agentsmith Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 (edited) I have known this girl for a number of years now, and have recently realised that I have strong feelings for her and would like to be more than friends. We are pretty good friends, meet up for lunch often and hang out together. I told her how I felt about her, but she said that she was surprised and that she looked at me as a friend and wanted things to remain that way. I really don't know what to do, I sometimes felt that she, too, had some feelings for me but that is obviously not the case. I still meet her often because I don't think I want to stop seeing her completely. I can't avoid her altogether anyway as we have hang out in the same circle. Edited November 24, 2009 by agentsmith Link to post Share on other sites
Yukikazi Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 I have known this girl for a number of years now, and have recently realised that I have strong feelings for her and would like to be more than friends. We are pretty good friends, meet up for lunch often and hang out together. I told her how I felt about her, but she said that she was surprised and that she looked at me as a friend and wanted things to remain that way. I really don't know what to do, I sometimes felt that she, too, had some feelings for me but that is obviously not the case. I still meet her often because I don't think I want to stop seeing her completely. I can't avoid her altogether anyway as we have hang out in the same circle. If you can't cut off contact you will either have to tell her that while you like her.. you can't be just friends with her anymore since you don't wanna be just friends. Dial back the amount of attention you give her.. if you want her to have any chance of realizing what she is about to lose. Its simple dude.. if you want a gf.. she's already told you she doesn't wanna be it. She doesn't see you that way, you're in the friendzone, take your pick. The best way to get over her is to move on and find another girl.. who knows.. seeing you with someone else may bring her around Link to post Share on other sites
Author agentsmith Posted November 24, 2009 Author Share Posted November 24, 2009 I've been dating other women, but not seriously, because it won't be right while I'm so attracted to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 I have known this girl for a number of years now, and have recently realised that I have strong feelings for her and would like to be more than friends. We are pretty good friends, meet up for lunch often and hang out together. I told her how I felt about her, but she said that she was surprised and that she looked at me as a friend and wanted things to remain that way. I really don't know what to do, I sometimes felt that she, too, had some feelings for me but that is obviously not the case. I still meet her often because I don't think I want to stop seeing her completely. I can't avoid her altogether anyway as we have hang out in the same circle. Your first mistake was telling her instead of just progressing it. That makes it awkward and puts her on the spot. Instead you should set up slightly more romantic dates and increase the flirtation and attraction. Eventually, you just have to plant one on her. If she slaps you, then you have your answer. If she kisses back then you're good to go. Start here. You go NC until you get over her. Then reinitiate and proceed as if she's a girl you just met. Flirting, energy, gentle touching and see if she responds. She might. She might not. She's been clear with you. Your best bet is to cut her out of your life until you are over her. If you never get over her you can't be friends. Some people you just can't be friends with because you start to like them. Accept it and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author agentsmith Posted November 24, 2009 Author Share Posted November 24, 2009 Your first mistake was telling her instead of just progressing it. That makes it awkward and puts her on the spot. Instead you should set up slightly more romantic dates and increase the flirtation and attraction. Eventually, you just have to plant one on her. If she slaps you, then you have your answer. If she kisses back then you're good to go. Start here. You go NC until you get over her. Then reinitiate and proceed as if she's a girl you just met. Flirting, energy, gentle touching and see if she responds. She might. She might not. She's been clear with you. Your best bet is to cut her out of your life until you are over her. If you never get over her you can't be friends. Some people you just can't be friends with because you start to like them. Accept it and move on. I only told her because the way she was with me made me think that she felt the same. Even a couple of mutual friends were under the impression that she had feelings for me from the way she was around me. Link to post Share on other sites
ADF Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 She's given you a straight answer. That's all she has to do. She doesn't owe it to you like you as more than a freind, no matter how much you'd like that. We can ask for things in this life, but we have to understand sometimes the answer is "no." Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 I only told her because the way she was with me made me think that she felt the same. Even a couple of mutual friends were under the impression that she had feelings for me from the way she was around me. That's good. You probably just put her on the spot. Don't bring it up again, but keep doing what you're doing and ramp up. If she likes you, she won't object to an arm around the waist, conversational touching, and eventually a kiss. Discussing this will NOT move it forward. Progressing it will. You want to maintain the "vibe" that leads toward a kiss. It sounds like that's already there, so just capitalize on it. As I said earlier, you may have to cut bait for a few weeks and then start over. I went through this situation with a female friend of mine, except I never brought it up. It was months of slow but steady progression and feeling her out. I could tell she was attracted but defensive at the same time, and holding back for some reason. Eventually I got it to the point where I could tell the moment was now or never, but I decided against it because I just didn't see us working out long-term, we were close friends, and I didn't want things to get messy. So I let the moment pass. My point is that it can be done, but you have to know when to walk away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author agentsmith Posted November 24, 2009 Author Share Posted November 24, 2009 I don't know, she's generally upfront about her feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 I don't know, she's generally upfront about her feelings. Judgment call. Stick it out and try to bust through the friend zone, or cut bait and go find someone who's interested? Who knows, maybe after losing touch with you she'll miss you enough that she realizes she should give it a chance? Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 If you progressed things verbally or with actions, she would have shot you down. You think you put her on the spot by telling her? What would it have been like if you made a move? Just as, if not even more, awkward. Phateless, you cannot assume that actions would have made her come around. That is just plain sh*t and will have the OP second guessing himself for life. Plain and simple, not matter what you would have done you would have had the same result. The best advice is to stop talking to her and stop feeding her so much attention. You cannot use the time away from her as time to just sulk over her. You MUST about all other things, get over your feelings for her. You must expect her to never, ever talk to you again. This isn't a game where you disappear and all of a sudden she falls madly in love with you when you make your dramatic re-appearance. This is life, and life rarely works that way. You need to go out and find a new girl, and for God's sakes don't compare her! Just see the new girl for who she is. For now, and 99.9% chance of forever, this current girl has you dead center of the friends zone. The only choice you have is to continue to wallow in the hell of unrequited love, or to pull yourself up and move on with your life with someone new. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted November 24, 2009 Share Posted November 24, 2009 (edited) If you progressed things verbally or with actions, she would have shot you down. You think you put her on the spot by telling her? What would it have been like if you made a move? Just as, if not even more, awkward. Phateless, you cannot assume that actions would have made her come around. That is just plain sh*t and will have the OP second guessing himself for life. Plain and simple, not matter what you would have done you would have had the same result. The best advice is to stop talking to her and stop feeding her so much attention. You cannot use the time away from her as time to just sulk over her. You MUST about all other things, get over your feelings for her. You must expect her to never, ever talk to you again. This isn't a game where you disappear and all of a sudden she falls madly in love with you when you make your dramatic re-appearance. This is life, and life rarely works that way. You need to go out and find a new girl, and for God's sakes don't compare her! Just see the new girl for who she is. For now, and 99.9% chance of forever, this current girl has you dead center of the friends zone. The only choice you have is to continue to wallow in the hell of unrequited love, or to pull yourself up and move on with your life with someone new. Not at all, I'm giving him advice in both directions. Which direction he chooses is up to him. Furthermore, getting shot down offers a sense of closure and makes it much easier to move on. You are 100% right about not sulking. He should use the time away to be productive, better himself, expand his social circle, meet new girls, and try to find someone else. I was merely providing a tactic that MIGHT work if he decides to pursue further. What will leave him wondering is never TRYING to cross that boundary. She might have shot him down and it been more awkward, or she might have kissed him back. You have no idea. I have no idea. He said they hang out all the time and people already say they act like a couple. There's obviously SOMETHING there. I've spent so many years of my life in the friend zone that I know what it looks and feels like. I've also completely reinvented myself into someone that has NO trouble getting girls anymore. Kissing her and getting slapped is far better than wasting another year trying to figure out how to tell her how you feel. Once the new me started getting bold, I didn't get shot down once. Edited November 24, 2009 by Phateless 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 The OP does know the answer. She told him. So even if he had kissed her, or tried, she would have pulled away. He says she is up front about her feelings, so if you can trust that then she is telling him there is no chance. Which is why I am highly doubting that if he had chose actions over words that this situation would have any different outcome. I don't think she would have slapped him, but it would have been awkward at best. What I'm saying is that this isn't something that can be reset in just a few weeks of him pulling away. The only chance this stands is for him to remove himself from her for a long, long time. Re-invent himself, as you Phateless, did for yourself. Then, and only then, may there be the slightest chance. I think these types of situations is where hope is a poisonous pill. Having hope won't allow you to move on, to truly reinvent yourself. Right now, the OP needs to see it for what it IS, not what it may be in some fantasy land. The reality of it is, she told him straight up that she isn't interested that way. If the OP has feelings, it is pointless for him to pursue this any further. To me, there is only one direction he can choose and it is far away from this girl. If he remains in puppy dog mode, it will only get worse until she really puts him down. I do 100% agree with you that given a choice, actions are usually best. If you haven't been flirting, touching, etc and you bring up the feelings talk, then you are in for a shock. There has to be some physical tension there. The time will feel right and if she is really interested, she will not make it confusing for you to act. Things like this are not meant to confuse us. It is the over-thinking, over-analyzing that we've conditioned ourselves to that makes it confusing. Link to post Share on other sites
BobSacamento Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 You can't sit around thinking she will change her mind. You have to accept it and move on. That can mean still being friends or slowly distancing yourself. I wouldn't blame yourself. It sounds like she's flirtatious without even knowing it. Women will do this and say "Tee hee I'm just being myself." Which screams I am an attention whore. I guess the question I bring to you - what makes her a good friend? Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 To the OP she's just not into you! do not waste your valuable time wasting your time and emotions! She isnt worth it! Link to post Share on other sites
mr.dream merchant Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 Yeah she just seems like a flirt/tease. If she told you she doesn't see you that way then there's nothing more to be said or done. If you have feelings stronger than friendship for her, you gotta distance yourself from her. She'll probably wonder why you haven't been feeding her all the attention you were before, and when she asks you just that, you'll have all the evidence you need of her being an attention craving individual - probably someone you wouldn't want to be with in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 I only told her because the way she was with me made me think that she felt the same. Even a couple of mutual friends were under the impression that she had feelings for me from the way she was around me. I think you did the right thing in telling her. If she liked you she would have those feelings already. Unfortunately she straight up told you she isn't interested so don't waste your time. If you can try and not talk and or see her until you get over these feelings. She sees you as a friend and that's it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author agentsmith Posted November 25, 2009 Author Share Posted November 25, 2009 (edited) I do 100% agree with you that given a choice, actions are usually best. If you haven't been flirting, touching, etc and you bring up the feelings talk, then you are in for a shock. There has to be some physical tension there. The time will feel right and if she is really interested, she will not make it confusing for you to act. Things like this are not meant to confuse us. It is the over-thinking, over-analyzing that we've conditioned ourselves to that makes it confusing. We had been flirting a bit which is one of the reasons I thought that she didn't look at me just as a friend. We had been really close for a while, too. For those who are saying that she may just be an attention whore, she isn't like that. I'm supposed to meet her for lunch today, perhaps I should tell her I won't be able to come, because I'll just feel worse in a way. Edited November 25, 2009 by agentsmith Link to post Share on other sites
james123 Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 stop seeing her, or you will feel worse. nothing sucks as bad as unrequited love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author agentsmith Posted November 25, 2009 Author Share Posted November 25, 2009 I feel terrible when I don't see her, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author agentsmith Posted November 25, 2009 Author Share Posted November 25, 2009 Today I went to have lunch with her again, because I wasn't sure if it would be right to cancel it. Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 Today I went to have lunch with her again, because I wasn't sure if it would be right to cancel it. Quit making excuses, you will get over it. Don't torture yourself...you need no contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Yukikazi Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 Today I went to have lunch with her again, because I wasn't sure if it would be right to cancel it. She has you wrapped around her little finger and dosen't even know it.. and you haven't even dated her yet... Link to post Share on other sites
Author agentsmith Posted November 25, 2009 Author Share Posted November 25, 2009 lol I guess so. She was talking about going to some new restaurant in town on Friday night, but I told her I was busy. Link to post Share on other sites
Yukikazi Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 lol I guess so. She was talking about going to some new restaurant in town on Friday night, but I told her I was busy. Did she actually ask you if you wanted to go or was she just talking about it? Find a girl,, go on a date and let her know descreetly that you are going out on a first date with someone. She will either not care or show a little jealousy.. You have to show her that if she dosen't have interest.. you wont sit there pining and will look elsewhere. girls don't want a puppy.. If you continue to show such devotion.. why should she escalate the relationship anymore? She gets all the benefits of a BF w/o having to sleep with you. Read this http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/but_if_we_started_dating_it? Then tell us how closely you can relate to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author agentsmith Posted November 25, 2009 Author Share Posted November 25, 2009 Did she actually ask you if you wanted to go or was she just talking about it? . She asked me if I wanted to go for dinner there on Friday, and looked a bit upset when I said that I had other stuff to do. Link to post Share on other sites
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