When he doesnt call when he says he will..smart move to approach this situation?

[SDSJ]

Hello

 

Just a quick thread, I'm sure we have all been on either side, be it the girl expecting a call or the guy who doesnt call. When a guy you start dating tells you he will call you , text you later and he doesnt.

It happens once, and you think , that's fine we have known each other for a week.. but then it happens twice and three times...

I'm in this situation and I want to approach the situation without having to say" Hey where were you last night" or having to nag , Im just not that kind of girl.... However I want to set my boundary and let him know that a situation like that doesnt make the cut for me...without sounding bitchy..

Any ideas what should my next move be?

My date is doing this, and I know for sure he HAS a minute to say hi ...is it too rude to cut him off..?

[jerseyboy]

"One of my big turn offs are inconsiderate people, especially those who say thye will do somethng and not follow through."

 

Thats what I would say. Its not accusatory, and at the same time clearly establishes an expectation of his behavior if he wishes to pursue you.

[D-Lish]

I am assuming you haven't known him too long?

 

I wouldn't nag- I wouldn't mention anything about it at all.

I also wouldn't return his follow up text or call the next day.

 

I am hoping when he says he will text and doesn't, that you don't send him a text...? Never do that!

 

If he says he is going to contact you and then doesn't- the best way to sort it out is to ignore him when he texts you the next day. Not for good- but enough of a cold shoulder to let him know you have better things to do than wait around for him.

 

You have to establish a boundary through actions at this point, as nagging never goes over well.

 

He needs to get the message that you have better things to do than wait for his contact.

[Thornton]

Ifa guy doesn't call, or doesn't reply to your emails and texts etc, he probably isn't that interested in you. If he really liked you he'd want to keep the contact going and avoid turning you off by being unavailable. Not bothering to contact you says loud and clear that he doesn't really care and other things are more important. Even the busiest person can find a minute for a text if they really want to.

[SDSJ]

Thanks for your reply..yes I have bene talking to him for about three weeks now!

He did that last Friday and never called me, then on Saturday he texted me and I ignored him all day until he called at night. I didnt pick up and he called again so I finally picked up and said hey sorry I have been busy rock climbing with my friends.

Ok...I thought he would understand... apparently he is doing the same thing again.

Im wondering maybe he just wants something casual..maybe thats why he doesnt seem to care that much or he will think "ok she is cool with me dissapearing" I call her and she is still happy" .. I dont want that extreme either.

I will never ever send a text or call.. that I won't that's why I was wondering whether at this point some verbal communication of "if you want me , dont do that or Im out".....

[New Again]

The best way to let him know his behavior sucks and is unacceptable is to just ignore him.

[SDSJ]

The best way to let him know his behavior sucks and is unacceptable is to just ignore him.

 

That's my issue... for ever..?

SO tomorrow I just dont pick up or reply to his texts . and then he will insist at night......so long can a girl do this for, wouldnt that be playing a game at this point ?

[New Again]

That's my issue... for ever..?

SO tomorrow I just dont pick up or reply to his texts . and then he will insist at night......so long can a girl do this for, wouldnt that be playing a game at this point ?

That's up to you. Personally, at this early stage I would be so turned off by this behavior that for me, it would be forever. *[Disclaimer: I dated a guy who did this in hs (for almost a year!!) and as a result I associate this behavior with much more deep rooted issues, like being a lazy, self-absorbed piece of crap who always plays the victim and can't take responsibility for himself or his actions.]*

 

If you don't want to never speak to him again, others gave you good advice.

 

I would probably just ignore him for awhile, and then when he gets really persistent ("oh crap she's busting me on my ****ty behavior") I would answer, saying something along the lines of "Oh hey, since I was expecting you to call at X time I made time then to speak with you, but when you didn't call I blah blah blah, and actually I'm really busy right now, I'll call you later, bye." (This should be delivered in a happy, upbeat, positive tone of voice - you're not bitching at him - no! You're happy to hear from him, but you're busy!! It doesn't bother you that he doesn't call when he says he will, because you have too many other things going on in your life to be so concerned. You don't want him to think you're sitting around fuming or dwelling because he didn't call when he said he did - he certainly wasn't hanging around waiting to talk to you - nope, he was out living life. And then, you should go out and live life and not make him so important )

 

Call it game-playing if you want; I call it demanding respect (actions speak louder than words - hence your actions demand respect, rather than nagging him with meaningless words - SHOW him you are serious).

Edited November 24, 2009 by New Again

[SDSJ]

I got a funny feeling that he wont insist for long... dont ask me why..

But yeah..somethign funny happened too.

We were supposed to meet yesterday and I couldnt go coz i was sick, so we re scheduled and today we texted and he told me yesterday it was his bday!

But I didnt say anything because I thoguht it was some other day this week.. but we talked and he seemed fine and he even joked about my bad memory and asked me to make up for it.

Then he told me today his friends are taking him out...

I find it fishy that he never even hinted that it was his bday...only once..

So damn weird..Im just thinking as I write..

If you date a girl, wouldnt you want her to know you want to celebrate with her ?

And no he is not doing this because I "forgot" his bday.. he only told me my bday is three weeks from now.. he has never been consistent ..

Edited November 24, 2009 by SDSJ

[New Again]

I got a funny feeling that he wont insist for long... dont ask me why..

.

Then he wasn't really interested...which is kind of what I'm sensing anyways, since he says he'll call and then doesn't....

 

As far as the bday thing, I don't really know your dynamic, but you said you two have only been talking for three weeks? At that stage, no I wouldn't want to celebrate my bday with a girl I was "dating." I would want to celebrate it with my friends, and not worry about entertaining my "date" or introducing her to my friends or whatever.

[SDSJ]

In regards to the bday topic..

First Point understood..No he doesnt want to bring me along with him, is his bday, he will chill with the guys, I dont want to be one of his buddies..

BUT I would have mentioned something and would have want to spend time with that person Im getting to know..... he would have told me Im part of the whole picture..

 

I just kinda feel like telling him.. "dont bother after tonight , you know why"

[2sunny]

seems like he's putting more effort into NOT seeing you than he is just getting together.

 

i wouldn't bother with him - his actions tell you he has priorities for his time that are bigger than you.

 

maybe even sending him a text that states that - then he knows not to contact you further.

[Thornton]

I associate this behavior with much more deep rooted issues, like being a lazy, self-absorbed piece of crap who always plays the victim and can't take responsibility for himself or his actions.

 

Very true! I feel like I'm being impolite if someone has made the effort to contact me and I don't respond, even just to say "I'm busy right now but will reply properly later". I never have emails sitting unreplied for more than 24 hours, unless there's a serious emergency or I need time to write a very long reply, and a text only takes a minute. That's why I can't understand people who take days to reply to an email or text, it just smacks of laziness and lack of politeness to me.

[SDSJ]

"Who always plays the victim" thats true..I recall on saturday when I ignored him the whole day he said..well next time even if you aer doing suff you can still use your fingers t text message. And I said" excuse me same to you" and he said, yeah I do that thast why I called you today. Then I said you didnt call me yesterday when you said you would , and he just responded that he was busy with work...

 

I just start to see more and more with this conversations..

 

To that post that says that he is trying more to NOT see me... I can see it now with thw whole I'm busy with work excuse.

[Kamille]

How old are you both and has the subject of relationships been broached? Do you know if he wants to date just casually or is he looking for that special someone?

 

Because see, my advice differs greatly from the advice given so far. You're a rational human being with reasonable expectations (that your date will follow up on his words). So, yes, I would bring up the subject. I would say something like: 'when you say you will call, I do find myself expecting you will call and disappointed when you don't'. A relationship material kind of guy will be able to handle this conversation gracefully and will take your feelings in consideration. If, however, a guy turns this into an issue or makes you feel needy when you bring it up, then he isn't relationship material. Ditto if the behavior doesn't change after you've told him how it makes you feel.

 

Basically, treat your date with the dignity and respect you would give your future husband. If he doesn't respond well to that, then you're not a match.

[SDSJ]

We are 25 and the subject hasnt been brought up... thought it was too early to bring it up.

I just plan on dating, healthy dating, seeing each other, communicating and I think time will tell me if he is being genuine or not....

And I think time is already speaking on its own..

I dont think I can treat everyone with the same dignity as my future husband if he doesnt treat me with the dignity of his future wife....I would just say I have to communicate the way I feel.

Maybe I should bring up the topic, I kinda hinted it on the weekend and his response was" busy with work"... that tells me whats to follow I think.

At this point I dont even think I want to talk to him anymore...I dont feel special

And im just in a tiny bit of denial, I thought he was a good guy.

[New Again]

It sounds like way too much drama and bickering is going on for only having been seeing each other for three weeks....

[Kamille]

I dont think I can treat everyone with the same dignity as my future husband if he doesnt treat me with the dignity of his future wife....I would just say I have to communicate the way I feel.

 

By saying you should treat the guys you date with dignity and respect, I meant that you should communicate with them when you have an issue. Don't play games or infer things from his actions without verifying it with him. Communicate. Let him know his behavior bothers you before you throw in the towel.

 

 

That's what I do and I find it helps me not waste my time on guys who aren't capable of healthy relationships. If they can't handle discussing a minor problem then they're not worth my time.

[SDSJ]

Kamille I agree with what you are saying about communication , I think that makes more sense now.

Yes, we have to be able to tell others, a guy, how we feel, we have our opinion regardless.

And yes the way he responds will dictate if he was relationship material or not.

 

By the way, last night he didn't call me and today I havent heard from him at all....

[SDSJ]

A quick update for everyone... and please enlighten me.

So he texted me two days after he said he would call and then i ignored the text all day, I wa sbusy at work and I didnt make an effort to reply back when he ignored me for one day.

So he started calling me nons top, when I got home he called me with a private numnber anf of course I picked up ...

He caught me off guard and then he said.. sounding completely nervous.. and I MEAN completely nervous .. where have you been?

I said I have been at work and school and he just started to say things like oh I must have done good in my test because Im so smart and confident.. and a whole bunch of "compliment" stuff.

Then he said he wanted to see me today..!

But yesterday he was in my work area and he texted me aasking me out for a coffee but I was already on my way home so I said I couldnt but we are on for today.

So today he texted me and said he has been so busy studyng and has been thinking of us cooking together and thne he mentioned I will buy some wine and we will have a good time.

 

Please enlighten me and tell me if im overthinkinhg this... but do you think he only wnats "that".

However I do want to set my boundaries and somehow bring up to the topic and set my boundaries... basically where is this going? But I dont want to scare him off.

He confuses me becuase he seems to want to see me, he texts me but there is no real pattern of phone calls, ands such...

 

What should I do tonight...?

[InspiredbyYou]

Any ideas what should my next move be?

 

 

Yup, cut him off. He doesn't respect you and is only mildly interested in you unfortunately.

 

You don't need that!!

 

Edit:

 

I just read your update. I insist CUT HIM OFF. He is playing games. Typical, wants you when he thinks you are moving on and doesn't when he has you.

[SDSJ]

Meaning Im still on time.. to pull an "Im busy and working late, sorry wont be able to make it" excuse?

 

.............

[InspiredbyYou]

ABSOLUTELY!!!

 

 

Look he texts you last minute to ask you out for coffee then and there, and if you are not available you have blown your chance at getting to see him!?!? The guy is making the least amount of effort to see you. I would stop seeing him altogether, no matter how cute, how great and how sexy he is. That would be a MAJOR turn off for me. Don't make excuses for him, he is not respecting you, cut him loose. He'll either learn to treat you better or get lost, in either case you will be better off.

[Kamille]

A quick update for everyone... and please enlighten me.

So he texted me two days after he said he would call and then i ignored the text all day, I wa sbusy at work and I didnt make an effort to reply back when he ignored me for one day.

So he started calling me nons top, when I got home he called me with a private numnber anf of course I picked up ...

He caught me off guard and then he said.. sounding completely nervous.. and I MEAN completely nervous .. where have you been?

I said I have been at work and school and he just started to say things like oh I must have done good in my test because Im so smart and confident.. and a whole bunch of "compliment" stuff.

Then he said he wanted to see me today..!

But yesterday he was in my work area and he texted me aasking me out for a coffee but I was already on my way home so I said I couldnt but we are on for today.

So today he texted me and said he has been so busy studyng and has been thinking of us cooking together and thne he mentioned I will buy some wine and we will have a good time.

 

Please enlighten me and tell me if im overthinkinhg this... but do you think he only wnats "that".

However I do want to set my boundaries and somehow bring up to the topic and set my boundaries... basically where is this going? But I dont want to scare him off.

He confuses me becuase he seems to want to see me, he texts me but there is no real pattern of phone calls, ands such...

 

What should I do tonight...?

 

I don't know what you ended up doing but one thing is clear: you aren't comfortable with the idea of an intimate dinner just yet - and with reason. Clearly, this guy has yet to gain your trust. I would simply tell him exactly that: saying thanks for the invitation, it sounds lovely but I don't think we've reached that point in our relationship. Then I would suggest an alternate public plan (perhaps a dinner in a nice cozy pub).

 

That's one way to assert your boundaries without putting him on trial. Also, it's honest.

[mortensorchid]

Based on your lead in to this thread, I wasn't sure if you were talking about one person or several, as you said it happened three times. But now after reading this other responses, I say too to just forget him. He doesn't seem very considerate of your feelings.