are cheery and by all appearances seem happy, they are still obsessing about death. I don't claim to know when the moment happens that they decide to actually go through with it. Most do plan it though. They get their house in order. The people left behind have to deal with the guilt of whether or not they could have done something to stop it from happening.

[LisaUk]

LisaUK,

 

If you haven't done so already, I would consider using something like antidepressants, psychotherapy, and/or religion as a crux to help you get through this. I am STILL on a wait list here in the UK for counselling, is our wonderful National Health Service that someone in my position has been waiting for 8 months! I had faith, I lost it when he left, if God exisits he would not let me suffer this pain.

 

I think sometimes you have to go through the motions of being happy. Like going through the motions of going out, hanging with your classmates at study sessions, riding your bike. Kind of like me taking my wife to New Moon. No, I wasn't happy about it, but that kind of crap makes her happy, and in the end, we had a great time. I think sometimes you have to live it before your mind believes it.Doing this, going out regularly pubbing, clubbing, study sessions in the libary etc.

 

A personal question, and you don't have to answer, but have you had any physical intimacy with anyone since the breakup? Sex? I found that was one of the things that helped me the most after my ex-wife's affair. Sex with other people, good lovers who made me feel better about myself and helped to get rid of the stupid notion that my ex-wife and my relationship was somehow "holy" and "different" than others.Nope, b/c I have only ever had sex with one person and that was my ex finace, I'm an old fashioned girl, is the way I am built. I have only ever slept with the love of my life and will not degrade myself by sleeping with someone whom I do not love.[/QUOTE]

 

Hi Lisa. I've also had a really s*itty past couple of days (just started a thread in the "coping" forum called something like "Hopeless thoughts"). I'm going through what you're going through too. Like HoH said, I could have written your thoughts. I'm also not suicidal but I wonder what the point is to all of this, and my future looks bleak to me. You're not alone is what I'm trying to say.

 

I know you already have lots of LS support, especially from Tojaz, and I also know that you're super busy, but you can always PM me. I will NEVER criticize you for still feeling down and depressed. I do believe that you have to tolerate some of these feelings in order to come out on the other side. There is no quick fix. Even throwing yourself into something extremely distracting is not going to make this go away. In fact, there is something to be said for allowing yourself the time to grieve.

 

Please continue to update us, or if you feel judged by posting, then you can rant to me (or anyone else you know) in a PM.

Thanks SHB, that means so much.

 

But I challenge you? Do you really miss the X that used and abused you as he did ~ or are you just longing for a smilier time ~ a time when you weren't so stressed about your life in general.

 

A quiter time, a simplier time? You know the answer. Its within you, and you've known it all along Lisa.

 

There is an element of that Gunny I am sure. I do miss my life, I do miss being happy and having my own home and seeing my friends, who now live 200 miles away. I miss them.

 

I miss getting up on a weekend and eating bacon sandwiches on the sofa with my ex, then going out somewhere, shopping or to the park, or beach for a walk, getting a take out Saturday night and watching a dvd together.

 

I miss all of it, so that is part of it, but I don't think he used and abused me, that is where the problem comes in, all the stuff that happened with the guy I was involved with just reminded me of how well my ex treated me and once I started thinking of that, I started to miss him, from there I started to think of ways to try and reconcile and now I am backsliding. Combined with Christmas and the fact that I should have been getting married to him on December 18th, urgh.

 

I know he treated me badly in the end, but I loved him for 18 years, he can't have treated me badly all that time, else I wouldn't have stayed with him. He wasn't perfect, no one is and I don't have him on a pedestal, but I loved him, still do.

[curiou]

LisaUK,

 

Our health care system has its problems too! That sucks.

 

About the sex thing, I see what you're saying and respect how you feel about it. But that's exactly my point. You're holding your past relationship so "sacred" in your mind and the sex is just an expression of that sanctity, that it's making it difficult for you to move on. The whole pedestal thing. All I will say is, there are many women and men out there who can enjoy mutually satisfying sex in uncommitted relationships and they aren't degrading themselves, in their own opinion. Perhaps not in yours. But, forget the whole sex thing. It sounds like that's not an option for you. We won't even visit that anymore.

[Gunny376]

Time heals all wounds.

 

But time can be a mother-trucker ~ I'm here to tell you!

 

In so many ways? Your so far ahead of the game! (Not that life is a game!)

 

You've got so much going for you!

 

Life is hard no matter who you are!

 

Granted you've had a lot handed to you.

 

Granted you've had a lot dished out to you.

 

But you still have your youth.

 

And you are still very much still in your youth!

 

You still have so much to contribute ~ to give ~ to teach others.

 

Fifty years from now?

 

You can pass on to your grandchrildren the knowledge that togaz, chromebarricuda and yes even Gunny376 passed on to you!

[trippi1432]

Time heals all wounds.

 

But time can be a mother-trucker ~ I'm here to tell you!

 

In so many ways? Your so far ahead of the game! (Not that life is a game!)

 

You've got so much going for you!

 

Life is hard no matter who you are!

 

Granted you've had a lot handed to you.

 

Granted you've had a lot dished out to you.

 

But you still have your youth.

 

And you are still very much still in your youth!

 

You still have so much to contribute ~ to give ~ to teach others.

 

Fifty years from now?

 

You can pass on to your grandchrildren the knowledge that togaz, chromebarricuda and yes even Gunny376 passed on to you!

 

I'm sorry....I have to agree with Gunny here, you are so far ahead of the game...you just have no idea. Keep busting your A&&, because you will respect yourself a lot more later on than anyone else ever will.

[LisaUk]

When will this get better?

 

I want to contact him constantly at the moment, tell him I miss him. Did I cause this? Did I drive him away? Was I such a bad person that he hwas miserable and had to leave?

 

I am sliding into the abyss here and what makes it worse is there was a friend who helped a lot, that I has made it clear they cannot help me anymore (too complicated to go into), partly my fault, they really helped me to get things in perspective particularly when I am beating myself up, however, I think they thought I used them when I was down, not the case, but now I cannot talk to them about any of this anymore. Is this it? Is this my life? I don't want to feel like this anymore, (please no one come back and tell me this is my choice to feel this way, if it were that easy no one would be on here), when will this s**t end?

[hurting_in_nw]

One thing that helped me was resolving myself to the fact that there were a lot of questions I wasn't ever going to get answers to.