Really screwed things up

[Annonomous]

My husband and I have been married for 3 years and we have a wonderful daughter together. I have a son from my previous marriage to an lying/cheat. My ex and I eloped (no friends or family present) because all were against our relationship. A month later I was very unhappy but pregnant. I stayed because of my son. When my ex's behavior became abusive I eventually left. I met my current husband during my seperation. He quickly became involved in my and my son's life. I have never really loved him but he was a descent guy and I thought I could grow to love him. I also figured he would provide a stable life for me and my son.

 

At first things were fine. We bought a house, I returned to college, and then decided if we were going to have a child it would be better soon rather than later because the age gap was already pretty significant. While at college I met a guy, also married, and had an instant connection with him. I opted to leave it alone since we were both married and continued my plan to conceive. The problem is since that meeting I feel like I'm living a lie. My husband says he loves me all the time and is wonderful to me, but he's not a good parent to my son who has behavior problems. When I say I love him back I know I'm lying. The sex isn't good either. My daughter is here only because I was fantasizing about the other guy the night I conceived.

 

I honestly don't know what to do. He's a very boring person. I ask him to do things together and he always says no. I'm unhappy, yet I don't want to be divorced again. I feel so stuck and so confused. I should add he was laid off in April and has worked irratically since then. His parents are paying our mortgage. I quit my job to become a stay home mom, and haven't had much luck finding a job either. I feel like God is laughing at me for choosing security by removing our security.

 

My life is a mess, and I don't know how to fix it.

[dyermaker]

Maybe instead of conceding the relationship, you should communicate to him what's bothering you. If you told him what you just told complete strangers, I think he'd want to try to please you. Don't convince yourself that you'd be happy with this other guy, that's giving up on what you have now. Understand that you play a role in the relationship as well, and your attitude alone can lead things from boring to exciting. You either want to try, or you don't, but if you want to make what you have work, you need to try to work things out through communication. If you've given up on that, try marriage counseling. I think if you make the effort, your partner will respond.

[Arabess]

Annon,

I personally would rather live in a 'hovel' than share a mansion with a man I don't love. So, saying that, may I add... you are in a rough place!

 

This time though, instead of looking for the next man....why don't you TRY to become financially independent enough to stay single for awhile.....till you know better what qualities in a man you are seeking.

 

It may be hard to find the job just for you.....but if you don't at least TRY.....you will never know your assets or walk in financial freedom!

[Annonomous]

dyermaker and Arabess,

Whenever I try to talk to him he's runs off. He won't listen. Last time I had him in the car alone I finally said the things that were bothering me and he tried to jump out of the car. He doesn't want to listen or understand my feelings. I'm miserable. I try all the time to make things work. I say let's go do this together. We need to spend time as a family. He never feels like doing anything, even family walks. I finally just go alone or not at all. I'm working on getting into a new career but that takes time because I'm tired of working jobs I don't like just to survive. I had no intention of hooking up with a guy right away, it just happened that way. I kept telling him I needed space. I broke up with him for a while but people kept pushing us together and I allowed myself to be ruled by their thoughts and feelings rather than my own.

 

I just wish I knew how to do this without screwing my kids up. I hate how my life has turned out.

[AprilFool]

My husband is difficult to say the least to communicate with also. He did things and said things that I felt like he "shouldn't" do or say. Finally, I realized that hey!!! I married this guy for better or worse, and I promised to love him till death do us part. I realized that I did love him, but he had flaws...*gasp* he was HUMAN!!!

 

I'm not being sarcastic to you...I'm being sarcastic with myself for taking so long to realize that my husband, like yours, has flaws. I've actually come to love some of them.

 

Is there any way that you could just ACCEPT your husband? Could you just put your efforts into not changing him into what would make YOU happy, and accept that he is who he is, you married him, and you are going to love him. Work on that...not him.

 

It sounds like he loves you very much. It also sounds like he is getting depressed, because he senses from you how unhappy you are.

 

My marriage was on a downward spiral, because I wasn't happy, thus I made my husband unhappy. Then, I realized that he is never EVER going to be my "dream husband", but he is darn near close. Therefore, I decided that if he can just love me, then I can just love him. It took him a little while to get used to the idea that I just love him...nothing expected. I don't think he's fully accepted it, yet, but he is a LOT more open with me now. We are also a lot closer. I stopped focusing on what I wanted, and started focusing on him, and how much I love him, and how much better I could be to him, and how good he is too me, and all he does for me (the security) and instead of being disappointed in him when he did something that I felt like he SHOULDN'T do, I just accepted that he is human, and I am going to love him unconditionally.

 

Maybe if you stopped making yourself miserable because he isn't perfect for you, and start appreciating that he isn't all that bad....in fact he's a little bit good, then maybe you could just love him for WHO HE IS.

 

I'm not saying you are the one with the problem. I'm not saying that he is fine, and you need work. What I am saying, is that you've tried to tell him what would make you happy, and since he won't listen, then you just aren't going to get what will make you happy. So just change your mind! Make yourself glad that he likes to stay home, and not go out all the time....be glad he's not out with another woman.

 

Make yourself glad that he's not working full time. At least he's home with you more

 

And for goodness sakes!!! Do NOT fantasize about another man. Get on the internet, and look up some nude models to fantasize about. Subscribe to Playgirl or something. Fantasizing about real people will just make you miserable. Fantasizing about an imaginary man (such as a model) is just....helpful sometimes.

 

Personally, I have fallen so in love with my husband since I have decided to just accept him for who and what he is, and not try to make him into something I want him to be, that I don't have to fantasize about any one else. My human imperfect husband is perfect for me

[toots307]

To April Fool:

 

I am so impressed by your post!! I wish that more people could have your attitude. We seem to be in a society of people that get married for better of for worse but don't actually mean it when they exchange those vows. So many people get married with the attitude 'if this doesn't work, we can always get divorced.' Truth is, we are all human and we all have faults. It's not easy to be in a committed relationship and it's just wonderful to hear that you have figured all of that out and you are now in love and happy with your hubby - GOOD FOR YOU!!

 

Annon, listen to AprilFool - very wise words. God is not laughing at you - perhaps God is trying to lead you to a path of happiness. I am a little concerned that your hubby is suffering from depression though but he will have to help himself with that problem. Pour your heart and soul into him and your children and don't be so concerned with what's WRONG - count the millions of blessings you do have.

 

warm wishes

[Annonomous]

Thanks Aprilfool for your post. That's the first time someone has said to look at the situation that way. I know it would help. I know I've said to him before that on the upside he's spent more time with his daughter most dad's get. I think that helped to lift his spirit. He is a good guy. And you're right I need to appreciate his good qualities more.

 

Thank you. You've given me some great tools, and a lot of hope.