Anyone ever done a Theraputic Separation?

[citygal16]

Hi GD!

How did your IC go last night? We went to my MC last night and I had a bit of a breakthrough, which was good. All this time, we have been nitpicking over this little issue and that little issue, but we realized that it's not about those things, it's about my H being a true husband to me. Not trying to have his cake (aka go away with groups of single people inc. women on vacations) and eat it too (aka come home to a homecooked meal and my smiling face)... and I think he finally gets it. NOW, the real question is whether or not he can DO that. Be the married man. AND be happy about that. But, in the least, now I know that certain behaviors signify his wanting out of the marriage....and like you, I will not tolerate any back and forth in the New Year. I'm going to France next week, I'm going to enjoy it, and come back in January with a clean slate! If he vacillates, I will be OUT THE DOOR. And hopefully, he really understands that. But time will tell.... won't it?!

 

I'm glad to hear that you are going to do the same thing in the New Year and hopefully, the outcome will go our way. But now I'm starting to think that either way will be the right way, as it really can be that cut and dry. Either our partners want to be married or not. And if not, in my case, I will be just fine and so will you!!

[GoodDad]

Update....Well, things were going better right?... sigh...

 

So after IC last week my wife told me that she her IC gave her this advice to follow as she needed to confront me about something. She said she wasn't going to leave or divorce me, but that she wanted to give me a chance to come clean on something. She asked me if I had been smoking, and said this was my last chance to come clean without major consequences.

 

I came clean as I was sick about it. I had quit for 4 years, quit when she was pregnant with my daughter, but the stress of the whole seperation/divorce had caused me to start smoking again the past few weeks, mostly at work, on break. I would stop and then something would happen regarding the OM or I wrecked my car...all excuses. The worst part was I lied to my wife about it as she had asked me point blank if I was smoking again and I said I wasn't. So I was trying to hide something that is impossible to hide, it stinks, it gets on your clothes. It was stupid to lie, but once I did I kept telling myself I was quitting, I wasn't really smoking again. Or, crap, I had already lied so if I came clean the other times she asked, it would be obvious I had lied. I was in denial...Under normal marital conditions I never lied to her about anything, I don't know what I was thinking on this one... I am an idiot... It just calmed my nerves...

 

Anyway, I havent smoked since that night, so 5 days. I also agreed to see my Dr. about getting Wellbutrin and I did that this morning. Too bad they don't have a pill for stupid...god, what was I thinking lying about this....More to talk about in my own IC I guess..

 

So at first things were better, she was glad she took her counselor's advice and approached me in a non-threatening way and that I was honest, but over the week she has started her spiraling again and pulling away and is now back to contemplating us being done as her trust is gone, etc.

 

So, I have explained to her, I do realize I shouldn't have lied, I really do, I just felt my back was against the wall as she had said if I smoked again she wouldn't want to be with me and with her talking of moving out I thought it would make her leave faster, not that lying probably didn't accomplish the same thing.

 

So now I have done wrong as well. So she says she hasn't lied anymore about her situation with the co-worker and has been completely open with me, but now we have to rebuild trust all over again after spending months getting to this point. She also is back to wanting to move out again on one level so I am waiting for that shoe to drop in January.

 

So I don't know folks. I feel ashamed and guilty and at fault for lying to her about smoking, even though I am doing something about it now. But if she can't get over it, then I guess she can't. I have said all I could about why I did it, but its like every time we make any progress on our marriage one of us, either me or her F's it up...

 

And 2 weeks to go before MC again, they are on vacation for the holidays, so we are just muddling through it badly.

 

We even talked about the OM situation some more. I will post on that on another thread.

 

Take care and Merry X-mas everyone.

 

Not a very proud of himself, GD.....

Edited December 22, 2009 by GoodDad

[citygal16]

Dude. Don't beat yourself up about this! I mean, you were smoking cigarettes for gods sake, not shooting up herione or something! I mean, you're totally right that it was dumb to lie, because cigarette smoke is IMPOSSIBLE to hide... BUT that being said, why should you be living by her rules if she's not even sure she wants to be with you? I would find it VERY hard right now to follow a rule set my husband! She has to understand that. The rules aren't the same right now. And I know smoking is bad, but really, it's a deal breaker?!

 

AND, in addition, it's a bit odd that she spent her IC talking about confronting you about your lying over smoking? There was nothing else that was bothering her that was more important right now? Maybe things aren't so bad if that's what's being drudged up right now! It's such a non-issue!!

 

Regardless, have a great holiday! I'm off to Europe tomorrow morning for the 2 week sojourn. Wish me luck! I'm just going to go and enjoy it and not think about what the future might bring.... try my darndest to live in the now!

[GoodDad]

Hey CG!! Have a fun trip skiing! You deserve it for all the crap you have had to put up with.

 

Thanks for the pep-talk post. You are right. Lying isn't good, but I wasn't chasing the dragon or doing smack. Gotta put it in perspective.

 

But in hindsight I should have just grown a pair and said, yes, the thought of you laughing it up with some other joker drove me back to smoking, deal with it while I deal with it my way.

 

It's part of her entire MO of trying to always find something to blame on me. Believe me, I wasn't perfect in our marriage, but I deserve better than this.

 

I'm not quitting for her, I'm quitting for my daughter and myself. I worked too damned hard to quit for 4 years, to go back to smoking over her.

 

5 smoke free and feeling great. As long as the cold turkey keeps going I will hold on to the wellbutrin but not take it unless I need it.

 

Right now the anger of having every mistake I make thrown back up to me is enough to keep me smoke free.

 

Again, enjoy the 2 weeks off CG, Good luck, live in the moment, my therapist suggested that as well, way too much drama trying to figure out the future which is not calming to the nerves.

 

You are doing great CG and hit the slopes and drink some hot chocolate in the lodge!!!

 

Take care and have fun!

 

GD

[GoodDad]

So we had a really rough night last night as she was spiraling about our marital problems and tried to suck me into the drama.I was late coming home from working late and hitting the gym so I stopped by to get her flowers, and she thought I was avoiding hanging out with her and the kids even though she had had a really rough day. It reminded me our communication still has a ways to go. She got mad at herself and then me, because she realized when I walked in with flowers I did care, but she wanted me not too so she could be mad at me or some crazyness like that. Or so she said, I didn't quite get it though I tried to be understanding even though I was annoyed by that point as well. So it went downhill as she just kept spiralling down into negativity. Nothing I said was right and she kept trying to push me away and pull me in at the same time. She finally ended up hysterical and I just held her and tried to calm things which eventually worked.

 

She keeps asking me if I'm not tired of fighting through this. I told her of course I was, but if I thought it was going to always be like that I wouldn't, but I didn't think it would be. She is so negative. I keep trying to keep positive, but its hard to keep the spirits up. I feel like its a holding pattern while we are off for the holiday's and when work starts back up after New Years it will be back to the problems again. She is trying to push me away so hard sometimes, even she admits that is what she is doing. That she loves and hates me at the same time and and says she doesn't want to leave me because she knows she would regret it, but she is so unhappy, etc and it keeps getting worse. We discussed how I can't make her happy, she has to make herself happy. I think she may need to see someone about depression. I don't know. It's a touchy subject trying to figure out if she really does need that or is just up and down because of our situation.

 

I don't know. Had to come in to work for a bit, but about to get off. Just wanting to put my thoughts into words on here. Its helpful to just get it out sometimes.

 

GD

Edited December 24, 2009 by GoodDad

[JLoves]

Been a while since I posted.. Been away on holiday at the beach with my extended family and kids. Was hard coming back to the BS. I've been thinking of how the other LS'ers who I've been following have been coping though.

 

She keeps asking me if I'm not tired of fighting

through this.

 

I got this line a few times. Ultimately I think W was wanting me to say that I was finished trying so she could walk without accepting any blame. She took my ultimatum as saying 'I'm not fighting for our marriage any more'.

 

We discussed how I can't make her happy, she has to make herself happy.

 

Unfortunately you can talk to her until you are blue in the face.. Until she realises that herself she won't accept it. Really thats what NC is for. They have to work it out by themselves in their own head. (hopefully not too late)

 

Good job on seeing what the smoking represented and deciding to stop for yourself, not for anyone else.

 

Sounds like you are doing ok and making progress even though it doesn't feel like it... Venting on LS is good.. It gives your RL friends a break. (I know thats how I feel anyway)

[GoodDad]

Sigh...

 

You are right Jloves. I have worn out my RL friends. Thank god for LS! Need to vent again...

 

Holidays and New Years were good and we celebrated our 4 year anniversary over the weekend. It went well and we had sex for the first time in 2 weeks. Things seemed to be getting better. Had a good MC session on Monday, but wife still feels that it isn't like it used to be, her love for me and doesn't think it will ever come back, etc. She gets mad at how nice I am to her and how much I care, etc. Counselor said at this point some of this is her, that something inside of her feels she doesn't deserve to be treated well, etc. My wife said, its just she feels I am so nice and then its not going to work out and it isn't right so she feels guilty and mad, etc.

 

We have been doing this for 13 sessions and its gotten better on some levels, there are still so many issues on her side its hard not to lose hope. She also said she feels guilty because she still thinks about being with other people even though she knows its just a fantasy because she is unhappy.

 

So Tuesday night we were having another good day and night. Got intimate again and then something just went really off. We had a really bad fight. She had said lets have sex when I started to go down on her and that she didn't want to do that. That was ok, but during intimacy I got anxious and for some reason forgot and started to go down on her again and she got mad, so I realized she had said she didn't want to do that, so I stopped, and we finished making love, but I could tell she was upset. So we talked and she said she feels I completely disrespected her by going down after she had said she didn't want to and I did it anyway. I apologized and explained I was just anxious, but she spiraled into a state and she got upset about how I didn't listen to her and no apology would suffice. I tried to think about why I did that and talked it through in IC last night and realize it was a control issue and I can work on that. That my wife and I go back and forth on power struggles and control issues and to recognize this and be more direct and communicate better. I just feel like I am walking on eggshells so much lately...

 

So after the issue Tuesday night things got a little better, but my wife must have bottled it because she exploded last night. She told me she thought about it and feels I disrespected her wishes and especially during sex that was a violation of trust and her body. I don't know. I stopped immediately, but I shouldn't have done it. I think our whole situation is so messed up at this point and everything gets blown up to these insane proportions. I am not saying I was right, but I realized immediately I had gotten caught up in the heat of the moment and apologized. I didn't keep pushing on it. I think though at this point she is searching for anything to make her leaving justified, as if it has to be. If she is done she is done, I can't stop her. Which brings us back to control issues again....

 

She also lashed out at me last night saying she realizes that she thought that she wasn't into me as much over my weight issue, but now that Ive lost a ton of weight she thinks it must be me. That smarted, that maybe she didn't want to be with me anymore. She said she is tired of trying and was thinking again we should end it. I didn't beg, but I said I really thought that she was spiraling again and thought we had made a lot of progress even though we have had setbacks. We emailed our MC with some of the weeks issues, but its going downhill fast people. My family thinks she was just trying to get through the holidays and I didn't want to think that, but who knows, something doesn't feel right and it makes me want to see if she started talking to the OM again now that she is back at work after a 2 week break...

 

I know she feels if she was single something could happen there, but I refuse to make this a competition. If she doesn't want to be with me, me begging her to stay isn't going to make me more attractive to her. So I have to focus on our issues and it will either work out or it won't.

 

I try to stay positive as I do still love her and want to work through this for the kids as well, but days like today its hard to be positive about the situation.

 

On the positive note Ive lost another 5 pounds through diet and hitting the gym hard this week and reached another milestone and I have been smoke free over 2 weeks so I think I have kicked that habit as well. I never should have restarted, no matter what the stress I was under.

 

So thats the update, I am sorry to see all the new faces here...

 

Reading up on a few threads and will try to help some others as well.

 

Have a better day than I am having.

 

 

GD

Edited January 8, 2010 by GoodDad

[GoodDad]

Sigh...

 

Havent posted an update in a while. Holidays and New Years were good and we celebrated our 4 year anniversary over the weekend. It went well and we had sex for the first time in 2 weeks. Things seemed to be getting better. Had a good MC session on Monday, but wife still feels that it isn't like it used to be, her love for me and doesn't think it will ever come back, etc. She gets mad at how nice I am to her and how much I care, etc. Counselor said at this point some of this is her, that something inside of her feels she doesn't deserve to be treated well, etc. My wife said, its just she feels I am so nice and then its not going to work out and it isn't right so she feels guilty and mad, etc.

 

We have been doing this for 13 sessions and its gotten better on some levels, there are still so many issues on her side its hard not to lose hope. She also said she feels guilty because she still thinks about being with other people even though she knows its just a fantasy because she is unhappy.

 

So Tuesday night we were having another good day and night. Got intimate again and then something just went really off. We had a really bad fight. She had asked me not to do something and I did it anyway for some reason, which I now realize after this weeks IC that it is me trying to regain control as I feel out of control because of the stress of our marriage crumbling and we came right back to the beginning again. It spiralled up into a its over thing again and was a bad night. It got better, but my wife must have bottled it because she exploded last night. She told me she thought about it and just isn't into me and thought it was the weight issue, but now that Ive lost a ton of weight she thinks it must be me. She said she is tired of trying and was thinking again we should end it. I didn't beg, but I said I really thought that she was spiraling again and thought we had made a lot of progress even though we have had setbacks. We emailed our MC with some of the weeks issues, but its going downhill fast people. My family thinks she was just trying to get through the holidays and I didn't want to think that, but who knows, something doesn't feel right and it makes me want to see if she started talking to the OM again now that she is back at work after a 2 week break...

 

I know she feels if she was single something could happen there, but I refuse to make this a competition. If she doesn't want to be with me, me begging her to stay isn't going to make me more attractive to her. So I have to focus on our issues and it will either work out or it won't.

 

I try to stay positive as I do still love her and want to work through this for the kids as well, but days like today its hard to be positive about the situation.

 

On the positive thought Ive lost another 5 pounds and reached another milestone and I have been smoke free over 2 weeks so I think I have kicked that habit as well. I never should have restarted, no matter what the stress I was under.

 

So thats the update, I am sorry to see all the new faces here...

 

Reading up on a few threads and will try to help some others as well.

 

Have a better day than I am having.

 

 

GD

Edited January 8, 2010 by GoodDad