She just sees me as a friend, don't know what to do.

[agentsmith]

I can relate to certain parts in it. She doesn't do things that would make the girls I date jealous, but she never seems to like them.

She never says things like you're like my brother, and she never made excuses like I don't want to ruin our friendship, etc. She just said something like you can do better than me.

She doesn't go on and on about the guys she dates to me, and because of her erratic working hours, doesn't date that often anyway. And she definitely doesn't go around ignoring me while she's dating someone.

Edited November 25, 2009 by agentsmith

[VeveCakes]

I can relate to certain parts in it. She doesn't do things that would make the girls I date jealous, but she never seems to like them.

She never says things like you're like my brother, and she never made excuses like I don't want to ruin our friendship, etc. She just said something like you can do better than me.

She doesn't go on and on about the guys she dates to me, and because of her erratic working hours, doesn't date that often anyway. And she definitely doesn't go around ignoring me while she's dating someone.

 

 

She is leading you on because she likes the attention. You are a sure thing when she needs someone to hang out with. Go out and get a life, this girl is using you.

[carhill]

So, based on historical experience, if that 'other stuff to do' was taking in a new flick (movie) which just came to town, would she join you as a friend? This is one way to suss out the attention whores from women who are true friends. Armed with that kind of information, you can resolve your feelings of attraction and enjoy a healthy friendship, if you so choose. The key is determining whether she is a woman worthy of that friendship.

 

Since she said "that she looked at me as a friend and wanted things to remain that way", her actions should be those of a supportive and enthusiastic friend. Are they? The hard part is avoiding letting your attraction to her color your opinion of that dynamic.

 

NC works great for resolving your feelings and refocusing that energy on receptive women. Best wishes

[agentsmith]

So, based on historical experience, if that 'other stuff to do' was taking in a new flick (movie) which just came to town, would she join you as a friend? This is one way to suss out the attention whores from women who are true friends. Armed with that kind of information, you can resolve your feelings of attraction and enjoy a healthy friendship, if you so choose. The key is determining whether she is a woman worthy of that friendship.

 

Since she said "that she looked at me as a friend and wanted things to remain that way", her actions should be those of a supportive and enthusiastic friend. Are they? The hard part is avoiding letting your attraction to her color your opinion of that dynamic.

 

NC works great for resolving your feelings and refocusing that energy on receptive women. Best wishes

yes, she'd join me if I asked her.

how does that make a difference?

yep, she's really supportive and always there for me. She's generally really caring towards me, I think it was one of the things that attracted me to her in the first place.

 

Just got a call from her asking if I was annoyed with her because I seemed really distant of late.

[carhill]

My advice is to, either with disclosure or without, resolve your feelings and date other women. If you need NC to resolve them, telling her that directly would be my advice. Otherwise, you have failed the friendship test yourself. This is a dynamic which is unique to heterosexual cross-gender friendships.

[agentsmith]

I sometimes feel that I should honestly tell her what I feel, and I know she will understand that I might need to spend some time away from her for a while. I don't know if I can though.

All the posts stating that she comes across as an attention whore just don't ring true of her, and anyone who knows her will agree.

[james123]

I can relate to certain parts in it. She doesn't do things that would make the girls I date jealous, but she never seems to like them.

She never says things like you're like my brother, and she never made excuses like I don't want to ruin our friendship, etc. She just said something like you can do better than me.

She doesn't go on and on about the guys she dates to me, and because of her erratic working hours, doesn't date that often anyway. And she definitely doesn't go around ignoring me while she's dating someone.

 

Well, it's difficult to really predict what's going through her mind.

I've seen things turn out both ways in such a situation.

[carhill]

I sometimes feel that I should honestly tell her what I feel, and I know she will understand that I might need to spend some time away from her for a while. I don't know if I can though.

 

If you can resolve your feelings within the friendship without disclosure, that's one option. However, if you choose to resolve them by going NC, IMO she deserves an explanation because, from your recount, she's done nothing 'wrong' and has been a supportive and consistent friend. Being honest with her says a lot about who you are as a friend.

 

Many options. Good friends are valuable. Choose wisely

[D-Jam]

I say get her drunk and take advantage of her. Guaranteed she'll be trying her hardest to make something work out then. Funny how many girls will try to make a boyfriend out of the guy who does this.

 

From there you treat her like garbage...the more she works to get you to love her, the more you walk all over her. She'll be yours for life!

 

 

 

 

 

Just kidding.

 

I think you should remain friends with her, since she's been honest and upfront with you. Too many times men and women will take kindness as interest, when it's not. You might have seen her kindness to you as interest, but now that it's all out on the table and you have an answer...all you can do is move on.

 

Usually I'll friendzone the girl at this point if I think she's cool to have as a friend. You have to gather up the strength to make your mind and heart let go of her and just keep it as friends. Set boundaries also. Don't let her or any gal pal make you into a halfway boyfriend...where she comes to you for intellectual pursuits and runs to another guy for physical/emotional pursuits.

 

You have to move on. Check out her single friends, date other women, keep it like that. For all you know you might see faults in her later that makes you happy it didn't happen. Lord knows how many women who rejected me turned their lives into a complete mess of drama and such with one jerk to the next...made me think God was looking out for me.

[Phateless]

The OP does know the answer. She told him. So even if he had kissed her, or tried, she would have pulled away. He says she is up front about her feelings, so if you can trust that then she is telling him there is no chance. Which is why I am highly doubting that if he had chose actions over words that this situation would have any different outcome. I don't think she would have slapped him, but it would have been awkward at best.

 

What I'm saying is that this isn't something that can be reset in just a few weeks of him pulling away. The only chance this stands is for him to remove himself from her for a long, long time. Re-invent himself, as you Phateless, did for yourself. Then, and only then, may there be the slightest chance.

 

I think these types of situations is where hope is a poisonous pill. Having hope won't allow you to move on, to truly reinvent yourself. Right now, the OP needs to see it for what it IS, not what it may be in some fantasy land. The reality of it is, she told him straight up that she isn't interested that way. If the OP has feelings, it is pointless for him to pursue this any further. To me, there is only one direction he can choose and it is far away from this girl. If he remains in puppy dog mode, it will only get worse until she really puts him down.

 

I do 100% agree with you that given a choice, actions are usually best. If you haven't been flirting, touching, etc and you bring up the feelings talk, then you are in for a shock. There has to be some physical tension there. The time will feel right and if she is really interested, she will not make it confusing for you to act. Things like this are not meant to confuse us. It is the over-thinking, over-analyzing that we've conditioned ourselves to that makes it confusing.

 

I'm not saying he should hold out hope that she'll come around or anything like that. I'm saying that just because she said no when put on the spot doesn't necessarily mean he's dead in the water.

 

I'm saying he should go down in flames before he goes NC. That way he'll have a DEFINITE answer one way or the other.

 

You can't sit around thinking she will change her mind. You have to accept it and move on. That can mean still being friends or slowly distancing yourself.

 

I wouldn't blame yourself. It sounds like she's flirtatious without even knowing it. Women will do this and say "Tee hee I'm just being myself." Which screams I am an attention whore.

 

I guess the question I bring to you - what makes her a good friend?

 

I agree. Change her MOOD, not her MIND.

[agentsmith]

I'm saying he should go down in flames before he goes NC.

what do you suggest that I should do?

[Phateless]

what do you suggest that I should do?

 

Try the idea of disappearing for a few weeks and then reinitiating contact. Take her on a couple of dates, flirt, build the tension, then make a move. If she shoots you down then you can move on and let it go with no wondering and no regrets. The friendship will survive once you are able to let it go.

 

OR...

 

She'll kiss back.

 

At this point WTF do you have to lose?!

[agentsmith]

Try the idea of disappearing for a few weeks and then reinitiating contact. Take her on a couple of dates, flirt, build the tension, then make a move. If she shoots you down then you can move on and let it go with no wondering and no regrets. The friendship will survive once you are able to let it go.

 

OR...

 

She'll kiss back.

 

At this point WTF do you have to lose?!

disappear?

what do I do? stop attending her calls and replying to texts/emails?

[carhill]

Yes, that is what NC is about. No Contact.

 

Personally, I wouldn't do that with a friend with whom I've had a healthy history, but you'll have to decide whether the risk of losing a friend is worth gaining a romantic partner.

[Phateless]

disappear?

what do I do? stop attending her calls and replying to texts/emails?

 

Yep. Or just back way off and be too busy to see her, so that you barely talk. The point is to "reset" the dynamic of your friendship to neutral so that you can push forward in a different direction (romantic instead of friends) when you start hanging out again.

 

Yes, that is what NC is about. No Contact.

 

Personally, I wouldn't do that with a friend with whom I've had a healthy history, but you'll have to decide whether the risk of losing a friend is worth gaining a romantic partner.

 

Carhill is right, there is a definite risk involved. As someone else asked, is she a true and genuine friend to you, or did you always want more?

[carhill]

As someone else asked, is she a true and genuine friend to you, or did you always want more?

I asked, and his responses indicate to me that she is indeed a genuine friend. He does want more, but that doesn't negate her effort and value as a platonic friend. I've had female friends like that and they've been godsends during parts of my life. Up to him as to how he wants to deal with it. I'd lean towards, at my age, honesty and a request for a break to resolve my feelings. Everyone's different

[agentsmith]

Yep. Or just back way off and be too busy to see her, so that you barely talk. The point is to "reset" the dynamic of your friendship to neutral so that you can push forward in a different direction (romantic instead of friends) when you start hanging out again.

 

 

 

Carhill is right, there is a definite risk involved. As someone else asked, is she a true and genuine friend to you, or did you always want more?

 

 

She's a true and genuine friend. I only started wanting more after a couple of years of knowing her.

[Phateless]

She's a true and genuine friend. I only started wanting more after a couple of years of knowing her.

 

Then don't disappear, but do back off for a while before trying to push it forward again. Continue to meet and date other women to see if you click with anyone else.

 

Next time, don't ask her. Just lead her where you want this to go. She'll stop you if she's not into it. How does she react to cuddling, hugs, flirty/playful touching/teasing, play fighting, etc? What's her body language like? Doe she lean in toward you, does she make heavy eye contact when you talk, etc?

 

Like I said before - change her mood, not her mind.

[carhill]

OP, just so I'm clear, this is what I'm basing my advice on:

 

I told her how I felt about her, but she said that she was surprised and that she looked at me as a friend and wanted things to remain that way.

 

Essentially, any sexual or romantic action by yourself will be a breach of the boundary she set. Depending on her personality, that could mean nothing, or it could mean disconnecting you as a friend. I personally respect such boundaries, when clearly stated.

 

When was the last time she was in a long-term relationship?

[agentsmith]

Then don't disappear, but do back off for a while before trying to push it forward again. Continue to meet and date other women to see if you click with anyone else.

 

Next time, don't ask her. Just lead her where you want this to go. She'll stop you if she's not into it. How does she react to cuddling, hugs, flirty/playful touching/teasing, play fighting, etc? What's her body language like? Doe she lean in toward you, does she make heavy eye contact when you talk, etc?

 

Like I said before - change her mood, not her mind.

 

We tend to flirt a lot, have cuddled but it's rare, and done a bit of touching/teasing/play fighting. She doesn't seem to mind any of it. She has other guy friends too but I'm pretty sure she doesn't do any of this with them. Yes, she makes heavy eye contact when I talk to her.

[Phateless]

OP, just so I'm clear, this is what I'm basing my advice on:

 

 

 

Essentially, any sexual or romantic action by yourself will be a breach of the boundary she set. Depending on her personality, that could mean nothing, or it could mean disconnecting you as a friend. I personally respect such boundaries, when clearly stated.

 

When was the last time she was in a long-term relationship?

 

Agreed. My first post in this thread told him to move on too, but if he's determined to try to bust out of the friend zone, I'll advise him on what would be the most effective way to go about it.

[agentsmith]

 

When was the last time she was in a long-term relationship?

 

It's been ages. She moved here from her home country to do her master's degree and has taken up a job which requires her to work at such odd hours sometimes that she even goes on dates rarely of late.

She hasn't had a serious relationship ever since she moved here.

Edited November 25, 2009 by agentsmith

[carhill]

OK, be clear with yourself that, if you fail, you likely will no longer have a female friend. That's OK, as long as you know the risk and emotionally detach enough to live with it. You essentially must treat her like a stranger you've met and found attractive. Any attempts to manipulate based on 'inside' information you have from being friends will fail you. You can never out-feel a woman, IMO. She has to want the dynamic for it to work in a healthy way. Best wishes

[agentsmith]

that's the problem. I don't want to lose her as a friend, but I also find it really difficult to remain just friends with her. She even asked why I was so distant these days, what could I say..

[Phateless]

We tend to flirt a lot, have cuddled but it's rare, and done a bit of touching/teasing/play fighting. She doesn't seem to mind any of it. She has other guy friends too but I'm pretty sure she doesn't do any of this with them. Yes, she makes heavy eye contact when I talk to her.

 

Sounds like she kinda likes you and might be attracted but is holding back for some reason.

 

that's the problem. I don't want to lose her as a friend, but I also find it really difficult to remain just friends with her. She even asked why I was so distant these days, what could I say..

 

Tell her you've been busy.