Should I stay or should I go...

[Sage]

Hi - I really need your thoughts on this. I am 25 and have been best friends with a man for seven years. We have been in a romantic relationship for the last two years and it is just incredible. He has moved in with me and I love every minute we are together - we are always laughing and have so much in common and never fight! The combination of best friends and lovers is unbeatable.

 

BUT (and you knew one was coming!) he is not my "boyfriend". He can't say it. If someone asked if he had a girlfriend he would say no! He says he doesn't want a commitment although shows me everyday that he does! He is not with anyone else, spends all his free time with me, is constantly telling me how amazing I am and makes a lot of references to the future. When I tell him I want him to "commit" and refer to me as his girlfriend, he says he doesn't feel like it, he's not ready. He says (I don't know if this is possible) that it will just "click" one day and then he will feel like he wants to and then commit. There are a couple reasons he has given me that he doesn't do it now: one, if he does say I'm his girlfriend just to make me happy, what will that lead to? In a couple years I'll be wanting marriage and will he have to do that to make me happy as well? Two, he says that he has hurt his past "girlfriends" (they weren't really his "girlfriend" either, he has NEVER had one - and he left his last "relationship" of two years for me) very badly where they were crying uncontrollably, depressed, suicidal. He says doesn't want to, but there is a chance he might meet somebody and doesn't want to hurt me or ruin our friendship. But isn't that a chance everyone takes - even in a marriage? There are never any guarantees.

 

I have assured him that I'm not thinking of marriage - why is he thinking so far ahead? I'm not thinking of anything except how good it feels to be together and I want it to be REAL.

 

Mostly his reasoning is that he doesn't feel like it. I don't understand. If he has committed his time and energy to me - what is that piece missing that will make him want to say I'm his girlfriend? Do you just all of a sudden feel that this is the person you want and you will never want anyone else? Is that something that will just happen?

 

I want this to work. I cannot imagine my life without him, I've never had such a great relationship. His past relationships dictate otherwise, I know, but I really think this could have a future as I have seen him mature so much in the past two years. He used to not be able to talk about how he feels or give a compliment but now opens up a lot more. I am the ONLY person trusts. By not committing, is he trying to keep himself safe? What, if anything, can help a man show more emotion? He is coming from a childhood where no emotion was shown, he's never heard either of his parents tell him they love him!!! Do I need to be patient? When I told him that this situation makes me feel as if there is something wrong with me, and that I need more, he accused me of trying to change him. He said that this is how he likes it and and it's what he feels if I don't like it then maybe I am not in the right relationship. He's not trying to be mean, he is saying this is the way it is so I have to choose what's best for me.

 

It seems that I am not getting what I want and I should leave, right? But I am getting everything I want in every other way. I am worried that he respects me less knowing that I am not getting exactly what I want...and I still stay. Is it settling? Is he getting his cake and eating it too? My friends think so...but I KNOW this goes deeper than some guy who doesn't want to commit just so he can screw around. Do I need to leave to find out how much he cares? I am so happy with this relationship - when I just live in it and don't think or talk about it. A label shouldn't matter, right?

 

I am tired of struggling with this. For the last month I've really been thinking about it - I want to make a decision and stick with it and not look back. Do I accept it, stay and enjoy the wonderful times we have together? Or do I leave on principal - he's not ready to voice a commitment and I want that - and be absolutely miserable without him.

[Tony T]

It sounds to me like you've got a great relationship, a wonderful committment, a truly sincere man and everything else you could possibly want. Your relatinship has lasted ions longer than many relationships with a formalized committment. I mean, you have it great.

 

He is being faithful to you, he makes you happy, you laugh together and have fun. You say marriage is not that important to you at this time. So why is it necessary for you to receive a proclamation if he doesn't want that.

 

It sounds like he has a real phobia of formalized committment. But let me tell you, your relationship is so much better and closer than many committed relationships.

 

His problem with verbalizing and formalizing relationships surely stems from the dysfunctional childhood you mentioned in your post. There were no feelings or emotions expressed in his childhood so he is hard pressed to go there as an adult. Likely he sustained extensive emotional and possibly some physical abuse as a child, which doesn't help matters a lot. Unless he engages in long-term counselling to heal the wounds of his past, it is highly unlikely he will ever change all the days of his life.

 

If it's all that important to you, then you just have to go find a guy who will give you that. To force another human being to do anything is to seek to control and is usually not acceptable to most sane adults. He may resist your demands for committment even more because of what he went through as a child.

 

Either appreciate the great thing you have or leave. If you are thinking about the future and want to be with a guy who is committment and marriage-minded, you are obviously with the wrong guy.

 

You have the facts. You know what to do.

[tangerine]

Wow. Its funny how every relationship seems to have that big "BUT" it, no matter how good it may seem. My first response is to say, stay with him! The happiness you have with him and the combination of love AND friendship seems to be something few people have these days. However, I try to put myself in your shoes and the thought of a man who wouldn't even call me his "girlfriend" although we were lovers and lived together, makes me very uncomfortable. I dont know that I could handle that. But who am I to say. I am in an unhappy relationship, myself (see "am i stupid or what????" posted yesterday, 6/13.) I think basically, you are very lucky to be in a relationship where you find such happiness. It could be much, much worse. If the two of you are truly soulmates and love each other and you stick it out for the long haul, I have a feeling love will find a way. Just beware of any indication that he might be getting "bored" with you or you may eventually find yourself in the same position as the "girlfriend" that he dumped to be with you.

I am 25 and have been best friends with a man for seven years. We have been in a romantic relationship for the last two years and it is just incredible. He has moved in with me and I love every minute we are together - we are always laughing and have so much in common and never fight! The combination of best friends and lovers is unbeatable. BUT (and you knew one was coming!) he is not my "boyfriend". He can't say it. If someone asked if he had a girlfriend he would say no! He says he doesn't want a commitment although shows me everyday that he does! He is not with anyone else, spends all his free time with me, is constantly telling me how amazing I am and makes a lot of references to the future. When I tell him I want him to "commit" and refer to me as his girlfriend, he says he doesn't feel like it, he's not ready. He says (I don't know if this is possible) that it will just "click" one day and then he will feel like he wants to and then commit. There are a couple reasons he has given me that he doesn't do it now: one, if he does say I'm his girlfriend just to make me happy, what will that lead to? In a couple years I'll be wanting marriage and will he have to do that to make me happy as well? Two, he says that he has hurt his past "girlfriends" (they weren't really his "girlfriend" either, he has NEVER had one - and he left his last "relationship" of two years for me) very badly where they were crying uncontrollably, depressed, suicidal. He says doesn't want to, but there is a chance he might meet somebody and doesn't want to hurt me or ruin our friendship. But isn't that a chance everyone takes - even in a marriage? There are never any guarantees. I have assured him that I'm not thinking of marriage - why is he thinking so far ahead? I'm not thinking of anything except how good it feels to be together and I want it to be REAL.

 

Mostly his reasoning is that he doesn't feel like it. I don't understand. If he has committed his time and energy to me - what is that piece missing that will make him want to say I'm his girlfriend? Do you just all of a sudden feel that this is the person you want and you will never want anyone else? Is that something that will just happen? I want this to work. I cannot imagine my life without him, I've never had such a great relationship. His past relationships dictate otherwise, I know, but I really think this could have a future as I have seen him mature so much in the past two years. He used to not be able to talk about how he feels or give a compliment but now opens up a lot more. I am the ONLY person trusts. By not committing, is he trying to keep himself safe? What, if anything, can help a man show more emotion? He is coming from a childhood where no emotion was shown, he's never heard either of his parents tell him they love him!!! Do I need to be patient? When I told him that this situation makes me feel as if there is something wrong with me, and that I need more, he accused me of trying to change him. He said that this is how he likes it and and it's what he feels if I don't like it then maybe I am not in the right relationship. He's not trying to be mean, he is saying this is the way it is so I have to choose what's best for me. It seems that I am not getting what I want and I should leave, right? But I am getting everything I want in every other way. I am worried that he respects me less knowing that I am not getting exactly what I want...and I still stay. Is it settling? Is he getting his cake and eating it too? My friends think so...but I KNOW this goes deeper than some guy who doesn't want to commit just so he can screw around. Do I need to leave to find out how much he cares? I am so happy with this relationship - when I just live in it and don't think or talk about it. A label shouldn't matter, right? I am tired of struggling with this. For the last month I've really been thinking about it - I want to make a decision and stick with it and not look back. Do I accept it, stay and enjoy the wonderful times we have together? Or do I leave on principal - he's not ready to voice a commitment and I want that - and be absolutely miserable without him.

[billy the kid]

Sage, this sounds bad, to me it sounds like he doesn't want to commit... well let's talk for a moment, you said you are 25, do you want kids? how long would you feel like you should be in a relationship before you thought about marriage? Sage it's your life and your #1.. so I would say your not getting any younger and your child bearing days are getting shorter, so confront this man with your conserns.. if none of this other stuff matters to you stay with him, but if this other stuff does matter hit the road.. don't forget your#1..

Hi - I really need your thoughts on this. I am 25 and have been best friends with a man for seven years. We have been in a romantic relationship for the last two years and it is just incredible. He has moved in with me and I love every minute we are together - we are always laughing and have so much in common and never fight! The combination of best friends and lovers is unbeatable. BUT (and you knew one was coming!) he is not my "boyfriend". He can't say it. If someone asked if he had a girlfriend he would say no! He says he doesn't want a commitment although shows me everyday that he does! He is not with anyone else, spends all his free time with me, is constantly telling me how amazing I am and makes a lot of references to the future. When I tell him I want him to "commit" and refer to me as his girlfriend, he says he doesn't feel like it, he's not ready. He says (I don't know if this is possible) that it will just "click" one day and then he will feel like he wants to and then commit. There are a couple reasons he has given me that he doesn't do it now: one, if he does say I'm his girlfriend just to make me happy, what will that lead to? In a couple years I'll be wanting marriage and will he have to do that to make me happy as well? Two, he says that he has hurt his past "girlfriends" (they weren't really his "girlfriend" either, he has NEVER had one - and he left his last "relationship" of two years for me) very badly where they were crying uncontrollably, depressed, suicidal. He says doesn't want to, but there is a chance he might meet somebody and doesn't want to hurt me or ruin our friendship. But isn't that a chance everyone takes - even in a marriage? There are never any guarantees. I have assured him that I'm not thinking of marriage - why is he thinking so far ahead? I'm not thinking of anything except how good it feels to be together and I want it to be REAL.

 

Mostly his reasoning is that he doesn't feel like it. I don't understand. If he has committed his time and energy to me - what is that piece missing that will make him want to say I'm his girlfriend? Do you just all of a sudden feel that this is the person you want and you will never want anyone else? Is that something that will just happen? I want this to work. I cannot imagine my life without him, I've never had such a great relationship. His past relationships dictate otherwise, I know, but I really think this could have a future as I have seen him mature so much in the past two years. He used to not be able to talk about how he feels or give a compliment but now opens up a lot more. I am the ONLY person trusts. By not committing, is he trying to keep himself safe? What, if anything, can help a man show more emotion? He is coming from a childhood where no emotion was shown, he's never heard either of his parents tell him they love him!!! Do I need to be patient? When I told him that this situation makes me feel as if there is something wrong with me, and that I need more, he accused me of trying to change him. He said that this is how he likes it and and it's what he feels if I don't like it then maybe I am not in the right relationship. He's not trying to be mean, he is saying this is the way it is so I have to choose what's best for me. It seems that I am not getting what I want and I should leave, right? But I am getting everything I want in every other way. I am worried that he respects me less knowing that I am not getting exactly what I want...and I still stay. Is it settling? Is he getting his cake and eating it too? My friends think so...but I KNOW this goes deeper than some guy who doesn't want to commit just so he can screw around. Do I need to leave to find out how much he cares? I am so happy with this relationship - when I just live in it and don't think or talk about it. A label shouldn't matter, right? I am tired of struggling with this. For the last month I've really been thinking about it - I want to make a decision and stick with it and not look back. Do I accept it, stay and enjoy the wonderful times we have together? Or do I leave on principal - he's not ready to voice a commitment and I want that - and be absolutely miserable without him.

[Lucille]

Sage

 

I know your dilemma as I am in a similar situation. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and he won't even discuss living together. He hints that "maybe one day" he'll suddnely decide to settle down but I'm getting more and more impatient as that day never seems to arrive. This has been going on for over a year now and although I thought I could just hang with it for a while, I really want a commitment and marriage and I'm becoming increasingly dissatisfied and frustrated and this comes out in the form of anger and sulking. Then I start not to like the person I am becoming. I'm starting to realise the cons of being with him are starting to outweigh the pros.

 

If you don't want to make a clear cut decision right now, then just wait around for a while and see what happens, but in the end you have to be happy and get what you want out of life. What you have to do becomes increasingly clear after a while. But I would assume that the guy will never commit and ask myself, could I live with things the way they are forever. It's a big decision so take your time.

 

Good luck.