aaron12 Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 stop spending time with her so that you can get over her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 I'm seeing words she was surprised and that she looked at me as a friend and wanted things to remain that way and actions We tend to flirt a lot, have cuddled but it's rare, and done a bit of touching/teasing/play fighting. She doesn't seem to mind any of it. She has other guy friends too but I'm pretty sure she doesn't do any of this with them. Yes, she makes heavy eye contact when I talk to her not matching After further consideration, I'd be careful here, especially in light of her lack of LTR history during your time knowing her. Something isn't adding up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author agentsmith Posted November 25, 2009 Author Share Posted November 25, 2009 I'm seeing words and actions not matching After further consideration, I'd be careful here, especially in light of her lack of LTR history during your time knowing her. Something isn't adding up. I know, it's strange. I don't know what to make of it all, what does it look like to you? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 Here's what I think. When she tells you that she's surprised you have feelings for her and then states she wants to only be friends and then subsequently engages in flirtatious and/or pseudo-romantic behaviors, IMO she is disrespecting the friendship because of her ignoral of your feelings. I'd call her on that, especially on the cuddling part. That's not fair. I can tell you with certainty that my platonic female friends and I never 'cuddled' nor did we generally engage in any flirtatious behaviors, other than perhaps some lighthearted male-female banter. Our words and actions matched. I've also had friendships of another sort, including some of the behaviors you've described, and they were, in retrospect, unhealthy. Like a lot of women, she's happy with this arrangement. She has multiple men as 'friends', who flirt with her, cuddle with her and are generally supportive and caring, like yourself. She goes home at the end of the evening, having had what she wants. Are you getting what you want? The other posters can help you with technique, but I'll continue to have doubts as to whether that technique is being spent in a worthwhile manner on this person. Is she compatible in the ways necessary for an intimate relationship, which is what you want? She might be fine as a friend, but there are signs here; pay attention to them. Let us know how it works out... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author agentsmith Posted November 25, 2009 Author Share Posted November 25, 2009 (edited) well, I do know that she had some issues in her past couple of relationships, but I don't know if that could have anything to do with what's going on now, could it? btw, the flirting, cuddling mostly happened before I told her how I felt. she doesn't do all this with her other male friends. I do think we would be compatible as a couple. Edited November 25, 2009 by agentsmith Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 Here's what I think. When she tells you that she's surprised you have feelings for her and then states she wants to only be friends and then subsequently engages in flirtatious and/or pseudo-romantic behaviors, IMO she is disrespecting the friendship because of her ignoral of your feelings. I'd call her on that, especially on the cuddling part. That's not fair. I can tell you with certainty that my platonic female friends and I never 'cuddled' nor did we generally engage in any flirtatious behaviors, other than perhaps some lighthearted male-female banter. Our words and actions matched. I've also had friendships of another sort, including some of the behaviors you've described, and they were, in retrospect, unhealthy. Like a lot of women, she's happy with this arrangement. She has multiple men as 'friends', who flirt with her, cuddle with her and are generally supportive and caring, like yourself. She goes home at the end of the evening, having had what she wants. Are you getting what you want? The other posters can help you with technique, but I'll continue to have doubts as to whether that technique is being spent in a worthwhile manner on this person. Is she compatible in the ways necessary for an intimate relationship, which is what you want? She might be fine as a friend, but there are signs here; pay attention to them. Let us know how it works out... No, no, NO! More talking will only dig you deeper into the friend zone and make you look like a clingy, whiny little boy who's going to make her feel claustrophobic. Everything else, CarHill is right about the rest though. She's getting her needs filled and ignoring yours. Of course she wants the status quo to stay where it is. If she gets cuddly with you and not with other guys, then capitalize on that and push forward. She will backwards rationalize to justify her feelings. When you professed your feelings, that made her uncomfortable and so what she told you was a backwards rationalization of that. Less talk, more action! She'll get the cuddling and emotional intimacy she wants from you when she starts giving you the deeper connection that you want. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 More food for thought: She's 'surprised' that the guy with whom she's been mutually flirting with and cuddling has some 'feelings' for her other than friendship. Once those feelings are disclosed, apparently the flirtation and cuddling stops. She now calls and wonders why you are 'distant'. OP, I'm mentioning these things because I've been guilty of them all and have sent numerous women unhealthy mixed signals. I see it so clearly now, but wasn't even thinking about such things when in the moment. I've also had it done to me, having had many non-romantic female friends. My instinct is, for you, it's better to keep things simple and follow the advice of Phateless and others and stick to techniques of changing her mood. There's a time and place for all this 'deep' stuff and now isn't that time nor place. Pardon a turkey and save a friend Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 Girls don't want to have a conversation about this. They want to be swept off their feet. She wants to tell her friends "the story" about how "it just happened!!" In reality, it didn't "just happen." The guy finally grew some balls and made a freaking move! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 Well, I've done that and lost some good friends too. Ignore what a woman says at your own risk OP. What I learned is that the ones whose words and actions match and where both indicate desire and interest are the ones which are healthy for me. Even amongst those, compatibility rears its ugly head. I've got the deflated bank account and divorce papers to prove it. Sweep her off her feet Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 (edited) well, I do know that she had some issues in her past couple of relationships, but I don't know if that could have anything to do with what's going on now, could it? btw, the flirting, cuddling mostly happened before I told her how I felt. she doesn't do all this with her other male friends. I do think we would be compatible as a couple. It's possible she's just afraid to get burned again. Her actions say that she's interested, but her words indicate that she's holding back for some reason. Don't ask her what reason is directly, but if you can get her to open up about her past, it may give you some clues. I think she likes you but is afraid that once it becomes "a relationship" it will turn out all bad like her others. Well, I've done that and lost some good friends too. Ignore what a woman says at your own risk OP. What I learned is that the ones whose words and actions match and where both indicate desire and interest are the ones which are healthy for me. Even amongst those, compatibility rears its ugly head. I've got the deflated bank account and divorce papers to prove it. Sweep her off her feet lol, completely agree! I'm not even going into whether or not she's psycho. In fact, based on what OP has told us, she's probably trouble. I've DQ'd a few girls because they seemed to react better to games than sincere interest. He likes her and he wants her, I'm just trying to give him the tools to get closer to her. Edited November 25, 2009 by Phateless Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 I think the tools are spot-on, and, generally, women are more attracted to simple-thinking, focused men than complex guys like myself, which was the impetus for my qualifier in post #57. OP, though slightly off-topic, have you had many/any sincerely honest platonic female friends? I mean, women you love but just not in 'that' way, and vice-versa? If you haven't, I can understand some of the hesitance. Gather up your tools, make a decision, and see it through. Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted November 26, 2009 Share Posted November 26, 2009 It's possible she's just afraid to get burned again. Her actions say that she's interested, but her words indicate that she's holding back for some reason. Don't ask her what reason is directly, but if you can get her to open up about her past, it may give you some clues. I think she likes you but is afraid that once it becomes "a relationship" it will turn out all bad like her others. lol, completely agree! I'm not even going into whether or not she's psycho. In fact, based on what OP has told us, she's probably trouble. I've DQ'd a few girls because they seemed to react better to games than sincere interest. He likes her and he wants her, I'm just trying to give him the tools to get closer to her. No girl is that afraid of getting hurt that she would avoid a relationship with someone she was really into...girls forget that stuff when they are crushing. You can't accept it, but she is just not into you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 26, 2009 Share Posted November 26, 2009 No girl is that afraid of getting hurt that she would avoid a relationship with someone she was really into Based on my life experience, I would agree with this. The key is 'really into'. If he's going to the stars, she wants on that rocket ship. Doesn't matter if there's no oxygen, water or food I think this is what Phateless and others are trying to do for the OP; help him build that rocket ship. Change her mood. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted November 26, 2009 Share Posted November 26, 2009 Based on my life experience, I would agree with this. The key is 'really into'. If he's going to the stars, she wants on that rocket ship. Doesn't matter if there's no oxygen, water or food I think this is what Phateless and others are trying to do for the OP; help him build that rocket ship. Change her mood. Yep. And carhill, I appreciate your endorsement that my advice is on the right track. You have huge credibility here and I appreciate riding on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author agentsmith Posted November 26, 2009 Author Share Posted November 26, 2009 (edited) She's very sensitive, not troubled as such. I do think the past relationship problems stop her from getting into a relationship again. OP, though slightly off-topic, have you had many/any sincerely honest platonic female friends? yes Edited November 26, 2009 by agentsmith Link to post Share on other sites
james123 Posted November 26, 2009 Share Posted November 26, 2009 No girl is that afraid of getting hurt that she would avoid a relationship with someone she was really into...girls forget that stuff when they are crushing. You can't accept it, but she is just not into you. to be fair, none of us can know what she's thinking, but judging by her actions, I think the OP shouldn't give up. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted November 26, 2009 Share Posted November 26, 2009 She's very sensitive, not troubled as such. I do think the past relationship problems stop her from getting into a relationship again. yes I didn't say troubleD, I said trouble. As in, she will be trouble for you. You just have to trust your instincts on this one and LEAD her to where you want you guys to end up. Don't talk to her. Just push forward as if she were any girl you've been flirting with. Link to post Share on other sites
Author agentsmith Posted November 26, 2009 Author Share Posted November 26, 2009 I didn't say troubleD, I said trouble. As in, she will be trouble for you. . Oh ok. Why would she be trouble? Based on her past experiences? Link to post Share on other sites
Author agentsmith Posted November 26, 2009 Author Share Posted November 26, 2009 also, I didn't contact her the whole day today, although she texted a couple of times. Link to post Share on other sites
aaron12 Posted November 26, 2009 Share Posted November 26, 2009 well, I do know that she had some issues in her past couple of relationships, but I don't know if that could have anything to do with what's going on now, could it? btw, the flirting, cuddling mostly happened before I told her how I felt. she doesn't do all this with her other male friends. I do think we would be compatible as a couple. then she's certainly got some feelings for you. perhaps something is holding her back. Link to post Share on other sites
james123 Posted November 26, 2009 Share Posted November 26, 2009 why don't you talk to her about this? As in, why don't you just ask her if her past relationships are stopping her from getting involved with you. Tough task, but well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author agentsmith Posted November 26, 2009 Author Share Posted November 26, 2009 why don't you talk to her about this? As in, why don't you just ask her if her past relationships are stopping her from getting involved with you. Tough task, but well. can't imagine doing that as of now. Link to post Share on other sites
VeveCakes Posted November 26, 2009 Share Posted November 26, 2009 to be fair, none of us can know what she's thinking, but judging by her actions, I think the OP shouldn't give up. Welp, I'm going to claim women's intuition and say she's leading him on for company and attention. All this talk in trying to get her to change her thought...wouldn't you rather be with someone who wants you as bad as you want them? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
james123 Posted November 26, 2009 Share Posted November 26, 2009 Welp, I'm going to claim women's intuition and say she's leading him on for company and attention. All this talk in trying to get her to change her thought...wouldn't you rather be with someone who wants you as bad as you want them? don't know about that, but if she's just holding back as against leading him on(could be either), it's worth trying for. Link to post Share on other sites
sugar_and_spice Posted November 26, 2009 Share Posted November 26, 2009 she could be messing around and leading you on, but it is possible that she scared of committing again from what you have written about her past. give it a try again, no harm. Link to post Share on other sites
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