What can we do to help our love heal?

[Thinkalot]

Hi. I'm sure a few of you have read my posts before, but now I really need some new advice about how to improve my relationship.

 

To give you the background. We've been together about 2 1/2 years, and are both around 30. He's divorced, but no kids there, luckily. We fell madly in love and feel we are soulmates and moved in together quickly. We have so much in common, and have each never felt such a strong love and passion. We have discussed marriage, down to the location etc, and bought an antique engagement ring. We are financially secure and also saving hard with plans to take a year off and go travelling around our country. We still hope to get there....BUT:

 

We have had difficulties though which have created "baggage" and our relationship is struggling.

 

First- I am an only child, and very close to my mum. My mum and my bf had a big falling out. I was confused and upset, and felt guilty for upsetting mum, and took a while to support my bfs position, which upset him. Eventually I did though, and stood my ground on the issues upsetting my mum. She eventually came around, and now she and my bf are friends, which of course, makes life easier, and happier for me.

 

We then hit another stumbling block, when my bf found out some things about my sexual past. I've never slept around with heaps of guys or anything, he flipped out when he found out about a couple of "flings", called me names etc. Well, we got counselling then, and he resolved his issues, and we moved on. Although, the hurt stayed with me for a while, and trusting him again was a bit harder.

 

Then, I had my own issues and feelings of insecurity seemed to get worse as time went on. I love him so much and became so frightened of things not working out. I had always been jealous of the fact he had been married before (...a dream of mine about being the first?! or something) and also seemed to lose my sense of ME somewhere along the line. I started to become neuoritc, ask lots of questions and obsess about the ex-wife etc (so many posts about this sort of thing on this site...you get my drift). I also had trouble coping with differences in HIS past! Ironic really. I then got counselling on my own, to help lift my self esteem back up and cure my obsessive thinking. I am a driven sort of person anyway, and quite a worrier. But the counselling and friends have helped me start to be stronger and worry less about the past and HIS past.

 

The problem is, all my worrying and obsessing and lack of trust in him has pushed him away from me. He says he still loves me and wants things to work out etc, but he has a short temper with me now, and doesn't feel as close as he once did. I pushed him way too far for way too long, I know that! Yet now I am improving, and he is still not as close to me as he could be. We've discussed this, and agreed it will simply take time. I find it hard to JUST BE and cruise along though because we have been so close to engagement and the whole thing, so many times...and to just wait and not know exactly where he's at, is hard to do.

 

Also, we have always had communication issues and been volatile. Counselling and reading books has helped this. However, these latest issues (ie, my obsessing) has made the volatility worse. We argue and I get emotional etc. One thing that also upsets me a lot, is his temper. He swears and yells and actually often ends an argument telling me to F--- off! I hate that. He says he hates being that way and is unhappy. It's not who he used to be at all. He says he wants very much to be happy and work it out, but fears maybe we can't.

 

I don't know ! I love him so much and want it to work. We both know who good things CAN be between us and want that back! I don't know how to fix things though. We've been to counselling in the past, and I dont think that is our answer now. We just keep trying and trying.

 

I'm sorry this is so long, but I needed to get it out, and if you've read this far- thanks. I'd love your advice.

[moimeme]

Hi Thinkalot

 

I would suggest trying <URL removed>

 

There is a lot of information there. If BF is committed to working this out with you, I'm hoping he'll participate in the exercises, etc. It's a pretty good theory this guy has - it's worth a try!

[Thinkalot]

Thanks moimeme. I feel so sad today. I just want things to get better and better...not go up down up down.

[Thinkalot]

One other thing I wanted to add, is that it's getting hard to be objective about things anymore. I don't know when I have a right to be angry or upset with him for being angry, or yelling, for example, or when he is justified, and my actions are to blame. I'm no saint. I just want peace. I'm frightened of being a doormat though, and so is he! He was hurt and cheated on in his marriage, and always says, he won't be walked on...or make the same mistake twice etc.

 

We are both trying to give more and think of the other. But right now we bounce from a wonderful day together...all in love and happy...to a screaming fight, with all this issues boiling up to the surface...then we make up, then we fight...and so on. The pattern needs to stop.

[lost_in_chgo]

Try talking.

Stop the fight when it starts and try talking one at a time about it, without interrupting.

 

Look up active listening on the web

http://www.colorado.edu/conflict/peace/treatment/activel.htm

[Thinkalot]

Thanks....I checked the sites out. Helpful stuff, which I've basically seen before, but it's always good to be reminded of HOW to listen properly and communicate, without being blinded by your own idea of what is right, or should be said.

[Thinkalot]

Well....I went home from work yesterday and tried to really listen and talk to my bf calmly and that seemed to help. We are both committed to trying and I was encouraged to hear my bf say he was still prepared to hang in and give it a go ...we just don't think either of us can take too much more of the roller coaster ride....!

 

Anyway...we are back on more level ground again now, so here's hoping we can work through the baggage we've each created in this relationship and dump it! Because, when it's good, it's REALLy good. My bf is also stressed and very busy at work and has decided to try and slow down a bit, which might also reduce his stress and tension.

 

I'm scared of this not working out, for a variety of reasons some healthy and some simply out of fear I think. Because of our love and strong connection, and because of the fear of having to start all over again.

[meanon]

I've read your posts before and gained the impression that you felt you had a handle on the obsessing issue - you also mention in this thread that you feel this problem is behind you. So why is your bf getting angry with your behaviour? Later you imply that it is due to your obsessing.

 

I guess I am picking up on this apparent inconsistency (which may mean nothing) because it sounds to me a bit like you and your boyfriend are still blaming the other person for the way you feel when you have a bad day and this is what makes it a bit of a roller coaster ride. Either that or he is being very unreasonable in not letting go of the past and continuing to make you pay for it.

 

The counselling has helped you gain insight but has it given you practical skills to stop reacting in what feels like an entirely justified manner? Understanding them does not make the feelings go away - you need to create a delay in reacting to objectively test whether your perceptions about what your bf is thinking are grounded in reality. This helps with the day to day (cruising along as you call it) until the feelings pass. You may not need counselling but certainly talking to someone with insight into this problem other than him will be helpful.

 

Often an important starting point is accepting that you will survive and have the capacity to be happy without the relationship. With this basic self confidence the desire to continually test the relationship by escalating the relatively trivial to life and death proportions eases.

 

I may be talking absolute rubbish here - I've based my observations in part on a brief spell of extreme insecurity with a boyfriend and from helping others who have had problems in relationships because of insecurity. Apologies if it doesn't apply to you.

[Thinkalot]

Thanks very much meanon. I don't think you are talking rubbish, and your words of advice seem to be relevant to me. I think I do "escalate the relatively trivial to life or death proportions" sometimes. Almost as though, when things are going well, I LOOK for something to worry about. Then I start quizzing my boyfriend about the issue of concern (which is usually something small), until we both feel tense and anxious. And, if he has a different view point from me, I try to change his way of thinking to suit me. I'm aware this is not good, and therefore, I don't ALWAYS do this, but sometimes I still do, and I know it causes problems. My mum has reminded me that I don't want a "clone" of myself! And yet sometimes, I find the differences so threatening. I'm not too sure why. I've tried to look into my past and figure that out.

 

As for my issues with the past, yes, I have a handle on them compared to where I was. But, no, I am not completely there. I still ask too many questions about the ex, or his past life. I can pretend it's because I'm curious, but it's more than that. It's still because I'm insecure, and want to make sure things are "better" with me, or that I am "better" than her. I still compare, in other words and compete. What has happened though, is that my ability to control those feelings has improved, and many times, I say nothing and the feelings pass, until I again feel confident and happy. The feelings also happen less. I am presuming if I continue this way, sooner or later, I won't have the feelings in the first place. I have developed some diversionary and calming tactics. I also remind myself of the consequences and try to be less selfish and more giving. So I do feel as though I have made significant headway.

 

To respond to whether or not my bf is being unreasonable. Sometimes no (owing to my above behaviour). Sometimes yes, I think he is just tense and stressed and is acting on things which have happened in the past. When we are talking well, he admits he is aware of this, and is trying to overcome it. I believe much of his anger also comes because of the tension which has built up inside him over the past months of my obsessing, and before that, as a result of the issues I mentioned with my mum (she shared our house at that time and this was a very very difficult time for me and us), and then his issues with my past and so on. Sometimes we BOTH have trouble letting go of these things. We know that. And we try. I guess it just takes time, and perhaps a bit less intensity and worry on my part will help. I am also trying to think of my love for this man, and to be more giving.

 

Today for example, I feel happy and am looking forward to an evening out together tonight. I am trying to relax and not bring up "relationship talk" so we can just breathe and be happy together. I am fighting the urge to ask questions and discuss things! Instead, I want to make him happy and feel relaxed (after his stressful day at work etc).

 

It's amazing how when we relax, all the loving feelings can flow so easily again. The reasons we are still together and want to marry then seem so clear.

[lost_in_chgo]

Try to make an effort with the listening thing. It takes practice.

Also, try to talk about issues before they come to the boiling point. I'd suggest maybe just sitting down and talking a couple times a week about what is bothering either of you and then trying to address ways to correct it. Don't try to force each other to change, it's better to work on acceptance of the other person and trying to improve yourself with things that you think can be improved to make your partner more comfortable and yourself happier.

[meanon]

It's amazing how when we relax, all the loving feelings can flow so easily again. The reasons we are still together and want to marry then seem so clear.

 

Keep a mental note of this and remember it when you begin to get anxious. It may help to separate issues rather than being overwhelmed by them - yes you can be obsessional about sorting yourself out instead

 

Try and think of the insecurity as your problem, one that your bf can help you with but not one that gets pushed on him to the extent that it stresses him out. Look for the positive in the way he relates to you and take credit for it. Ask for reassurance yes but wait until you can do so in an appropriate way that doesn't make him freak out. Then when you are being calmer it is reasonable to expect him to do the same. Make it clear you will not tolerate being cursed and that he will have to find another way of dealing with his temper. If he starts it again leave the room. Offer to talk to him about the past but make it clear you expect him to move on. Like you say the positive reinforcement makes a difference really quickly and you have the main ingredients for success: love, intelligence and empathy.

[Thinkalot]

That is a tricky one isn't it - changing yourself, rather than pointing the finger at the other. Getting there.

I know my partner wants me to be more easy going and relaxed, because he always tells me so! "Just calm down, or roll with things" etc. It's hard for me, because I'm not naturally laid back and I really do "Thinkalot"! I can see the benefits for myself and for him when I do relax a little though. And hopefully soon my partner will calm back down and his temper will settle. He certainly want to "untie the knots" inside him!

 

I find it's also so easy to give the same advice to others here at the lshack and so much harder to apply it at home!

[Thinkalot]

Originally posted by meanon

Keep a mental note of this and remember it when you begin to get anxious. It may help to separate issues rather than being overwhelmed by them - yes you can be obsessional about sorting yourself out instead

 

Try and think of the insecurity as your problem, one that your bf can help you with but not one that gets pushed on him to the extent that it stresses him out. Look for the positive in the way he relates to you and take credit for it. Ask for reassurance yes but wait until you can do so in an appropriate way that doesn't make him freak out. Then when you are being calmer it is reasonable to expect him to do the same. Make it clear you will not tolerate being cursed and that he will have to find another way of dealing with his temper. If he starts it again leave the room. Offer to talk to him about the past but make it clear you expect him to move on. Like you say the positive reinforcement makes a difference really quickly and you have the main ingredients for success: love, intelligence and empathy.

 

Thanks for the encouragement and advice. It really does help.

 

I should also say, regarding my partner's swearing at me- this USUALLY happens at the end of a discussion...or when he calls for a "time out" or "please no more", and I continue to push for conversation. I find it very hard to drop things and walk away, especially if told to do so in an aggressive way, because my bf is frustrated. It's normally when I wont leave him alone, that he ends of swearing at me to go away from him. I emotionally and physically "chase" him. I've read about it in books. He then gets angry and cold and withdraws. We are aware of this pattern, but obviously not always able to nip it in the bud. I usually end up in tears at that point, which doesn't help. Lately, there's been the odd time where he has sworn and it seems unjustified. He is then sorry and says he is just so tense, because for so long, we've been volatile and up and down. That's when he says he hates being that way, and that it's not really who he is and he wants us to improve and relax. Which I agree with, because it was never like that before.

 

Boy, nothing like admitting one's own faults and foibles here for all to read! It's a relief.

[meanon]

Yes I remember realising that chasing my then bf round the house to continue argument was not a good idea

 

Given that he needs some space to feel less stress and that this will have an immediate positive effect on you, I suggest trying to deal with it through discussion with friends/LS rather than him - at least try it for a while and see how it goes. It worked for me. You could really do with talking about the feelings that caused the immediate crisis and how you can change them. Good luck - feel free to PM me anytime (but going to bed now as it is 3am here)!!!!

[Thinkalot]

Thanks again! (it's 2pm here!! )

[AprilFool]

Quick tip that's really working for me. WWJD? What WOULD Jesus do? Well, first off, he loves unconditionally. And he forgives instantly. Therefore, when my husband snaps at me, I've been trying to quickly forgive, and not mope around all day mad at him for snapping at me. He's usually not mad at me when he snaps, I'm just the only person there to snap at. I know it's not good to be a doormat, but I don't feel like one. I feel great! I get to be the good one who is loving, forgiving, and caring, and he gets to be the mean one who has to feel guilty every time he's a jerk.

 

Let me add here that when I first decided to start practicing this type of behavior, I was all ready to do a lot of crying since I was the one forgiving for everything. I was VERY VERY suprised when being forgiving made me feel so good! I couldn't figure out why letting someone by with being rude at times felt good, until I remembered that we are supposed to be like Christ.

 

Just look at it this way. If you snapped at your boyfriend, and he responded by not snapping back, then five minutes later, he walks by, gives you a kiss on the cheek, and says, "I love you." Would that start a fight? I didn't think so. Would you feel bad? I thought so

 

Example:

 

My husband forgot to turn his alarm clock on. When he woke up an hour late, he flipped out. He opened his shirt drawer, yanked out a shirt, and slammed it shut. He opened his sock drawer, yanked out some socks, and slammed it shut.

 

I don't like him being angry, and it makes me mad when he acts like that, but I reminded myself that his tantrum had nothing to do with me.

 

I was laying there, trying to think of how I could make it better for him, so I figured that if he didn't have to walk all the way to the bedroom to kiss me goodbye, it would save him a second or two. So I drug myself out of bed, found him walking out of the bathroom, and said, "I love you, kiss me goodbye." He said, "Move." and walked on by.

 

It hurt my feelings at first. He shouldn't have done that, but he did, so oh well....I could get mad, storm back to bed and not kiss him goodbye, and make his day and mine a whole lot worse, or I could just forgive and forget, and realize that his attitude has nothing to do with me.

 

A couple of minutes later, I found him in the living room tying his shoes. I stood in the hall watching him, and he looked at me, and said, "What?" I said, "I just love you." He said, "I love you too." I blew him a kiss, and he got up and walked over to me, and gave me a big hug and kiss.

 

I went back to bed very happy.

 

Yes, he was rude to me, and he shouldn't have been, but a person needs to pick their battles. I figured that if I chose to fight this battle, we'd both end up losing.

 

My husband came home that evening in a very good mood, and apologized for being rude to me. See? By letting it go, I won.

 

Maybe by choseing "not to be a doormat" you're really fighting when you should just be loving. I decided that my husband needed love an understanding. He was going to be late for work, and he was upset that he was not only going to get in trouble, but that he was going to be an hour later getting home to me that evening. He was upset! He didn't need his nagging wife feeling sorry for herself, and being angry at him.

 

Maybe when he's venting, don't take it personally, like I did for sooooo long. Instead, use your head and think of what might really be bothering him. By starting a fight with him, you just make things worse, but by trying to be there for him you make him love you more.

 

Just my two cents....and two cents ain't worth a lot

[Thinkalot]

Thanks April. Great advice! I have done similar and found it works for me too. I let something go, and then eventually my partner comes to me and does something nice and says sorry, and I can't believe how easy it is!

 

I will try to do that more and more often. I do in fact, remember advising you to do something similar and was hoping you might post here, with your insights, given some of our similarities! Thanks. Some things are just harder to always remember to put into practice.

 

Last night when I got home, my bf had written out a list of the reasons he loves me, and was really sweet and nice and loving. He told me he still knows I am the one for him, and wants things to work and wants to try. I felt/feel so much love for him.

 

He even asked me to email him this thread, so he could read the advice here (and I guess also know my feelings). I was hesitant at first, but I think it can't do any harm. I have not said anything here, I have not already discussed with him! And it's great he wants to try so much.

 

I feel so much happier and lighter when things are like this. I do however still have the nagging questions about the past come up from time to time.

 

To anyone else who has experienced this HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE TILL THESE INSECURE THOUGHTS STOP COMPLETELY? I mean, they happen less and I don't voice them all the time now, and manage to get over them fairly quickly, so it does not cause problems, as before.

 

But it still bothers me, that when things are going well, I usually find SOMETHING to worry about, or start wondering about some irrelevant part of my bf's past (eg...how did he and his wife spend their Christmases...how did they share their family time?....That's something we've touched on briefly, but it's like I want ALL the details....why? I don't really know. Rationally I understand it is irrelevant today, and can usually talk myself around, but still....I wish I didnt ever go there in the first place!)

 

I hope as we grow calmer in our love and I grow in my own strength as an individual person again, the fears/questions etc will gradually subside away to nothing. I guess it takes time to heal these things.

[meanon]

it still bothers me, that when things are going well, I usually find SOMETHING to worry about, or start wondering about some irrelevant part of my bf's past

Why would you look for something to prove your relationship is not great when all the evidence is that it is fine? I don't know but suspect that it involves:

 

a) a subconscious fear that you are not worthy of such love so any reason no matter how spurious seems more likely than that he would love you as you love him (e.g. xmas with ex was better and when he realises this he'll be off!). You are doing all the right things but if you want to try something new I'll PM you details of a book used by professionals and for self help alike on overcoming low self esteem.

 

or b) you are so happy that the prospect that it may one day end gets in the way of enjoying the here and now. If this rings a bell two things may help - working on dealing with your feelings about the possible end of the relationship and recognising/accepting that this is an issue of control - you can't exercise it over another human being or your shared future.

[Thinkalot]

To be honest meanon, I think it's a bit of both. Finding it hard to believe he could actually be happier in the here and now with me, than he was in the past. And also, feeling very happy myself, and therefore frightened of being too vulnerable and ending up being hurt, or in pain.

 

I think I have become aware of these things in the past, and am trying to remedy them. The healing IS happening, but not at lightening speed! Some days i feel so confident and sure and happy, I think I must have turned the corner for good , only to feel a little demoralised when the thoughts creep back in the next day, and so on .

 

I am going to reflect on what would happen if it did end, as you suggest. I would of course cope and be OK. And then I'll continue trying to enjoy it for what it is. Something I've been working on, but obviously something I need to continue to do, just as I need to continue bolstering my belief in myself.

 

All the counselling and reading has been helping...I suppose I was just hoping I would be "completely cured" by now! I have a good understanding of what is going on however, that in itself is a good thing, as is knowing how to cope and overcome things.

 

Any book details pm'd to me would be appreciated.

 

Thanks very much for the continued support. This helps me a lot and keeps me on track

[AprilFool]

It's frightening. We worry constantly about things that don't matter!

 

Example: Before I met my husband, he slept with a girl in his bed. When we got married and I moved in with him, I wanted him to get a new bed! His bed was practially new, and it's sooooooooooo comfy. I finally decided to make him flip the mattress over, so at least I wouldn't have to be with him on the same side as she was on. He told me that she was so bad that half way through he just stoppedr....so it's not like she was better than me or anything. Needless to say, we changed the bed dressings to my bed dressings....I wasn't going to be with him in a room that even looked like the one she was in.

 

Talk about obsessive! The mere thought of sleeping where he's been with someone else made me uncomfortable. Did it matter? NO!!! Just another example of how I can't let the past go. If I think about it, it STILL bothers me! It's rediculous

 

Trust me, girl, I know where you're coming from. I don't know if it ever will get better for either of us

 

Just try to focus on the positive. That's the only thing that works for me. I'm trying to quit looking for trouble....like looking at the history on our computer, etc. I'm trying to force myself into thinking that he loves me unconditionally, instead of thinking that something is better to him that me.

 

Good luck! We're gonna need it.

[Thinkalot]

Thanks again April. I can relate to you well. I was pleased when I found out that my bf had bought a new bed just before we met, and that noone else had slept in it with him!

 

I am finding that the more I exercise control over my mind, and the demon thoughts about the past, and really replace them with positive thoughts and think about how good it is today etc, the easier it is to do the next time something happens. So I guess, it is getting steadily better. I just wish it wouldn't take so long! I used to wallow in the obsessive thoughts, until they would control my whole day and things would be all out of perspective. I don't go there anymore to that extent. It is too unhealthy, and my relationship would die.

 

The more we think about the positive, the more positive there is! It really is all linked. The more we worry, the more there is to worry about, because the worry causes problems! Having an understanding of why, and what is happening also helps.

 

I'm still trying to practice good listening, patience and being more giving too, as everyone has suggested, and it definately helps. Plus, talking on here, instead of hitting my bf with too much seriousness.

 

Our relationship seems to have calmed down again this week, so here's hoping it stays a little more even keel.

 

I hope the same for you April..good on you for not checking the computer...that takes self control too.