Getting your ex back, possible?

[soheartbroken]

Oh man. Losing a friend during a time like this is always killer Lisa. I really feel for you. But we're still here for you! Although I know it's not the same.

 

Like MMI says, there's no answer. It's going to be bad for awhile, but I don't think forever.

[soheartbroken]

Just want to say again, how I understand the blow suffered when you lose a friend over something like this (even if it's only temporary because the friend needs space). It brings up feelings of rejection all over again, and can make you feel bad for "still" feeling this way. When in truth these breakups can take years to actually recover from, especially when you face it head-on, without dating someone new, without medication or alcohol or drugs etc. I'm really sorry that this happened to you.

 

My response from Broken's thread: you'll never get a straight answer, or maybe only many years from now, if you speak with him again.

 

I didn't get an answer either. Fact is, her feelings changed. Period. End of story. There's no going back when that happens, so I didn't press her. I know I messed up big time. I only hope to get a second chance in life.

 

Lisa, you're so young. It's going to take time to recover, but you will recover. Now, if only I could convince myself of this!

[tojaz]

When will this get better?

 

I want to contact him constantly at the moment, tell him I miss him. Did I cause this? Did I drive him away? Was I such a bad person that he hwas miserable and had to leave?

 

Lisa, how can you think you caused this? What did you do? Why try so hard to blame yourself for what he has done?

 

I know your story Lis. I see nothing that would drive anyone away. Relationships while on the surface are about the couple, the strength lies in the individuals. If your comfortable with yourself, and are true to yourself, then you give the best to the relationship. It has a steady foundation. You have to be free to express whats on your mind and in your heart with the comfort of knowing it's safe to do so without constantly feeling like the relationship hung in the balance. Even if the other didn't feel quite the same way. In other words it had to be safe to not be perfect!

 

HI SHB

I suffer with low self esteem, but then like the counsellor said in the assesments I don't like upsetting people, I have to be perfect b/c of my upbringing (I was/am never allowed to make a mistake and was punished harshly if I did), so from that point of view, I have to be perfect in a relationship. If I have to be perfect and please, how can I have been bad or not what he wanted for him to leave?

 

In your tale, I see that you try very hard to be perfect! Sometimes sacrificing yourself to be that. He was demanding! He didn't ask you how you would like it to be, he told you how it was going to be! One example, he wanted a family. You have a medical condition that would make that dangerous, did he respect that, No and you were willing to take on that risk. Even now that he is gone, your still trying to be perfect for him by releasing him from blame and putting it on yourself. Your trying to be perfect by defining him as perfect, and as long as you continue to do that, its going to be very hard to move on, and even harder for anyone else to measure up. He loved you for your potential, what he thought he could make you into, you need to find someone who can love you for who you are. Perfectly imperfect, just like all of us.

 

TOJAZ

Edited December 3, 2009 by tojaz
QUIT BEATING YOURSELF UP!!!

[LisaUk]

Just want to say again, how I understand the blow suffered when you lose a friend over something like this (even if it's only temporary because the friend needs space). It brings up feelings of rejection all over again, and can make you feel bad for "still" feeling this way. When in truth these breakups can take years to actually recover from, especially when you face it head-on, without dating someone new, without medication or alcohol or drugs etc. I'm really sorry that this happened to you.

 

My response from Broken's thread: you'll never get a straight answer, or maybe only many years from now, if you speak with him again.

 

I didn't get an answer either. Fact is, her feelings changed. Period. End of story. There's no going back when that happens, so I didn't press her. I know I messed up big time. I only hope to get a second chance in life.

 

Lisa, you're so young. It's going to take time to recover, but you will recover. Now, if only I could convince myself of this!

 

Hi SHB

 

Thanks for the kind words re the friend. Unfortunately it's not temporary, I actually recieved an emotionally abusive message form them last night, they seem as if they want to think the very worst of me, went so far as to call me a user, that really hurt. It seems they only hear what they want to hear and focus in on certain words, blinkered, maybe, by their own issues.

 

I actually met this person here on LS, I became involved with them, I guess you could call it an emotional affair (for want of a better description), I guess I only have myself to blame, why did I trust when I was so vulnerable? I'm sure they have their own version of what's happened, two sides and all that, all I know is I have been extremely hurt by the whole experience.

 

I am hoping I will be able to stay on LS, I really need all the support, espically right now, I have suicdal thoughts on a daily basis. I really hope this person will respect me and allow me to stay here by not revealing themself and staying well away form me, but if not, I guess I will just have to leave and try and get by on my own.

 

I wish this whole expereince had never happened, I have shed many a tear over it, having to cope and deal with being accused of the most dreadful things, a user, an abuser, only in it for what I get out of it, not capable of giving, deliberately hurting someone, being told they give and give and I just take for my own selfish ends not giving in return and not capable of considering anyone elses feelings, all things they have said to me. I even got blasted for saying on here that these dreadful things that were said to me had brought up my feelings for my ex again. They said it was offensive to them b/c my ex was a s**t. How can that be, I obviously loved my ex or I would not have been with him.

 

Even writing all this out on the public board, I am sure will cause some sort of thoughts on their part that I am trying to get at them. I am not, I am writing this out b/c I need help and support desberately right now and the only way I can hope to recive that from you guys is by telling you all what has happened, and how stupid I have been to allow myself to get involved too quickly after my ex and with someone who I could not possibly really have known as I have never met them.

[soheartbroken]

Wow. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It's too bad that a resource that you found (LS) has ended up hurting you even more.

 

Is it emotional abuse or just someone getting a whole load of their chest? It sounds like a fight between two close parties. But anyway, I don't want to incite debate about it, as I suspect that the other LSer will be reading this.

 

Feel free to keep coming to LS for support.

[LisaUk]

Hi SHB

 

Thanks for your support. I wouldn't call it emotional abuse, he just hears what he thinks he hears is all, as much as I have tried to explain myself to him he refuses to beleive me, I think maybe his issues from his ex wife makes him view people as using him and not returning his care, but I didn't and I did!

 

Anyway, like you say he will probably read this and I don't want to cause him any pain, I just wanted to post this so you guys know what I am talking about when I post about the other guy and how it has sent me into a backslide. When someone new is one minute telling you to be yourself then the next criticising you and saying you are a terrible person, that hurts given your ex has walked and I am blaming myself for that already, then I descended into a backslide over my ex. I guess I am just a worthless, selfish person then, that deserves to be treated this way and alone.

[LisaUk]

Someone who has come out the other side of all this please tell me that this pain is not going to last forever, I really don't want to go on right now, (no one worry please, won't do anything to hurt myself), just the thought of having to feel like this for the the rest of my life. I know it's gotten better since it first happened, but it still hurts and I don't know how much more I can take.

 

I loved this man like he was a part of me and yet he has walked away at the height of our relationship (arranging our wedding), I was completely blindsided, he even lied outright to me (admitted it) to fool me into thinking he was happy and nothing was wrong, anyway, he has walked away and couldn't care less. He isn't sat crying 9 months later, how can he wipe out all that history, all those feelings of love so easily? How does he not have memories at every turn, why does he not have nightmares about this, why does he not even have any guilt for making me homeless? WHen will I stop caring about what he thinks or doesn't think? I don't think I can keep doing this, living like this and yet I am unable to switch this off (please do not tell me it is a choice, if it was no one would be on LS), I WANT THIS TO STOP D**M IT!!! I WANT IT TO STOP!! I feel like I am on the edge, when does this stop, or does it never?

[broken hearted]

I wonder that very same thing every single day Lisa! I am almost convinced that I may never recover from all of this and the pain will never go away.

[soheartbroken]

Truth is, you don't know what he's thinking or feeling or missing. He could be missing you and feeling guilty.

 

What have you been doing lately to work on yourself? It must be hard with school and everything I understand. Just wondering if you've been able to read any books or anything. I understand that you're still waiting on therapy. What about a meditation class, or a divorce support group?

 

I know, I know. You're super busy. Do you have a break over the spring/summer?

 

Going back to school is all good, but you've still gotta find time to grieve. You can't distract yourself away from it.

 

But sorry, I haven't "come out the other side" yet, so you'll want to hear from someone else. My relationship was also not 18 years.

 

BUT, you've come out of an 18 year relationship and you're still 33! That's amazing. Time is on your side.

[trippi1432]

Ok, wasn't going to keep posting, but got this in an email today.....not sure how most will interpret it, but thought it hit home (insert whatever spiritual belief you want....personally, I insert myself because I have to believe in at least that).

 

Dr. Les Carter says, "Anger is closely tied to your sense of well-being as a person and closely tied to your feeling of worthiness. The less worthy you feel, the more likely you are to try to compensate for that by laying into someone, by blaming or accusing him or her, and that's where your inferiority feelings can show themselves as anger."

 

Rose Sweet says, "In divorce you are forced to realize that some people may never love you. You had better find someone who always did love you and always will love you. That's only one person—that's God. (or yourself, if you don't love yourself, no one else can.)

 

"If you feel like you're a failure, you're forgetting God (or your own emotional well-being). You are looking at yourself either through your own human eyes or other people's eyes. You have to quit doing that. Realize that you are so precious and so loved and that you are not alone. He (or others) wants to help you. He (as well as others) wants to heal you. You may have failed, but you are not a failure."

 

Your identity and your self-esteem are found in a relationship with the Lord (or within your own perception of yourself). Build your life's center on a solid foundation. Having a strong foundation will enable you to sustain whatever troubles come your way.

 

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed" (2 Corinthians 4:8-9).

[LisaUk]

Truth is, you don't know what he's thinking or feeling or missing. He could be missing you and feeling guilty. I guess, but if he did he would back surely?

 

What have you been doing lately to work on yourself? It must be hard with school and everything I understand. Just wondering if you've been able to read any books or anything. I understand that you're still waiting on therapy. What about a meditation class, or a divorce support group?

 

I know, I know. You're super busy.I am, all I do is law! And, law functions for networking, last night I spent the evening listening to a lecture all so I could network at the drinks after, only to be stood in a room of middle aged barristers and solicitors, who were rapidly getting drunk, and didn't get one contact. Do you have a break over the spring/summer?I do, my course ends after I take my exams in May, then I am off until September before going back for the Law Practice Course, (provide I have secured a training contract).

 

Going back to school is all good, but you've still gotta find time to grieve. You can't distract yourself away from it.I know, but I have to have a means of supporting myself financially as well and this is my one shot at a decent future, I can collapse in June.

 

But sorry, I haven't "come out the other side" yet, so you'll want to hear from someone else.I value everything you say SHB and all the support you have given me. You're sounding much stronger these days by the way. My relationship was also not 18 years.That makes no difference, pain is pain.

 

BUT, you've come out of an 18 year relationship and you're still 33! That's amazing. Time is on your side.Arrr, I don't feel young SHB, being surronded by 22 year olds at school doesn't help I guess, LOL, seriously though, there are not many single men my age, I doubt very much if I will ever have a relationship again. In a way, I kind of think that's probably for the best though, I have been hurt so badly by all this, I'm not sure I want to put myself in that place again, even though that will mean not being loved and alone, at least I will never have to feel this pain again.[/QUOTE]

 

...................................................................................................

[dgiirl]

Lisa, I'm approaching my 5 year anniversary from D-day. Let me tell you, it DOES get so much better. But it does take time and effort on your side.

 

Our stories are fairly similar in how our partners blindsighted us. For 11 years, he never told me a single word about his discontent with our relationship. And there was at least two incidences where I brought the topic up about possible problems in our relationship. The first time he got extremely defensive at how I could even suggest that we were having problems. He stormed off into his office slamming the door. He RARELY showed any anger or even emotion. The second time he reassured me everything was fine. There were several times he could have said something and he refused. Eleven years later, he rewrites history by saying he never wanted to get married (he planned most of our wedding), that he was never happy in the relationship (he never uttered a word to anyone, not his friends, family, me, until he met the OW), that he never loved me, that he was going to ask for a divorce three years prior but he was going through a very stressful time with the purchase of his clinic (****er put my life on hold so he could use my money to help him buy his clinic), he never wanted to live with me from the very start but he was embarrassed about what every one would think if he sent me back home.

 

Upon his leaving, he also told me how awful I was. That all I did was take and take from the relationship and that I never gave anything back to it. Meanwhile, I was the one who moved to his home city, leaving all my friends and family behind to start a new life with him.

 

Looking back now, he was a completely selfish asshat and at the time was an absolute emotional wreck. He spewed off a bunch of crap, very hurtful, very painful, but also completely untrue statements.

 

I use to be very impressionable to other people's opinions about me. He use to manipulate me a lot. And I put him on a pedestal. In my eyes, his opinion was god. So him saying these words to me absolutely devastated me. All I did for 11 years was put him on a pedestal, try my hardest to be "perfect" in his eyes, and all I got was constant criticism about how I don't measure up.

 

I was an emotional wreck for a long time. The first 6 months I literally cried 24/7. I use to have these awful dreams where I would wake from a dream feeling relieved my husband was still home, and that our separation was only a nightmare, only then to really wake up from that dream and realize that the separation was in fact true. It was absolute torment. The pain I felt every day was horrible. I cried a LOT. I often had pain in my chest, my heart was broken and I literally felt the pain. I too had suicidal thoughts. Six months in, my mom had some heart issues and she was rushed to the hospital. I was terrified my mom was going to die. I could not take both my divorce and the possible loss of my mom. I was so focused on the death of my marriage that I was neglecting everyone else, including my mom. I made a decision then that I had mourned enough for my dead marriage and it was time to take that energy and focus it on to people who actually deserved it, my family and friends.

 

I wont lie and say that I switched my thoughts completely from that point forward. I did still think of him daily for another year or so. And I still permitted myself to grieve. I figured I'm not ready at all to start dating, so I might as well grieve as much as I can now, to get it out of my system. However, I also realized that if I was not careful that I could also get stuck in that grief. So I allowed myself to cry when the stress got too much, but after a few minutes I would also start to focus on the present moment and start envisioning what I would want in the future.

 

I know you don't want to hear it, but the pain you are experiencing _today_ is indeed self inflicted. It's your own negative thoughts that are hurting you. You are reminiscing about your asshat. You are taking every single scenario that happened, in the past, and replaying them out inside your head. It is definitely not easy to control your thoughts, but the sooner you try, the easier things will become. That is your choice.

 

The sad truth is, your ex is probably not even aware of how ****ty your day is or how much you are beating yourself up over what he did. I don't know about you, but at the time, I really thought what my ex did to me was completely unfair, and I thought it was even more unfair that he could get away with it, without any repercussions. I wanted him punished for wasting 11 years of my life. I wanted him punished for just walking away. I wanted him punished for the awful words he told me. And then I realized he's not getting punished, but I've been punishing MYSELF for months for something HE did months ago! That's messed up!

 

 

Lisa, you sound like a very courageous girl. You're going back to school, meeting new people, doing new things! And you are doing it in such a short time from when this all started. You have a lot more strength than I ever did back them. I was completely dependent on my ex for everything. I was scared of my own shadow. I had no clue how to cook, pay my bills, LIVE ALONE. I was petrified of living alone. Petrified of everything. For heaven's sake, I was petrified of asking the grocery clerk to slice a loaf of bread! I thought I was going to die because I didn't know how to cook. I was in such an emotional wreck when my ex left. My self esteem was in the absolute gutter.

 

But I climbed out of that hole! And I gained SO MUCH more strength from doing so. I know who I am. And no matter what HE or anyone else says, I will always know who I am.

 

Please have faith that this will indeed get better. It might be a few more months. It might even be another year or two. Most of my friends who had gone through a divorce said it took them nearly 2-4 years before they felt back to normal. I didn't even start dating until 2.5 years after, and even then I was not completely ready. But my boyfriend has been extremely understanding and supportive throughout this whole process.

 

The 1 year mark was so much better than the 6 month mark, and the 2 year mark was SOOO much better than the 1 year mark, and the 4 year mark was even better than the 2 year mark. It takes time, baby steps, and effort to get back to normal, and to even make a BETTER life for yourself. And the most amazing thing from this whole situation, you will become stronger, wiser, and so much happier from this process if you allow yourself. Learn from your heartache. Don't go through all this pain in vain. Make something positive from your pain.

 

And there is nothing wrong on reflecting the good things from your relationship. There will be some characteristics about your ex and your relationship that you might want in a future partner, and that is ok! Don't choose someone completely opposite of your ex. However, if you take the rose tinted glasses off, and be truly objective about your ex, I'm sure you can see room for improvement in a new partner. Honesty was one of my characteristics that I looked for in a partner.

[soheartbroken]

Ya. I don't know if I want to put myself in a vulnerable position again either. I'm definitely not going to seek out a relationship for a long time. If love finds me then who knows. Maybe in a couple years...but I'm cool with that.

 

I'm sounding strong because I'm riding the endorphin high from my first workout yesterday! But I'll crash. Especially with that time of month coming up. Didn't realize how big a factor hormones could play until all this happened. I get really depressed for days.

 

So great. If you can, take the time in June to fall apart and build back up again. Until then you'll have to slog it out at school. I know it sucks. That's why I deferred. But different situations for us, both with their pros and cons. A lot of my struggle comes from not having a plan for my future, not actively working toward a career. Yet at the same time, I have time to do therapy, take classes, read books, spend countless hours on LS. So it's win-lose.

 

Reverse it for you: if you weren't in school, you would have plenty of time to grieve, but your mom would be driving you even more crazy, and you would be despondent that you were living at home unemployed.

 

It's really hard for me to comment on some of your situation though. I mean, sometimes you say your ex was wonderful, other times you speak of emotional abuse.

 

You do have to take responsibility for your part, but you can't take all the responsibility for the relationship ending. I don't think you need to vilify him though. I don't think that is the right focus (not that I'm an expert). When someone dies, the focus should not become vilifying that death so that you feel better about the death, right? I think the only thing to do is realize that it wasn't entirely your fault, and leave it at that. Whatever issues you did have you can improve on, and it sounds like you're already doing some of that.

 

Concluding that you simply cannot know what your ex is thinking right now is really hard to do, but it's the only thing to be done. It's about control. We don't like uncertainty. We even prefer the certainty of saying that they don't miss us/are having fun without us/don't even think about us to the uncertainty! That is, even if we concoct a negative story, it's better than no story at all. It gives us the illusion of control.

 

But the truth is, we can't get into their heads. We have to live with the uncertainty. But I'm like you, I make up stories, even negative ones, because I prefer that to not knowing. Plus I think that I'm bracing myself for the worst (e.g. I tell myself that she's probably with someone else because I think it will prepare me lest I find out...but it probably won't prepare me at all).

[soheartbroken]

Excellent post dgiirl.

[Gunny376]

A most excellent and outstanding post from all three of you! Most outstanding indeed.

 

Having real life experience in separation/divorce, job lost, and changing careers I do belive I have something to offer to the thread.

 

A book I'm currently reading is an excellent source for covering all three topics. And the odd thing is? Its a book written by a football couch ~ I know~ Sports analogy.

 

But he really does cover many aspects about how to be successful in both your personal and professional life. The book is by Coach Nick Saban Head Coach of the University of Alabama. And the title of the book is "How Good Do You Want To Be? A Champions Tips On How To Lead At Work and Life"

 

Of course there's a lot of references to his personal life as a football coach. But! A lot of what he had to say DOES apply to one's everyday life both personally and professionally.

 

Not to write a book review ~ the key thing he talks about is perseverance, and focusing on the here and now. Forget yesterday, don't think and focus on tomorrow ~ but focus on the here and now.

 

Today!

 

Get it down to this very moment, this very minute, this very second. Live each second as though it was your last! For it very well may be?

 

It was for about 3,000 ordinary people that went simply went to work on 9/11.

 

The simple reason that most of us find ourselves in the position that we're in is because we simply lacked the experience, the skill set, the communication skills, the self discipline, control, etc to pull it off to begin with.

 

I'm here to stand up and testify that if I had known thirty years ago what I know now? I wouldn't be where I find myself now?

 

All of you need to cut yourself some slack. Your being way too hard on yourselves.

 

You can sit around all day long "could of, should of, would of" and it wouldn't make a ounce worth of difference. Your just being "feather merchants" trading for gold.

 

What was? Was! What IS? Is! And what will be? Will be!

 

Anything the X had to offer? You can find just as good as if not better!

 

Just as much as if not more?

 

What one will abuse?

 

Another can certainly use!

 

If crying won't make them stay ~ it sure as Hell won't make them come back.

 

Crying really is nothing more than 'wasted water' A gallon of tears? Isn't worth a quarter.

 

What you need to be doing is dusting yourself off, picking yourself up and keep on 'keeping on'

 

To LisaUK. You need to just get 'about' the drudgery of it all, and get busy plowing your way through. Yea its a pain and a bitch, and boredom of it all is enough going through the "Paper Chase" is enough to drive simply anyone mad.

 

But the simple fact of the matter is? You need to get yourself positioned in life such that you can tell any and all men ~ "You know what? You can simply kiss my @zz! I don't need nor want you in my life!"

 

Your still young, (Are you listening SHB?) and have your whole life ahead of you.

 

You can choose to play now and pay for the rest of your life? Or you can choose to PAY now and play for the rest of your life.

 

I paid up-front (even though I didn't realize it at the time) by doing my "Twenty" in the Corps, sucking it up after my divorce.

 

I'm not bragging here, just trying to give you the benefit of my years on the planet.

 

I'm debt free, I've a retirement check coming in from the Corps, my medical premiums are $280 a year, I can live off of my military retirement (No thrills though ~ but it keeps a roof over my head, the lights on, and groceries), I've a dependable ride, and have a years worth of civilian income put back in CD's. I've got another $5000 put back for car repairs and such (Read Helen Hunt's "DebtProof Living" and Dave Ramsey's book "Complete Money Makeover"

[nobmagnet]

hi lisa,

 

are you feeling better today?

 

xx

[LisaUk]

hi lisa,

 

are you feeling better today?

 

xx

 

Hi

 

I was, thanks to the post from Dgirl, but unfortunately life has just gotten worse. My mother (who is emotionally abusive, check out my back threads), came into my room this morning, where I am quietly sitting trying to write a law essay that is due and counts to my final mark, and accused me of stealing money from her. Just what exactly do people think I am? I have never been so insulted in all my life, I cannot believe she would think I would ever do such a thing. I have never stolen. I would never steal, how could she think so little of me, her own daughter?!

 

What is it about me that makes people think so badly of me? First my ex, then the other guy I was involved with says I am using him, I asked one innocent enquiry of someone on my course and now she won't speak to me and now this. I can't take anymore, it's not a matter of deciding to keep going for me anymore, I just simply do not want to live anymore, I just want peace, I don't want to try anymore, it's not worth it. I am struggling with suicidal thoughts every day and what for, I should just do it, it seems that everyone in my life has so little regard for me anyway, they will all be much happier when I am gone.

Edited December 5, 2009 by LisaUk

[2.50 a gallon]

Lisa:

 

Not everybody in your life has little regard for you.

 

Here on LS you are highly liked, and even more respected. Concentrate on finishing your schooling and moving on in life with a new place of your own and new friends and associates who do repect and care for you

 

Your friend Gallon

[LisaUk]

I know Galleon, thank you. I'm just so down on life right now.

[HeavenOrHell]

33 is young hun, I'm 43, not many single blokes left for me!

I know what you mean about staying single, I know what you mean, I never want to feel like this again.

Hopefully we will move on from this feeling though.

 

 

Truth is, you don't know what he's thinking or feeling or missing. He could be missing you and feeling guilty. I guess, but if he did he would back surely?

 

What have you been doing lately to work on yourself? It must be hard with school and everything I understand. Just wondering if you've been able to read any books or anything. I understand that you're still waiting on therapy. What about a meditation class, or a divorce support group?

 

I know, I know. You're super busy.I am, all I do is law! And, law functions for networking, last night I spent the evening listening to a lecture all so I could network at the drinks after, only to be stood in a room of middle aged barristers and solicitors, who were rapidly getting drunk, and didn't get one contact. Do you have a break over the spring/summer?I do, my course ends after I take my exams in May, then I am off until September before going back for the Law Practice Course, (provide I have secured a training contract).

 

Going back to school is all good, but you've still gotta find time to grieve. You can't distract yourself away from it.I know, but I have to have a means of supporting myself financially as well and this is my one shot at a decent future, I can collapse in June.

 

But sorry, I haven't "come out the other side" yet, so you'll want to hear from someone else.I value everything you say SHB and all the support you have given me. You're sounding much stronger these days by the way. My relationship was also not 18 years.That makes no difference, pain is pain.

 

BUT, you've come out of an 18 year relationship and you're still 33! That's amazing. Time is on your side.Arrr, I don't feel young SHB, being surronded by 22 year olds at school doesn't help I guess, LOL, seriously though, there are not many single men my age, I doubt very much if I will ever have a relationship again. In a way, I kind of think that's probably for the best though, I have been hurt so badly by all this, I'm not sure I want to put myself in that place again, even though that will mean not being loved and alone, at least I will never have to feel this pain again.[/QUOTE]

 

...................................................................................................

[LisaUk]

A letter for my ex, had to get this out and I didn't want to send it.

 

Do you not care how much I loved you? Do you now know how much you leaving has torn me to shreds, how 9 months later I still cry until I shake, for you, I hurt so much from what you did to me, how can you not know this? How can you not care? We shared so much together, we spent 18 years together, we travelled across the country at weekends, spent all of our limited money, when we went to different uni's, just to see each other for a few hours or speak on the payphone for 10 mins. We grew up together, how can you have forgotten this? How can this mean nothing to you?

 

You say you knew 8 years ago that you did not love me, you say you knew then that you did not want to marry me, that something didn't feel right when you proposed. If you knew 8 years ago, why did you not release me? Why did you stay with me and make me believe that you loved and cared for me? Why did you not set me free to find happiness with someone who would love me and appreciate me? Why did you keep me for your own selfish ends, selfish because you knew that you didn't want me, that eventually you would leave me, why? You've stolen years of my life, years I will never get back, you took them under false pretences, what gave you that right? Do you think I would have stayed if I had known? Do you think I would have given you my love and devotion if I had known who and what you really are?

 

Did I really deserve this? What did I ever do to you to deserve this pain you have inflicted on me? All I ever did was love and support you. I was faithful to you for 18 years, I never so much as looked at another. I tried to consider your feelings, I tried to give you everything you expressed you needed or wanted to make you happy. I gave up everything for you, I gave up my friends and family to come live with you in a city I detested, in a city that made my agoraphobia worse, because it was too busy and clastraphobic, fast paced, you knew this, just to be with you. When I asked if we could move just a bit further out, just an extra 10 mins on the train for your commute, so I could feel happier, more at ease, less terrified to leave my house, you said no, the extra commute was too much. Once, when you were looking at possible job loss and told me we may have to move to Scotland, I said I would go to the ends of the earth with you, so long as we were together.

 

Another time and a another prospect of job loss, we had just moved to our last home together, just 3 months before, you turned to me in the car and TOLD me you were going to apply for a job half way across the country. There was no thought for me, for me having to leave my friends again, for the fact we had just moved house (a move you made me do alone, all the packing, everything because you could not possibly take any time off work, could you ever?). You didn't ask, you didn't discuss, you TOLD.

 

Why do you not see that I loved you or is it that you just don't care?

[tojaz]

Ouch Lis, it must have hurt terribly to write that. Keep that letter, keep a copy of it with you always. When you think you miss him and let him hurt you, pull it out and read it to remind you of who he really is and how much better off you will be without him ruling your life.

TOJAZ

[Ariadne]

A letter for my ex, had to get this out and I didn't want to send it.

 

Do you not care how much I loved you? Do you now know how much you leaving has torn me to shreds, how 9 months later I still cry until I shake, for you, I hurt so much from what you did to me, how can you not know this? How can you not care? We shared so much together, we spent 18 years together, we travelled across the country at weekends, spent all of our limited money, when we went to different uni's, just to see each other for a few hours or speak on the payphone for 10 mins. We grew up together, how can you have forgotten this? How can this mean nothing to you?

 

You say you knew 8 years ago that you did not love me, you say you knew then that you did not want to marry me, that something didn't feel right when you proposed. If you knew 8 years ago, why did you not release me? Why did you stay with me and make me believe that you loved and cared for me? Why did you not set me free to find happiness with someone who would love me and appreciate me? Why did you keep me for your own selfish ends, selfish because you knew that you didn't want me, that eventually you would leave me, why? You've stolen years of my life, years I will never get back, you took them under false pretences, what gave you that right? Do you think I would have stayed if I had known? Do you think I would have given you my love and devotion if I had known who and what you really are?

 

Did I really deserve this? What did I ever do to you to deserve this pain you have inflicted on me? All I ever did was love and support you. I was faithful to you for 18 years, I never so much as looked at another. I tried to consider your feelings, I tried to give you everything you expressed you needed or wanted to make you happy. I gave up everything for you, I gave up my friends and family to come live with you in a city I detested, in a city that made my agoraphobia worse, because it was too busy and clastraphobic, fast paced, you knew this, just to be with you. When I asked if we could move just a bit further out, just an extra 10 mins on the train for your commute, so I could feel happier, more at ease, less terrified to leave my house, you said no, the extra commute was too much. Once, when you were looking at possible job loss and told me we may have to move to Scotland, I said I would go to the ends of the earth with you, so long as we were together.

 

Another time and a another prospect of job loss, we had just moved to our last home together, just 3 months before, you turned to me in the car and TOLD me you were going to apply for a job half way across the country. There was no thought for me, for me having to leave my friends again, for the fact we had just moved house (a move you made me do alone, all the packing, everything because you could not possibly take any time off work, could you ever?). You didn't ask, you didn't discuss, you TOLD.

 

Why do you not see that I loved you or is it that you just don't care?

 

I love it!!!

 

Please send it and don't let people discourage you.

 

If you want a reconciliation, you are going to have to get in touch.

 

If he has moved on and doesn't care then you'll know.

 

Good luck! Hope he responds.

[floridapad]

Lisa

 

You only live once do what you need to make you feel right as far as the R goes. I do have one thought. Take that letter and BURN it. Let go of the damn pain. There is NO way you could ever reconcile with someone or even reconcile with yourself while you hold on to it. There is no way you could be happy with someone different if you hold on to it......

 

Yes he hurt you but if you carry that hurt or pain into your next relationship or an attempt at being "friends" with him, how in the heck would you ever be happy holding onto the pain. It friggin hurts. I know. But the more you dwell on the pain someone else caused you, the more difficult it is to be happy.

[soheartbroken]

You may want to send it...one day. But you'll probably want to add things and remove things as time passes.

 

I wanted to send a letter a few days ago (I'm sure you remember), but I haven't. And the urge has kind of passed for now.