Getting your ex back, possible?

[LonelyTiger]

Lisa you are obviously having a tough time right now, whether it's the bad experience with the other guy or the wedding date approaching. I feel for you, I really do. I wouldn't send this letter though.

 

You're having a wobble, for whatever reason, and it's great that you wrote everything down - great for you. You're not sure why your ex left so the letter may drive him further away. If you have any hope of a reconciliation now is not the time for a letter like this - and it suggests that you are still way too vulnerable to contact him right now.

 

I would either print the letter off and then burn it, or keep it and add to it, amend it whenever the need takes you. One day you may choose to send it but in my experience probably not. On my therapists advice, I wrote a letter to my husband a short while after he left, the day I took off my wedding ring, but I never sent it. I still have it though and I read it very occasionally just to remind myself how far I have come.

 

Personally I do believe it's possible to be friends with exes but not everybody is capable of it and both parties need to be fully healed for this to happen successfully. You may be good friends with your ex at some point in the future - but not yet Lisa - and judging by the feelings expressed in your letter maybe not for quite some time.

[LisaUk]

I seem to have created some confusion. The letter was never intended to be sent, it was purely me having a meltdown and I needed to get those feelings out.

 

To be honest, I have no hope of reconciliation, my posting that at the beginning of this thread was a moment of madness on my part. There is no hope of reconciliation because my ex has commitment phobia although he is incapable/unwilling to address it. To him I represent panic, in his mind I am the problem not his childhood issues. There is no chance of friendship either for exactly the same reason, for him to be friends with me would mean experiencing panic and conflict, which he is unable/unwilling to deal with.

 

The problem comes for me, that although I know in my heart from the way he left me and from the time we spent together that CP is the issue, because he, in order to push me away, placed ALL the blame on me and treated me like I was unreasonable for being hurt and upset (yes, seriously, he told me I should not be upset, I needed help because being hurt was unreasonable, I should just be able to move on, this was 3 days after he left me), I begin to beleive the justifications he used for himself to leave.

 

That's when I have a meltdown. I also, of course miss him terribly and cannot bare the thought that I will never see him again or feel his love me again. SHB, I am not trying to vilify him, I am trying to find things about him that weren't wonderful, I can see no other way of getting past this. I really fear that I will love him like I have always loved him for the rest of my days and the pain of that is too much to live with.

 

Dgirl, thank you so much for your post, you have no idea how much comfort your words gave me. Is it possible we were with the same man? LOL I hope you are right, to be haunted by this forever is more than I can handle.

 

On a side note, maybe I should start a new thread given this one started out as a reconciliation thread, which I know is never going to happen.

[LonelyTiger]

33 is young hun, I'm 43, not many single blokes left for me!

I know what you mean about staying single, I know what you mean, I never want to feel like this again.

Hopefully we will move on from this feeling though.

 

HOH and Lisa - you are both young and there are many single men out there in their 30s and 40s. Please don't let your recent experiences make you forget how wonderful loving relationships can be.

 

I was talking to my Mum the other day about maybe filing for divorce and she asked if I would ever consider marriage again. She assumed I wouldn't want to risk it. I surprised her by saying, without any hesitation, 'yes absolutely'!

 

I loved being married, I love having a special man in my life. Yes, I have been very badly hurt by a man who I honestly believed would never, ever hurt me BUT I still know that the world is full of good men looking for good women. It may actually be a much better option to start afresh with someone new than to hold out hope for a reconciliation with your ex.

 

Please focus on the good memories and know that you can have all of the best times, and possibly better ones, with a new man. I have too many friends who have stayed single after the break up of a long term relationship. They are too scared to allow themselves to be happy.

 

I have no intention of letting that happen to me. I'm 44, I'm still young. I deserve happiness, we all do. HOH and Lisa and anybody else out there who's feeling a bit afraid of getting hurt, please take the risk. Loving another human being is just the best feeling in the world.

[LisaUk]

33 is young hun, I'm 43, not many single blokes left for me!

I know what you mean about staying single, I know what you mean, I never want to feel like this again.

Hopefully we will move on from this feeling though.

 

HOH and Lisa - you are both young and there are many single men out there in their 30s and 40s. Please don't let your recent experiences make you forget how wonderful loving relationships can be.

 

I was talking to my Mum the other day about maybe filing for divorce and she asked if I would ever consider marriage again. She assumed I wouldn't want to risk it. I surprised her by saying, without any hesitation, 'yes absolutely'!

 

I loved being married, I love having a special man in my life. Yes, I have been very badly hurt by a man who I honestly believed would never, ever hurt me BUT I still know that the world is full of good men looking for good women. It may actually be a much better option to start afresh with someone new than to hold out hope for a reconciliation with your ex.

 

Please focus on the good memories and know that you can have all of the best times, and possibly better ones, with a new man. I have too many friends who have stayed single after the break up of a long term relationship. They are too scared to allow themselves to be happy.

 

I have no intention of letting that happen to me. I'm 44, I'm still young. I deserve happiness, we all do. HOH and Lisa and anybody else out there who's feeling a bit afraid of getting hurt, please take the risk. Loving another human being is just the best feeling in the world.

 

Lonely Tiger, I appreciate what you are saying, but they won't be my ex. Besides, I have only ever been with my ex from the age of 15, just the thought of being with someone else is too strange to contimplate. It's not just a matter of not being hurt, it's a matter of not wanting to be with anyone else, just him. I only ever wanted him, that doesn't change b/c he doesn't want me anymore. I wanted him for a reason, b/c he was who he was, no one else will ever be him.

[tojaz]

 

Lonely Tiger, I appreciate what you are saying, but they won't be my ex. Besides, I have only ever been with my ex from the age of 15, just the thought of being with someone else is too strange to contimplate. It's not just a matter of not being hurt, it's a matter of not wanting to be with anyone else, just him. I only ever wanted him, that doesn't change b/c he doesn't want me anymore. I wanted him for a reason, b/c he was who he was, no one else will ever be him.

Including him Lis! Hes the man in your letter now.

[LonelyTiger]

 

Lonely Tiger, I appreciate what you are saying, but they won't be my ex. Besides, I have only ever been with my ex from the age of 15, just the thought of being with someone else is too strange to contimplate. It's not just a matter of not being hurt, it's a matter of not wanting to be with anyone else, just him. I only ever wanted him, that doesn't change b/c he doesn't want me anymore. I wanted him for a reason, b/c he was who he was, no one else will ever be him.

 

Lisa, I understand, I really do. I met my husband when I was 7 years old. I have loved him all my life. I only ever wanted to be with him. He was the love of my life - maybe he still is - maybe he always will be. He is the only man I have ever loved or ever believed I could love.

 

We were together for 14 years, married for nearly 10. When he left me I thought my life was over, I was suicidal, I couldn't imagine ever wanting another man. But I am beginning to heal and I know that I will get through this and I will find love again with someone else. So will you Lisa.

 

I know you can't believe this right now - I understand, I have been where you are. You feel there is no light. I can promise you there is.

[dgiirl]

Lisa, I can relate to how you are feeling. My exh was the first man I ever slept with. I lost my virginity to him when I was 21, but I knew (or thought I did) I would be with him for the rest of my life. I was committed to him.

 

After separating, the thought of sleeping with another man repulsed me. I could not imagine another man touching me without ever thinking about and missing my exh. I don't have any judgments towards others who choose to have multiple partners in their lives, but for me, I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it emotionally. In order for me to open myself up to someone, to be that vulnerable, I need to be in a committed relationship. Not necessarily married, but to reach a point in the relationship where I know we're exclusive and we are committed to one another, and that for both of us, it's not just a one night stand.

 

There will be a time when you will meet someone special, someone who deserves your love and affection, and when that time comes, even though you might be scared, you will want to open yourself up to him and allow him in. Take your time though! If he's worth it, he'll be patient and understanding. He won't force you to do anything you're not ready for! My boyfriend has been just that. Extremely understanding and a very passionate lover. After being celibate for 2.5 years, when I started dating my bf, I became this horny teenager, to the point that I was ready to sleep with him much sooner than I should have been, totally out of character for me. However, he was very much a gentleman and held back for a little longer which was a good thing. Although I did enjoy the sex with my exh, the sex is much different with my boyfriend, and I am much more sexually compatible with him than my exh. I NEVER would have believed it 5 years ago! I honestly hit the jackpot!

 

I guess what I am trying to say is, it sounds like you are the type of girl who needs to have an emotional bond with someone before you can connect with them sexually. If that is the case, then don't sleep with just ANY guy. Sleeping with just ANY guy will remind you of your ex and make you feel more miserable. However, once you do have that emotional bond with someone, you won't hesitate at all! You will want to open yourself up to them and it will be an amazing experience. Also, one of the perks about being single and "older", the men tend to be too. And with age, comes maturity. There are quite a lot of single men in their 30's and 40's who have played the scene in their 20's and are now looking for a serious committed relationship. They might be ready to commit to you sooner than you are to them.

 

Don't fret so much about your future! I honestly thought I was an old maid when I got divorced, that I would NEVER love again and that noone would ever want me. Once I started building up my self esteem and moving on with my life instead of grieving, the men started coming out of the wood works!

 

Girl, once you are ready, you are going to have a great time being single again! It's hard to see that now, but it WILL happen!

[ADF]

Getting back together with an ex is almost always a bad idea. Almost always. Not only is the second time around likely to be shorter than the first, but it also tends to be much more vicious and hurtful. It is a BAD idea.

[LisaUk]

Lisa, I can relate to how you are feeling. My exh was the first man I ever slept with. I lost my virginity to him when I was 21, but I knew (or thought I did) I would be with him for the rest of my life. I was committed to him.

 

After separating, the thought of sleeping with another man repulsed me. I could not imagine another man touching me without ever thinking about and missing my exh. I don't have any judgments towards others who choose to have multiple partners in their lives, but for me, I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it emotionally. In order for me to open myself up to someone, to be that vulnerable, I need to be in a committed relationship. Not necessarily married, but to reach a point in the relationship where I know we're exclusive and we are committed to one another, and that for both of us, it's not just a one night stand.

 

There will be a time when you will meet someone special, someone who deserves your love and affection, and when that time comes, even though you might be scared, you will want to open yourself up to him and allow him in. Take your time though! If he's worth it, he'll be patient and understanding. He won't force you to do anything you're not ready for! My boyfriend has been just that. Extremely understanding and a very passionate lover. After being celibate for 2.5 years, when I started dating my bf, I became this horny teenager, to the point that I was ready to sleep with him much sooner than I should have been, totally out of character for me. However, he was very much a gentleman and held back for a little longer which was a good thing. Although I did enjoy the sex with my exh, the sex is much different with my boyfriend, and I am much more sexually compatible with him than my exh. I NEVER would have believed it 5 years ago! I honestly hit the jackpot!

 

I guess what I am trying to say is, it sounds like you are the type of girl who needs to have an emotional bond with someone before you can connect with them sexually. If that is the case, then don't sleep with just ANY guy. Sleeping with just ANY guy will remind you of your ex and make you feel more miserable. However, once you do have that emotional bond with someone, you won't hesitate at all! You will want to open yourself up to them and it will be an amazing experience. Also, one of the perks about being single and "older", the men tend to be too. And with age, comes maturity. There are quite a lot of single men in their 30's and 40's who have played the scene in their 20's and are now looking for a serious committed relationship. They might be ready to commit to you sooner than you are to them.

 

Don't fret so much about your future! I honestly thought I was an old maid when I got divorced, that I would NEVER love again and that noone would ever want me. Once I started building up my self esteem and moving on with my life instead of grieving, the men started coming out of the wood works!

 

Girl, once you are ready, you are going to have a great time being single again! It's hard to see that now, but it WILL happen!

 

Thanks Dgirl, as usual you have me totally figure out! However, I don't want a guy in his 30's or 40's who has played the scene in his 20's, that's part of the problem, when I say there will be no one for me in my future, part of that thought process is that I don't want someone who has a sexual past like that.

 

Don't get me worng, if people want to live that way it's up to them, but for me, I want someone with the same morals and values as me, not someone who has screwed everything that moves and hasn't been capale of commitment before now.

 

In a way it's part of the reason I am so upset by what my ex has done to me. He took my virginity, slept with me for years, knowing he didn't want me (as he said), knowing my views on sex and marriage and emotions and he abused that trust. Not only did he rob me of that, he robbed me of the opportunity to be with someone else, b/c like you said the ones my age that are out there, for the most part, are the ones that have been playing the scene, aka, not the ones I would want to share my life with.

[dgiirl]

Thanks Dgirl, as usual you have me totally figure out! However, I don't want a guy in his 30's or 40's who has played the scene in his 20's, that's part of the problem, when I say there will be no one for me in my future, part of that thought process is that I don't want someone who has a sexual past like that.

 

I did not mean to imply every guy who is still single in their 30's and 40's has had a vast amount of sexual partners. Everyone is different with different backgrounds and experiences. There are quite a few nice men out there who are not players, who will share the same morals as you.

 

I do want to caution you tho, since it was something I had done initially, don't become too judgmental of people's past until you get to know them. When I first got divorced, I feared no one would ever want me because I am now a divorced woman. Despite my own situation, I also judged other people who were divorced. I did not want to be with a divorced man. I did not want to be with someone who has kids. I did not want to be with a man in his 40's. I did not want to be with someone who had slept around. I had this huge list of criteria because I judged them as someone with baggage, and at the same time, I feared they would judge me unfairly the same way.

 

Once I started to get out there, I started to realize that most people did not care too much about my past and they were a lot less judgmental than I gave them credit for. I did run into a few men who did judge me and it hurt quite a bit because they did not even get to know me or my story, they just knew I was divorced and said some mean things. However, the majority of men out there were extremely understanding. I figured if they were not judgmental against me, then I definitely should not be towards them. I did not toss out all of my criteria, because some of them indicated what stage of life we both were in. For instance, ideally, I would not get involved with a man with kids, simply because _I_ have not reached that stage in life, and it is usually easier to date someone who is at the same stage of life as you are. However, I have become a lot less judgmental towards people with different life experiences and if everything else matches nicely with a man, I won't let it close the door.

 

The fact of the matter, the older we get, the more life experiences we will go through. If we judge others for their past before getting to know them, then we have to be prepared to be judged ourselves. And the more we judge others, the more doors we close to finding love again. It's a delicate balance between keeping a list of criteria because it represents a trait you desire in a partner and knowing when to through it out the window because everything else matches up nicely and he shows that trait in other ways.

[Gunny376]

Join Date: Apr 2005

Location: ♫ ♥ █♣█ ♥ ♫

Posts: 3,410

 

Lisa, I'm approaching my 5 year anniversary from D-day. Let me tell you, it DOES get so much better. But it does take time and effort on your side.

 

Our stories are fairly similar in how our partners blindsighted us. For 11 years, he never told me a single word about his discontent with our relationship. And there was at least two incidences where I brought the topic up about possible problems in our relationship. The first time he got extremely defensive at how I could even suggest that we were having problems. He stormed off into his office slamming the door. He RARELY showed any anger or even emotion. The second time he reassured me everything was fine. There were several times he could have said something and he refused. Eleven years later, he rewrites history by saying he never wanted to get married (he planned most of our wedding), that he was never happy in the relationship (he never uttered a word to anyone, not his friends, family, me, until he met the OW), that he never loved me, that he was going to ask for a divorce three years prior but he was going through a very stressful time with the purchase of his clinic (****er put my life on hold so he could use my money to help him buy his clinic), he never wanted to live with me from the very start but he was embarrassed about what every one would think if he sent me back home.

 

Upon his leaving, he also told me how awful I was. That all I did was take and take from the relationship and that I never gave anything back to it. Meanwhile, I was the one who moved to his home city, leaving all my friends and family behind to start a new life with him.

 

Looking back now, he was a completely selfish asshat and at the time was an absolute emotional wreck. He spewed off a bunch of crap, very hurtful, very painful, but also completely untrue statements.

 

I use to be very impressionable to other people's opinions about me. He use to manipulate me a lot. And I put him on a pedestal. In my eyes, his opinion was god. So him saying these words to me absolutely devastated me. All I did for 11 years was put him on a pedestal, try my hardest to be "perfect" in his eyes, and all I got was constant criticism about how I don't measure up.

 

I was an emotional wreck for a long time. The first 6 months I literally cried 24/7. I use to have these awful dreams where I would wake from a dream feeling relieved my husband was still home, and that our separation was only a nightmare, only then to really wake up from that dream and realize that the separation was in fact true. It was absolute torment. The pain I felt every day was horrible. I cried a LOT. I often had pain in my chest, my heart was broken and I literally felt the pain. I too had suicidal thoughts. Six months in, my mom had some heart issues and she was rushed to the hospital. I was terrified my mom was going to die. I could not take both my divorce and the possible loss of my mom. I was so focused on the death of my marriage that I was neglecting everyone else, including my mom. I made a decision then that I had mourned enough for my dead marriage and it was time to take that energy and focus it on to people who actually deserved it, my family and friends.

 

I wont lie and say that I switched my thoughts completely from that point forward. I did still think of him daily for another year or so. And I still permitted myself to grieve. I figured I'm not ready at all to start dating, so I might as well grieve as much as I can now, to get it out of my system. However, I also realized that if I was not careful that I could also get stuck in that grief. So I allowed myself to cry when the stress got too much, but after a few minutes I would also start to focus on the present moment and start envisioning what I would want in the future.

 

I know you don't want to hear it, but the pain you are experiencing _today_ is indeed self inflicted. It's your own negative thoughts that are hurting you. You are reminiscing about your asshat. You are taking every single scenario that happened, in the past, and replaying them out inside your head. It is definitely not easy to control your thoughts, but the sooner you try, the easier things will become. That is your choice.

 

The sad truth is, your ex is probably not even aware of how ****ty your day is or how much you are beating yourself up over what he did. I don't know about you, but at the time, I really thought what my ex did to me was completely unfair, and I thought it was even more unfair that he could get away with it, without any repercussions. I wanted him punished for wasting 11 years of my life. I wanted him punished for just walking away. I wanted him punished for the awful words he told me. And then I realized he's not getting punished, but I've been punishing MYSELF for months for something HE did months ago! That's messed up!

 

 

Lisa, you sound like a very courageous girl. You're going back to school, meeting new people, doing new things! And you are doing it in such a short time from when this all started. You have a lot more strength than I ever did back them. I was completely dependent on my ex for everything. I was scared of my own shadow. I had no clue how to cook, pay my bills, LIVE ALONE. I was petrified of living alone. Petrified of everything. For heaven's sake, I was petrified of asking the grocery clerk to slice a loaf of bread! I thought I was going to die because I didn't know how to cook. I was in such an emotional wreck when my ex left. My self esteem was in the absolute gutter.

 

But I climbed out of that hole! And I gained SO MUCH more strength from doing so. I know who I am. And no matter what HE or anyone else says, I will always know who I am.

 

Please have faith that this will indeed get better. It might be a few more months. It might even be another year or two. Most of my friends who had gone through a divorce said it took them nearly 2-4 years before they felt back to normal. I didn't even start dating until 2.5 years after, and even then I was not completely ready. But my boyfriend has been extremely understanding and supportive throughout this whole process.

 

The 1 year mark was so much better than the 6 month mark, and the 2 year mark was SOOO much better than the 1 year mark, and the 4 year mark was even better than the 2 year mark. It takes time, baby steps, and effort to get back to normal, and to even make a BETTER life for yourself. And the most amazing thing from this whole situation, you will become stronger, wiser, and so much happier from this process if you allow yourself. Learn from your heartache. Don't go through all this pain in vain. Make something positive from your pain.

 

And there is nothing wrong on reflecting the good things from your relationship. There will be some characteristics about your ex and your relationship that you might want in a future partner, and that is ok! Don't choose someone completely opposite of your ex. However, if you take the rose tinted glasses off, and be truly objective about your ex, I'm sure you can see room for improvement in a new partner. Honesty was one of my characteristics that I looked for in a partner.

 

Are you ready this stuff?

[Gunny376]

OOOOOOrAAAAHHH!